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AIBU to go on AD becasue of my DH's behaviour ??

(46 Posts)
kitty4paws Wed 29-Jun-11 22:12:57

I posted last night ion the relatonships forum and the lovley ladies there gave me some great advice. link

But I just needed a few more opinions on specifically the use of AD in an adbusive realtionship.

DH is suffering from disassociatve amnesia, this means virtaully no short term memory, but also apathy, lack of empathy and mood swings. But he can also be ( and is most of the time, so long as I keep him "sweet"") a lovley man.

He is really nasty only to me and I have just had enough.

My options are ( and I am VERY open to other suggestions)

a) He leaves ( though he is unable to live on his own so I just don't know how that will work)

b) I leave with the DC ( same issues as above but the 5 of us are in a caravan)

c) I go on AD so I don't care about his behaviour

d) I get counselling so I can "deal" with it all.

On the other thread the message , loud and clear, was that abusive behaviour is NOT excused by illness, do you agree, or am I just being a cold heartless b****h. I have his mother on the phone crying at me telling me that I
"have to be strong" and that
"He thinks you have thrown him out"
( he is staying with her ATM bujt she is elderly so not a long term solution)

I am sat here lookign at a packet of AD's thinking to start them ot not. Part of me thinks yes, at least the might help and then I think but I am experiencing a NORMAL reaction to a horribel situation, I don't need drugs to provide an emotional suit of armour I need the abuse to stop .

ilovesooty Wed 29-Jun-11 22:15:50

I think I'd be inclined to think that you've correctly identified normal reaction to a shitty situation and ADs would perhaps mask that.

I'd go with counselling, but only if you feel ready for it.

Hope things get better for you.

AuntiePickleBottom Wed 29-Jun-11 22:16:02

go to the doctors, he may give you a number for a support group.

either that or get your dh to the doctors to start/ adjust his meds

A1980 Wed 29-Jun-11 22:16:42

I assume you mean anti depressants?

YANBU to have had enough but I don't think AD's will make to stop caring completely.

kitty4paws Wed 29-Jun-11 22:19:04

thanks for such qucik replies.

I know AD won't stop me caring in total, but I have never taken them before so I just don't know what effect they can have.

I has hoped a bit like g&A when in labour , then pain is still there but the "teeth" have been taken away IYKWIM

ilovesooty Wed 29-Jun-11 22:20:25

Oh, and I know this is hard, but it's a decision for you, not for his mother.

quiddity Wed 29-Jun-11 22:20:33

You're right, you're reacting perfectly normally to a horrible situation. ADs won't change the situation and they won't make you not notice or care about it. Anyway, you're not clinically depressed!
The way your DH is treating you must be affecting your DCs too, even if he's picking on you and not them.
It sounds as if your DH needs more/better/different medical treatment. That's the issue that needs to be addressed.
How much RL help and support are you getting? I know your sister made things even worse than they already were. Is his mother always this "helpful"? hmm It sounds as if you're having to handle all this on your own and you've done brilliantly, but having to put up with abuse from the person you're taking care of must feel like the last straw.

Onemorning Wed 29-Jun-11 22:21:20

If you are (unsurprisingly) depressed by what's going on, AD's may actually help you to find the strength to make the right decision for you and your DCs.

It's not going to make you stop caring, sadly.

bubblecoral Wed 29-Jun-11 22:22:47

Anti depressants are not the way forward if you are having a normal reaction to something horrible in your life. They won't fix anything, they will possibly help you muddle through for a bit longer, but at what cost? And the problem would just compound itself and it will come back to haunt you later. You can't then just keep upping your dose of AD's. You need a solution to the problem.

Counselling may be an option, but when you are thinking clearer, you would probably want to leave him anyway.

Is there any way his behaviour could change? Can his meds be changed and is there any help for him so that there may be light at the end of the tunnel?

If not, I would be thinking about of you still want to be married to him

ilovesooty Wed 29-Jun-11 22:22:57

If you;ve not taken them before I don't think it's a good idea to start now. The situation will still be there but you might not have such a clear grasp of it. I'd go back yo your GP and explain that you'd like to explore other options.

kitty4paws Wed 29-Jun-11 22:24:31

Quiddity : you have hit the nail on the head !

AEverythign I do ATM is FOR DH, andall I get from him is negativity, name calling, swearing etc
"Useless wife"
"what about in sickness and in health?"
"you are the one who is sick not me" etc etc

Has anyone out here been on AD was it good idea , might it just "tide me over" untill his illness is more in control ??
I don't knwo what to do I just don't

EVery option I look at either hurts him, or hurts me

sunshineandbooks Wed 29-Jun-11 22:26:42

He is really nasty only to me and I have just had enough.

That in itself is a good enough reason to leave. He is abusing you through choice, not illness. If he genuinely couldn't help himself he would be nasty to lots of other people as well. I'm so sorry. sad

Even if his behaviour was genuinely unintentioned, that doesn't mean you have to live with it if it having a disproportionately bad effect on yourself. If he had developed a rare form of violent schizophrenia no one would expect you to put yourself and DC in harms way out a well-intentioned but misguided loyalty to the vows of "in sickness and in health". There's being loyal and supportive and one-in-a-million and then there's masochistic.

Personally, I think you should leave. It's already affecting your own mental health and your DC need at least one parent who is firing on all cylinders and able to put their needs first. I've no doubt you are doing an amazing job at supporting everyone (except yourself) at the moment, but you will not be able to carry on doing this indefinitely without losing an essential part of yourself that you may never get back.

I have no doubt because you are a caring person that you will worry about your DH, but you don't have to withdraw your support ompletely, you just have to stop being responsible for it. Despite his illness he is still a functioning adult with a wider support network (including his mum and his doctor) and he is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to yourself and DC.

