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to tell one of my closest friends that her daughter is giving my daughter a hard time at school?

(35 Posts)
Restrainedrabbit Tue 28-Jun-11 21:39:37

I genuinely don't know if I should say something, I wouldn't say it was bullying but she is not very nice to my DD (name calling and general verbal unkindness). They are both 5 so in reception.

Have done the ignore chat with my DD and talked about not being able to get on with everyone and managing social interactions but she is still struggling to deal with this girl.

If it was my DD I'd think I'd prefer my friend to talk to me first before talking to teachers etc.

WWYD?

cybboid Tue 28-Jun-11 21:41:12

I had similar situation and decided to talk to school and not friend, as it was happening in school.

thisisyesterday Tue 28-Jun-11 21:42:28

if it's a very close friend then yes, talk to her, but also speak to the teacher so s/he can keep an eye on them

if it were me i'd like to think that a friend could talk to me about it so i could do something.

squeakytoy Tue 28-Jun-11 21:42:31

If she is your closest friend, then I wouldnt have thought it too difficult to broach the subject and say you wish your girls got on better, without making it all out to be her daughter at fault..

Restrainedrabbit Tue 28-Jun-11 21:46:24

The problem is I think she genuinely has no idea that there is a problem, our girls are very different (my DD is very quiet and shy hers is a typical alpha female tomboy smile )

homeedmam11 Tue 28-Jun-11 21:49:20

Ohhhh!!! Been here before we have.sad
We moved to a new area about 9 months before my daughter started school, she met a little girl in preschool who she loved and they seemed to get on really well (so did we with her parents), for about 8 months anyway, then school started and so did the "very nastyness" from this other little girl. This went on a while then the teacher spoke to her mum and told her she'd punched my daughter in the face etc....she apologised of course...but then within weeks the situation had turned into one of them "I don't think they should play together anymore, as they seem to rub eachother up the wrong way" etc, etc. She started ignoring me in the playground too, needless to say friendship ended!!!
I am not sorry however as it was bullying and it is upsetting to the child being bullied and needs to and should be stopped.
It won't be easy however you say it, but they are at school a long time, and believe me this will carry on if its not nipped in the bud, and most likely escalate too. Sorry if thats not what you wanted to hear.sad

worraliberty Tue 28-Jun-11 21:53:30

If you're that close...how about saying something to her DD while your DD and Friend are there?

You know like "So what's all this about <insert snippet> then?"

That way, both kids will have a chance to speak about it and your friend will be aware.

DollyTwat Tue 28-Jun-11 21:54:08

Talk to the school
Don't talk to your friend
Really, it won't end well

worraliberty Tue 28-Jun-11 21:55:54

Forgot to say...in a light hearted voice sort of thing.

Restrainedrabbit Tue 28-Jun-11 21:57:54

Oh very mixed views here sad

bigTillyMint Tue 28-Jun-11 21:58:26

Having seen how not having a frank chat with the friend can pan out, talk to your friend first. It will be awkward and painful, but much better to do it now.

Your friend will have no idea that your DD is so upset, and it may take quite alot of talking to get her to see what your DD is feeling and saying about what is going on, but definitely talk. Now. And then go to the teacher together to work together to sort it out.

Mischif Tue 28-Jun-11 21:59:05

Agree with dolly. Ask school to keep an eye out. Meanwhile, encourage your dd to play with people who are nice to her.

If you approach the mum you will more than likely find that her dd has also been having problems with your dd - as reception age is a bit like that - and it won't end well.

Rhinestone Tue 28-Jun-11 21:59:48

You MUST deal with this now. This happened to me from the age of 5 until I was 18. My 'best friend' was the daughter of my mum's new best friend when we moved to a new area and she was a very nasty emotional bully.

I remember when I was 9, BitchGirl told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore and I was relieved for me but also terrified of how I was going to tell my mum.

I plucked up the courage that evening and it felt like a weight had been lifted. Then not half an hour later my mum told me she'd spoken to BitchGirl's mother and announced that they were going to stay friends regardless and she had invited BitchGirl round for tea the next day.

