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AIBU?

for having words with MIL today?

142 replies

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 20:51

Today was ds's class assembly. He is in reception and it was a joint assembly with nursery. He goes to an old, small school (1 class per year) with a small school hall.

Parents of the nursery children are invited to attend the morning or afternoon assembly depending on which session their child attends. Reception childrens parents are split 50/50 for attendance at the morning and afternoon assemblies. After mass attendance by parents, grandparents, Uncle Tom Cobley and all at the Christmas assemblies we were asked (school said for Health and Safety reasons) to limit attendance to 2 people per child.

DH was able to come today so that was our 2 - me and him, and so we didn't even tell MIL about it. Anyway, we saw her earlier in the week and DS mentioned that his class assembly was today. We explained that as DH was coming she wouldn't be able to come. DS mentioned that he was doing it in the afternoon aswell but we explained that we had only been invited to attend the morning performance.

Anyway (well done if you've got this far!), MIL took it upon herself to go to the afternoon performance and then take DS home with her following the assembly (1 1/4 hours early) as the teachers had said that parents could take their childen home at that point if they wished, she said in her text to me that school had finfished early (which it hadn't!). DS would normally be collected by his CM today.

I am not only cross with MIL for seemingly going behind our backs and attending this afternoons performance (knowing that we were going this morning), but also taking DS out of school early. When she brought DS home I have told her all of this. DH seems to think that I have over reacted.

I'm also concerned that the school let DS go with her, knowing that his CM should be collecting him and without me letting them know that today should be any different to normal but that'a nother matter to be sorted out on Monday!

AIBU to have had words with MIL?

OP posts:

Report

DogsBestFriend · 01/07/2011 20:56

I'd be far more concerned about having words with the school than MIL. IMHO it's just not on for them to allow your child to leave with someone who hasn't had your express permission to take them. I'd be furious.

As for MIL, yes, words with her first as she's not respecting you and your requests and as she's likely to put you in an embarrassing position by turning up to limited-number events without an invitation but first... sort the ruddy school out.

DogsBestFriend · 01/07/2011 20:57

Pah! I meant have words with MIL later, not first!

chicletteeth · 01/07/2011 20:58

Your biggest problem is why the school allowed this.
Doesn't matter if it's granny, why on earth did they let him leave with somebody for whom you never gave permission?

The shit would hit the fan if that was my child.

And YANBU

TheOriginalFAB · 01/07/2011 20:59

Ask your MIL what her plan was.

The school should not have let your son go without checking with you first.

TryLikingClarity · 01/07/2011 21:00

Does the school know (from you or DH) that she is your child's gran? Or did they just take her word for it?

If it's the latter then I would go postal on them!

What your MIL did was bad, but I'm not sure what her intentions were.

GruffalosGirl · 01/07/2011 21:00

I would be furious with both her and the school for taking him home, attending the assembly a little less. What if there were family issues that meant you didn't let her see him, I'd be going in to speak to the head on monday.

However, it's obvious she knew she shouldn't have gone or she'd have discussed it with you beforehand so I think she's taking the piss a bit - has she got form?

LeoTheLateBloomer · 01/07/2011 21:00

Is your MIL listed as someone who tends to collect him? Are they familiar with her and has she collected him before?

If not, you should definitely say something, but if she's known to the school I'm afraid I'm not surprised they let her take him. She probably told them it would be ok.

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 21:01

No chance to speak to school unil Monday as I didn't find out about this until I left work today at 5pm, so as MIL brought DS home she got spoken to first!

I think DH is afraid of confrontation with his Mother, but I couldn't just let this go. FWIW, I usually get on really well with her!

OP posts:

Al1son · 01/07/2011 21:01

I would definitely have words with the school about allowing your DS to go with her unless you have listed her on a contact sheet as someone who has permission to take him on your behalf.

I would expect your DH to speak to his mother and make it clear that if she wishes to pick him up she should ask permission first. If it had been a misunderstanding or a mix-up I'd let it go but this was deliberately done behind your back and it needs knocking on the head. Apart from anything else it is just plain rude to you and your childminder. You also could have had plans to pick him up yourself for an appointment.

I think your DH needs to remind himself that your DS has two parents who have parental responsibility and grandparents enjoy their grandchildren with parents' permission.

chicletteeth · 01/07/2011 21:03

Doesn't matter if they know she is their gran.
Some relatives aren't allowed access, and even if they are, if the parent hasn't said that they are expecting the child to be picked up by them - the child should never ever be allowed to leave with them.

This is absolute crap, I am fuming for you. I would shit myself if I found out that my son had been allowed to leave school with somebody that I hadn't given permission for.

