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Half-hearted friendship, or me being a bunny-boiler?

(13 Posts)
Midge25 Mon 04-Jul-11 20:30:00

Okay, so. Moved to new area of the UK about 3 years ago, due to DH's job. Was very much a joint decision, and although neither of us wanted to move, it was a massive investment for DH in terms of his career, and, as luck would have it, it's turned out good for mine too. DD was about 4m when we moved, and I went back to work when she was 6m (which I would have done even if we'd stayed put). Neither of us knew anyone when we moved here and I have thrown myself into forging new friendships - am quite a sociable person and was quite ill with PND when we moved - needed that outlet and was overcome w/ feelings of loneliness. I do keep in touch with pals from our old area and am lucky to have lots of visits and meet - ups. But wanted some local links. Have met some lovely people with whom I get on v well, incl 2 women close to my age at my previous office location (am still in same job), with whom I socialised regularly. I did feel as if I was the main 'driver' for this when I was there - it was often me who suggested meeting up for a drink or whatever - but then one of them invited me to her hen do and wedding....
Anyway, since changing locations I rarely hear from them and we have managed to meet up only once in last 12 months. I have been in touch w. them both sporadically over last 5 months to arrange a date - they always sound v enthusiastic but things stall - a few alternative dates are suggested (to accommodate everyone's work/childcare commitments), one or t'other will say she plans to check with DP and then all the possible dates tick past with no replies from them. What's annoyed me tonight is that I've had a text from one, asking how I am and remarking that 'we must meet up'. FFS. I've managed to count to 10 before replying with an observation along the lines of 'yes-we must, except last time I checked you were speaking to your DP about dates in May...'
Am thinking maybe am being overly needy and paranoid - have got this tendency grin - and genuinely do accept that they have other things going on in their lives. I also wonder if am placing too much emphasis on this given my situation.
AIBU to be pissed off?

SinicalSal Mon 04-Jul-11 20:37:45

YABU a bit.
They are probably a bit busier than you, with work and family and also their social networks are probably a bit more established and time consuming than yours. With the best will in the world, you may be making them feel a bit pressured, which will make them want to turn down invitations whereas before it was just circumstance.

I think you should concentrate on people in your new location. And I think it's easier to make friends when you share an activity. In can be a little awkward looking at a near stranger across the table when conversation stalls. Weekend baby groups< evening hobby, sports and social club at work?

kbaby Mon 04-Jul-11 20:42:03

uanbu. I have a friendship like this too. A friend ive known for years but for the last 2 years it has felt as if Im the one doing all the calling etc. When we do eventually meet up everything Is normal with lots of 'oh we must do this again and not leave it so long' etc when the only reason its left that long is because she cancels dates or never replies to my texts. Last year I got fed up with it and asked her if there was a problem or had I peed her off perhaps. She was oblivious to anything and said she hadn't realised . We spoke frequently for about 1 month before it stopped again. I know she goes out with other friends. She forgot dds birthday in may and the last time I spoke with her was may. Unfortunately I don't have any advice, you can either take the view that some people are crap at keeping in touch and are happy for you to make the effort or you can do what I've done and think sod it, I'm not bothering anymore and find friends elsewhere.

Midge25 Mon 04-Jul-11 20:45:05

Thanks Sinical. I agree that they will have more established networks than me, and honestly feel as if I've tried to bear this in mind - don't think bombarding them; I might get in touch once every 2 months with a sorta 'do you fancy meeting for a drink' type text/email...but haven't tried to do so since May...
But am prepared to be wrong on this and I do think my situation is colouring my judgement...

Midge25 Mon 04-Jul-11 20:47:59

Kbaby - I think problem is that it's not my style generally - if I say I'm going to do something, I am...I wouldn't make commitments (such as, yes we must meet up) if I didn't have any intention of keeping them. So like you say, I think I may have to either suck up this way of keeping in touch, or move on...
In a really petulant way, haven't replied to the text....

