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AIBU?

Muslim boyfriend

84 replies

Worriedandqueasy · 01/07/2011 18:11

Lest you think this is a racist rant, I am mixed race (african/english).

I am worried about DD (14) who has acquired a muslim boyfriend. The reasons that I am worried are as follows:

His parents are vehemently opposed to anyone outside the faith

He is completely inarticulate and a bit hopeless

The religion really worries me - whilst Islam doesn't itself condone the poor treatment of women, its adherents often seem to.

I'd be nearly as worried if she were dating any other radical believers of any faith.

I really feel uncomfortable here and I don't know if IABU

OP posts:

Report

PaintedToenails · 01/07/2011 18:14

To be perfectly honest, she's 14!

It'll probably all be over and forgotten about in a fortnight.....

But just because he's a muslim and his parents are vehemently against all non-muslims, doesn't necessarily make him a 'radical believer of the faith'.....

xx

justpaddling · 01/07/2011 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itisnearlysummer · 01/07/2011 18:39

Are people of mixed race (African/English) not capable of racist rants then?

Is it just us white folk?

itisnearlysummer · 01/07/2011 18:40

I agree with PaintedToenails, it'll all be forgotten in a fortnight.

tazmin · 01/07/2011 18:41

Lest you think this is a racist rant, I am mixed race (african/english).

can only certain races be racist then

GypsyMoth · 01/07/2011 18:42

how will his parents 'make sure it doesnt last'.....by doing what??

electra · 01/07/2011 18:44

Do you have any reason to think that their faith is radical though?

Being mixed race is not a disqualifier from the ability to express an opinion that might be racist.

Awomancalledhorse · 01/07/2011 18:44

If his parents are that anti him dating non-muslims they'll stamp it out as soon as they find out tbh.
How does your DD feel about it all? Does she care/mind/worry that he's a muslim?

worraliberty · 01/07/2011 18:45

Firstly, how does being African/English mean you can't be racist?

YABU as they're only 14 so it's not like they want to get married.

worraliberty · 01/07/2011 18:45

Oh and as for mouldy cod...I have no clue? Lol

LynetteScavo · 01/07/2011 18:45

His parents are vehemently opposed to anyone outside the faith - She is 14, it's highly unlikely she will marry him.

He is completely inarticulate and a bit hopeless- as above, but then most 14 year old boys are inarticulate and a bit hopeless.

The religion really worries me - whilst Islam doesn't itself condone the poor treatment of women, its adherents often seem to. - As above, but as you say, Islam doesn't condone the poor treatment of women....what you have to look at her is how this individual boy treats your daughter, and leave religion out of it.

HowlingBitch · 01/07/2011 18:46

Good point itisnearlysummer and Taz!

Chaotica · 01/07/2011 18:48

YABU

Leave them alone and it will last or it won't.
LynnetteScavo just said what I was about to.

Tryharder · 01/07/2011 18:48

I agree that you are probably worrying unnecessarily if she's only 14 - it will probably fizzle out fairly soon in any case. BUT, I would also not want my daughter involved in any relationship where her boyfriend's parents are either unaware of disapprove of her existance. It rarely ends well.

A (white)relative of a friend of mine had a baby with a British Asian lad of Pakistani heritage. His parents were not made aware of her or the baby's existance. He has now been married off to his cousin and the girlfriend gets an occasional shag and £20 thrown her way when he's a bit flush. Sad, demeaning and embarrassing...

kaid100 · 01/07/2011 18:49

My first driving instructor was mixed race, but he would use the N-word without irony or the "matey" sense. He didn't teach me for long.

His parents are vehemently opposed to anyone outside the faith

Is he vehemently opposed to anyone of different faiths? It's not his fault if he's got awkward parents, and let's not forget plenty of parents are vehemently opposed to Islam. They may soften anyway as they get to know her, but if not that's not his fault.