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 21:03

I think she's collected him once all the time he's been there (5 terms in nursery and just about 3 in reception), and been to one other assembly and this years sports day so no, they wouldn't automatically recognise her as his Grandmother.

Do you think I should discuss it first with his class teacher or go straight to the HT?

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 01/07/2011 21:04

I would be livid with the school.

Yanbu to say something to mil, she was deliberately underhand IMO.

LeoTheLateBloomer · 01/07/2011 21:06

Go to the head. It sounds like she's obviously not listed as a contact so should certainly not be collecting him.

ENormaSnob · 01/07/2011 21:07

I would go straight to the ht.

The more I think about it the more I think your mil was way out of order.

Shit and fan would meet.

chicletteeth · 01/07/2011 21:07

You need to go to HT right away.
That teacher needs the book thrown at him/her.
It's not on and is quite frankly, misconduct and potentially endangering the welfare of a child.

So he/she let your child go with somebody (who is but she doesn't know that) who said she was his gran?

The mind boggles as the stupidity of this.

Tell MIL if she pulls this again, you will not allow her to attend any events or collect him and will warn the school of it. Nip it in the bud in case she starts doing this again.

mercibucket · 01/07/2011 21:12

in our school, once you've been to pick up the kids once or twice, the teachers know they are allowed to take the kids home and I would imagine that you'd have to explicitly tell them that they are no longer allowed to take them home rather than give them a letter or password for every time they go to pick them up.
I'd want to have words with the teacher about sending the kids home an hour and a quarter early though - that means that half the class (parents went in afternoon) get to go home early and the other half have to stay. that's a bit of a shame.
tbh, I'd have been pleased that my ds got to go home early, I'm sure he was more pleased about that than most of the rest of it, and also quite chilled out about the '3 parents going to assembly' thing, but hey, looks like I'm in the minority on that. at our school, you'd be lucky to see half the parents at assembly.

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 21:13

Oh blimey!

I know that the scholl were in the worng here but I'm not good at this sort of thing (luckily I've not had a lot of practice) and it took a lot of nerve for me to say something to MIL this evening (especially with DH hiding away upstairs ).

I'm going to have to plan and rehearse what I'm going to say!

OP posts:

chicletteeth · 01/07/2011 21:18

Presumably (although not a biggie in the grand scheme of things) the school has now facilitated an unauthorised absence!

Why should DS get to go early without prior notification? This whole thing makes no sense to me.

I had a friend pick up my DS once earlier this year since I couldn't find my keys and couldn't leave. Forgot to ring the school and they know her very very well (her boy in the same class, back to each others house for tea regularly etc..) and they would not let him go. They rang me first.

What did you say to MIL?

3littlefrogs · 01/07/2011 21:19

Did she let the CM know not to collect him? I can just imagine how the CM would feel if she turned up and the child was not there.........

(Dd's teacher sent her to after school club on a day that I was collecting her at the usual home time. (She only went to ASC 3 days a week). For about 15 minutes nobody knew where dd was and I was getting frantic).

Iteotwawki · 01/07/2011 21:20

Good heavens! A grandparent wanted to see their grandson at the school assembly, she obviously requires shooting.

She attended the afternoon one, having been told by yourselves that you were going to the morning one. A teacher said the kids could leave after which she may well have taken to understand school finishing early. Why on earth would you want to "have words" with her? For all she knows it might be ok to go to both if said child is in both - she knows morning is out as 2 already going, so she heads in for afternoon. God help her, she might actually be proud of her son's son?

Yes, be annoyed with school for allowing a potentially unknown person to pick your son up, but presumably he said she was his gran? I'd expect a 5 year old to be able to!

You are completely overreacting. In my opinion. Be happy your son has grandparents who love him and want to be involved.

Grabaspoon · 01/07/2011 21:20

Def words with school and YANBU to be annoyed/have words with MIL

Grabaspoon · 01/07/2011 21:22

BUT even if DS said it was his granny - the school don't know if there are access arangements etc

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Yama · 01/07/2011 21:28

I agree with Mercibucket. Seems a bit unfair that some pupils were sent home early. Your MIL should have checked with you first though and I'm guessing she will in the future.

enjoyingbeingnan · 01/07/2011 21:30

I am with Iteotwawki on this one!

misty0 · 01/07/2011 21:31

Yes, be annoyed with school for allowing a potentially unknown person to pick your son up, but presumably he said she was his gran? I'd expect a 5 year old to be able to!

A 5 year old would presumably also be able to identify the neighbour, the milkman, the postman, whoever .. to his/her teacher. That doesnt mean the school should happily send the child away with that person!!!

Think about it...

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