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To think that this is a shit excuse not to come to my mum's funeral?

(36 Posts)
toptramp Wed 29-Jun-11 18:20:49

My poor dad. Seems like noone on his side of the family are coming to support him at his wife's funeral (my mum) next Tuesday.
His auntie who I always quite liked wrote him a card saying her and her husband can't come because she is the president of the local patchwork society and that day is their last session before the new term and she has to give them the syllabus for the nest term.

So move it to another day you dense cow. Or at least get your husband to come.This is a shit excuse isn't it? I am so sad and angry

Also his brother and his wife can't come because they are holiday in Suffolk. OK it's a 3 hour drive but so what? It's his brother and he should make the effort.

AIBU to cut that lot off for this reason?

Empusa Wed 29-Jun-11 18:24:09

That's awful sad Your poor dad, and poor you. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this crap.

I haven't spoken to 3 of my cousins since they refused to go to our nan's funeral (all because their dad's new wife was there).

iwanttoseethezoo Wed 29-Jun-11 18:24:37

those are pretty lame reasons, I agree. why can't she put the syllabus in the post to the members? or give it to someone else to pass on? i'm sure the members wouldn't mind given it's a funeral.

Also a 3hr drive from suffolk isn't that much for your brother (is your uncle totally able-bodied? if not it might be a bit much).

i would be annoyed too, but wouldn't cut them off so hastily. They will probably regret not coming.

AgentZigzag Wed 29-Jun-11 18:24:40

I'm so sorry for your loss toptramp.

Those excuses are extraordinarily lame, could there be anything behind them not coming?

Although that still wouldn't excuse the lack of support of care for you and your Dad.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Wed 29-Jun-11 18:25:09

I'm sorry about your mum.

My god. That's cold of them.

Why are they behaving this way? Do you have any idea? Any previous tensions or problems?

In your shoes I'd be phoning them and telling them off. "This is my mother's funeral. What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Patchwork society? hmm ffs. might as well have just come right out and said "I don't care."

How hurtful for you and your dad.

MadYoungCatLady Wed 29-Jun-11 18:25:13

shock
don't know how you would be able to forgive these people. patchwork? a holiday in suffolk? these things are more important than a family funeral?
YANBU!

AgentZigzag Wed 29-Jun-11 18:25:13

'Of support and care'

SinicalSal Wed 29-Jun-11 18:28:16

FFS, to me that's unforgiveable. Or would take a long time to forgive. I would tell them so, despite being fairly laissez faire and non confrontational about things.

Patchwork hmm

YANBU.

Sharney Wed 29-Jun-11 18:30:09

YANBU To not go to the funeral of a family member you'd have to be very, very ill or on the other side of the world.

Families! Unbelievable. I don't think it's BU to cut them off but them I'm a cow so.....? Definitely make it clear you're pissed and definitely cut back on unnecessary contact.

So sorry for you and your dad on the loss of your mum.

toptramp Wed 29-Jun-11 18:32:46

I think I am going to write a card and tell them off an dtell them not to bother sending me any more birthday cards or money etc.

HerHissyness Wed 29-Jun-11 18:35:28

no toptramp PHONE THEM! Put them RIGHT on the spot. Digraceful behaviour!

TidyDancer Wed 29-Jun-11 18:35:31

They are bloody crap reasons, and I am so sorry for both your loss, and the fact that your family are being such shitbags right now.

I wouldn't blame you in the slightest for writing that card to them.

AgentZigzag Wed 29-Jun-11 18:38:28

I agree phoning them would put them on the spot HH, but the OP shouldn't have to be piling any more on her plate than she has at the mo perhaps?

They must know they're being unreasonable, maybe you could see how it pans out toptramp and tackle them about it after the funeral?

It's possible they might see the error of their ways and make the effort to come?

squeakytoy Wed 29-Jun-11 18:41:37

sad Very selfish of them, I agree.

