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To want to keep my father away from my babies

(16 Posts)
mooshy1970 Fri 01-Jul-11 00:52:44

my father is a stuck up self centred selfish man whom I have spent my entire life trying to please and gain approval from . he spends most of his life doing everything with my only other sibling who is a 35year old bachelor and they sit smoking their effing pipes talking about chuffing shooting and politics most days together .
he dislikes children but likes to see them when they are older and if they are well behaved.
if they misbehave he sees absolutely no reason why he can't shout and bully them.We are talking elbows on the table here not breaking best china.
he regularly tells us we are all fat when in fact we are all entirely healthy but he is obese. he shouted so much at my one daughter during dinner when she got choc on her face she then got down from the table at every meal and washed her face ten or more times for over a year.
Anyway there's lots more but nothing as bad as when dc 4 was christened . He absolutely hated it I don't know why. Well prob because for the first time ever I organised the christening myself and it was or would have need a fairy tale christening . He used the f word to my children twice before walking out . It was one of the worst moments of my life and I felt ashamed and so very sad . We didn't see him for 6 months and during that time he walked past his 6 year old grandson on Christmas eve and ignored him despite my ds running up to him . We had a reconciliation despite never having an apology and tonight was dd 1st birthday. Because of several previous small scenes we always said we'd not have my parents again to birthdays . Sounds awful but they just want all the attention and then cause a scene if they don't get it .well they seemed to be really making an effort and tonight they came to the party half an hour early. It was a champagne and cake party very informal just pop in type .they said as usual they can't stop and I muttered something about what a nice greeting which I so wish I hadn't because my father started saying the f. word over and over and my little boy was crying and I pleaded with him to stop swearing and all he kept saying was that I swore and he got it from me but I don't and if I do I would never in front of my babies . It has totally wrecked me . My mum wants to bring him
tomorrow to ds birthday ! Yes one day apart bad
planning or what. I said yes because I don't want her
all upset again but now everyone has gone and kids in
bed I've had few mins to think and I am fed up of
letting it go. There is no point in talking to him because
I promise you he just wouldn't listen. He'd never ever
apologise because he genuinely sees he does no
wrong and I don't actually think he even likes me .
He'd put me over his knee and give me ten if the best
if he could physically still do it and I'm beginning to
realise what a nasty horrid man he is. Do I let him
come tomorrow because he is my father and I am a
Christian. . . . Honour by father and mother, or do I
Really hurt my mother and tell her that's it I am not
having him in my house . Either way he won't give a
dam it's my mum who will get hurt but she's a pretty
difficult one too . Oh crumbs sorry about punctuation
am breastfeeding ! Wwyd x I told him never to set foot in here again without an apology but he'll come in like nothing has happened and he will never ever apologise . God don't ever let me hurt my babies like he has me x

pingusmumtoo Fri 01-Jul-11 00:57:00

Just say no !
Can't really add any more without getting all shouty on your behalf but please don't let him back in your house - he's upset you and the children more than enough and you need to keep him away from them, and you.

Cocoflower Fri 01-Jul-11 01:01:42

Your father sounds like he has narcisstic tendicies. Is narcissim something you have ever researched?

Perhaps if you think he is narcisstic (after looking at symptoms online) you could learn the best way to deal with him if this seems to be the case?

(Im not a proffesional but my own father was narcisstic)

Joolyjoolyjoo Fri 01-Jul-11 01:02:46

He sounds horrible sad I would definitely keep him at arm's length from my children.

To put it in perspective, my dad is one of my children's favourite people. He adores them, adores to spend time with them, really enjoys them and enhances their life in a million ways. That is what a "papa" should be like. Not this nasty draconian man you describe. Sorry, I know he is your dad, but if I were you I would stick to my guns. You are a grown woman now, and he has no power over you. Don't let him intimidate and bully your children sad

Sunshineonacloudyday Fri 01-Jul-11 01:13:38

I don't mean to be disrespectful but what has religion got to do with how you feel. You need to tell you're parents how you feel even if it hurts there feelings. I have been in your position you have to tell them forget their feelings they are not thinking about yours. I have learnt that they are only my parents they are not my friends.

