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To be p*ssed off with friends lack of communication?

(40 Posts)
Newmummytobe79 Tue 28-Jun-11 10:38:54

I have a number of friends who just plain ignore texts, emails and facebook direct messages (I’d rather send private messages than have conversations in public) and then when prompted to check if they’re ok/actually received the message I get a load of excuses about how busy they are etc yet they manage to post cr*p on facebook all the time.

We’re a very busy group – some with kids, some with hectic careers, but I just don’t understand why people can’t take a couple of minutes out of their day to be courteous. I ask them how they are out of genuine concern and expect a response.

I think I’m extra p*ssed off with them as I’m one of the last to be pregnant and I always fussed over them and checked how they were pregnant – yet they don’t really seem to care how I am.

The latest friend has received a birthday present I sent for her son and I’ve had to chase to find out if it arrived! Rude, rude, rude!

purpleplump Tue 28-Jun-11 10:42:40

I agree its rude, a text costs 10p and takes a minute or two, fair enough they probably not on FB all the time, I have a friend who I have regularly text (and I know for a fact he is on contract with unlimited texts, so cost is not an excuse) I have just accepted the fact that he is bored of me now because I can't drink (we used to drink pretty much every weekend) and he knows that I won't condone drinking in my flat when little one is here (extreme i know, but if im not allowing smoking im not allowing drinking!)
YANBU to expect a reply to at least the text!

sparklyjewlz Tue 28-Jun-11 10:55:43

Yanbu. It's so easy to keep in touch now.

shakey1500 Tue 28-Jun-11 11:00:48

YANBU, it infuriates me sometimes. Especially when you have sent a message that requires an answer. Ok so it's not a critical answer needed but an answer none the less. No reply then to see that they've been active on facebook posting things left right and centre and can SEE them --> over there on "chat" STILL not responding- grrrrr!

<needs to get out more>

moominmarvellous Tue 28-Jun-11 11:01:02

I'd been toying with the idea of a very similar post myself this morning when I saw your thread title.

I have (or thought I had) a small group of good friends. We all have varied lifestyles, In my case the only one married with children. I often wished they did too as perhaps this is what's setting me apart but maybe not reading your experience.

Our friendship was always something I've been proud of, at one point I liked that we weren't in each others pockets, we could not see or speak to each other for a while, but still slot back into things when we saw each other again. But more and more it feels less like that and more that none of us are particularly bothering these days. Again, theres FB showing every interaction with others and I sometimes think why do you talk to this one and that one, but never me? I never thought I was particularly deluded but maybe I have been!

I sent a long email to two of the girls last week to arrange dates to meet up etc prompted by them (we always do this via private facebook mail so we can all be in on arranging a date) but not one of them has responded when I can see they have been on there.

I think that it gets to a point where friendships can become a duty rather than something we do because we actually enjoy it. Really my friends an I have grown apart and I feel like perhaps I'm seen as someone they need to make an effort with - like an elderly aunt they have to visit to keep her happy. But likewise, I am increasingly disinterested in nightclubs, festivals and one night stands - I did all those things pre-children/marriage, and am in no way judgy, I just can't relate to it all so am thinking in my case things may have reached a natural end.

It's a bit depressing to admit it, but our laziness has meant that we just haven't grown together.

Newmummytobe79 Tue 28-Jun-11 11:13:49

Thanks for all your responses - glad I'm not being unreasonable. Moominmarvellous - you've made me feel quite sad as I think maybe this is happening to me too.

I noticed a split in the group of with kids and without happening - but now the with kids are slowly getting back into going out with the without kids girls and I feel like the boring pregnant one who doesn't really bring any fun to the table.

I thought my with kids friends would relish in another mummy joining 'their' side but they just seem too busy to bother with me.

I don't want to lose them but I have a feeling if I didnt get in touch with a number of them they wouldn't really notice sad

My husband's friends wives and girlfriends are so lovely and really make an effort with me but they're just not the girls I grew up with. I've always been so proud of having my own group of friends and being independent of my husband - but is this just the way it goes sometimes?

Insomnia11 Tue 28-Jun-11 11:20:08

I think my friends and I are all equally crap for time to time, but we do respond eventually, if not immediately, to communications!

Modern methods of communication are a blessing and a curse I think. Some people expect instant responses to texts and e-mails, but I can still remember writing letters to friends and sometimes respond in a similar time frame...

Getting on the blower or seeing someone in person is usually the best way of getting a quick response, I think.

moominmarvellous Tue 28-Jun-11 11:29:40

Exactly the same, my 'Mum' friends are really the ones who offer me the kind of friendship I now need if I'm honest with myself.

