Need help what can i do

[jazy1979]

Me and my elderly neighbor fell out over 4 years ago because we applied for planning permission for a extension. The neighbors set up a petition to stop us from been granted the planning permission and even involved our local MP. We where granted planning permission then the problems began the neighbor phoned the police because we got the planning permission then we had a fire in a fire burner and she rang the fire brigade twice, and continuously called the police on anything we done eg parking the car on a public road.
now the neighbor has rung the police on my 4 and 8 year old stating they intimidate her, However they are not totally innocent they did shot some plastic into her garden and the football goes over .
Yes my 4 year old was in the wrong for shotting plastic into her garden and was disciplined for this and i have stopped them from playing football in our garden to keep the peace.
So the police came saying my 4 and 8 year old where abusive to her (they asked for their ball back in which she said they had to wait for it, hey they kicked it over so there loss). Then she said my 4 year old climbs on our fence and intimidates her (he is not allowed to climb on the fence and is told when he does so).
So then again 2 days later police come knocking again this time she complained about all the previous complaints which had already been dealt with which the children had been told about their behavior, and this time a shoe the boys where playing flip the shoe of your foot and one went over her garden and this resulted in another telling off by the police.
they told me if it continues they will get the harassment unit onto us and they where going to complain to our landlord (i feel judged) we own our home.
What can i do the police have already made their minds up before they get to my home that we are in the wrong and totally bad neighbors.

[Mare11bp]

How did they shoot plastic into the garden? Bit confused.com.

[jazy1979]

they were playing catch

[Fifis25StottieCakes]

I had a neighbour a bit like this a 2 years ago. She used to complain about my then 6 and 4 year old riding their bikes in the street. She used to tell them to get back in their garden. If they dared to come out she would stand with her hands on her hips. Once she went mental because they made a daisy chain with the daisys from a small field. My kids were terrified of her. After a full summer of them not being able to play in the cul de sac i rang the council who started an anti social file on her. Luckily i got an exchange but she made my life very uncomfortable for a while.

[Salmotrutta]

Well, it does sound like a few items are ending up in her garden?
Is she elderly? Because elderly people often get upset by change and disruption so maybe she is getting annoyed about her garden being "invaded" IYSWIM?.
Is she a keen gardener? It's upsetting to older people who have always taken a pride in their garden to have footballs, shoes and "plastic" being flung over into their flower beds etc.
Could it be that your DC are more disruptive than you realise?

[RabidRabbit]

Tbh I think she is the one who needs the harassment unit out to her, what a waste of police time, honestly. Getting them out because a kid kicked the ball into her garden?

I'd be very tempted to make a complaint to the police, telling them that if they insist on coming out to you so often and threatening you with harassment units - that they also need to have a word with her about not being such a fucking drain on resources.

Also obviously have a serious word with the DC, tell them not to play so close to the dividing wall and to be extra careful with games that involve anything flying through the air as the police are getting rightfully pissed - obviously put into child friendly terms.

[Salmotrutta]

P.S. - I'm not saying she should be calling the police by the way but we only have your side and from personal experience of elderly relatives (who had lived in their house for decades) being bombarded with noise and disruption from new neighbours it can get a bit tricky.

[Mare11bp]

All the police can do is issue a harassment warning or make an arrest. In terms of formal action, that's all they can do. As your children are under 10 and the perceived cause of the problem the police cannot subject either of them to this! Therefore the police pressure is merely that, there is certainly no teeth to it as it were.
I am surprised at the heavy handed approach here, thought the police would have bigger fish to fry. Are you able to talk with your neighbour on a one to one, to see if you can reach agreement to prevent future problems? She may feel better after sounding off for a it and may calm down.
Sounds like she has some genuine concerns but is also getting upset over silly things. If you can work things out between you and give her a soundboard she might be more reasonable in future.

[jazy1979]

my children are not innocent in all of this and i do not pretend that they are. i do not want things to got into her garden but things happen

[jazy1979]

She will not speak to me because of the extension i even tried mediation but she didnt want to do that

[Mare11bp]

Gosh how awful. If it goes on get a solicitor to write a letter on your behalf threatening her with a civil injunction for harassment. Most solicitors willmdo this for a small fee. Seems harsh but needs nipping in the bud and why should your children not play in the garden.

[jazy1979]

but what annoys me of elderly people is they forget about when they where children? just because their tolerance to children has gone should this affect the children who live around them?is it fair to have children fearful to play in their own garden because of what the neighbor will do? Is it fair that they are told off because by accident they kicked the ball over (not that i agree they shouldnt let the ball go over) but should they be told of for it?

