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to not get why some women feel 'cheated' on when they find porn

(345 Posts)
M0naLisa Fri 01-Jul-11 11:28:50

Now I know most porn threads turn into a debate and article about why porn is wrong on many levels. I understand that part!!

BUT what I don't understand is why some women feel like there husband has cheated on them when they find porn mags, websites, etc

He's not shagging those in the films/mags whatever, so why do women get obsessed when it comes to their bloke watching porn films/sites or buying mags?

AliceWhirledSupportsTheStrike Fri 01-Jul-11 11:31:25

Cheating for me is an emotional process not just a physical one. It's the emotional detachment from you to another, be they physically there, online, on a video, or on a bit of paper.

Shagging is not the sum total of cheating.

Cocoflower Fri 01-Jul-11 11:31:39

I was thinking the exact same thing but from an opposite stance!

How is not cheating though? How do you justify that- is getting sexual gratification from someone outside your marriage ok?

Nowtspecial Fri 01-Jul-11 11:33:39

Would it bother you if it were gay porn ?

michelleseashell Fri 01-Jul-11 11:34:35

I don't understand it either. I've even heard it extends to women feeling betrayed because their husband had a sly wank in the shower.

I just don't mind. I guess that way I don't ever feel lied to because it doesn't have to be a secret.

ShatnersBassoon Fri 01-Jul-11 11:34:40

I suppose it's the sense of being left out of part of their partner's sex life. For some women it's the revelation of a secret sex life which can be hurtful even when there is no 'other woman'.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 01-Jul-11 11:37:27

YANBU... I also wonder if men ever feel cheated on if they discover their DW has had a cheeky once round the block with a Rampant Rabbit and a steamy novel?

Cocoflower Fri 01-Jul-11 11:37:34

But there is another woman! Your DH is getting sexually aroused and having an orgasam to another woman (well maybe man/animal/ whatever)

Just because he didnt physically touch her it is ok?

thingsabeachanging Fri 01-Jul-11 11:39:05

Coco - really? You have never thought about anyone other than your partner and gained gratification from it? No Johnny Depp fantasies?

DontGoCurly Fri 01-Jul-11 11:39:41

They're not shagging them, but they want to. That's the problem. They're shagging them mentally.

charliejosh Fri 01-Jul-11 11:40:14

to call it cheating is ridiculous

Cocoflower Fri 01-Jul-11 11:41:44

No not at all I need to have an emotional connection to someone personally also. I find my DH the sexiest man alive he is enough.

TakeMeDrunkImHome Fri 01-Jul-11 11:42:41

grin at "once round the block with a rampant rabbit"!

M0naLisa Fri 01-Jul-11 11:43:43

Damn phone. Posted a long reply and phone crashed. But in mean time there's more post. Glad. Its not just me thinking it. Yeah like a pp said 'what about when he has a sly wank in the shower, what if he told you and then said 'he'd had a good 'think' about you' meaning he'd imagined shagging you whilst having a wank?

Why is it ok for a women to pleasure herself to her hearts content with a rabbit/bullt/fingerhmm but its not ok for her dh to have a wank!

M0naLisa Fri 01-Jul-11 11:43:43

Damn phone. Posted a long reply and phone crashed. But in mean time there's more post. Glad. Its not just me thinking it. Yeah like a pp said 'what about when he has a sly wank in the shower, what if he told you and then said 'he'd had a good 'think' about you' meaning he'd imagined shagging you whilst having a wank?

Why is it ok for a women to pleasure herself to her hearts content with a rabbit/bullt/fingerhmm but its not ok for her dh to have a wank!

michelleseashell Fri 01-Jul-11 11:46:01

Shagging them mentally? I really don't see it like that at all. It's just men prefer visual stimulation and I'm happy with my imagination. He doesn't want to set up shop with some random boobs. He just wants a little look at them.

Not to have a go at you or anything. It just genuinely puzzles me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 01-Jul-11 11:46:50

Isn't a big part of the problem that men (and this is a sweeping generalisation, I'll grant you) are aroused by the visual? Whereas women (in my rampant rabbit and steamy novel example) can be aroused by the mental - no visual required? So if a man wants to masturbate (and I hope no-one thinks men should stop doing that just because they're married) then he's likely to need a visual stimulus of some kind as an 'aide erotique'. Whereas women can be less obvious.

It's unusual never to have fantasies about someone other than the officially-sanctioned partner. Most people now and again have a wank while thinking of a sleb/a picture they've seen/the attractive new colleague and it doesn't mean that they have any intention of acting on the fantasy, just that it's a pleasant mental diversion.
If you are so intensely monogamous that your partner having fantasies seems like cheating to you, then you had better seek out a partner who is just as intensely monogamou as you, otherwise it's all going to go horribly wrong, with one partner forever having jealous tantrums and the other feeling absolutely suffocated and controlled.

spookshowangel Fri 01-Jul-11 11:47:16

i dont understand it either your dp does not know these women/men, they are not sneaking to hotels and having babies with or telling them their deepest darkest secrets. it is simple sexual gratification whether there is porn involved or like mentioned above its a wank in the shower whilst fantasying over something else. if it isnt made a taboo subject then dp's dont have to lie about it. i dont see why gay porn would be any more controversial, men watch lesbian porn all the time as do women.
for me cheating is when dp betrays your trust with another person i dont see how that translate to wanking by themselves.

thingsabeachanging Fri 01-Jul-11 11:48:35

No role play?

Seroiusly, my husband is more than enough for me and I would never venture outside that but who doesnt look at film/tv stars or something like policemen/firemen/footballers/ atheletes/ whatever else floats your boat, and doesnt get a bit hot under the collar?

To be honest I think men and porn is a lot MORE faithful than that as its rarely the actual women they want its the act or attitude they want.

Crosshair Fri 01-Jul-11 11:49:51

I thought most men in general need some form of visual stimulation to have a wank. Women not so much?

I think people feel like its a breach of trust and therefore can be very upsetting for them.

spookshowangel Fri 01-Jul-11 11:50:21

its also a massive generalisation that women are not just as visual as men.

Cocoflower Fri 01-Jul-11 11:51:30

What an authortive post SCGB. Im glad you have inner knowledge to every adults sexual imaginations. I do wonder how you know so much.

PrisonerZero Fri 01-Jul-11 11:52:00

Its not the looking at porn that bothers me so much - although I don't like it - its the deciet that goes along with it, the deleting internet history, using a mobile phone in the bathroom, hiding magazines (why should things be hidden from me, in my own home. Hiding them from the children - fine). Also the lies, when i've asked if he (talking about an ex here not DP) has been looking at porn, when I know he has, only to have him lie to my face. If he wanted to look at porn then thats fine, hes an adult and i'm not his mother, but to lie, sneak around and treat me like an idiot is not fine.

Also, there is a difference between porn and interactive sex sites, like facebook of sex and fuckbook etc - to me they are unnacceptable.

My DP can have a wank whenever he pleases, infact half the time I tell him too as I am tired/can't be bothered/not in the mood etc, he doesn't as far as I know use porn but thats mainly because he has seen so much of it in the past that it bores him and because he can't be arsed to get out of bed and go downstairs to the computer I suppose.

michelleseashell Fri 01-Jul-11 11:52:23

Yes the visual thing is a massive generalisation. My husband doesn't actually even look at porn ever because he's not that into it. I wouldn't mind at all if he was though.

I think if he was texting someone or on a dating website, THAT would piss me off. Not random magazines or videos though.

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