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To be disallusioned with married life.

(18 Posts)
Offski Sun 03-Jul-11 15:43:34

Dh and I were so in love for years despite coping with hard times , mainly dhs depression however since we got
married and had a baby last year we have had nothing but non stop stress , I had severe pnd then my husband had another bout of depression then my pnd got worse.
On top of that our financial situation is dire and about to get much worse, I al desperatly looking for another job and dh should be too but so far hasn't bothered his arse yet again he is leaving everything down to me .

When he has depression or is in a bad mood due to his insomnia I feel he is having a constant go at me and when I retaliate he tells
me to fuck off or something along the lines of, I fucking am looking for a fucking job then he slams a door or storms out, after he is full
of apologies says he knows he needs to sort himself out but it never happens. I said to him it's like a man slapping a woman and being full
of apologies after, to
me they mean nothing, he gets upset and says he would never hit me (which I know) but the aggressive swearing is just as upsetting.plus my mum was severely beaten I'm front of me by her ex dh for years and we were all terrified of him, angry men still scare
me.

I am only twenty eight I haven't been out for years and I have no clothes makeup or spare cash for anything and it
might seem a small problem but on top of everything else it is making me miserable , I keep thinking life shouldn't be like this and after the childhood I had all I want is a normal happy life , I'm sorely tempted to run away from
it all as nothing I do (sorting payment plans for bills looking for jobs so dh doesn't have to work so he can manage his depression) makes a difference and with the swearing and snapping he is slowly eroding
my love.

I have a photo of us from a couple of years ago so happy and content looking it kills me everytime I look at it because we were the happiest couple in the world.

Offski Sun 03-Jul-11 15:45:07

Sorry this is so long and rambling I am literally at my wits end.

ledkr Sun 03-Jul-11 15:52:29

Do you have cpns?Either of you,you both sound depressed and need some help to get on top of things,have you talked to him and make a plan for the future,maybe he could do childcare while you work for now. Married life has taken its toll on me and dh but we are both determined to get bakc on track,we talk a lot and make time for eachother even if its just eating a meal together with some wine. Last night we went to bed early,read our books and ate chocolate,very rock and roll.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Jul-11 15:55:36

YANBU to be unhappy. Sadly, being 'in love' only goes so far when it comes to papering over the cracks, which it sounds like you've been doing up to this stage. When you have a high-maintenance/needy partner, the introduction of a baby doesn't always go well. You've got two children effectively....

FabbyChic Sun 03-Jul-11 15:58:02

I had depression for about seven years, I managed to work initially, but for three years the depression nigh on killed me.

I isolated myself and refused to go out the door, cutting myself off from everybody and everything.

I changed my medication, I've the right combination now and went from suicidal, to someone who now works 40 hours a week getting up at 6 and getting home at 6.30pm. Before that just the week before I was sleeping 14 hours a day, sitting on Mumsnet all day.

You have to get better gradually take each day at a time, you have to want to get better to, you can't rush it or you will be ten times worse if you get into something your mind is not ready for.

He clearly is not well enough to work, it's hard being with someone who is depressed, but honey, he cant help it. It's the nature of depression.

SpringHeeledJack Sun 03-Jul-11 17:43:26

nothing of any use to add- but don't want your thread to disappear!

<bumps>

Offski Mon 04-Jul-11 11:32:36

fabbychic your post has given me a bit of hope I am glad you are feeling better ,
I do love him so much and I know that when he is not depressed he would not dream of speaking to me disrespectfully but it has gone on so long now it is wearing me down ,
we had a chat last night and have decided I am going to work full time whilst he looks after our ds and works on getting himself better . He told
me the issue was he felt as a man he should be the provider so I pointed out there is no better job than looking after a child and as long as he works at getting better that is all I want , he is a great dad with ds and I know he will be happier at home and tbh I am happier working I get a bit lost at home without the structure of going to work , dh is happier when he is with ds.
I also pointed out that although I am very sympathatic to his illness the constant snapping and swearing really wears
me down .
* fabbychic* can I ask when you were depressed did you snap at your oh or anyone else , the reason I ask is dh said a lot of the time he can hardly remeber what he has said and is devastated when I tell him.
It is hard but we had such a good relationship and love each other so much it is worth doing anything I can to save it for ds sake too.
Thanks everyone for your kind words and thankyou springheel jack for bumping .

Rubyx Mon 04-Jul-11 11:43:39

My neice suffers from depression and she snaps and swears and has major mood swings. It is really hard to deal with. Medication, theraphy, even sending him off to his parents for a long weekend just for a break.
For yourself, make sure you look after yourself. You need to put yourself first as well as the baby. Enjoy the simple things, get dressed up, dance to music with baby at home and go for long walks in the park.

NestaFiesta Mon 04-Jul-11 11:47:53

Offski, firstly, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is really tough for the non depressed person.

Secondly, I am going through something similar. I love my DH but he has recently been diagnosed with Depression (although I think it has been going on for much longer). When he is down he speaks to me with a half snarl and says horrible things.

I cannot help feeling resentful. It's as if I'm not the depressed one so I am not allowed to find things hard. Some days I wonder where the man I married has gone and some days I see glimpses of the man who adored me so much he proposed after six weeks and would just have done anything for me. We were so in love.

I live in hope that those days can come back, albeit a slightly different, jaded version. The love is in there and in my Pollyanna moments I imagine he will look back one day and realise how much I supported him and how hard it was for me and the kids to not go down with him. Right now all he can see is misery. His meds haven't kicked in yet.

I have been clinically depressed myself and I know it can seem hopeless but in answer to another question- no I didn't snap at loved ones when I was down. Then again I wasn't married then so maybe I would have. I just remember smoking and crying and being quiet a lot.