Hope you manage to find a resolution.

kitty4paws Wed 29-Jun-11 22:29:08

ilove sooty , bubble coral

thats what I am worried about, AD won't make HIM any different and then am I "trapped" on Ad ( BTW I am not anti AD in any way I know that the can be life tranforming for many people but they need to be used in the RIGHT way)

I just want our life back , he was such a lovely, lovely man before all this and still is , unitll he goes "off on one" as it were.

SOem days its like living with two different people, only I never know which one ig goign to walkthrough the door. asn as its only with ME that he's like this his opinion "Its all YOUR fault" is true, I am just the WORST person he coudl have as a carer, and thats just being totally honest.

kitty4paws Wed 29-Jun-11 22:34:02

sunshineandbooks : ALl Iget from the HCP when I say " but he CHOOSES to be nasty to me" is in effect

" They allways hurt the ones they love"
"He trusts that you won't abandon him" hmm
" WOmen get the brunt of behaviour like this"

Well yeees thats the facts but does it make it ok??

hie mother went through similar with his father and I think she expects that I will do the same , but we are not the same , and I don't fell that I DO have to deal with it in the same way she did.

BTW he is NOT a functioning adult , he coudl not live on his own, thats psrt of the whole mess [sigh]

Is there any respite care you can get for him to get him out of the house and into a safe environment?

I know with one guy whose partner developed a MH problem in adulthood he was on the receiving end of her anger and frustration at having developed the condition. Eventually, it destroyed their relationship because people don't want to remain an emotional punchbag for ever.

I think you need more practical support and I wonder if the AD's are a bit of a sop by the medical profession rather than dealing with your DH's behaviour.
I don't think you sound depressed; saddened, frustrated, annoyed, hurt maybe but these are all reasonable responses to the situation you are in.

The medical profession and possibly social services need to step up and offer more practical help.

bubblecoral Wed 29-Jun-11 22:37:36

No, I'm not having that! You are not the worst person he could have as a carer, perhaps he should try someone else out for a while so that you can care for yourself and your children.

Do you have anyone sticking up for you the way his Mum is sticking up for him? She is biased you know and you absolutely should not be influenced by her.

hiddenhome Wed 29-Jun-11 22:40:14

I chose to take antidepressants in order to help me cope with ExP when I was letting him live in my house whilst he completed some training for a job.

They did help, but I still couldn't tolerate the situation long term, so I still kicked him out due to the mental abuse. They helped me cope on a day to day basis. I used to just pop pills, smoke and drink coffee hmm

Is your dh receiving any psychiatric help? Is he taking any medication or therapy?

kitty4paws Wed 29-Jun-11 22:40:46

He does go away to his family ( they are 3 hours away) and his eldest sister has been brilliant, just brilliant. but it only a temporary measure and as soon as he is back it all starts again. Especailly as with the memory problem he can't even remember going away.

I think that the less he is here the more sensitive I become when he DOES come back a sort of catch 22 situation.

I do genuinly feel that I am the problem, I'b rubbish , just rubbish at this caring lark.

hiddenhome Wed 29-Jun-11 22:42:30

What has caused his illness? Is it due to a brain injury?

quiddity Wed 29-Jun-11 22:42:54

How long has he been on the ADs? If he's been on them long enough for them to work but they're not helping him, then they should be changed or increased.
I have been on ADs and the way they worked for me was to help me feel more able to change my situation. But in your case, the problem is your DH's behaviour, and your being on ADs won't change that.
I sounded rather flippant (sorry) when I said you're not depressed—that might well happen if the situation continues as it is, because feeling trapped and helpless is a very good way to end up depressed.
I think it's more realistic and useful to start thinking about getting yourself and your DCs away from him until there's some improvement.

kitty4paws Wed 29-Jun-11 22:45:12

I jumped up and dwon at his SW on tuesday , basically laid it all out so cat in hells chance in the NHS hopefully things wil start to get going now, I have been "asking " for months now I am SHOUTING!!!!!

"You are not the worst person he could have as a carer",

But he'd be good as gold for anyone else so HE would be calmer so anyone else caring for him would be better than me.

hiddenhome Wed 29-Jun-11 22:45:37

I honestly don't think anybody could blame you if you felt that you couldn't cope anymore.

My late dh was put onto a high dose of dexamethasone at one point and he completely lost the plot, saying he was going to throw himself out of an upstairs window etc. I coped okay with his physical problems, but the mental probs just wrecked me.

Have you talked to a professional about your situation?

bubblecoral Wed 29-Jun-11 22:45:42

But you are caring in the hardest possible circumstances. If your dh had a physical disability, it might change things but it wouldn't completel erode his personality. He would still be the same person you married, he would still be able to be a husband and you would still be able to be a wife.

Atm it sounds like you are trying to be his psychiatric Nurse, that is way above being a carer, and way way above being a wife.

You are not the problem, but you are the one having to deal with it, and it's ok to not be able to cope with that. Sometimes it's just too hard and something has to give. For your children's sake, and yours, you have to prevent the thing that gives being your mental health.

kitty4paws Wed 29-Jun-11 22:48:41

hiddenhome: They don't know what has caused it possibly an extream reaction to stress/ underlyign depression , it is quite rare ( Yah! [sarcastic emoticom])

but ( rather ironically) his lack of memory is now causing him stress, and they say motehr nature is clever ??? hmm

Him behaving better for others doesn't make you a bad carer it just means he is a bad "patient".

He may not be able to adjust to the change in your roles where you are now in charge in the home and he feels lost in a place that should be familiar.

You may have to tell his SW that if the abuse continues you will take him and dump him on the doorstep of the nearest hospital to ensure that he gets the care he needs and you get the support you need.

As long as you are sort of managing, then its not their problem.

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