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To think that if you are a Christian, it's wrong to sleep with a man who's not divorced?

(44 Posts)
StableButDeluded Thu 30-Jun-11 19:55:22

The man in question is my husband. I wrote in relationships about this so I won't drag it all out again here, but basically, we separated in May at his request. It was a total shock to me and I've been really struggling to keep myself together for my DS. I have anxiety and depression problems, and my father was also dying at the time my husband left so it's been very hard.

Anyway, H informed me last week that he has 'met someone' already. Turns out he met her barely a week after he left home, and thy've been dating. That hit me really hard, I felt like I just couldn't take any more hurt and I became clinically depressed. DS has had to go and stay with H as I wasn't able to look after him properly. It's been awful. But then H started telling me what a lovely, kind person she is (I don't give a toss if she's mother Theresa at this point)...and then he says she's a Christian.

Am I totally missing something here? How can you be a Christian and think it's OK to sleep with someone who's not even divorced, someone who's barely out of the marital home?

I hate him for doing this to me, and telling me about her when he knew I was barely holding things together anyway. but this 'she's lovely, she's a Christian' just makes me hate the woman and I don't even know her.

Apparently H has told her the situation with my mental health issues, and that this is making it particularly hard for me to cope with him leaving. He told me she 'struggles' with what she's doing and prays over it, and that just makes me want to scream 'hypocrite!'

She wasn't doing much struggling when she asked him to go to a concert that involved an 'overnight stay' less than two weeks after he'd left me. H even had the cheek to expect me to look after DS so they could go! (it was a day that we have agreed DS will spend with H regularly).

I am supposed to be meeting this woman on the weekend-I don't want to, but H keeps bleating on about how much he wants her to meet DS and there's NO WAY I'm letting them meet until I've met her first. But all I can think about is this stupid Christian thing and I know I'll end up confronting her about it just to vent my anger. But I'm not very well up on modern Christian thinking, so for all I know it's perfectly fine to have a sexual relationship with someone who's only separated...?

So AIBU to think she's going against her religion? And AIBU to want to put her on the spot and ask her to explain how she can be a Christian and sleep with a married man knowing the hurt and pain she's putting another woman through?

Sorry, I know this has turned into a bit of a rant, but H also told me that she 'understands' what I'm going through because her partner left her when their son was also very young, and met someone very quickly.
Her 'understanding' just makes me want to poke her eyes out.

She 'understands' so well that she's willing to put me through what she went through when her partner left her. How is any of what she's doing in keeping with Christian thinking and behaviour?

.....and breathe....

bubblecoral Thu 30-Jun-11 20:04:13

So sorry you are going through this.

I don't know whether she's going against her religion or not, but it's irrelevant, and it's between her and her God anyway.

You are understandably angry with her, but YWBU to put her on the spot. All you need to know is that you trust your ex with your son and that she is going to be nice to him. That's all that really matters.

Your ex sounds like a twat by the way. He is completely misguided when he tells you these things about her.

You need to harness all the anger that you feel and force it into another direction. Use it as your driving force to change things in your life. Decorate the house or have a major clear out. Anger is a very powerful emotion, but used in the right way, it can be positive. I know it was for me when I split with my ex and we had two small children.

Do your best to put her out of your head. I know that's easier said than done though. Your ex has done more wrong than she has.

ChairOfTheBored Thu 30-Jun-11 20:05:05

I'm sorry this must be horrid for you.

You are quite right, Christian doctrine (for want of a better word) takes a very Dim View (capital D, capital V) of this kind of thing. Frankly anyone would.

I don't know what to say or suggest - I suspect there is nothing I could say that would make this any easier. I just didn't want to read and run and leave your post unanswered.

PumpkinBones Thu 30-Jun-11 20:07:23

The Christian thing is neither here nor there, the fact she's getting so involved with him so quickly is wrong anyway, in my opinion!

I know she is nothing to do with the OP and owes her nothing, but if I met a men who had a child, I would not expect him to cancel seeing his child to spend time with me, and I would not respect him or want to be with him if he did. Women who do so are fools.

spookshowangel Thu 30-Jun-11 20:07:41

technically she is committing adultery. he is married hence having sex with him whilst still married adultery. but since the bible also says no sex before marriage she cant be that die hard on its belief's. her personal beliefs dont have a whole heap to do with yours and your husbands break up and will only make you look petty. seems like you may need to get some counselling. dont let him force you in to meeting up with her if you dont want to. you need to get your self right and him coming along and telling him how happy and wonderful his life is is pretty shit and i would tell him to fuck off personally. fyi i am a Christian and i am still married but separated and sleeping with a man that is still married but separated.
if his soon to be ex wife asked me how i could justify it with my beliefs i would ask her if she was a Christian and if she wasnt i would tell her it was none of her business, because really her religious beliefs have nothing to do with it. would you be saying i cant believe she is a tory and having sex with a married man and they are suppose to believe in family values.

bubbleymummy Thu 30-Jun-11 20:25:36

Well 'thou shalt not commit adultery' is one of the 10 commandments (Old Testament) and then the New Testament says that even looking at another man's wife means you have committed adultery with her in your heart. (I'm pretty sure you can switch this round to husband too smile ) then there's the sex before marriage thing as well. Are you sure they're sleeping together? I know a few couples who did actually stick to the no sex before marriage thing even though they went away on holidays together. In any case, some people consider themselves Christian simply because they believe in Jesus so the rest may not be that important to her.

supergreenuk Thu 30-Jun-11 20:27:04

Yes that would be classed as adultery.

supergreenuk Thu 30-Jun-11 20:31:02

Appart from that Christians don't believe is sex before marriage.

swash Thu 30-Jun-11 20:33:30

I don't think you should dwell on her religious views - it's not helpful.