When my mum died, her only neice and nephew (both adults who drive)(and she was their only aunt and also their godmother) couldnt be arsed to show their faces, and I will never forgive them for that.

toptramp Wed 29-Jun-11 18:50:22

No obvious tensions. I think they were slightly disaproving because mum had bipolar but nonetheless; however they felt about mum they could support my dad. arseholes. Mum was a;ways very polite and tolerant of their snobbery.

emsyj Wed 29-Jun-11 18:51:50

YANBU. That is shit.

ddubsgirl Wed 29-Jun-11 18:51:54

sorry for you loss op and yes im with the others its awful of them,they should be there,i would make my feelings sure as hell known,my brother didnt bother comming to our aunts funeral just because my other brothers wife had upset him so rather than getting to say goodbye he just didnt turn up.

Sarsaparilllla Wed 29-Jun-11 19:18:46

I'm so very sorry for your loss sad

That's so awful of them, I'd never speak to them again, my mum has bipolar, it's an illness, not something for them to be disapproving of and in any case, it's irrelevant, they should support you and your dad right now

That's made me very angry, funerals can sadly bring out the true colours of people, I'd be tempted to tell them to fuck their patchwork & holidays up their arses, barsards sad

bittersweetvictory Wed 29-Jun-11 19:24:30

sorry for your loss, Dont write, phone them up and tell them what a bunch of selfish waste of space they are and lay a real guilt trip on them.

pinkyredrose Wed 29-Jun-11 19:33:13

Those are really awful excuses not to be there. I went to Italy for my grans funeral, it cost a bit as last min but the main reason was that I was there, it's not the kind of thing you can make up later. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wouldn't contact then until they contact you, it may be best to just get on with the things you need to get on with and not let them bother you. Hugs to you xx

toptramp Wed 29-Jun-11 19:38:13

I don't think I could talk to them. I might throw up. I will write to them. Idiots.

xstitch Wed 29-Jun-11 19:58:52

Sorry for your loss. YANBU hey are weak excuses.

I will confess to missing my Gran's funeral. I was 16 and had a school exam that day, have never really forgiven myself.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 29-Jun-11 20:17:10

There can be a variety of reasons why people don't 'do' funerals, and if they're getting on in years it could be that your auntie and your uncle can't face confronting their own mortality, or their respective dh/dw's have a problem.

However, as they wrote to your dad it really isn't your place to take them to task or get involved in any way unless your pa specifically asks you to.

It's a sad fact that births, deaths, and marriages can cause deep rifts in even formerly close family relationships, and if you exacerbate the situation it's possible that you will alienate these particular relatives to a point where they won't wish to attend any future family events or keep in touch.

How does your dad feel about their non-attendance? If he's not particularly close to his brother and his aunt it's unlikely he'll derive much comfort or support from them, and he may not be too upset or surprised by their non-attendance.

Your immediate concern should be supporting your dad through this very difficult time, but if you must meddle do it by phone calls rather than letter, and lay a massive guilt trip on them.

Keep your voice sweet and reasonable with a slightly sad tone (practise in advance), and do not give in to any temptation to sound sarcastic, become angry or say how you really feel something harsh, Say that your dad is obviously devasted by his loss, and was so looking forward to having their arms around him at this difficult time as were you.

Conjure up some happy memories of them and your mum; say how much she admired/respected them, enjoyed their company, often said...(stretch the truth), and how much they'll be missed next Tuesday. Ask them to think of your dear mum and their brother/nephew hat the relevant time.

In other words, keep faith with your mum and your dad by taking the moral high ground and let these twats come to terms with their disrespect to your mum and disloyalty to your dad. .

Personally, I'd be as angry as you at their lack of respect but it would give me more satisfaction to make them squirm whenever I communicated with them, and keep taking their gifts, than to cut all ties with them - I'd quietly look foward to attending their funerals or sending my apologies if it coincided with a holiday not too many away/interfered with my sewing club/hairwashing/pub quiz etc.

I am so very sorry for your loss; please go easy on yourself and don't feel that you have to settle scores at this particular moment in time; what goes around comes around, and all you have to do is wait, watch the wheel turn, and give it a little nudge now and again.

Wth deepest sympathy to your dad, and to yourself and your family.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 29-Jun-11 20:19:02

Apologies - there no 'h' in 'at'.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 29-Jun-11 20:20:12

Second faux pas 'not too many MILES away'.

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