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My husband won't move out!

(24 Posts)
Ladylicklid Tue 28-Jun-11 23:53:55

Can anyone offer me any advise pls? I have been married for 24 hrs but have been unhappy for many of those years. I have 3 sons 2 at Uni 1 at school - we own a house with my elderly mother she owns the larger share. We can't sell the house until my mother dies. We agreed after much deliberation about 2 years ago that we should separate but then my husband lost his job and although he now earns a small amount of money on a self employed basis, he simply can not afford to leave. I am also self employed but am now the main earner. I work many hours and am knackered and emotionally drained - beIng forced to live with someone I don't love and frankly can't stand being around. I went to the CAB to ask if wee were eligible for any benefits to help and they said I earn too much - I don't earn a fortune about 25 k net p/a but we have a mortgage and 2 boys at Uni and all the normal bills that go with a family & house.

He doesn't really want to leave so I am left in this limbo situation - there is no one else involved but I feel like my life is passing me by and I can't move on while he is still here. He refuses to tell our children or families although my close friends know. I am now getting pretty depressed about the whole situation but just feel totally trapped. I have considered leaving but the house is my family home and I help care for my mother - and my office is at home as well.

We sleep separately and lead separate lives but he just won't make it official and I can't see how he will ever be able to afford to go!

I have always said I want us to remain friends for the sake of the children if nothing else, but this enforced situation is making it very hard and I am now resenting him more each day. Suggestions most welcome please.

chicletteeth Wed 29-Jun-11 00:02:55

I'm sorry for your situation, but what do you expect the man to do? He earns only a little money and as you say, can't afford to leave. Whilst your mother owns the lions share of your house, you and he own the rest equally and it sounds as though your children are all grown up (not sure about your youngest but hazard a guess that if you have two uni aged DS then, DS3 is not far behind) so him leaving is not par for the course if you see what I mean.
If you want out you need to get either your mum on side, so you can force a sale between you or, other than that, there is not much else you can do but to move out yourself.

AgentZigzag Wed 29-Jun-11 00:03:31

You could tell your children and families?

You say families, but his family is yours as well if you've been married for so long.

It's not just his 'news' to control, you're involved as well.

skybluepearl Wed 29-Jun-11 00:10:52

how much does he actually earn? Can he just rent a room somewhere or a one roomed flat close by? See it as a temporary measure until you can sell the house?

Yes and I agree you should just make the announcement on his behalf.

Inertia Wed 29-Jun-11 00:11:30

You need to take control of who you tell, it's not just his choice.

It's not an option for you to leave, realistically. And I guess he doesn't see why he should, as it's partly his house.

Have you spoken to solicitors about a formal separation, or instigating a divorce? Would your entitlement to benefits/credits change if you were divorced?

Is there any way of creating some kind of bedsit arrangement for your husband within the house so you can live separate lives?

Ladylicklid Wed 29-Jun-11 00:13:25

Yes this is the problem - but he is v lazy !!! And although he is not earning much he finds enough to go to the pub and smoke! ( not in the house ) I have suggested hr gets a part time job to supplement his income as he doesn't have enough work to fill his days ( he also works from home) but he won't do that!

Yes I have thought of telling our children but to be honest he can be pretty nasty ( verbally) it would make life even worse living with him then. He is pretty bad tempered anyway! I also feel that he should really tell his family!

skybluepearl Wed 29-Jun-11 00:13:55

If you 'threw' him out of the house could he get some emergeny council accomodation? Not sure but imagine they would have to do something.

Ladylicklid Wed 29-Jun-11 00:22:24

This makes me sound like a real wimp! I'm really not ! This is effecting me really badly now, I am on the verge of going to the Drs for some anti depressants and it is effecting my work as well. I am finding it v hard to concentrate and I dread any social invitations - we don't get many as my close friends do know but we have a close family wedding in a few weeks and stuff like that is hard!

I don't know exactly how much he is earning but not enough to rent anywhere - I have said he can go and pay me nothing but he still can't afford to go!

I am thinking that maybe I could remortgaged and pY him off by changing to an interest only mortgage but I'm not sure I'd get enough lent or if I could even afford it I need to look into that.

Ladylicklid Wed 29-Jun-11 00:25:48

If I ever suggest that he goes - he says I'd like ton see u try and make me! I think he is trying to make it as difficult as possible foe me so I go! Now our kids r back from Uni I am sleeping on a mattress on my office floor which is a part converted garage!!!! And I'm sick of it!

sb6699 Wed 29-Jun-11 00:29:06

You might have been better posting this in legal for more accurate advice.

Tbh, I'm not sure how you could legally throw him out of his own home when he hasnt done anything to warrant it.