But I do think you should say you are not ready for your son to meet her yet.

Good luck OP, x

LRDTheFeministNutcase Thu 30-Jun-11 20:39:36

To be honest, I don't see why you are blaming her.

Your husband isn't being straight with you, is he? Or did he tell you he was moving out with a view to getting a divorce? It sounds as if he is the one at fault here!

It's possible he's told her the relationship is over, isn't it?

GreenEyesandHam Thu 30-Jun-11 20:45:21

I agree with what others have said, I think you should grit your teeth and leave the Christianity thing alone.

If you tried to 'pull her up about it' you would look bitter and it would just seem like a stick to beat her with. Be honest, you were always going to hate her. Understandably I might add.

Be cool and calm and dignified. And if you think its too soon for her to meet your son (I think I would) then say so, and stick to your guns

StableButDeluded Thu 30-Jun-11 20:46:31

Thank you all. I know I need to direct my anger in a more positive way, it's just all so raw at the moment. I suppose I resent him relling me what a great person she is and a christian, it just feels like he's rubbing my face in it all. I'm hurting, and I want to make her feel bad about what she's doing to me I suppose.
I respect what spookshowangel said about this woman not having to justify her behaviour to me because they are not my religious beliefs, but I don't think comparing it with asking a Tory is quite the same thing. As far as I'm aware Tories don't agree to abide by a set of religious commandments and to live their lives a certain way just because they believe in 'family values'.

TartyMcFarty Thu 30-Jun-11 20:49:47

How old is your DS? Why on earth would they want him to meet her at a time when things are clearly still very raw after your separation? I think you should refuse to allow that to happen.

MitchiestInge Thu 30-Jun-11 20:53:41

Do most Christians even recognise divorce?

reallytired Thu 30-Jun-11 20:53:57

I am sorry for the hell you have been through. Ofcourse adultery is against christian principles. Jesus was quite clear that marriage was for life.

"Now are they not twayne then, but one flesh. Let not man therfore put a sunder, yt which God hath coupled together. " Matthew 19:6.

What has happened is wrong on many levels. However I think you need to think about yourself and your family rather than the other woman.

reallytired Thu 30-Jun-11 20:57:14

Its wrong to sleep with a married man whatever your religion is.

spookshowangel Thu 30-Jun-11 21:00:50

your right op it was a bad comparison, it is hard to come up with some thing comparable because unless you are a die hard believer that follows every word of the bible as, excuse the pun, gospel. its mostly just down to you and your own relationship with god. but good luck and i hope it works out and you find the strength you need to be able to tell you ex to take his so called perfect life and shove it.

LRDTheFeministNutcase Thu 30-Jun-11 21:02:09

Christians recognize divorce. And many of them are fine with sex before marriage.

More importantly, call my suspicious, but surely the husband is the one at fault here - he clearly didn't prepare the OP for the fact he considered their marriage over. Who's to say he didn't lie to this womn too?

iMemoo Thu 30-Jun-11 21:03:21

Why not direct your anger towards your ex? Afterall he is the one who has betrayed you, she owes you nothing.

spookshowangel Thu 30-Jun-11 21:09:02

Moses created divorce because apparently humanity was to hard of heart.

saffy85 Thu 30-Jun-11 21:09:57

Sorry for all that you're going through it's tough when things are still so raw.

YANBU to want to poke this woman's eyes out- she's "struggling" and "prays over it?" Poor cow. Actually I have loads more sympathy for this good christian woman than yourself hmm

Is your ex shagging her though? If so she can't be that great a christian- sex outside of marriage is frowned upon isn't it? Slightly different but my DP's batty aunt descirbes herself as a christian and attends church every sunday yet shopiifts regularly. Some people's hypocrisy astounds me...

LaurieFairyCake Thu 30-Jun-11 21:10:04

The majority of Christians (ordinary ones, not American right-wingers or hard-line Catholics) don't believe in sex before love (not marriage, marriage is a state thing). And they believe in fidelity - so fall in love, have sex and stay together.

My dh met me when I was married (my husband had cheated on me and left). We fell in love, had sex and waited for me to be divorced so I could marry him.

You were separated in his eyes, unfortunately it doesn't sound like it was in yours. sad . So sorry for you.

My advice is not to meet her, don't torture yourself. And of course you can't stop your ex introducing her to his and your son.

spookshowangel Thu 30-Jun-11 21:10:19

and jesus allowed divorce for the purposes of unfaithfulness.

spookshowangel Thu 30-Jun-11 21:10:40

sorry op totally going off topic.

AMumInScotland Thu 30-Jun-11 21:11:18

FWIW Christians vary a great deal in what they believe, about sexual relationships as well as everything else. But they are all meant to believe in "love your neighbour as yourself" which ought to make them think twice before doing things which cause hurt to others.

I would guess if she is a basically decent person that she probably believes your marriage was over earlier than when it happened from your point of view. It's not exactly unusual for men to tell women that the marriage had effectively been over long ago, that they were "just friends" or "like brother and sister", and that the separation was just a technicality when the marriage had stopped long before. So she may not understand that he split from you and took up with her within a week.

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