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...to have difficulty trusting DH?

(38 Posts)
Lunabelly Fri 01-Jul-11 09:57:58

Ok, in a nutshelly but long post, our old flat, our NDN was apparently my best friend, one night at a party, she and DH were caught in a toilet cubicle (how very classy), then she spent the following fourteen hours in my home because she wouldn't leave, then I was slowly dripfed horror upon horror by the two people I trusted most. sad

But HEY! Apparently they didn't sleep together. (I believe they did and I believe I know when)

The only reason I forgave DH was the fact that I found out that we were at least victim number three. (I have reports that she is now onto a new victim but that's another thread!)
Because this is what she does. Wheedles in, goes for your husband. And I had nowhere to hide from her because she was right next door.
So in the course of mending our marriage (which was hard due to the constant cackling from next door), our DS was concieved, and quite frankly, my son saved my life.
OK, so she tries to wheedle in again, fails, stalks and harasses me to the point we have to get the police involved. They read all the letters and texts, and told us we should have dialled 999 on at least two occasions. Just knowing that they took me seriously and were in my corner was a huge comfort. But I couldn't go into my beautiful garden because she would go into her garden, and start playing love songs such as I am a Woman in Love , really loudly. She would go into my front garden and to weeding and cut MY buddleaia back, approach and touch my DCs on the school run, and cackle for hours on end. Even worse, her long suffering DH would have a go at me for upsetting her - I had ordered her off my property. confused

What with that, my DH having shaken me to my core and the fact that we were by then six of us in a one-bed flat, I had a slight breakdown all over the floor and ended up on strong antidepressants.
At this point I need to say that after our first DC together, DH pretty well much withdrew affection and relations. Having found out what I found out on that night , I presume that seeing the birth brought back memories for him and so apart from the marriage mending days, our sex-life is pretty much zero. I try to understand because of what happened to him, but it is hard to live without affection, especially when you have issues and anxieties - although I have always been...quirky, these issues got worse while living in that flat and after DD was born - this is maybe why mum hates DH.

So, after my meltdown, we managed to get housed and now I have found the strength to come off the chemical cosh and am fast becoming the Lunabelly I once was. So we are at the present day.

He has recently joined twitter. Yesterday, because I obviously feel a need to keep vague tabs on him, I looked at his profile page, and there was a porno type profile that he was following. So I looked through his list of people he follows, and there were about 15 pornoesque profiles. So I fired off a text along the lines of "I should have fucking slit my wrists when you were first caught out because all these years I have forgiven you and tried to accept our affectionless marriage and YOU'RE FUCKING LOOKING AT PORN"

So he did his usual overreaction by saying "They weren't porno, and I'm giving up work because if I'm with you 24/7 you'll learn to trust me"
I told him, if we had a normal marriage, it wouldn't have bothered me so much, but the fact that we don't, well, it's like a punch to the heart.
Yes, I have put on weight - because of the pills, stopping smoking and being so bloody unhappy, but HIS past had infected our marriage long before the weight gain. Again, I do my best to be understanding in that department.

We DO love each other, and we know we need to communicate, but everytime I try and open a dialogue, he does his hissy fit. I asked him if we should end it so I can find someone who actually loves me, and he gets upset and says "NO! I love you".

Sooooo...after that long post (so you can't accuse me of drip-feeding!), AIBU for having trust issues? WWYD?

NearlySpring Fri 01-Jul-11 10:03:25

Oh dear! Your DH cheated on you and you are now having trust issues, no surprise there really.

Following porn stars on Twitter is harmless though.

Why did you have another child if there were already 5 of you in a one bed flat?

SquidgyBiscuits Fri 01-Jul-11 10:03:36

You are and you aren't.

Men looking at porn isn't (or shouldn't be) an issue. Its just looking. I think it is inexcusable what your DH did to you, but you chose to forgive him so you have to actually do it. I udnerstand that he needed to earn your trust back, but if the time can never come that you don't need to check his twitter account behind his back then its never going to be a healthy relationship.

SquidgyBiscuits Fri 01-Jul-11 10:04:08

*understand

TechLovingDad Fri 01-Jul-11 10:10:11

How can he withdraw from you when he cheated on you? Is he punishing you for something?

If you do or can forgive, then I agree, you need to draw a line under it and not refer to it again. Even subconsciously.

If you can't forgive, then that's completely understandable. I'm not sure you should forgive, to be honest.