This signalled to me that my own mother had no intention of helping me and I was obviously as worthless as BitchGirl told me I was. I've never forgotten that. And yes, I had to remain friends with her until I moved away to uni at 18 and got some real friends.

bigTillyMint Tue 28-Jun-11 22:02:23

If you don't do this, believe me, your friend will never again be or remain one of your closest friends.

Restrainedrabbit Tue 28-Jun-11 22:03:23

Some sad stories here, I really want my DD to know I'll always fight her corner and help her. Doesn't help that her teacher is an old witch too- sigh.

bigTillyMint Tue 28-Jun-11 22:04:47

Don't jsut ask the school to keep an eye out, they may never see anything.

Your DD needs strategies to become more assertive and the other girl needs to learn how to modify her behaviour too.

You must be transparent with your friend and work together.

Rhinestone Tue 28-Jun-11 22:06:52

I have 'ishoos' with my mother anyway but that one incident kind of encapsulates all the various issues; I have never forgotten it or that feeling that my happiness was less important than what my mum wanted.

PLEASE put your daughter first over any embarrassment.

bigTillyMint Tue 28-Jun-11 22:07:23

Look, if the teacher is an old witch, then even more important that you and your friend work together.

It is not about blame. It is about the dynamics between the two girls and how you as parents support them to change. If you just "fight your DD's corner" she may become a victim, reliant on you sorting out her social difficulties, and the other girl may become a bully sad

redwineformethanks Tue 28-Jun-11 22:12:43

It's not that easy to speak to the friend. We have a similar situation. I'd be tempted to mention it to the school instead, if you trust them to keep an eye on the situation

Oblomov Tue 28-Jun-11 22:20:11

One playground mum gave me some good advice, in the first term, but it was too late.
She said 'always let the school deal with it'. I had approached a fellow mum , and it turned sour and has changed my whole schooling/playground politics view.
Never ever deal with it. Let them.
Believe me, it is such good advice, you wouldn't beleive.

bubblecoral Tue 28-Jun-11 22:20:20

How close is your relationship with the friend? Is she someone you would be friends with if you didn't have children the same age, same sex at the same school? If not, I would tread very carefully when talking to her, and I think the idea from worra is a good one.

Is the freind particularly precious about her dd, or would she be the sort of person that would never hear a word said in a negative way about her dd?

I think that dollytwat is right, and you should speak to the teacher about this. Firstly it could really blow up in your face if you tackle your friend directly - how will you react if she disbelieves you? If you talk to the school, they can keep an eye out for nasty behaviour, and nip it in the bud there and then. Secondly, as the behaviour is happening at school, that's where it should be tackled.

I had an issue like this with ds2. When he went to senior school, there were only 4 other boys from his primary school who went up with him, one of which was his best friend - they've known eachother since they were 18 months old, and his mum was my closest friend. By the time the boys were in year 8, this other boy was joining in with bullying ds2 - verbal bullying mainly, but having already been bullied at junior school, it really upset ds2 - especially as it was his supposed best friend.

This lad had also basically kept ds2 as his 'spare' friend - he made plenty of other friendships in the school but never thought to invite ds2 to hang out with them. Ds2 was for when no-one else was available (I didn't see this until it was too late). This meant that ds2 had no other friends at school, and was totally isolated when this lad started bullying him.

I did tell my friend what her son was saying to ds2, and she flatly denied it. She said her son had denied saying anything nasty, and he wouldn't lie - the clear implication being that ds2 would.

Thankfully, within the year, we had moved to scotland, where ds2 has a big group of really good friends, and is thoroughly happy. We have seen the other boy since then, and absence has made things better, but I think the whole thing damaged the relationship between me and my friend.

skybluepearl Tue 28-Jun-11 23:11:33

I think you should speak to the teacher and then update friend. It is happening in school so it is schools responisbility.

squeakytoy Tue 28-Jun-11 23:19:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy Tue 28-Jun-11 23:19:42

ffs... wrong tab... sorry!

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