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AIBU and WWYD - can I borrow the MN balls of steel, please?

(21 Posts)
gingerkittens Tue 05-Jul-11 07:50:45

Namechanged in case my sister MNs. Don't think she does, but just in case. Am not a troll, but beyond reeling off the bat/cvq/penguins/reversing pandas/shitty pouffe list I'm not sure how else I can prove itgrin

First off, I don't think I'm being unreasonable, perhaps I am, I will listen to all opinions given.

This may be long as I don't want to be accused of AIBU by stealth, but basically I'm going to see Take That this week. A friend was meant to be coming with me, but after I'd booked the tickets her work circumstances changed and as she didn't know how things were going to look come July and it was a big expense for her, she backed out.

So, as I know my sister's a huge TT fan and she tried to get tickets for their last tour and couldn't, I asked her if she'd like to come with me. My words were 'I managed to get 2 tickets, XX can't come, would you like first refusal?' She immediately agreed.

It only struck me a month or so ago when we were talking about it again that no mention of money was made, on either side. But you wouldn't expect to get a ticket for free, would you? Really?

My sister, however, has a track record of taking things as her due and never offering a financial contribution. When she was a student, she was rubbish with money and racked up huge debts on cards buying designer clothes. Dad bailed her out several times, she has never given a sniff of paying back or even offering a contribution.

As her older sister, who earnt good money at the time, I would go to see her and take her out, buy her coffee/lunch etc. as my treat and I feel she is still in this mindset even now we're both in our late 30's - although she has a much better job and career than me now, she will still sit back and let me pay for everything if I let her. However on the rare occasion I owe her something, it is mentioned immediately and payment expected - we went to an exhibition recently where she bought the tickets. I asked what I owed, her DP told me, she glared at him and said 'it's more than that! There was a booking fee!'

Our brother has confronted her on this before now and it resulted in a huge argument, loads of tears on her side, "but we're family, is money/material things (she's not so hot on buying birthday presents either but will ring you up and tell you what she wants) all you care about" and all that sort of thing...

So she sent a text asking me to email her to sort out the details for this week and I did so. I decided I wasn't going to do what I normally do, which is wait for her to offer money (and then be disappointed), and I put a line in the email to the effect "I paid £xxx for the tickets because i got them through an agency - obv. I'm not expecting you to pay that price, but the face value is £xx." Reasonable?

I had no reply, and then late last night she left a message on my phone sounding really... well, flat. Lots of pauses, really depressed voice... I'm probably reading far too much into this, but I have a horrible feeling she isn't going to pay.

They were expensive tickets, and although I paid for them a while ago so the money's gone, I still would like something towards them. I suppose I'm p-d off that she hasn't even offered!

So AIBU to expect her to pay for her ticket? And WWYD if she starts with the guilt trip/you're so mercenary angle?

Of course I could well be overthinking this and when I speak to her today she will give me the money, but I'd like a few useful lines to use in preparation!

pudding25 Tue 05-Jul-11 07:55:13

YDNBU. Tell her that money is tight this month and you need it please otherwise you have someone else who is willing to pay for the ticket. She sounds like a spoilt nightmare.

shakey1500 Tue 05-Jul-11 07:59:31

I don't think (given the history) YABU to ask for some contribution. You've already put the ball in her court so it's up to her now. Although it's this week could you not say "Soooo after my email. IS £xx reasonable for you? Because if not my friend y has said she'll snap my hand off, not a problem" etc.

OR you let her get away with it but make it clear you'll not be doing it again. I suppose in her "defence" you could have mentioned a price when you first offered but still, it's not something I would expect for nothing.

feckwit Tue 05-Jul-11 07:59:56

Agree with pudding, I would say that if she cannot afford it, you will sell it on. But probably worth making sure in future that the financial side of things are made clear from the start. So if a similar situation arises, ask if she would "like to buy the ticket from you".

faverolles Tue 05-Jul-11 08:00:30

YANBU, but I would probably let it go this time, but make sure another time you are upfront about money straight away.

SayItLoud Tue 05-Jul-11 08:02:35

Don't fudge around the issue feeling annoyed but not saying why, just tell her. You're not being at all unreasonable.

bruxeur Tue 05-Jul-11 08:04:07

Irrespective of the backstory, I would assume from what you said initially that you were inviting her out to the gig, thus your treat.

bruxeur Tue 05-Jul-11 08:04:42

And given the backstory, why on earth would you not make it clear from the start?

IDontDoIroning Tue 05-Jul-11 08:13:45

Well what would have happened if your friend was the one who had paid ? Would she expect her to subsidise her?
I assume she knows that friend hadn't paid you.
What's the chances of friend changing her mind and coming if you ate going to be out of pocket it might as well be with someone who is grateful.
Its not like its some obscure band nobody's heard of, you could have sold them on 10 times over and probably for over face value,
I think she is being very unreasonable expecting you to pay, give her one more chance perhaps say something like Suzie from accounts offered me £x ( more than youve asked from her) for that ticket so do you want it or not. That puts the ball in her court.