I think your best bet would be to have your mother agree to the sale of the house and split any equity between you. Or could your mother afford to buy him out?

musicposy Wed 29-Jun-11 00:31:54

You need a new, handsome, young lover. The sound of you shagging on the mattress in your office should get him out sharpish. grin

Seriously, I think you need to start divorce proceedings. Then you can force the sale and he'll either be entitled to benefits or have to get on and find more work.

Ladylicklid Wed 29-Jun-11 00:35:25

My mother is too old to move she has lived in this house for over 50 hrs we extended it's which is how we increased it's value - I also have a disabled brother whom I help to care for - I just can't ask them to move it would be devastating for them - my lat3 father worked so hard to get this house it is just not something I can do to my mother who trusted us with her home when we moved in and extended it. Stupid move but again - he had no job and we had little choice as we couldn't afford our mortgage at the time!

Ladylicklid Wed 29-Jun-11 00:36:53

He would kill me !,!!!,!, but a shag with a young stud sounds almost worth it! Maybe not on the office floor tho!

Ladylicklid Wed 29-Jun-11 00:39:52

Anyway..... I have to sleep I'm beat thanks v much pls keep posting I will read again to,
Morrow and yes maybe the legal section is a good idea smile nighty night !

Triphop Wed 29-Jun-11 00:45:30

You need to tell everyone. Start with your children, who really truly deserve to hear this from you, sharpish, before they find out elsewhere. And then shout it from the rooftops, so that everyone in both your families hears. (And also the potential handsome young lovers mentioned by musicposy.)

Go see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. You will feel so much better when you start to take control of this situation.

mayorquimby Wed 29-Jun-11 01:03:01

Agree with the others. Don't see why he would move out of the matrimonial home but there are a whole host of other factors which you can and should take control of. such as informing family members and starting divorce proceedings.

Triphop Wed 29-Jun-11 01:07:50

He should move out of the matrimonial home because the matrimony bit is over. He should be properly and fully compensated for doing so.

What grown man wants to live with his ex-wife and his ex-wife's mother?

Omigawd Wed 29-Jun-11 01:23:46

Agrre, he has no incentive to earn more or move out, in fact I suspect he is comfortable- so its time to turn up the heat.

- tell people
- start proceedings
- start having a separate life.

AwesomePan Wed 29-Jun-11 01:29:08

err. a grown man with children in his family, and with nowhere else to go. He has two children at uni and is on a job search.

OP provides no evidence of unplesaeant behaviour on his part.

having a dependency on a mother for where you live is fraught, but a choice made. What does your mother say? As she is the Big Cotroller in your life.

AwesomePan Wed 29-Jun-11 01:30:11

Controller, even.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 29-Jun-11 02:08:53

Before you get anti-depressants, get a plan.

Ask a local estate agent to provide a written valuation of the house; deduct your mother's majority share and split the remainder into two equal parts to obtain a ball park figure that you will need to to pay off buy out your dh.

You'll then need to source mortgage lenders to see if there's any way you can raise the necessary funds.

Do your 3 ds's have their own bedrooms? If so, needs must when the devil drives, and two of them will need to bunk in together so that you can have your own bedroom with a proper bed.

This could be the catalyst for breaking the news to your dcs - although surely they've noticed that their parents' marriage is on the rocks? You'll need to reassure them, and your dm and, from the sound of it, your db, that the fact that your marriage is over will not make any material difference to their living conditions.

You've effectively been separated for 2 years, and now it's time to file for divorce. You don't need a solicitor to start proceedings as you can do it online, and maybe when the papers are served on him your dh will buck his ideas up.

If you've committed to attend the forthcoming wedding as a family unit, it may be politic to wait until the event is over before announcing your changed circumstances to all who need to know.

Should your dh 'turn nasty' and threaten you in any way, call the police and have him forcibly removed if necessary - and follow through by seeking a restraining order.

The above is purely practical advice - I'm not without sympathy for your dh but, from what you've said, it seems that you're the mainstay of your extended family and, therefore, your emotional and physical well-being is paramount.

ScarletOHaHa Wed 29-Jun-11 10:38:05

You need to seek legal advice and get yourself sorted financially. If (God forbid) anything happened to your mum, your husband would be entitled to share your inheritance.

I agree that if your children should share so that you can have your own room.

Serenitysutton Wed 29-Jun-11 10:41:36

I agree with the others - get a divorce. You andyour mother will need to buy him out

nocake Wed 29-Jun-11 10:54:01

Why're you waiting for him to take the next step? Why don't you do it? File a divorce petition and start the process of separating your finances. You will need to talk to him about an appropriate split of assets but if your Mum owns the majority of the house then I expect it will involve you buying him out.

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