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To completely cut heroin addict ex step mother out of my life? (long)

(9 Posts)
bubaluchy Mon 04-Jul-11 21:32:54

From the age of 4- 14 my Dad (who my sister and I lived with full time) had a partner who eventually moved in and became our 'step mother', bringing with her my step brother, same age as me .

She had a very extroverted character and totally wore her heart on her sleeve she was very attractive and fun, she used to take me up to Camden market from a young age and introduced me to the fun side of life.

She kept our home beautiful, cooked gorgeous meals and encouraged us with school work.

But there was another side, she became quite jealous of me when I hit puberty saying really weird things about how she envied my innocence and was jealous of my new breasts, she said once when i came down stairs in a long floaty dresse that i would get raped (I was 10 and deeply disturbed by this comment)

She herself was sexually abused by her father (it later transpired) and when she got to 40 she snapped, having held all the emotion in for so long, my dad was in hospital for 3 months with heart problems and during this time she began an affair with a 22 year old heroin addict.

She, 12 years later is still a heroin addict, living in some squat with her drug partner, she is so addled by drugs and guilt and self pity that it's pointless talking to her, I wouldnt want to meet with her because I don't trust any junkie or the company they keep.

I am training to be a teacher, my dad is very happy my sister is very well rounded and happy too.

We have moved on and dealt with it all but she is so stuck in the past.

I now think of her on her birthday and at christmas and she still regards herself as our step mum but I no longer view her in this way.

I speak to her maybe once a year if that.

Her son was a friend of mine as we were the same age and we were in all the same classes at high school but he was such a perverted quite sick minded teenager,now I look back on what he used to say and do (used to watch me get undressed through the crack in my bedroom door and tell me he had dreams about bending me and my friends over tables naked and used to ask me about my ass hole, so any innocence I managed to keep hold of I have nurtured and I now steer clear of him generally, which I also feel guilty about becaise now his mum is the way she is he has NO ONE in the world to call his family so me, 'his step sister' is all he has and we do get on well (same taste in music, comedy, we have some great reminiscent sessions laughing and revelling in our unusual child hood) adding to the confusion as everything is TAINTED by me now looking at it all from an adult perspective. sad

I have travelled the world and moved so far from it all emotionally, but there is always this feeling that from the dry land i now stand on, I should try and help her or bring some light into her life, she gave me so much kindness when I was growing up and fought through her painfull inner life to provide me and my sister with a loving home to the best of her ability and I feel bad for abandoning her.

Any comments/suggestions welcome thanks for reading

Lisaklf Mon 04-Jul-11 22:01:09

YANBU - you seem to be feeling guilty that things have turned out well for you and you need to remember that you are in no way responsible for the awful things that happened to her or the choices she has made and you deserve all of the good things you have now

I think you should protect yourself against potential unhappiness and being
dragged back into her problems (which sound a lot deeper than her heroin addiction tbh).

AIBU to suggest that maybe you are giving her more credit than she deserves considering what your OP said about the inappropriate comments she made and your step-brothers scary behaviour?

bubaluchy Mon 04-Jul-11 22:15:24

Possibly, thank you lisaklf I think I just need to give myself permission to wipe her out of my life without feeling guilty.

If I suddenly became very vulnerable I would like to hope that at least someone would have my back always but maybe it's just not my job to be that person for her.
Thank you for reading (I know it's long) and acknowledging my step brothers scary behaviour, Ive only just started to work through that and it's hard.

Lisaklf Mon 04-Jul-11 22:31:10

You can't have someone's back who won't acknowledge any of their own responsibilities in regards to where they are or when it jeapordises your own progress and happiness (no matter who they are)

Be nice to yourself and take care smile

bubaluchy Mon 29-Aug-11 12:50:36

Thank you everyone smile

bubblesincoffee Mon 29-Aug-11 13:04:13

Thing is, there's not much you can do for her anyway. She is an addict and until she decides to help herself, any effort you made would be futile.

You say you feel guilty abandoning her, but you don't have to completely abandon her, even without having any contact with her. You can leave the door slightly open for if she decides she wants to sort her life out, and if she does and then approaches you, you are then free to open the door fully or shut it completely, depending on where you life is at if/when it happens.

SweetApril Mon 29-Aug-11 14:04:34

Just wondering if your dad and sister have similar feelings of guilt about your stepmother and stepbrother?

Andrewofgg Mon 29-Aug-11 16:25:47

Richard Neville of OZ fame (showing my age here) campaigned to legalise cannabis but when asked about heroin answered:

Being a junkie is a full-time job with very little similarity to being alive

and he was spot on. Stay away.

bubaluchy Tue 30-Aug-11 17:20:28

Thanks bubblesincoffee I do feel that if she stepped back into my life having sorted it out I would be happy to help her in practical ways, but I was wondering if it is more crucial to be there when someone's in the gutter but as you said there isn't much I can do for her anyway- whilst she's an addict, it just frustrates my rescuer tendancies.
sweetApril Dad has moved on and is synical about junkies in general, he is hard to it and also has a very stable and happy life himself, my sister is the most messed up by it, for ages she had regular phone contact with her, she has inherited her self destructive tendancies and is drawn to dramas of all kinds plus is very hard hearted about her.
Andrewofgg thanks for the quote, it's true very true.

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