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Or Should DH stop smoking and cut down drinking

(18 Posts)
EdwardorEricCantDecide Mon 04-Jul-11 22:42:08

dh was a smoker when I met him but stopped within a couple of months, he successfully went for c. 5yrs not smoking but has now started again.

It started off as 1or2 when he was drinking then 1 per day now he goes through about 5 per day.

Also he is self employed and business has started to decline so he usually has an extra day off midweek now or will start late a couple of days pw on the night before a day off he sees it as his night to enjoy himself and will have a few vodkas plus few more cigs than normal.
He is now going through at least a bottle of vodka per week.

We have our own finances so after my half of the bills are paid I have very little left over as I work less hours to look after DS and I make less per hour anyway. I kind of resent the fact that he's spending so much cash on fags and booze and I'm too skint for a night out with a friend once in a while.

I'm pg with dc2 ATM and the smell of the smoke makes me want to heave so as a result DH and have barely kissed or hugged since I became pg I see this to mean he'd rather smoke than be with me. I'm now also starting to feel very lonely and that I'd be better off without him if he values my opinion so little

I'm also not happy about the example it sets to DS, and the time away from me and DS while he's outside smoking.

AIBU or is DH everytime I offer to help him or try to get him to stop he just says "I should be able to enjoy myself"
If it's relevant he has been dx with depression and is on meds for this for past 6 mths

Goofymum Mon 04-Jul-11 22:58:11

Sounds exactly like my DH! Gave up smoking for 4 years when DD1 was born and then started again, now up to 20/day again. Luckily he's cut down on drinking now but it did get heavy at one time. And yes, he also was dx with depression and has been on meds for 6m or so, I don't think that is irrelevent. Smoking is such a selfish habit I think. I resent the sheer waste of money, the lack of concern over his health, or ours, the smell, the way it rules our/his life eg when we're out together we have to stop whilst he smokes, he ducks out of social gatherings for a fag etc. But at the same time I know his depression plays a part. His business is also slow, he gets stuck in a rut at home, within himself etc. I alternate between feeling very empathetic and understanding to thinking he is very selfish and feeling very angry and resentful. Living with someone with depression makes you very lonely too. All I can offer is understanding of your situation. It sounds alot deeper than him just 'enjoying himself'.

FabbyChic Mon 04-Jul-11 23:03:00

I would normally say him smoking being something he has always done shouldn't be a problem, however as he previously gave up he should be able to do it again but he has to want to.

I don't agree with the vodka drinking specifically not when depressed, as those who are depressed become more so with alcohol.

Have you tried talking to him at all?

EdwardorEricCantDecide Mon 04-Jul-11 23:05:06

I suspect it does go a lot deeper but just don't know how to help or get around it. He says a bottle to 2 bottles pw of vodka isn't that much I think it is, but Ive always seen alcohol as a total waste of money,

I really dont know what to do and sometimes do feel that life would be easier on my own with dc sad

EdwardorEricCantDecide Mon 04-Jul-11 23:11:57

Yes with the smoking I've explained all the reasons on this post health influence on dc etc he also knows it has aggravated me a lot more since being pg, but he doesn't seem to mind that I either have to sit on my own in the bedroom or at the dining table at night because he is on he couch and smells like an ashtray.

The only real issue I've brought up re drinking is money. He did get properly wasted last weekend where he was in next door drinking (I had gone to bed) when I woke in the morning he had piled on the rug, in the toilet and on the cushions he couldn't remember any of it including getting home.

I have considered going to the GP without him to discuss my concerns but not sure if that would help.

DD is due in oct and I'm dreading having to deal with a toddler and newborn while he's out killing himself with smoke!

MrsDePoint Mon 04-Jul-11 23:16:56

Hang on, why are you paying half the bills if he earns more than you? This came up on another thread tonight and I really don't get this. In your shoes, I would feel very resentful. TBH, the drinking doesn't sound that bad - could you be feeling resentful about your relationship / his contribution in general?

Goofymum Mon 04-Jul-11 23:21:41

Have you seen the meds make a difference at all? They should be by now, or if not he should go back to the GP to have the dosage upped or drug changed.

If its anything like my situation it sounds as though he feels little self worth at the moment. Have you tried talking to him, telling him you you love him, are concerned for his health and for your relationship and sharing how its making you feel (without being accusatory tho!) I had to bite my tongue and do alot of selfless listening and me and DH had to reach rock bottom before he recognised he actually had a problem and got help. I've stayed with him, even though it's still tough at times, because I believe we still do have a good relationship but it so difficult to see that when you're lonely, angry, hurt.

FabbyChic Mon 04-Jul-11 23:22:50

The place he is in right now with his depression I feel that giving up smoking will make it worse. The concerning thing is the Vodka, alcohol is a natural depressant, two bottles a week is far too much. Even more so if he drinks it home alone, that's really quite sad.

EdwardorEricCantDecide Mon 04-Jul-11 23:24:46

Prob a bit of both I don't mind paying my way I eat the food live in the house etc it's really just the fact that it leaves me with less money for me.
in anycase if I went out once or twice in a week I'd never see DH
He works to 8.30pm most nights he goes to a poker tournament once a week plus an all day regional every 3 months. During football season he's at that at leas once a week his friends usually throw a boys night once a month. Plus any random nights he may visit a friend or have a special occasion etc to go to.