These days I find daily joy in even the smallest of things, not least my two DCs. I love life and hopefully your DH (and mine) will get there one day too.

MetalSian Mon 04-Jul-11 12:03:09

My DP had depression when our DS was under a year old.
Tbh I think it was PND but for him.
He couldn't go near our son, everytime he cried he had to leave the room as he would feel like he wanted to hit him rather than try to calm him down (he never did btw).

He is still on AD's nearly two years later but things are much better.
Sometimes he still slips back into depression, mostly if he forgets to take his tablets for a long time.

When it was at its worst I felt like I was on eggshells all the time. If the baby started to cry I had to take him out of the room. I couldn't say anything at all pretty much to DP as it would set him off, ranting and shouting.
But I think it does get easier.

If you love him then you need to stick in there. It will get better but it will take both of you working together to achieve that.
Is he on anti-depressants?

And the way he shouts and can't remember may have something to do with the insomnia. My DP still suffers from this and if he is tired he can't remember even arguing with me, let alone how much of a git he is.

Can you try saving some money for little things for yourself? Even if it is something silly like keeping a tin and put all £2 coins you get into it? =]
It will add up then you can treat yourself and have something to look forward to (just don't do what I did and give the nearly £100 to DP to pay for a car they crashed into to be repaired ;P).

Sorry this is long, I just wanted to let you know there is hope.
Remember you love him and believe that things will get better.
As some lovely person on here said to me not long ago:
Walking up the hill can be very hard work but once you get to the top there will be an amazing view. (or something along those lines).

dreamingbohemian Mon 04-Jul-11 13:22:09

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all this. Your plan sounds good though, hopefully it will help a lot.

I think most couples go through a really, really rough time after having a kid -- it's almost like a dirty secret that no one wants to talk about, but you are not alone. My DH and I went from being so loved up and gentle with each other to screaming, swearing, slamming doors blush It was so awful. It got much better when we were both able to sleep properly, and we learned some tricks to communicate better so things wouldn't escalate.

I have suffered from depression before and it's really hard to get better without outside help -- counseling or medication -- are either of you getting any help? I know you may want to just deal with it yourselves but like Fabby said, the change can be so good so quickly, why not save yourselves some time?

Good luck with everything. It will get better!

Offski Mon 04-Jul-11 13:24:53

nestafiesta what you are going through sounds exactly the same as what I am going through now , friends used to be jealous of how great our relationship was and for years I felt like the luckiest woman in the world.
Now sometimes I wonder what happend to the amazing man I fell in love with and when he is normal I find it hard to trust because the angry man is back before I know it .

Keep in touch it is hard to talk to family and friends who do not understand , mine have said things like , well leave him then but as you probably
know it is not that simple.

metalsan thank you I will try putting a couple of quid aside even just so I cam get my haircut, it has always been important to
me to be well groomed if nothing else I have never bothered much with clothes but my hair and makeup play a big part in me feeling better about mysef and when they look good I feel more positive. I love that saying too I will remember it when things are tough and the situation seems hopeless.

NestaFiesta Mon 04-Jul-11 16:55:39

Offski, I am giving you an unMumsnetty hand squeeze. Yes, it's not black and white, you can't just label him a bastard and leave him. You know there are so many shades of grey and that the man you love is in there somewhere.

The hard part is providing all the support and not ever getting appreciated for it. It's as if you are invisible scaffolding. Nobody notices how everything is being held together.

I just hope that one day in the future my DH will realise what a smashing wife I was when he was replaced by his evil twin for such a long time. The tiniest acknowledgement will make it all worthwhile. It just says I matter too!

wicketkeeper Mon 04-Jul-11 20:44:04

OK, here's what I've learnt from living for 10 years with the most wonderful man in the world, whose depression turns him in to a man who is almost suffocating with despair and no longer wants to live.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

I'll say that again.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Even if he blames his depression on something you said or didn't say, or something you did or didn't do, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Look after yourself physically and mentally - that's the only way you'll have the strength to give him the help he needs.

RandomMess Mon 04-Jul-11 20:49:58

My dp is suffering with depression and phobias.

The wedge it has driven between us is huge. He is giving 100% to the dc but nothing to me/us and he's dragging me down with him.

The constant walking on eggshells is just awful.

I am trying to look after myself but I feel abandoned and alone.

OP you have my utmost empathy if dp was shouty and snarly I really don't think I could stay.

ChuckYouFarlie Mon 04-Jul-11 21:07:50

Hang in there. It WILL get better.

Think of the epic story of your life that you tell the grandkids 40 years from now... "oh yes, and we had a terrible few years when your dad was a baby, really struggled etc etc...."

The trick is to try and see it as just part of your whole life which has major ups and downs. The bad times are bloody dire when you're in the middle of them but they are NORMAL and a part of life. Don't let it pull you apart as a couple, I think you're worth keeping together by the sounds of it.

NestaFiesta Wed 06-Jul-11 11:31:02

The problem is, when your DH is depressed and being horrible, you feel like you're being punished and yet the world expects you to be a kind and sympathetic carer to the grumpy bastard who's scowling at you like you owe him money.

I just looked at the MIND site and it gave only a passing reference to carers and loads on the poor bastard who's making your life a misery and how much sympathy and care he needs. I know it sounds selfish but its hard to give all this nurturing unconditional love to someone who replies to your questions with an irritable "WHAT?" followed by a loud tut.

RandomMess Wed 06-Jul-11 20:21:13

Nesta that is so true.

My biggest fear is that by the time dh recovers there will be nothing left because he's slowly eroding it away sad

I am coming to the conclusion that I need to accept what we had has gone and make the most of the good things in my life. Also that I do have to prioritise looking after myself because no-one is going to do it for me.

Offski any time you want to vent I'm happy to listen.

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