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to be upset that my mother won't change her long weekend plans..

(54 Posts)
stella1w Tue 28-Jun-11 21:48:41

.. despite saying she would look after my 3 year old daughter if I went into labour..

I am single, and was due around 21 June. So far, no sign, and in theory they could let me go until 5 July or even beyond. As the baby is big, they might even skip induction and move straight to C-section.

But my mother has booked to go to France for a long weekend from 7-11 July.
(Background - she goes on a LOT of holidays, short and long haul). And my birthing partner is away for the same period.

I don't care if I give birth alone but am really worried about my dd.

As the baby is showing no signs of arriving and as I may end up with a c-section, I asked my mother she would consider changing her plans and she said no. She later accused me of emotional blackmail and of course said I should think of the "consequences."

I called my aunt (and daughter's guardian) to see if she could help and she said she could do the first two days but then had a visitor she could not put off and wanted to watch the grand prix at home on the Sunday.

I am so worried about being late and having no one to take care of dd, I am considering opting for an elective csection which might make things easier to plan although of course would require a longer stay in hospital and thus maybe more childcare issues.

AIBU?

tazmin Tue 28-Jun-11 21:53:07

how about the father, is he not an option

stella1w Tue 28-Jun-11 21:57:54

father is not around and long gone...

MamaMary Tue 28-Jun-11 22:01:18

Poor you. YANBU to feel upset. It's a stressful situation. I hope things work out for you.

They may be willing to consider inducing you at 10 days over. I would check with the hospital. At least that would give you a week before your mum is due to go away.

trouble2plus2 Tue 28-Jun-11 22:03:05

YANBU to be upset if the people you are relying on in your time of need have let you down. I would be. However, please don't let it drag you down. And don't let it affect how you give birth, you must do what is right for you and your children.

Contact your health visitor or midwife ASAP. Ask if there is anything local they would recommend for caring for your older child. Make plans asap. However, take your daughter with you to the hospital if you have to. I don't know if this would be acceptable to the hospital, but you can't leave her home alone.

We had a similar situation in that my DH wanted to come to hospital with me, and my parents couldn't change their work plans, and his parents said they would be on stand by and in the end, fecked off to Wales for the weekend I went in, so that was no use. We ended up paying our old nanny to come in for a few days, costly I agree, but it meant I had firm, reliable plans for my older children.

Grandparents are ideal to help out, but nowadays they have lives of their own which are as complicated as ours. But, no YANBU to be cross that she can't help for a few days when you really, really need her to come through for you.

Geordieminx Tue 28-Jun-11 22:03:59

Do you have any friends that could help out?

Whereabouts in the country are you?(if you don't mind saying)?

Feel very sad for you.

Does your dd go to nursery? Any of the staff there help out?

fluffles Tue 28-Jun-11 22:04:28

if you called your aunt and daughters guardian in labour would she really stay home watching the grand prix and let your daughter go to social services? really?

i hope/think that if it came down to it she'd come through.. otherwise you need to seriously thing about changing your guardianship plans..

LaurieFairyCake Tue 28-Jun-11 22:05:02

What about the father of the baby you're currently having or is he going to be at the birth?

bubblecoral Tue 28-Jun-11 22:06:07

I think you need to focus on the fact that in all likely hood, your baby will arrive before then, but if you haven't gone into labour by then, do you think your Mum would still leave you?

Is there any chance that she would stay if it came to it, but she doesn't want you to be relying on her too much?

Nowtspecial Tue 28-Jun-11 22:07:10

I'm in a sort of similiar situation, tho have OH, and we are both very hurt that family booked holiday exactly at the time we could really really need them, and knowing we had nil other help. I would never do that if my dd was due to give birth. People suck sometimes eh. How your mother can do that is beyond me.

Bluebell99 Tue 28-Jun-11 22:07:37

Gosh I am surprised and staggered at how unhelpful yr relatives are being! Mind you, I had to leave my 2 yr old ds with a friend when I went into labour at 7 am and my mother and father came over to my house within about 2 hours BUT left my ds at my friends until my mil arrived late that eve!!! Do you have any friends that could have your daughter for you?

squeakytoy Tue 28-Jun-11 22:08:32

Are there no other family members on either side?

stella1w Tue 28-Jun-11 22:10:41

thanks... the trouble with induction is a) I have a big baby so it isn't advisable and b) I was previously very very ill after a lumbar puncture so really really wouldn't want an epidural as it could happen again. And it seems that epidurals are more likely with inductions due to the strength of contractions.
Spoke to a consultant anaesthologist friend who said a spinal has much fewer side-effects and could be used with an elective c-section!
So within a few hours have moved from my home water birth plans (no time away from home, less worries re dd, faster recovery) to seriously considering elective c-section just so I can plan child care..
dd is at a nursery so I can't really call on them. And she has never spent a night away from me and we haven't had time to do a practice sleepover, so that is even more upsetting.
as for grandparents today - I envy their quality of life and freedom.. I don't think people our generation will be enjoying their early retirement age and spending power!
to take my Mum's point of view for a moment - I guess she thought the last day I would be allowed to deliver was 5 July but even that wouldn't take into account a long labour, complications or just the need for a pair of helping hands post-delivery!