LordOfTheFlies Fri 01-Jul-11 01:15:23

I personally wouldn't let him near my children.
You are a grown up and you clearly have no scales before your eyes. But your children should not be subjected to this.Neither should you TBH but you have to protect your children from what you've experienced.
They will miss having GPs and might feel left out when their friends talk about theirs but I think it's a small price to pay.

Definately he needs to apologise and do some spadework,but do you think he will?
Will your mum come to your house by herself?

LDNmummy Fri 01-Jul-11 01:22:26

Well its either you hurt your mother or you hurt your children. I know what I would do.

She is an adult and can get over it. Considering the situation, she shouldn't even be putting you in this position to begin with.

Jackin Fri 01-Jul-11 06:48:07

You're responsibilty is to your children, not to your parents. This sort of behaviour is damaging them and they would be better off without this influence on their lives. Also he sounds like a proper bully who has had his way for too long and see's it as his due that he can talk to people like this. Honor your father and Mother is ok but respect goes both ways and it sounds like he doesn't respect anybody even himself

diddl Fri 01-Jul-11 07:17:51

He sounds like a bully & a bore tbh.

Say no.

Tough to your mum-but she did nothing to stop him bullying you as a child, and it is now up to you as an adult to stop him bullying you & your children.

AnyF Fri 01-Jul-11 07:57:27

Stand up for your children

Something your mother appears to be incapable of

Don't continue that particular family legacy

< bitter experience >

spookshowangel Fri 01-Jul-11 08:54:55

you may be a Christian and the bible does say that, but realistically ask yourself would god want you to be so unhappy to satisfy some words in a book. you cant always do what the bible says you should. should a woman stay married to an abusive husband because the bible say she shouldn't get divorced? there are in fact something like 67 commandments, most Christians dont know them let alone follow them. you need to look in you heart and see whats best for your family. god is a god of love and understanding, you can stop having your father in your life with out being hurtful or vengeful about it. you can be very loving towards your mother because she will know in her heart the truth of it herself.
you need to stand up for your childrens right to have a happy childhood and for you to be able to enjoy social events without your abusive father there to spoil it for you.

stealthsquiggle Fri 01-Jul-11 09:01:13

I would echo what Jooly said - just think about what a Grandfather should be, how far removed from that he is, and then consider whether your DC would be better off with no grandfather in their lives than with this man.

toddlerama Fri 01-Jul-11 09:01:30

"Honour you father and mother" simply means recognise what they are to you. You don't deny him as your father by restricting his ability to hurt your children. We're christians too and have been through a similar scenario with DHs father and stepmother. That piece of advice was the most liberating thing we have ever heard! As it turns out, they choose not to see us at all rather than have any limits imposed on their behaviour. Their choice. Not out fault. The bible says be at peace with all men so far as you are able. It recognises that this will not always be possible!

leatherlover Fri 01-Jul-11 10:33:04

How can parents/grandparents behave like this..? Very sad. You wouldn't let anyone else treat you or your kids like this -just because they are family they shouldn't be allowed to get away with it. I would warn them that they are dangerously close to destroying your relationship forever and if they don't treat you with more respect then you will be forced to sever all ties with them. If you can't say it face to face then write them a letter if you haven't before. With a strong ultimatum they might be forced to think about their actions or they might chuck a massive strop and stop speaking to you. Their loss from what I can make out. By the way what does your brother have to say about it all?

childfreeatm Fri 01-Jul-11 10:42:21

Tell them to screw off! We had no contact with our grannies etc growing up because they were nasty awful bullies like your dad, and I've grown up fine! You don't have to put up with it, and other posters are right, your duty is to your children, your mum will get over it.

Tchootnika Fri 01-Jul-11 11:19:48

Much better for you and children to be away from your father. He's irrational, bullying and terrifying - not contributing to you and DCs' wellbeing.
You sound strong and focussed in deciding to make this decision, so good on you!

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