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to need an apology for the way I have treated?

(27 Posts)
MadYoungCatLady Wed 29-Jun-11 18:47:30

Bit long, sorry, but if I don't get some perspective on this I'm going to go mad.
Thursday - me, DS(4) and DP go out for the day with my mum and some relatives. Having a bit of a bad day, DS being a bit hyper, we try to calm DS down. Ends up in my mum saying to me when DP goes to toilet that we are too controlling with DS (words to that effect anyway). I text my mum later saying I was hurt by the comment, thinking she would respond with something along the lines of "didn't mean to offend, just thought you could have done X instead of X" etc.
She instead calls me- DS is not being allowed to live his life, what we are doing is abuse. Stunned silence from my end.
I'm heartbroken, my mums opinion is sacred to me and I didn't realise she thought I was doing such a terrible job. Figure she will calm down, probably upset when DS started crying when we took him outside to calm down - I get upset when he cries too.
Text the next day - my dad has been very nasty to her, she's asked him to leave, she's not putting up with this etc (totally unrelated to the incident with me by the way). Eager to please her, I'm there for her to rant to, take her phone call. We manage to get on to the subject about what she said to me again (relief floods me, she's going to say the abuse comment was clearly out of order). I try to explain if we are harsh on DS its because of the way he has been behaving lately and we don't know what else to do but tell him to calm down and give him time outs. This is met with "he doesn't get enough attention from you" (based on the fact I had told her DP had tried to watch a tv programme whilst DS was entertaining himself) "you shouldn't have any tv on but DS's".
By yesterday, I thought she had got over it. We were talking like civilised adults again, DP still upset that she had not issued an apology. I sent a text this morning basically saying "Please respond to DP's text, he's really upset over what was said". I get back:
"If its a sorry he wants then no. I'm in no mood to make other people feel better when I'm feeling bad and I've got to get on with it."
I'm gutted. I don't want to talk to her again until she stops being so bloody stubborn, but I'm so desperate for her approval all the time I keep thinking maybe DP should just let it go and play happy families. Another part is so outraged I want to call social services and ask them if they think she is right. I'm not used to going against what she says.

AIBU to want her to say sorry for acusing us of abuse?

Portofino Wed 29-Jun-11 18:50:54

I would be wondering if she was OK. Sounds like she might be having problems herself that far outweigh your dp's hurt feelings.

Flisspaps Wed 29-Jun-11 18:53:07

So she has said that she thinks you're being abusive because DP wanted to watch something that wasn't a children's programme chosen by DS?

iwanttoseethezoo Wed 29-Jun-11 18:55:01

Personally, if you don't think you're being abusive (there is a list somewhere of what constitutes abuse - sexual, verbal, emotional etc), and all you're doing is setting some boundaries for your son, then I would leave her to stew a bit. You don't have to have her approval - it is her OPINION. she obviously has other things on her mind so I would cut off contact for a few days while you both calm down.

Oh, and I don't agree that you should only have kids' telly on when children are around (depending what the programme is, of course). But trying to watch an adult programme with a four-year-old around is pointless. My DD (4) nags the hell out of me if i even try to watch anything that I might enjoy!

gapants Wed 29-Jun-11 18:56:13

Sorry, but your dad has walked out/been asked to leave and you are texting her about an apology from a small incident that happened the other day there?

Sounds like you need to get your priorities in order. Also, as much as I love to text, when something is important, talking face to face or on the phone is imperative.

It hurts when people pass judgement on our parenting, talk to her about it.

bessie26 Wed 29-Jun-11 18:56:40

She's asked your dad to leave? Sounds like she might have some other things on her mind right now???

MadYoungCatLady Wed 29-Jun-11 18:57:02

The argument with my dad is something that happens on a regular basis I may add. Its generally the same - she will say hurtful things to my dad to the point he snaps as says some pretty hurtful things back. I guess because I'm so used to my dad being 'told off' it goes over my head and then I am shocked when he says something back to her. Dad being nice to her again now, and she is doing the same to him.
She really doesn't like my DP and resents the fact he is not my Ds's 'dad', although he has been the one bringing him up for half his life.

gapants Wed 29-Jun-11 18:59:22

You need to talk to her, there is obviously a lot more going on than you seeking an apology.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Wed 29-Jun-11 19:00:40

Support your mum during this difficult time for her. That's important.

However - you are not a child and you need to become an adult with your mother. Her opinion is sacred to you? You need to take a bit of a look at that. You do not live or die on your mum's approval.

You have a partner. You have a child. You are a fully functioning grown up. Yet you are tucking at your mama's apron.

You really need to stop that. You don't need her approval. You need to trust in yourself and you need to redefine your relationship with your mother. As two adults.

But first thing's first - put this to the back burner and just be there for both your parents - as their adult offspring - and support them during this split.

And don't take sides!!!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 29-Jun-11 19:03:50

You're the parent, MadYoungCatLady, your Mum's child rearing days are done. I understand that her opinion is important to you but you've got to stop seeking her approval and learn to let her views wash over you. You know you're not abusing your son, you're doing things differently to your Mum. It doesn't sound as if she's in a very good place at the moment so I'd leave it - let her know that you're there if she wants a coffee and a chat but that you don't want to talk about DS just now.

As hard as this is, she doesn't have to like your DP. She has to be civil, that's all. Don't try to build bridges, she doesn't like him and she isn't going to play ball with that. He needs to accept that and do his own thing without seeking your Mum's approval too.

Please stop trying to solicit an apology. Just because you think you're due one doesn't mean that she has to give it. What would be the point of having a 'sorry' that isn't heartfelt and meant anyway?