Lunabelly Fri 01-Jul-11 10:11:41

NearlySpring - I said in the post about him being concieved whilst mending our marriage, and hormones, feelings, ability to put a condom on properly etc were all over the place. When I found out I was devastated as I was still in half a mind to leave DH. But then a midwife said "You don't have to go ahead with this pregnancy" , it crystalised it for me...so I told the MW that "I'm not killing my baby just because his father's a cunt"

Classy I know but I was all over the place.

(The flat was one of those Victorian conversions with a front room, middle room, long weird walk-through room, then a teeny kitchen and bath at the back)
I am the queen of storage and bloody good at organising rooms though, so had we not had JanineBloodyButcher next door, we could maybe have dealt with it.
Britain's housing crisis is not the issue here though.

Lunabelly Fri 01-Jul-11 10:13:39

I asked if AIBU, because from his reaction, you would think I am. Are my feelings normal?

Lunabelly Fri 01-Jul-11 10:15:47

It's not that I don't forgive...it's that, there's people you'd expect infidelity from, and people you never would in a million years. DH was the latter.

Him doing that has shaken my failth in people to the very core.

Cocoflower Fri 01-Jul-11 10:16:18

You sound so unhappy Im sorry to hear this.

Of course you will have trust issues seeing as he already broke your trust.

Looking at porn is again breaking your trust.

But being so hurt you want to slit your wrists.... you are in such an unhealthy place you sound deeply hurt and too be honest like their is a huge amount of hatred towards your DH. Which is undestandable as he has put you through misery.

I think you must work through all those ghosts of the past as a priority and come to find if you can truly work through this as adults (he must communicate) and forgive ;or if that is not possible then question of this way of living is what you really want for your one and only life.

Lunabelly Fri 01-Jul-11 10:20:44

Cocoflower I know, we need to work through this, but he himself will say "We need to communicate", and I will point out that it's not me who gets hissy and stampy when I hear something I don't want to talk about.

I need to clarify that I have been prone to depression pretty much all my life, had bad PND after all my DCs, and until recently, every day was a battle I had to get through for my family. Now I can wake up and see the sun. I know my issues are not fun, but they were worsened by issues within our marriage...

Cocoflower Fri 01-Jul-11 10:24:16

His attitude will get your marriage no where. Of course he does not want to talk about the hurt he caused it is hardly pleasant but all he is doing is making you both stuck in this emotional battle. You want questions answered and you at the very least deserve that.

If he wants this marriage to work he must talk. Can you start by writing a letter to each other?

Lunabelly Fri 01-Jul-11 10:30:46

Have tried. He is the King of Denial. He wants our marriage to work but won't put in the mileage. I'm "reduced" to asking total strangers for advice because what happened has turned my from a friendly trust-everyone type, to someone who will never let anyone in again, so have no-one to turn to.

Yukana Fri 01-Jul-11 10:31:11

Lunabelly sorry to hear you're feeling like this.

Can I just say that I wouldn't worry about him looking at porn, although it may hurt to see him doing so, a lot of men do it and for example, my DP looks at porn and I know this, but it doesn't negatively affect our relationship.

It sounds as if you are having difficulty trusting his feelings after everything that has happened and I don't blame you. It's going to take a long time for you to feel 'safe' again and I think your DH realises this. It does sound as if he is at least trying to slowly mend the wounds, and support you. But the lack of communication and - an assumption of mine here - affection you are giving to each other is making things frustrating and hard for the both of you.

From his reaction to your marriage ending it sounds like he cares for you, but has no idea what he is supposed to do to begin to bring happiness to both of you? Is sex difficult because of the lack of affection/trust at the moment? Perhaps build up to it. Do you enjoy DH being there for you? Tell him so! I'm bad at advice and don't know what to suggest but, slowly work at your own pace and talk every now and then when you are both ready.

Cocoflower Fri 01-Jul-11 10:47:07

Im sorry, I dont mean to signal anyone out on this issue but I think the porn is a huge part of the problem.

Not all men look at porn by any means. Many women and men have objections to porn especially in a marriage it is not something that is just the norm.

And the OP is someone who does object strongly to porn so this very valid and very relevant.

The OP DH has cheated on her, won't comminicate and doesnt want sex but is happy to invest time into porn stars on the internet.

