to think this was rather shocking of my uncle's wife to say to her son?

[confuddledDOTcom]

Not a thread about a thread, just inspired by the other thread as it made me think and I didn't want to hijack.

My uncle remarried two years ago after my aunt died. His new wife - who I don't see as my aunt because I don't know her and I'm too old to use it politely, I don't have a problem with her - has three children, the youngest is a teen and the oldest is a parent herself. Her ex is still around, they still have regular contact with their dad.

We were at a family party recently and my uncle went over to where his wife was sitting and she said to one of her children "move up and let your dad sit down"! I was really shocked and my parents told me it wasn't an accident that's how they - uncle and his wife - refer to him! My uncle was married to someone else when the youngest became a teen so it's not like he's brought him up or this is a small child who doesn't know his dad.

My partner has other children and there's been times he's felt the new partner has said something he shouldn't but I think he'd be gutted if whilst he's still involved and an active part of their life if the new partner was being called dad.

[GypsyMoth]

each to their own...

[M0naLisa]

My stepbrother calls my dad 'dad' even though he was 15 when his mum my stepmum met my dad.

[worraliberty]

I'm sure the kids would pull him up on it if they weren't happy.

[shineynewthings]

YABU. It's not really any of your business how they choose to set up their family dynamics. You need to relax. Why does it bother you anyway?

[confuddledDOTcom]

Was your dad still around and an active part of your life, mona? If he was how did he take it?

I'd be gutted if I split up with OH and he called his new partner their mum. I wouldn't dream of it with his kids either.

[GypsyMoth]

he'll maybe be grandad one day too

why are you 'shocked'??

[Hullygully]

Isn't it nice that they feel the love? Better than resentment and feuding. Be happy for them. the more love in the family, the better, it doesn';t lessen the love for others.

[GypsyMoth]

your OH is not married to you,uncle and his wife are married.....he's legally a step parent

if your other half married someone else then she would be step mum.......the family arent going say 'move up for your step mum' are they??

[confuddledDOTcom]

It doesn't bother me I was shocked to hear it is all. I'm sure there's many things that shock when seen or heard but don't bother. Like I said the other thread made me think about it.

[GypsyMoth]

the 'step' bit will get dropped

[worraliberty]

Yeah "Move up for your Step Dad" does sound a bit odd

But it's nice to hear of a close family with step parents involved...as opposed to the usual bickering/arguing/jealousy.

[confuddledDOTcom]

My wedding day was Saturday but I've been in hospital a month and couldn't get out for it. Spent last week speaking to suppliers. Would it make a difference if it had gone ahead?

I've been in their lives since they were tiny they don't remember me not there.

[miniwedge]

like you said, you don't know her. So you don't know how her children feel, what the family dynamic is??

[worraliberty]

I think parents and step parents sometimes forget that the most important thing is not their own egos, but the children's feelings...and what terminology makes them happiest.

It's not a popularity contest...but sadly some parents/step parents tend to forget that.

[maddy68]

I call my step dad 'Dad' as well,
Step dad sounds horrible and draws attention to my disfunctional family :)
My Step Dad is like a Dad to me and I am happy to call him that otherwise I wouldnt.
Believe me, they would not call him Dad if they dodnt want to

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

How did the boy react? That's the key thing. If he gave a smile teenage shrug and moved up then fine. If he yelled "he's not my dad" and stormed out then you've got a point

[DharmaBumpkin]

My step daughter calls me Mummy... By her own choice. She was never under any pressure to do so. FWIW, she is seven and still in contact with her bio Mum... also called Mummy!!

[friendcat]

My son calls his stepmum 'Mum' when they're out and about. It makes me (and a bit ) but its his choice.

[TrinIsASadSpottyFatRhino]

I would hear it and feel a little bit odd but the kids would say something if they didn't like it

my girls have decided that dp is thier step dad and wanted to buy things for him for fathers day and wrote step on the cards


but I'm reckoning they will drop the step bit soon

its nothing to do with them forgetting their dad its about showing dp how much they love him

[kaluki]

DP's children call their Mum's new partner Dad.
It breaks his heart - but when he asked her why, she said it was their choice to call him that .
His dd slipped up and called me Mummy the other day and I corrected her, I'm not her Mum and I wouldn't want to confuse her or my own dc.
My stepdad is the closest thing to a dad I have and I can't call him Dad, although my dc call him "Grandad"

[worraliberty]

Kaluki your post was very much about the adults. I happen to think kids are more important in these sort of situations.

Having said that, I can understand a parent being a bit put out to hear their kids calling someone else 'Mum' or 'Dad' but it's best to remember it's not the kid's fault they have been put in that position in the first place.

[kaluki]

DP's children are 6 and 8.
Its not the dcs fault but I don't think their Mum should be encouraging them to call her new partner Dad. It's confusing for them. They have one mum and one dad and their respective partners should be called by their names.
Can you imagine how you would feel if your dc called someone else "Mummy". I couldn't bear it.

[worraliberty]

I would like to think I was grown up enough to not let it bother me. I'm very confident in the fact my kids love me very much...therefore using the word for someone else wouldn't change that.

I'm never entirely sure it does actually confuse children either...they tend to be fast learners and know who is who in the family tree after a while.

[JeremyVile]

Bit odd but who knows the dynamics between them all?

To be honest I would be more shocked if it were a younger child, I'd assume a teenager would have some say in these things or at least be able to say if it made them uncomfortable.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

Can you imagine how you would feel if your dc called someone else "Mummy". I couldn't bear it.

But that's what happens when couples with children spilt up and form new family configurations.

If it comes spontaneously from the child then it's a good thing, surely? Of course it's going to hurt like fuck as the "original" mother, but rather that than having to see one's DCs share a big part of their lives with someone they're indifferent (or worse still, hostile) to.

As Hully says, the more love in the family, the better.