You know yourself that it would be daft to ring Social Services. They'd wonder what was wrong with you that you don't know where the boundaries are yourself... grow up a little bit, be confident in your own skin and in your abilities to do the best for your DS. smile

MadYoungCatLady Wed 29-Jun-11 19:17:32

I shall text and ask her what is troubling her - cant phone unfortunately as landline not working!

Sarsaparilllla Wed 29-Jun-11 19:25:44

Why can't you call from the mobile? confused

hugglymugly Wed 29-Jun-11 19:26:59

"If its a sorry he wants then no. I'm in no mood to make other people feel better when I'm feeling bad and I've got to get on with it."

Unless I've completely misread your posts, it sounds as though it's her attitude/behaviour that's the problem. She doesn't like your DP/criticises how your raise your child/shouts at her DH until he snaps. She doesn't seem a particularly nice person.

lizziemun Wed 29-Jun-11 19:35:43

I agree with hugglymugly.

MadYoungCatLady Wed 29-Jun-11 19:41:13

Funnily enough huggly my DP agrees with you also grin
Cant use mobile as I have £3.80 credit, am on income support as I suffer with bi polar and don't get money now til tues and resent giving mobile networks money that should be going on my DS
<growls menacingly at thieving network>

She didn't used to be like this - she was such a warm, kind person. My poor dad snapped because she had made him carry a double sofabed (thankfully my DP was there) when he has COPD and can literally not walk up the stairs without going blue and not being able to breathe. But the sofabed is sooo pretty and she wants it! Which as much as I hate to say it, is pretty typical behaviour sad

suzikettles Wed 29-Jun-11 19:46:19

I've never much seen the point of asking for apologies tbh. They have to be freely given to be worth anything.

If I were you then I'd drop it. YANBU to be annoyed about it - it sounds like your mum was massively overreacting, but it also sounds like she's got a bit of a short fuse and this was possibly just one more thing on top of a whole lot more.

How about letting it lie for a week or so, and if you still feel you need to, bringing it up again (how important her opinion is to you, how hurt you were about the "abusive" comment) when things have calmed down between her and your dad.

proudfoot Wed 29-Jun-11 19:49:38

She is U. She sounds like a cow... hard to have sympathy with someone who is being so unpleasant so I don't know why she expects you to support her with her problems after such a rude outburst from her.

I would cut her off.

holyShmoley Wed 29-Jun-11 19:54:49

foot stamping to get an apology is the hall mark of a moron: you either want your mother to lie or to tell her what to think. Well tough on both counts.

I also think double/triple time out is just a waste of time, and more often looks less 'setting boundaries' and more 'breaking his spirit'. So i'd be thinking she may just have a point. (but maybe she doesn't)

MadYoungCatLady Wed 29-Jun-11 20:02:27

I think my DP has decided he will be cutting her off proudfoot - and I can't say as I blame him.
Its not so much the act of saying sorry, but just to realise she has been really harsh over something very silly. She adores DS - and he adores her. Because she doesn't set any boundaries. She gives him her tablets to 'feed' her in the mornings. She lets him run around shops like a thing possessed. She laughs whenever I tell her he's done something unacceptable. Of course he's going to love being with her! But I cant let him be like that, and she cant see that not everyone conforms to her standard of parenting. Because I dont adhere to giving my DS everything he wants, I am abusive?

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 29-Jun-11 20:02:51

"my mums opinion is sacred to me"
Well, there's your problem.

Seriously, the woman you describe is not someone who's opinion I would consider worthwhile, let alone sacred. "The argument with my dad is something that happens on a regular basis I may add. Its generally the same - she will say hurtful things to my dad to the point he snaps as says some pretty hurtful things back."

If that is the environment you have grown up in, I think it may have cowed you quite a bit a little, to hold her in a certain amount of fear, which you are mistaking as awe. She is in the habit of being hurtful. It's unlikely that your dad is her only victim, she obviously targets you too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is - ignore her. What she says is purposely hurtful, rather than true. It would be on your interests to minimise contact, because if your dad isn't there to hurt, she's going to target you all the more.

MadYoungCatLady Wed 29-Jun-11 20:03:36

What is double/triple time out holy?

MadYoungCatLady Wed 29-Jun-11 20:11:46

I agree, foot stamping for an apology is pretty daft (wouldnt use the term moron, think that could be taken offensively). Glad I'm not foot stamping and just wanting my mum to see her comment was bloody hurtful!

knobbysEx Wed 29-Jun-11 20:41:33

I'd ignore the whole thing and let it blow over. Have a chat with health visitor about behaviour/punishment if you really are concerned about it, though I'm sure you'd know yourself if you were being abusive to your DEAR child. As you said, your mum's got a lot on her plate, perhaps didn't mean it really, but is now digging in and being stubborn. See if the whole thing doesn't blow over, and ask your partner not to carry it on. I hope you sort it out.

Ormirian Wed 29-Jun-11 20:44:33

I suspect her priorities are elsewhere atm. She sounds very distressed and confused.

AgentZigzag Wed 29-Jun-11 20:53:41

I think the fact she's not getting on with your dad is irrelevant.

That does not give her any entitlement to criticise you and your DPs parenting of your DS, in any way (unless you are actually abusive, which you're not), but especially in the way she has done it.

She obviously knows she means a lot to you and feels she can be shitty to you and you'll take it, almost like she's testing to see if you're still unconditionally loyal to her.

This is unacceptable, if she's struggling at the moment she should tell you and talk about it.

I can understand why you'd foot stamp for an apology, because you want her to acknowledge she's been unfair and crossed the GP line.

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