Sorry I didn't mean to bring your mood down further, it just got me pondering it all really.

I kept thinking I wish one of my lot would have children, but I do think that now (DD is almost 5 and they are all still completely single) the same thing will happen with us. They'll have children but I then will be at another stage. I'd love to think I'd still be enthusiastic, but if we let things go on the way they are, I'm not sure we'll even be in touch when/if they do.

One of my friends said to me that she forgets I have children....I'm a SAHM. It kind of highlighted for me that things had really gone by the wayside!

BagofHolly Tue 28-Jun-11 11:33:21

YABU. I've been up since 5am. I've been trying to send an email ALL morning and have just managed it. My efforts were thwarted by my kids "helping" plus other life pressures. I owe about another 20 emails/fb messages. Cut me slack please!

octopusinabox Tue 28-Jun-11 11:35:05

I actually think it's not just the 'quality' of the friends but also about how we're communicating with each other now. Facebook etc has meant people no longer talk to each other properly - they now make 'announcements' about their life rather than get involved in one-one discussions.

I don't use facebook so sometimes miss out on things that are happening in my friend's lives but I'd rather that than get bogged down with all the facebook nonsence and I like speaking to people properly.

If they're not making any effort to communicate with you then maybe they aren't really terribly good friends.

moominmarvellous Tue 28-Jun-11 11:36:03

One thing I AM guilty of, has been not wanting to 'bother' my friends. They work long hours and I will fire off an email/text so they can respond when is suitable for them.

It never used to bother me.....so this leading me to believe that maybe I'm the one who's changed the most!

Also Newmummytobe - are you (as your name suggests!) still expecting your baby and is it your first? If so, I had a very low time when pg with DD, thinking I can't drink/am boring but when baby arrived everyone was thrilled and rallied round. It's taken me almost 5 years to reach the point with my friends where I'm as resigned as I am now! x

bumblingbovine Tue 28-Jun-11 11:45:50

<I agree its rude, a text costs 10p and takes a minute or two>

Maybe for you. My texts take ages to write - I am not very fast at it. My pet hate is people texting "how are u, haven't seen you for a while?" What can I answer to that on a text? Any meaningful anwer will take me ages to text

I don't use facebook either. Email is useful for organising an event with a few people but frankly I like to talk to my friends face to face or on the phone. I thus prefer to communicate less often but for it to be more meaningful for me.

Newmummytobe79 Tue 28-Jun-11 11:55:42

I totally understand people are busy (myself included) but am most annoyed at the fact I didn't get a thanks for the gift I sent - I really don't think I am being unreasonable expecting a text/facebook thanks for that.

I too work long hours so don't want to mither my mummy friends gone 7pm at night. On the occasions I have it's either bath time, bed time or chill out time for mummy and dadddy - therefore texting/emailing gives the receiver time to respond when is suitable for them. If I'm caught on the phone at a bad time I'm useless!

Bagofholly - I totally understand that people are busy and I'm guessing you've not been pratting around on facebook all morning posting meaningless status updates. If there is time for that, there is time to respond to a friend and a friend should come first.

Newmummytobe79 Tue 28-Jun-11 12:14:02

Moominmarvellous - meant to add, yes this is my first and I do feel just like that! Very much so. I used to be the one to arrange nights out etc so maybe it's more that the group has lost its organiser?

Maybe they've always been rubbish at staying in touch and I never noticed!

Bast Tue 28-Jun-11 12:22:44

Maybe they are just busy with young children? It's one thing posting farcebook crap and quite another to give time and emotion to communication you care about.

My friends an I all dip in and out of communication with each other. No offence is ever taken and should any one of us need the rest of us, we're there. It's comforting to be surrounded by true friendship and love.

At times, the emotional drain of close friendships are not what people need in life and that tends to be a reflection of what ever they have going on, rather than on the friend that is momentarily lowered in priorities.

MorticiaAddams Tue 28-Jun-11 12:51:13

YABU. Sometimes you're not in the mood to respond and just want to prattle around on facebook. I don't always reply immediately to messages and would rather wait until I was in the right mood to send a proper reply.

On the other hand perhaps you send too many messages and they are fed up with it.

Newmummytobe79 Tue 28-Jun-11 12:54:07

MorticiaAddams - do you not thanks friends for your children's gifts? Maybe I wasn't in the mood to go shopping for it but I still did

pleasekeepcalmandcarryon Tue 28-Jun-11 13:01:18

One of the numerous reasons I hate facebook. I find it really depressing that people I once spent time with in real life, properly laughing (not lol-ing) and enjoying their company seems to have become limited to facebook postings.