GwendolineMaryLacey Tue 05-Jul-11 08:19:58

The other thing is that, inconvenient as it may have been, your friend does bear some responsibility for these tickets. We have booked a holiday with my brother in the new year. It now transpires that I'm pg and my due date is slap bang in the middle of that week. I will still pay our half, wouldn't dream of leaving him with the full bill even though it's now an expense we can do without.

And I would put the ticket on ebay personally, if there is no one else that you want to go with.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Tue 05-Jul-11 08:23:32

Sorry bruxeur I can't agree with you.

If you're offered first refusal on a saleable item and you state that you want it, there's an expectation that you will pay for it and the onus is on you to do so otherwise you don't get the item.

Ginger, YANB at all U in expecting your sister to pay for her ticket. The deal is that if she doesn't pay before you meet up, you'll have no choice but to sell the ticket to one of your 3 or 4 mates who are desperate to see their faves.

Stand firm and accept no excuses made in a plaintive voice from your sis.

Even if it's v short notice, I'm fairly sure you'll find a fellow fan on this site who'll be happy to buy the ticket from you - and you may have a better time if you go with a fellow m/netter.

TT are not my scene, but out of curiousity when is the gig and how much is the ticket?

melikalikimaka Tue 05-Jul-11 08:24:33

YANBU, but can't you get another friend who is going to pay, someone grateful, who would really like to go.

Sorry, I would not subsidise her yet again. She just sponges off everyone by the sound of it.

Ingles2 Tue 05-Jul-11 08:30:19

Of course yanbu... And I can just imagine your ds' tone of voice as well, cheeky mare. I agree with everyone else, she pays or she doesn't go. Now if it's wembley I'd love to go! grin

stealthsquiggle Tue 05-Jul-11 08:39:07

a friend made a similar offer to me last week - sadly, I couldn't go - but it was similarly worded and it would not have occurred to me for an instant that she didn't want money for the ticket.

YANBU. As others have said - imply (or just say) that someone else has offered you more, and see what she says. If she backs out, you are no worse off and hopefully you can sell it on and you will be better off.

RoseC Tue 05-Jul-11 09:45:11

YADNBU I am the older sister but our roles are reversed - she has the well-paid job and buys me treats that I can't afford (with as much protest as I can get away with, it should be her money!). OTOH there is a total difference, unless you are all millionaires, between buying someone a coffee or the occasional lunch and buying them a concert ticket.

Your alternative, if she won't cough up, is to wait until Christmas/her birthday and just frame the ticket as a reminder of her 'early present'.

effingwotnots Tue 05-Jul-11 09:48:00

YANBU!! She has been happy to sponge off you for years and now acts all wounded because you suggest she pays her way. She's been spoilt rotten and sounds very immature.

Tell her to pay up or ship out!

clairefromsteps Tue 05-Jul-11 09:52:59

She sounds a bit like my brother! Lovely chap, but terrible about actually stumping up for money he owes you....

TBH, if you know your sister is like that, you probably should have made it clear from the start that you wanted X amount of money for the ticket. I can see why you didn't though - I mean how many of us would expect to get a TT ticket for free??? YANBU to want her to pay and you should just say something like 'Could I have the £x for the ticket by the end of the week. If you've changed your mind don't worry because clairefromsteps is more than happy to take your place!'

ChunkyMonkeyMother Tue 05-Jul-11 09:56:37

Agree with RoseC - Perhaps buy her a t-shirt from the concert and just wrap it for Birthday/Christmas along with the ticket in a frame - Or if you have a photo from the event put that in a frame with the ticket - Thats what I have done in the past when I have had problems with money etc.

Although I would probably try my hardest to get the money back first - Don't let her guilt you out of it! Agreed with the "Friend X has begged me for them" but that may backfire if she says "Well let her have them" but maybe try a quick "Oh my goodness, my card has gone missing/been cancelled, I'll have to rely on that money you're giving me for the ticket until I can get to the bank so I can actually go to the concert"

Good luck!

RoxyRobin Tue 05-Jul-11 10:42:05

Is she the youngest in the family? In my experience they usually remain the 'baby' to be indulged by parents and (increasingly resentfully) siblings even into middle age!

Instead of requesting the money again and tensely waiting for her response you could take the initiative by saying that you've decided to give it to her as an 'in advance' present for Christmas/birthday (whichever soonest). That way you don't have to go through the faff of framing the ticket when the occasion comes round, which might look too much as though you were seeking to make a point (though of course you are - and rightly so!). If you want you could give her a little token present on the day - but keep it small.

If you just suck it up and let her get away with yet another free ride you won't be able to enjoy the concert yourself for seething.

MollysChamber Tue 05-Jul-11 10:46:36

YANBU. I would be asking someone else if they want the ticket.

Tchootnika Tue 05-Jul-11 10:58:46

YAN(exactly)BU, but...
In a way you've answered your own question:
Some people are so used to getting freebies that they simply become freeloaders - which can be really irritating, unappealing and sometimes ends up making any sort of fun social life with them quite unsustainable.
Since you're well aware that your sister does this, you just have to insulate yourself from it each time the opportunity for it to happen arises:
i.e. rather than "I've got a spare ticket... [+silent exptectation that she'll do the decent thing and cough up]..."
Why not go for: "I've got a spare ticket, yours for £x..."
Less charming, but more practical, no?

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