That is very insulting and I can see why you would be so hurt op.

wrongdecade Fri 01-Jul-11 11:12:47

your DH and ow sound like nutters tbh he should be trying harder to gain your trust and frankly I would leave her to it, sounds like she feeds off attention seeking behaviour,

has he tried to make it up to you OP? or just brush it uder the carpet?

I also don't think DH was a victim , he went along with it as much as she did t does sound like you leaving all the blame at her door.

Lunabelly Fri 01-Jul-11 11:49:01

Am not anti-porn per se, but angry that he will not give me any affection because of his issues, but will have pornbots pals on bloody twitter. If we had a normal relationship, I wouldn't have reacted so strongly.

WrongDecade - we managed to move away, so don't have her in my face any more, she has a new victim now by all accounts sad

He was in no way a victim, and it does take two - but she has history, this is her hobby - I don't know if she is so messed up that she wants to be other people and have what they have?
But if it wasn't the discovery that we were her most recent targets and for our DS, I would have packed up the kids and left him to stew in his own doorstep dump!

But he will NOT talk about it. I need some closure on some issues. Look, he and I deal with things in different ways. He avoids, is of the opinion "well, that affair is over so it's ok" whereas I need answers and will talk about my mistakes so I can learn from them, because it's not ok.

Lipstickgal Fri 01-Jul-11 12:01:46

You can leave this relationship you know.
It is not unreasonable to expect more.
You may be fundamentally incompatible.
You may be addicted to the drama and it could be making you ill.
I think you need some space from all of this to clear your head.

Lipstickgal Fri 01-Jul-11 12:03:30

Oh yes and your husband was not a victim. He made a choice.

Lipstickgal Fri 01-Jul-11 12:08:40

Also -You don't need his permission to leave. You are free to anytime. Take back your power within this relationship. The fact that you are asking him shows that you aren't serious but just looking for affirmation. In what way can you say that you love each other?
Are you confusing love with dependency?

skybluepearl Fri 01-Jul-11 12:11:19

i think the blame for your hubbies unfaithfulness has to be laid fair and square on your hubbys shoulders and not the NDN. He is responible for his own actions and he chose to be unfaithful to you. He did it and he is the one in a relationship with you - not the NDN.

Good idea to keep a log of incidents with the NDN. Best try and act uninterested/not bothered as it sounds like she is desperate for a reaction. Maybe get the poice involved if nes.

The porn is neither here or there in my opinion. I*'d be upset if my hubby was doing that but it's something that could be worked through. Maybe if you are both feeling unfullfilled you needs to go to Relate for sessions.

skybluepearl Fri 01-Jul-11 12:13:03

ok just read your recent post. can you tell him that you both go to Relate or some other therapy/councelling together or you will leave?

Lunabelly Fri 01-Jul-11 12:30:51

LiptickGal Addicted to the drama? Oh hell no, I just want a quiet life with my babies and a loving husband. I had quite enough drama growing up with a violent alcoholic thanks!!! smile
I do sometimes fantasise about leaving though, I cannot lie. But at the end of the day, we love each other. Everything was great until the day I gave birth to our DD. He denies it, but that is the exact moment he changed.

Yes, he did make his choice, but she also made a choice to do that to me, and several other women. The best way to describe her is as a shark, scenting blood in the water. If this has been a first offence (so to speak) for her as well, he would have been out of the door.

The police have told me to dial 999 if she turns up on my doorstep again, (this was pre-move), due to her getting fatal attraction on me. NOT bloody him, but ME. She didn't send endless texts and letters and harrass HIM, but me. Why? Hopefully she's too engrossed in her current victims to bother finding us.

worraliberty Fri 01-Jul-11 12:50:58

I think both of you need to face up to what he did. He was not a victim...the other men this woman is going after are not victims either..but grown adults who can choose/not choose to be faithful to their wives.

He needs to admit to having sex with her and you need to sit and discuss it before you can both move on properly from it.

PrettyMeerkat Fri 01-Jul-11 13:08:22

What does NDN mean?

Also what do you mean about the birth bringing back memories for him and this "I try to understand because of what happened to him".

Lunabelly Fri 01-Jul-11 15:16:56

NDN = next door neighbour.

He was hurt as a child, I did not know this until the night they were caught. She knew.

If he had told me, I would have understood why he freaked if, say, I kissed him on passing in the hall, and not done it. Instead of standing there dazed and confused and wondering wtf just happened.

But everything was fine until the birth - can only presume the pain etc whirred some cogs in his brain?

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