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To not feel anything about my "real" dad having cancer

(10 Posts)
Rockerchic Sun 03-Jul-11 13:03:54

I recently found out that my real dad as throat cancer. I feel nothing,no sadness,no remorse,nothing. My siblings are the same. The man was an abusive monster to us and my mother.
I actually said I will probably have a party when he dies,does that make me a bitch?
I won't go into the ins and outs of what he did to us all as that personal but hes an evil man.

FabbyChic Sun 03-Jul-11 13:05:21

I have no contact with my parents who are now 70 and 71. I have no idea of their health albeit neither have good histories health wise.

If they died, I do not think I would be sad at all, I would not party because I'm not sick, but I doubt I would feel remorse at the lost five years.

Goblinchild Sun 03-Jul-11 13:05:44

Why should you care?
He was a monster and monsters are supposed to end badly.

iMemoo Sun 03-Jul-11 13:07:50

I have no contact with my biological father. Haven't done since I was 15. Recently found out he is dying but have decided not to see him. He means nothing to me at all.

Yanbu.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Jul-11 13:09:19

YABU... and I say that because if you are bothered enough about it to post it on a message board then you are clearly 'feeling' something... anger, bitterness, unfairness...

Rockerchic Sun 03-Jul-11 13:17:46

I am bothered cogitoegrosometimes as I am a decent human being with feelings and emotions and I have none over this and I am thinking is there something wrong with me,but as DP said what that man did you would being feeling relief which is probably more closer to the truth.

Onemorning Sun 03-Jul-11 13:25:48

YADNBU.

My DSF's father was an abusive tyrant. DSF didn't go to see him while he was dying, nor to his funeral because he'd had the love beaten out of him years ago.

Tyr Sun 03-Jul-11 13:29:55

Rockerchick,

If he was that bad, you are not obliged to feel anything for him. I know people who have disowned shit parents and then regretted not making their peace with them after they have died.
If there is the slightest chance of that, I'd make some effort; not for him- for you.

My dad was mentally and physically abusive, and when parents got divorced he kicked us put of the house and told us he never wanted us, and that we ruined his life. I was left destitute and penniless trying to finish university. Many a time i had to sleep on a park bench just to escape his violence when i went home from Uni in the holidays.

Years later the "family" got in touch to tell us he had leukamia, and wanted to see us. My brother and I could only come to the concusion that he was scoping for a bone marrow transplant from one of us.

Then we were told he was dying. He wanted to see us. We discussed and decided well, fuck him. I could have been a washed up crack whore as far as he was concerned prior to the illness. He told the entire family i was a waste of space who just wanted to drink and sleep around. He beat the living daylights out of my 20 year old dear, sweet, gentle brother during a discussion on politics.

I didn't party, but did some quiet reflection. I came to terms with the fact that my father's upbringing must have facilitated the personality traits he had. I visited his grave some 6 months after and made peace at my own pace. I grieved not for him, but for the lack of a proper, loving and supportive father that was missing in my life. Sometimes when i look at photos of myself and my brother, i do get emotional as i look at two tiny little stick limbed blonde innocent children and just wonder how the hell he could have been so violent to us. We were quiet, helped around the house, excelled at school and never caused trouble. We did everything we could to appease him and it was never enough. What is has given me is a direction i want to take my own family in, and how precious my ds' childhood is. I am reliving a childhood through sharing his IYSWIM?

I have no regrets about not seeing him. He didn't deserve us as children. If you don't feel anything then quietly move on op. I wish you well.

spookshowangel Sun 03-Jul-11 14:48:53

i wouldnt feel anything if my father got ill or died he isnt a part of my life nor will he ever be again. i dont think you should feel bad, people adapt to situations to cope, you obviously did in order to cope with how you could feel the way you did about your father.

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