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Speak to the police and see if they can arrange mediation with you and your neighbour to sort things out as a number of things could be happening here and it would be good to discuss it together and get an impartial view on it so it can be sorted or passed on to the relevant authorities.

Possibilities include:
Your kids are picking on her a bit and being unreasonable.
She is just being a complete witch and is being totally unreasonable.
She had a disagreement with you and now has blown things up so much in her own head that she views any normal child like behaviour by your DC's as premeditated intention to cause her harm.

[RabidRabbit]

Is there any chance of making the dividing wall/fence any higher by adding some trellis? Maybe ask her if she could split the cost if it'll help to cut down the occurrence of the ball flying over?

The police round here would be furious at getting called out for such small matters - in fact if she was a bit younger, I'm sure she'd get a good slap on the wrist by them.

[jazy1979]

I broke down to the policeman asking him what should i do?
The old lady has a mobility problem (age) they make sure they shot it in when they are telling us off. My 4 year old has learning difficulties and behavior problems (NOT ADHD? he had meningitis at 6 weeks old which left him with front lobal brain damage) this has affected his ability to understand and his rationale is impaired. I am seeking help with him but all this police lark makes it harder for me to use my techniques as i become stressed and worried at what the neighbors will say

[jazy1979]

We have discussed putting netting up so it stops the ball going over and me and my partner are in talks about this

[HelloKlitty]

I want to know how "things happen"? I have 2 DDs aged 6 and 3 who live in the garden...play ball and all of those things but in 4 years we've never had anything go over the fence...nor any complaints and both our neighbors have no children.

I think you need to get a tighter reign on the kids.

Why don't you raise the fence or add trellis so the balls can't go over so easy?

I dont think its anythig to do with people forgetting what bing a kid is like...they don't CARE what being a kid is like...and why should they? They want to sit in their garden without shoes, plastic and balls flying over...or in fact children popping up their heads and being cheeky.

[HelloKlitty]

Talk about drip feeding! It's best to mention things like your son having learning dfficulties right away when posting in AIBU!

[jazy1979]

Why? Is it not my choice if and when i mention my sons disability's and if i feel it necessary to mention it.

[jazy1979]

kitty drip feeding is
Administration of blood, plasma, saline, or sugar solutions, usually intravenously, a drop at a time.

[pineapple70]

Oops I was right with you until that last sarcastic comment. Now I fear it is you that has the attitude problem!

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

[mumblechum1]

It does seem that both of you are being a bit unreasonable. It does sound as though the neighbour has it in for you, but equally you do need to stop your children from interfering with her right to quiet enjoyment of her property.

You say that your dc isnt allowed to climb the fence, but then say that he's told off when he does so.

Footballs in the garden are a big problem for my dh - the garden is his pride and joy now that ds is well past the playing out in the garden stage, so when the children next door accidentally kick the ball into his flowerbeds, of course he gives it back but gets annoyed because q often they'll have wrecked a mature and/or rare plant that will cost £20 or £30 to replace.

Netting or a trellis sounds like a good idea.

[Butterbur]

Why are you insisting on building an extension that they are so opposed to? I assume that it is to the detriment of their property? How can you expect them to feel tolerance and goodwill to your children when you are riding roughshod over their wishes. The fact that you have got planning consent is neither here nor there.

[bubblecoral]

I'd be with you on this, there is a reason why planning permission is granted or refused, and your extension can't be that bad if she had MP's and a petition involved and it still got granted. Some old people are just grumpy and don't like any little change in their lives. Just because they are elderly does not mean the world should revolve around them. What about the OP's wishes to create more space for her family. It's her property!

I would take the advice already given about going to a solicitor and getting them to write a letter for harrasment, or phone the police and make your own complaint.

We have neighbours very close on either side, children on one, another young family on the other. Balls do go over sometimes, although I'm not sure about plastic and shoes. But even so, it's hardly the end of the world or something worth calling the police over ffs!

It sounds like you are telling your children to be as careful as they can be, but they have a right to play in their own garden.

I think this woman sounds horrible, but she probably has lots of her own worries and fears and is just projecting them onto you because you are an easy target. I understand, but she doesn't have the right to make your life hard because she is old and elderly people often have very small worlds.

[HelloKlitty]

Well OP....people would have more understanding of your situation if they knew that one child was dealing with SN....as it is, you simply listed a lot of naughty behaviour...so it looked like you weren't controlling them.

And on here, drip feeding is witholding information pertinent to your OP.