He is completely inarticulate and a bit hopeless

Most 14-year-olds are like that, they're just not as used to the world or speaking like an adult as we are. If he was that bad, your daughter wouldn't be interested at all.

The religion really worries me - whilst Islam doesn't itself condone the poor treatment of women, its adherents often seem to.

What does he believe on the subject? We can't judge every Muslim on the basis of some Muslims.

itisnearlysummer · 01/07/2011 18:49

I can't believe you're really worried about this. At 14 I'd be bothered if my DD was going out with anyone (she's only small so it's a long way off!) rather than the religious persuasion of the boys parents!

I'd be nearly as worried if she were dating any other radical believers of any faith.

So you'd be less worried if he wasn't a Muslim.

So it is because he's a Muslim then?! Just so we've got that clear.

Xales · 01/07/2011 18:50

Can't do anything about this it is their choice

Of course he is, he is a 14 year old boy

There are nutters in all religions.

Teach your daughter to be strong, know what she is worth and to stand up for herself and say no. Then you are giving her good basic skills for life with pushy men/boyfriends who want more than she does regardless of religion through to employers etc.

All people are capable of being racist it doesn't matter what colour, ethnic background or religion they are.

notmyproblem · 01/07/2011 18:53

Surely you just do what you'd do with any other of your DD's friends or boyfriends? In other words, get to know him, make your house welcome to him, supervise them and what they're doing and where they're going accordingly (at 14 they have some freedom but not tons I assume)?

If you act like you disapprove, don't like him, forbid your DD to see him, you're just going to drive her towards him. If you are cool about it and let things go as they will, it'll probably last a few weeks/months then be done.

I'd only be worrying about it if your DD is the type who won't talk to you, won't obey house rules, misbehaves in school, etc. But then again, if she's like that you've already lost the battle and the boyfriend is probably the least of your worries.

If you trust her and have a good open relationship with her, you don't have anything to worry about imo. If he's that different to her and their upbringings are very much at odds, she'll figure it out for herself. Good lesson in life for her.

Driftwood999 · 01/07/2011 18:57

OP, 14 is too young to have the status of "having a boyfriend" of any description, it's a very impressionable age imo. The fact that he is only 14 is irrelevant. Many 14 year olds are sexually active. Therefore whatever his religion I would be concerned and very watchful. You are the parent. Go with your instincts.

worraliberty · 01/07/2011 19:00

Why is 14 too young to have the 'status of having a boyfriend of any description'?

BumWiper · 01/07/2011 19:05

At 14 I wouldnt be worrying.
Any boyfriend,regardless of religion,could mistreat your daughter.Just make it clear that any form of abuse in relationships is wrong.

sweetness86 · 01/07/2011 19:15

I cans see OP point of view in some respect mainly because the muslim faith does have bad press .
I would see what happens shes only 14 and this will probably be over before its started.

sweetness86 · 01/07/2011 19:17

Also when I was 14 I was going out with a guy my mom totally hated lol so I saw him more just to annoy her but this boy could be really nice I think you should look beyond his faith and get to know him as a person maybe .

InMyPrime · 01/07/2011 19:22

Do you know his parents at all e.g. through school? You could suggest meeting with them as a 'get to know you' opening gambit to reduce suspicion / intolerance on both sides. Since you know (or think?) that they are people who don't approve of interfaith relationships and you have your reservations about them as well, it might give everyone an opportunity to set their minds at rest.

Also, if your daughter's new boyfriend isn't willing to have you meet his parents then that's a pretty clear indication of his lack of serious intentions towards your daughter. It could just be some passing 14 year old fad that will have fizzled out by next week. It could also well be the case that his parents, if they're really religious, don't approve of him dating at all so they might appreciate being made aware of the situation. Either way asking to meet with / chat to his parents should give you a good indication of where you stand. Personally, I think 14 is too young to be 'dating' etc without some parental supervision.

toutlemonde · 01/07/2011 19:28

YABU and racist in my opinion.

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