So I am very envious of his social life, I don't have many friends and due to work dc etc I don't see the ones I have v often.

EdwardorEricCantDecide Mon 04-Jul-11 23:31:17

The meds initially made a difference he seems to go through little periods maybe a week or two where he'll nit do a thing around the house, puts DS in front of tv etc and generally either ignores me or we fight a lot.

Then he'll have a week or 2 of opposite model dad caring husband helpful round the house etc.

I sometimes think what has he to be depressed about, my life is a lot harder than his. But I know thats not a helpful attitude.

I really struggle to empathise/sympathise with him so I do tend to either nag or ignore again I know this isn't good and something I need to change.

Goofymum Mon 04-Jul-11 23:33:53

Sounds as though there's quite a bit of resentment creeping in. He's not taking parenthood seriously enough getting pissed out of his brain at the neighbours, going out alot and you not (you could but prefer to stay in and see DH instead, he doesn't have those thoughts), drinking too much, taking up smoking again. I don't think it's about the money, it's about him being selfish and not considering anyone but himself. That sounds harsh and I don't mean to be but this is my experience of living with someone with depression. They are extremely self-absorbed and it's very difficult to live with. I think he needs to go back to the GP, possibly with you, after you've had a good long chat about everything with him. He needs his therapy reviewed and needs to keep communicating with you to ensure you keep working as a team and not as 2 separate resentful people.

MrsDePoint Mon 04-Jul-11 23:38:02

EECD you're a family, not flatmates, so it's not about paying your way. It doesn't matter if you don't want to go out. If he's going out so much, is he contributing in the home? It sounds like he is living like a married bachelor, I'm not surprised you're pissed off. Plus, you're making less because you're looking after DS - is that taken into account?

If it's this plus the drinking, you need to include this stuff in the conversation. Your situation sounds very unfair to me but if that's the way things have been up to now, he's not likely to volunteer to change things unless you make it clear how you'd like things to be.

EdwardorEricCantDecide Mon 04-Jul-11 23:38:39

Thanks goofymum I'll suggest this to him, u do sound like u know exactly how it feels
There is definite resentment and has been brewingsince not long after 2yo DS was born it took him/us well over a yr to realise the prob may be depression.

I fear that we have been living separate lives for too long now and I'm finding it harder and harder to picture myself happy with him again.

Goofymum Mon 04-Jul-11 23:44:01

Oh, you sounds so like me, EdwardorEric

At least you know what he can be like when he's on an up - that's what keeps me going! Depression is an illness, and has nothing to do with how hard your life is etc, although I know you know this. May still be worth doing a bit of reading up about it though.

It is so much worse living with someone who is depressed and is ignoring you than living on your own. That is the thing I hate the most. I walked out on my DH and took DCs with me once, for a few days, luckily I had DPs to stay with. I broke down to them and told them everything. They had no idea what I was putting up with at home. It did change things. I told DH that I was never ever going to put up with him ignoring me for days/weeks (or speaking in monosyllables) and that he had to get help. We went to the GP together. I also told myself that I wasn't ever going to feel responsible for DH's happiness again, and I wouldn't tread on eggshells making things 'less bad' for him. That was a revelation for me.

I hope you'll find some quiet protected time when you can listen and talk.

EdwardorEricCantDecide Mon 04-Jul-11 23:46:58

The trouble with the finance is that DH is self employed so sometimes he can make double what I do or more (since the recession this is becoming much less often though) or sometimes he can make the same as me.

The household blls are pd through a joint account which we each pay half into the tax credits were topping up my salary (these have now stopped though) and child benefit goes into DS account for any big/expensive things he might need.

As DH gets paid in dribs and drabs and not straight into the bank either and income isn't gteed I find it hard to come up with any other way to manage our money. I worry that I would get even less if everything was to go together as not all of DHs money ever makes it to the bank and because I'm happy to stay home and because I dont drink/smoke/go to football etc.

MrsDePoint Tue 05-Jul-11 00:00:41

I know lots of people have different views but I've never really understood why couples don't just pool all their money and share it. My DH is more extravagant than me but not enough to unbalance things significantly. Sometimes I've earned more than him although he's earned more than me overall (so far).

In your situation, how about if every month, you look at what you've each made and pay the bills in that proportion, but your contribution will never be more than half. Or, he should make a fixed additional contribution to represent your reduced earnings due to childcare.

It sounds though like the time taken up by his social life is as big an issue as the money. I had a similar but different situation which lasted for years (DH spending ALL his non-working time on a hobby, got worse after MIL (lovely woman) died in an accident). You can't cure his depression but you can tell him what he needs to do in his family to make sure it stays together.

Nanny0gg Tue 05-Jul-11 00:05:29

But he still manages to find the same amount of money for his social life and habits?

There's something wrong with this picture...

EdwardorEricCantDecide Tue 05-Jul-11 00:08:21

Sorry just read thread back I meant puked on th rug earlier

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