I think a lot of people think that facebook is a good enough form of communication and forget they haven't actually seen or spoken to someone in RL for weeks/months/years.

Maybe a lot of people prefer the one sided facebook updates to an actual two way conversation? It's like the cyber equivalent of talking loudly about yourself then not listening to the other person.

Disclaimer: I do actually use facebook, I would have no friends or communication left if I didn't. Still hate it though and I do about 2 status updates a year-I mostly can't stand them.

On a slightly related tangent I wonder if there is a correlation between prolific status updaters and success at job interviews? I had a failed interview (one of many) recently and feedback is that I am very poor at selling myself and 'don't give much information away' despite having the qualifications and experience. Kind of fits with my facebook reluctance!

moominmarvellous Tue 28-Jun-11 15:20:52

Newmummy, I really think your friends will come through for you once the baby arrives. Mine did to a point, but I think that the fact your friends have children, even more so. They'll have advice for you (wether you'll want it or not!) and hopefully be reminded of how things were for them with their first children. Once the child is here their children will take an interest and you'll actually be able to get involved with things even though the children are different ages.

Also, soon enough you'll be out and about with the baby meeting all kinds of people - not neccessarily replacements for your longterm friends, but they'll definately mix things up a bit and you'll be on the same page as them at this point in your life. Even if you only see them at baby club once a week, it helps and boosts your mood if you get a bit down xxx

LineRunner Tue 28-Jun-11 15:29:52

I do think that OP has hit on an important point which is that these days lots of people are taking a scatter gun approach to friendship by posting loads of crap on FB etc, whilst not wanting to have the real thing.

The fact that people think they can make a 'friend' on FB says it all.

I think people are best off with one or two real friends, not lots of 'friends' they can't possibly give time to. But then I'm a bit of a oddity, I know.

Insomnia11 Tue 28-Jun-11 15:49:33

But sometimes you just inevitably make friends don't you? I can't say "Oh, I'm sorry I already have two close friends, you'll have to just be an acquiantance!" Sometimes you just hit it off with people.

I think it's ok to have diffferent levels of friendship with lots of different people, all the way from someone you chat to occasionally on Twitter to bosom buddies who've known you since you met on the school bus on the first day at secondary school. Also all these friendships and acquiantances ebb and flow over the years.

For me Facebook came at just the right time when I was out of touch with a few people (mostly friends who I know through DH who is crap at keeping in touch and family from back home) and not going out socially anywhere near as much. Actually I've got to know a couple of friends (who were DH's friends really) a lot better through Facebook - not through inane status updates but through talking about current affairs or what music they liked.

As for good friends we might e-mail through Facebook to arrange to meet sometimes, but we also text, phone and meet in person. I was never one for phoning regularly anyway so if anything Facebook has meant we communicate more.

redwineformethanks Tue 28-Jun-11 16:22:57

I think your friend was rude not to thank you for the present.

Apart from that, it's difficult to comment. Is it possible that these friendships have drifted a bit and these people are currently more important to you than you are to them? I don't mean that to sound unkind, but sometimes friendships do move on in time.

Sometimes you have to let go a bit. You don't want people to feel they have to make an effort with you or else feel guilty about not doing so. If you're not getting the friendship you'd like from these people, perhaps it's time to expand your circle and add some new friends, possibly others with babies of similar age to your own

BooyHoo Tue 28-Jun-11 16:25:58

yanbu!

one of my best friends is like this. if i text her inviting her to something and she doesn't fancy it, she wont reply. instead of replying saying, "no thanks" she just doesn't reply. i think it is so rude. i almost feel like i am imposing on her by simply sending an invite now.

firstforthought Tue 28-Jun-11 16:35:49

I love a good chinwag. Chatting face to face or on the phone even, seems to be a dying art/ I hate convos by text and get quited pd off when I call and there is no answer but they want to chat by txt?? I can chat and BE busy (crook neck)! can't text and be busy.
You can't quite get the context without the tone of voice either....

Lonnie Tue 28-Jun-11 16:43:02

Honestly it drives me crazy people expects me to respond to their face boom comments. No I am not on it all the time but when I go out w the kids to swi Ming I might spend time on. My phone. Indonesia my best on email but some won't go through. If you want to talk to me phone me I will return a call. So op for me YAbu and I suspect for your friends too

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