stella1w Tue 28-Jun-11 22:15:34

no father in the picture and yes, I am going to change my guardianship plans..I think if there was a dire emergency then my mother would not go to the South of France, but she won't say as much and so I can't count on her doing the right thing at the last moment. Grand-Prix watching Aunt thinks IABU to expect my mother to consider changing her holiday plans.
Personally, I could not go on holiday not knowing if my daughter and grandaughter were OK. I would of course be unhappy about postponing a holiday but I wouldn't say anything to 41 week pg daughter, I'd just moan to my friends (or Gransnet!)
I do have friends nearby who might help out but they both work and have a 4 and 18 month old..
I feel like a terrible mother for not having something more solid in place but then I would never have expected the Grand Prix to trump my dd's wellbeing!

thinNigella Tue 28-Jun-11 22:16:39

so sorry you're in this situation. haven't read the full thread, but IMO labour ward could be scary for DD, so you will need someone to care for her, - sure you don't need me to point that out!! Having had some experience of hospitals myself, I wonder if the hospital could arrange for a family support worker to sit with DD whn you go to hospital, and maybe she could go to the childrens' ward play room? That should be possible to organise if you are induce or have c section - there's time to organise it. They work nights too. Or you could contact a social worker - don't be scared, it just shows you're a responsible parent. Only other option is a home birth?
Good luck with the new arrival!

Inertia Tue 28-Jun-11 22:18:17

It's probably not worth pursuing the long weekend with your mother- sounds as though she either doesn't care enough about your situation, or she's realised she's in the wrong and is going on the defensive to justify herself ("consequences" of you asking for help- FFS!).

If it came to it, would your aunt be willing to take care for your DD at her own house on grand prix day?

mumblebum Tue 28-Jun-11 22:22:29

YANBU I can't imagine leaving my DD and (as yet imaginary given DD is only 7) GD in the lurch like that sad. Do ask friends. I know I'd be there for a friend in those circumstances in a heartbeat.

MumblingRagDoll Tue 28-Jun-11 22:23:36

Ask your friends nearby....I have small kids but i I were your friends I would DEFINiTELY help...it's a rare person who wouldn't! Stick here for support...I hope yo sort it soon...you don't need this stress!

stella1w Tue 28-Jun-11 22:27:41

thanks for the support - will talk more to friends nearby, stop flogging dead South of France horse with mother, change guardianship plans and try to stay positive.

Ishani Tue 28-Jun-11 22:30:08

I wasn't on my own, married with another child and told my MW I have child care on a Mon and Tues but none the rest of the week so can I be induced on the Monday and they said fine and indeed DC2 arrived on the Monday to order.

Schoolgirl Tue 28-Jun-11 22:31:34

Have had similar problems with finding childcare whilst giving birth (but without the added nightmare of no DP) so you have my sympathies. We have no family nearby so rely on nursery as a "second family". Both times they've stepped in to care for existing DCs when I had to go into hospital and it was fine. Neither DC had ever spent the night away from me but they were absolutely fine as the nursery girls knew them well enough to comfort them when they got upset. Can you ask your DD's keyworker if they'd consider babysitting at short notice or even ask the nursery manager to ask around for you?

My neighbours also let me know they were happy to step in - I was reluctant because of their lack of familiarity with the DC but if I hadn't have had the nursery back-up I would have had a few "settling in" sessions before the big night! Friends of DD's parents might also be willing to have a "sleepover". Your friends with DC would probably be happy for you to call them.

Honestly please do ask people - most of us would love to be asked to do this kind of favour. I've offered a neighbour I hardly knew and was disappointed that her parents were visiting when the event happened! It's just stupid family members that let us down - my own Mum was on holiday just after the birth of DC3 despite promising to stay with me when I found out I was pregnant and completely hysterical.

As I said on a similar thread, my family are about as useful as chocolate teapots! I would make alternative arrangements with a list of reliable people (better to have two or three lined up incase they're busy) and then let your Mum and Aunt know in no uncertain terms that they can bog off!

Flisspaps Tue 28-Jun-11 22:33:03

Stay positive indeed. You could well go into labour well before 5 July. And also - they can't guarantee baby's size - even growth scans can be a bit hit and miss from what I've read on MN over time so baby might not be as big as they think smile

Best of luck to you.

stella1w Tue 28-Jun-11 22:39:45

love the chocolate teapots.. will pursue issue with nursery..and I will mention issue of childcare with MW at appointment (sad that I would have to...)
Next time my aunt has to go into hospital will try not to say smugly "but people have PLANS you know.. don't you know my favourite show is on TV that day?"

Schoolgirl Tue 28-Jun-11 22:44:08

Yes yes say that! Say worse FGS - what a crock of shit about the bloody grand prix angry

Forgot to say that I laboured and gave birth alone twice (DH en route to hospital) and it was fine - much better than it was when he was there the first time in fact grin With DC3 a student midwife asked if she could monitor me as a case study and ended up being my birth partner which was fab - I breathed through a very fast (induced) labour with her help and encouragement, god love her. Amazing how the kindness of strangers can get you through life...

on and by the way - yanbu!

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