I posted last night ion the relatonships forum and the lovley ladies there gave me some great advice. link
But I just needed a few more opinions on specifically the use of AD in an adbusive realtionship.
DH is suffering from disassociatve amnesia, this means virtaully no short term memory, but also apathy, lack of empathy and mood swings. But he can also be ( and is most of the time, so long as I keep him "sweet"") a lovley man.
He is really nasty only to me and I have just had enough.
My options are ( and I am VERY open to other suggestions)
a) He leaves ( though he is unable to live on his own so I just don't know how that will work)
b) I leave with the DC ( same issues as above but the 5 of us are in a caravan)
c) I go on AD so I don't care about his behaviour
d) I get counselling so I can "deal" with it all.
On the other thread the message , loud and clear, was that abusive behaviour is NOT excused by illness, do you agree, or am I just being a cold heartless b**h. I have his mother on the phone crying at me telling me that I
"have to be strong" and that
"He thinks you have thrown him out"
( he is staying with her ATM bujt she is elderly so not a long term solution)
I am sat here lookign at a packet of AD's thinking to start them ot not. Part of me thinks yes, at least the might help and then I think but I am experiencing a NORMAL reaction to a horribel situation, I don't need drugs to provide an emotional suit of armour I need the abuse to stop .
AIBU?
AIBU to go on AD becasue of my DH's behaviour ??
kitty4paws · 29/06/2011 22:12
You're right, you're reacting perfectly normally to a horrible situation. ADs won't change the situation and they won't make you not notice or care about it. Anyway, you're not clinically depressed!
The way your DH is treating you must be affecting your DCs too, even if he's picking on you and not them.
It sounds as if your DH needs more/better/different medical treatment. That's the issue that needs to be addressed.
How much RL help and support are you getting? I know your sister made things even worse than they already were. Is his mother always this "helpful"? 
It sounds as if you're having to handle all this on your own and you've done brilliantly, but having to put up with abuse from the person you're taking care of must feel like the last straw.
He is really nasty only to me and I have just had enough.
That in itself is a good enough reason to leave. He is abusing you through choice, not illness. If he genuinely couldn't help himself he would be nasty to lots of other people as well. I'm so sorry. 
Even if his behaviour was genuinely unintentioned, that doesn't mean you have to live with it if it having a disproportionately bad effect on yourself. If he had developed a rare form of violent schizophrenia no one would expect you to put yourself and DC in harms way out a well-intentioned but misguided loyalty to the vows of "in sickness and in health". There's being loyal and supportive and one-in-a-million and then there's masochistic.
Personally, I think you should leave. It's already affecting your own mental health and your DC need at least one parent who is firing on all cylinders and able to put their needs first. I've no doubt you are doing an amazing job at supporting everyone (except yourself) at the moment, but you will not be able to carry on doing this indefinitely without losing an essential part of yourself that you may never get back.
I have no doubt because you are a caring person that you will worry about your DH, but you don't have to withdraw your support ompletely, you just have to stop being responsible for it. Despite his illness he is still a functioning adult with a wider support network (including his mum and his doctor) and he is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to yourself and DC.
Hope you manage to find a resolution.
sunshineandbooks : ALl Iget from the HCP when I say " but he CHOOSES to be nasty to me" is in effect
" They allways hurt the ones they love"
"He trusts that you won't abandon him"
" WOmen get the brunt of behaviour like this"
Well yeees thats the facts but does it make it ok??
hie mother went through similar with his father and I think she expects that I will do the same , but we are not the same , and I don't fell that I DO have to deal with it in the same way she did.
BTW he is NOT a functioning adult , he coudl not live on his own, thats psrt of the whole mess [sigh]
I chose to take antidepressants in order to help me cope with ExP when I was letting him live in my house whilst he completed some training for a job.
They did help, but I still couldn't tolerate the situation long term, so I still kicked him out due to the mental abuse. They helped me cope on a day to day basis. I used to just pop pills, smoke and drink coffee
Is your dh receiving any psychiatric help? Is he taking any medication or therapy?
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hiddenhome: They don't know what has caused it possibly an extream reaction to stress/ underlyign depression , it is quite rare ( Yah! [sarcastic emoticom])
but ( rather ironically) his lack of memory is now causing him stress, and they say motehr nature is clever ???
hideenhome : I can cope with the meomry loss, I realy can , I have become so patient , just repeating the same htign again and again , 99% of the time its just water off a ducks back. ( though I do "loose it" occasionally) the memory is to me the "physcial" part of the illness in the same way as someone with MS needs help getting out of bed, DH needs help knowing what day it is etc, all very, very "dooable" ..
buuuut the emotional stuff just does me in , it really does, on top of everthign I do, all we as a fmaily have lost all that I have the one person in the world that I should be able to go to in my time of need, that one person is the one who hates me, despises me, abuses me
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