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to feel like my partner is playing mind games with me?

(17 Posts)
MoonGirl1981 Mon 04-Jul-11 18:31:50

I work nights., Monday being one of them.

He has Tuesday off, always has done.

On Saturday he tells me that he has to work Tuesday, can I leave work early otherwise they'll be no one home with our son. Well no, I can't. But what I can do is find a colleague who's working Tuesday morning and ask nicely if they can come in half an hour early and cover the last bit of my shift so I can go.

Oraganise myself Saturday to go in a bit early so I can phone colleagues and organise this (knowing that nobody would mind as I've done this for other people in the past). He gives me a lift to work, once there he says 'Oh, no. I'm not working I have a meeting at 10.30am Tuesday so no need to find cover.

Once at work I even ring him to confirm once more that he doesn't need to leave early. He says no. He can be home.

Today (30 minutes ago), calls me and tells me that his meeting is earlier and I need to leave work early. I can't fucking leave work early, it doesn't work like that!

I complained to him that I could've had this sorted out on Saturday and we wouldn't need to worry. His response? 'Well, try to get out 10 minutes earlier'.

I may not be raking in thousands or leaping up the career ladder but my job is important to me. I enjoy it. I don't want to fuck my work colleagues or manager around. If I ask to leave early I'll not only inconvenience people but I'll look disorganised and as though I don't care.

I have sorted it, my neighbours have stepped in to help but I really feel as though he's playing some kind of mind game with me. For example, if we row (rare) on a day I have work the first thing he'll say that he now can't babysit and I'll have to call in sick. It gets on my nerves.

He takes the piss out of my job and me only working two nights a week, despite me doing EVERYTHING around the house and funnily my income still pays half of our rent and bills. I don't ask him for anything in the way of money, I live off what I earn.

I'm stressed and wanted a little ranty-poo.


BertieBotts Mon 04-Jul-11 18:36:03

How bizarre! It really does sound as though he is doing it on purpose confused And the fact he refuses to "babysit" (urm, look after his own child?) if you've had a row is awful!

Is it just over work or over other things as well? It sounds like you have a massive power imbalance in your relationship.

MoonGirl1981 Mon 04-Jul-11 18:44:06

Nah, there's not really a power imbalance (at least I don't think so).

He does seem to really resent me enjoying my job and thinks that while I'm not working I'm just sitting around wacthing telly or something. Not true, working nights is exhausting and you never really catch up on the lost sleep.

I think he just feels as though his job is much more important than mine. Which it is, but my job is still my job.

I have called him up on the 'babysitting' thing and he says it's just habit.

When he gets in I am going to tell him that I feel as though he's playing some kind of game. If it hadn't been for my (very nice) neighbours I'd be really screwed right now.

Spuddybean Mon 04-Jul-11 18:47:26

'babysit' is an odd word to use for looking after his son. he sounds nasty about your work and taking the piss out of it is totally unacceptable.
Sounds like he knows how important your job is to you and he is using the childcare/looking unprofessional issue as a stick to beat you.
Tell him it's unacceptable and every time he belittles your job you are going to smash something of his!

Nobdie Mon 04-Jul-11 18:50:51

I would just ignore him tbh. Something along the lines of 'no sorry, I can't leave early so you will have to sort it out yourself', and leave it at that. If he is trying to wind you up, or get a reaction, don't give it to him. He will soon -grow up-- give up
Childish and Annoying though I'm sure, hope your ok now smile

Nobdie Mon 04-Jul-11 18:51:29

grow up

zipzap Mon 04-Jul-11 20:00:37

If he has to change his hours so that it impacts his regular childcare commitments then he needs to be the one responsible for finding alternative care. If you're not working then he can ask you but not if you're working.

Just simple respect for you and showing consideration for your other half. Sounds like you need to read him the riot act and ask why he doesn't respect you or your job...

MrsDePoint Mon 04-Jul-11 20:06:06

Why are you paying for half if he earns more than you and you are doing all the housework? That sounds very unfair. You could have told him he had to sort out the situation with the neighbours / your son. This sounds like a case of the willing horse carrying the heaviest load. As long as you keep putting up with it, it's not likely to change.

SpringchickenGoldBrass Mon 04-Jul-11 21:12:36

Has he been like this as long as you have had the job, or have you only recently started the job? if the job itself is a recent thing, he doesn't want you to work, or at least he wants to make it very clear to you that your job is less important than his because he has a penis.
If you have been working in this job for some time and he has only recently started messing you about, look for what else has changed, because this sort of petty, spiteful behaviour doesn't come out of nowhere.

skybluepearl Mon 04-Jul-11 22:18:06

i think you just need to say that you can't come out of work early and let him make any child care arrangements.

he sounds very lazy round the house.

Tchootnika Mon 04-Jul-11 23:13:13

I don't blame you for needing to have a rant - you sound more than entitled to one.
Not sure it sounds like 'mind games' as such, though, just extreme unawareness/myopia in relation to anything except himself. Not an unsual attitude at all, unfortunately. sad

TheFarSideOfFuck Tue 05-Jul-11 09:02:46

What an extraordinarily selfish and self-centred person he sounds

I really don't understand why women tolerate being treated as a second class citizen in this way

InTheNightKitchen Tue 05-Jul-11 09:45:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChunkyMonkeyMother Tue 05-Jul-11 09:46:20

My husband used to say that he 'Babysat' our DS - I told our DS to call him by his real name and not Daddy because Daddies don't babysit their own children - He has since stopped saying it!
He also used to mock my 1 day a week job, so I didn't do ANY house work for a week (It nearly killed me) apart from stuff that DS needed and he soon realised that actually although I only go to work 1 day a week, I work fulltime round the house!

I know its petty but it used to seriously wind me up - Why not turn the tables and ask where he would get last minute childcare from if you couldn't 'Babysit'? Sometimes they just need a firm kick shove in the right direction!

ScarletOHaHa Tue 05-Jul-11 09:50:05

why are you sorting out childcare? If his work pattern has changed it is reasonable to expect him to sort out alternative arrangements.

HelloKlitty Tue 05-Jul-11 09:56:13

There IS a power imbalance....he has more than you do and you're letting him get away with it!

Pull the same trick! Tell him "I can't babysit today so you'll have to call in sick...I have an important meeting." and piss off out.

I would.

wicketkeeper Tue 05-Jul-11 10:39:08

Just say no.

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