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to not want XH to have my girls overnight?

(11 Posts)
macdoodle Thu 30-Jun-11 23:29:04

Ugh XH again messes with my head so I cant actually see the wood for the trees.
DD1 is 9 (almost 10), DD2 is 3 and half.
XH and I have been seperated since DD2 was born.
He is a abusive, aggressive drinker. But and I say it grudgingly he is a better father than he was a husband. Not brilliant but ok (just). He doesnt pay any maintenance (yes I know not relevant but still).
He works away and was away for over 9 months of last year.
When he is home (ie less than 3 months of last year), he sees them for 7 hours every other sunday, and picks them up from school 3 afternoons a week ( max 2 hours).
He has never had DD2 overnight, never done bathtime, bedtime etc. He hasnt had DD1 overnight since DD2 was about 1.

He tells DD1 that he has ordered bunk beds so they can sleep overnight at his.
Have tried to talk to him a few times civilly about this with no luck.
Am not comfortable about it. He is a heavy drinker, and when he has drunk he is impatient, aggressive and when asleep difficult to rouse.
DD2 is a mummy's girl and a bad sleeper, hard to get off, restless and often ends up in bed with me.
He won't even talk to me about it, AIBU to not want them to stay over? sad

winnybella Thu 30-Jun-11 23:34:35

If he's a heavy drinker- YANBU. Pity, because otherwise it would be nice for your DDs to have more contact (if as you say he's an ok father).

Fontsnob Thu 30-Jun-11 23:34:58

Do you know that he will drink when he has them?

worraliberty Thu 30-Jun-11 23:35:26

What's changed since he had DD1 overnight?

Does he drink more now? Is he more impatient?

To be honest (and I many get flamed for this) if you trust him 3 afternoons a week and every other Sunday, I'm not sure why overnight would be a problem really...though I can totally understand you being anxious.

I would have a gentle word about the alcohol...considering many parents drink alcohol at night...you only have to read MN to see that, but be careful not to come across as too 'preachy'. Also, avoid using phrases like 'my girls'...really you should be saying 'our girls' as that's what they are.

I'd make sure DD1 has a phone and credit too.

ivykaty44 Thu 30-Jun-11 23:37:49

Why do they need to stay overnight? He has regular contact with the dc when he is in the country and if it is going to be a danger for them to stay overnight with him drinking to much and possibly causing the dc to feel uncomfortable then better to stick to the arrnagments they already have

macdoodle Thu 30-Jun-11 23:41:05

He has always been a heavy drinker. He only had DD1 a handful of times and those against my better judgement.
When DD2 was 1, we decided he could have them both overnight. They were both packed and ready, when he rung and ordered me to bring them to his place (about a 10minute drive away). He was clearly quite drunk. I refused saying if he was too drunk to drive to collect them, he was too drunk to look after them. He never asked or suggested it again till now.
He will definitely drink, he doesnt believe he drinks to excess. But will easily drink a number of pints (3 or 4) in the pub and a bottle of wine at home. Will fall asleep and be impossible to wake up, irritable and snappy if you can.
Its a lot of responsibility for my 9yr old to make sure DD2 is ok and call me if she's not.
He only has them usually when he hasnt started drinking yet.

macdoodle Thu 30-Jun-11 23:43:51

My issue other than the drinking is that he is completely unable to have a civil conversation with me. Which makes it difficult to communicate about our children.
Though TBH he has been so uninvolved in their upbringing, physically, emotionally, psychologically,financially, practically, that they really are MY girls.

worraliberty Thu 30-Jun-11 23:50:21

I'm just trying to look at it from a court's point of view..which is the worst case scenario I suppose.

Unless he has a documented alcohol problem, I think they'd say the kids should stay with him as long as they're happy to.

You do say he's an ok Father and again whilst I totally understand your concern, there are a lot of ok parents out there who do drink when their kids are in bed.

How does your eldest feel about it?

macdoodle Thu 30-Jun-11 23:54:41

Its ok, as said I cannot see the wood for the trees with my ex.
I think they would like to go, they adore him. Though the little one may change her mind when she realises mummy isnt there. No idea at all how he will deal with that, she can be a handful, makes me somewhat anxious.
DD1 adores him, but does know what he is like. We had a chat tonight, she said its my decision and she is fine either way. She doesnt like having to be responsible for DD2 though.
God knows I could use the break.

seeker Thu 30-Jun-11 23:55:55

A lot of parents do have a drink in the evening. But not, surely, 4 pints followed by a bottle of wine?

worraliberty Fri 01-Jul-11 00:02:23

Who knows seeker that's my point really. So many parents drink at home and we are not privvy to the amount if you see what I mean.

OP I do understand because I could have written a similar thing years ago with my ex and the kids who were roughly the same age (DS1 was 9 and DS2 was 2.5) It did worry me..them being away from home. I worried if my ex was drinking too much and if the youngest would cry for me.

All I could do was stay home on standby and make sure my eldest had a phone if he needed to contact me.

But deep deep down I knew they would be ok otherwise I would never have allowed overnight contact or even considered it.

As it turned out, the kids got fed up of overnight contact anyway and chose to see him in the day.

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