DirtyMartini Mon 04-Jul-11 20:58:57

"Yes, we must meet up" isn't a commitment, though. It's just something lots of people say, well-intentioned but not a promise. You have no cause to hold them to it and it shows a lack of understanding of where you may fall in other people's priority lists, I think.

I can only speak personally, but it's really damn rare for me to even manage meeting my very closest, oldest friends, and even then it is usually only possible for lunch/coffee. If someone less important to me showed signs of being arsey or putting pressure on about me not having enough social time for them, I'd probably let the friendship die off. I have been stuck before in situations where I've made time for people I know casually at the expense of real friendships, because the casual ones were more pester-y and I didn't want to be rude. It isn't worth it, and only made me resentful and less keen on the person in question.

I would feel pestered by a text every two months from someone not super-close to me; I would find it irritating, like some sort of rebuke for not managing to find time for them after their last text. Two months is nothing to a person with a lot going on. So I think YABU to take offense.

Midge25 Mon 04-Jul-11 21:18:49

Yes, agreed dirtymartini - that wasn't phrased v well. It has gone as far as getting to the day before an arranged meet-up, and then has been cancelled. Of course people say they intend to keep in touch, regardless, and I do realise this. I feel I've been v careful to keep any arsey/pestery type vibes away from my contact with them (hence my canvassing for views here, rather than in RL) and guess it is a matter of priorities; I don't expect to be their top priority, or anywhere near it, but think there is merit in a bit of honesty on their part - this is the root of my frustration, I think. Of course, they may beg to differ, and feel that the contact we have had has been too much.

bubaluchy Mon 04-Jul-11 21:48:29

I think i'm a "we must meet up person"
I think it's to do with peoples core values and sometimes friendships and meet ups just aren't as important to some people as they are others.

I have enjoyed many friendships over the years and I enjoy them whilst they're there but when circumstances change and it becomes an effort I just let them go, sometimes with a tinge of sadness but always keeping them in my heart.

If you're feeling annoyed with them they will probably pick up on it.

I agree with sinicalsal just enjoy the conditions that are arising for you in the present, if people really want to meet up they will

Midge25 Mon 04-Jul-11 21:55:35

Buba - yes, I think maybe we just have priorities in different areas. I place quite a high value on friendships (did before I moved too) and think I can tend to take it personally when others are focusing on different things-generally people I spend time with are on the same wavelength but mebbe not in this case. You win some, you lose some.
Thanks for your input guys

MadYoungCatLady Mon 04-Jul-11 21:58:42

I've moved about a few times (exH in army) and met wonderful new friends each new place. I wish they were all still my friends, as I do for some from childhood, but I think once you move friendships do start drifting apart, unfortunate just sometimes just the way things are sad

bubaluchy Mon 04-Jul-11 22:23:59

I must admit I slightly envy people like you Midge25 and my sister she nurtures her friendships so well, sends them care packages if theyre going through a rough time, puts them before herself and she has so many lovely friends like a massive extended family, I think it is a really good quality to have and like you said maybe just find people on your wave length in this way.
I am very happy alone and with people but it's just not in me to pour energy into friendships.
If you've got an intention to build up a big network you will, it will just take time. smile

kbaby Mon 04-Jul-11 22:37:03

It is hard though to just let go of a friendship. Midge25, you will just have to decide if you speak to them if they contact you but don't do the chasing IyswIm. Text your friend back saying how things are with you and leave it at that.
I understand people are busy and we all have our own families etc to deal with but most of my text are just enquiring how they all are etc, I would think she would be able to reply to that.
My Last text to her in may she asked how we were and I told her how dc were etc and then asked how they all were and I had no reply.
You don't know if you should back off because maybe they aren't interested or if you shouldn't because they don't mean to be offhand and are just busy.

Midge25 Tue 05-Jul-11 21:03:14

Thanks again all. Weirdly have had another text from one of the people in question + have replied, but made no mention of a meetup for now...

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