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At odds with DH over family duties...who IBU?

(76 Posts)
circumflex Mon 27-Jun-11 00:51:38

We (DH, me and dd (15 months)) were due to travel this weekend abroad for a family event in DH's family. We didn't go in the end as dd has pneumonia and doc told us not to. I knew this was coming and tried to warn DH that she wasn't improving fast enough but he didn't believe me and so was very disappointed.

DH is big into family duty and feels very badly for not being at this event. Also I think he's upset his plans for a family holiday in the sun are ruined. However honestly he's getting on my nerves about it. We went to my parents today (dd perking up a little) and he moped about the first while not talking to anyone til I asked what was wrong and he said ' can I not feel saad about it' and later ' oh look, our plane's left now, we could have ben on our way...' Etc

Ffs I do feel badly for him but I think he's being over dramatic. Our dd is ill and them's the breaks with small kids.Besides I had sympathised with him loads before but enough is enough.

Now he wants to fly over on his own in a few days if dd is well enough.It'll mean leaving us for 5 days. I think he should focus on his own family and enjoy some time off together at home and make the best of things. I told him as much and he says he's ' conflicted'. I understand he wants to do right by his family but I think we should come first, especially with a sick dd (he doesn't appreciate that she's still quite sick btw). Who is being unreasonable?

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 27-Jun-11 00:57:02

How often does he see them? I live abroad and would be very sad to miss a family event. I see the family about once/twice a year.

circumflex Mon 27-Jun-11 00:59:45

He sees them a lot, the event is being held abroad, he's not from abroad.

However to be fair the main person is moving abroad elsewhere soon and may not be coming home first to say goodbye (only just heard this, not sure of the facts though).

FetchezLaVache Mon 27-Jun-11 01:02:16

I think YANBU. He's said he wants to go if DD is well enough for him to leave you both, so if she's sick he won't be going anywhere. Assuming she makes a full recovery, being on your own with a 15mo for 5 days isn't going to kill you. It's not unreasonable for him to miss his family and be sad about missing a family event.

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 27-Jun-11 01:04:07

In that case a have a lot less sympathy for him grin YANBU but it is nice that he values family. Sorry DD has been ill, what a worry.

circumflex Mon 27-Jun-11 01:06:07

Did you mean yabu there? I hear what you're saying, do you think it's reasonable to mope when you're a guest in someone else's house though?

circumflex Mon 27-Jun-11 01:07:41

Thanks mrstp, yes it's been stressful, all the more reason for some quality time together as she improves, I think, rather than spent apart

FetchezLaVache Mon 27-Jun-11 01:09:05

I did mean YABU, sorry- it's very late for me! And no, it's definitely (is that spelt right?? My brain cell has given up) not reasonable to mope in someone else's house. Like Mrs TP, I am a lot less sympathetic to your DH's cause now I know he's not from abroad.

circumflex Mon 27-Jun-11 01:17:52

Thanks fetchez, it's a late one for me also, this is on my poor dd awake half the night with coughing fits.

I really do feel for him but if the situations were reversed this would be a no brainer for me-our family comes first. I don't think he believes that though. He says he'd never ask me to stay in my position but I would never ask to go either.

We're both actually quite hurt with each other I think and I hate having this between us.

biscuitmad Mon 27-Jun-11 01:26:47

I would say stop moping when we are out its really embarrasing.

You have your own family to look after and your child isnt well. If your going to mope for the next week, please do me a favour and fuck off. Its hard enough looking after a child thats ill, I dont have the patient for your moping.

Then when he does bugger off you can have afew girls nights at yours with your mates. No nagging man, moping, winging, wow sounds good to me.

LolaRennt Mon 27-Jun-11 02:39:25

I know your family comes first, but he does have family outside of your immidiate family. So I think he should have been allowed to go by himself in the first place. Unless dd was very seriously ill (yes, I know pnemonia is bad but it can be bad and it can be baaaaad iyswim) I'd have sent him on. If dd is well enough for you to visit your parents she was probably well enough for you to soley care for her a couple days. I also think you were unkind to be upset with him for being sad about not getting to see family while spending time with yours.

Hope dd feels much better soon btw!

LolaRennt Mon 27-Jun-11 02:42:16

Also I would feel diferently if he was doing somethign besides seeing family. There was a thread recently where the OP was told almost a hundred percent she was BU for not wanting her husband to fuck on a lads weekend while she was suffering from hypermesis! She needed him to help look after her not be drunk with his mates!

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Mon 27-Jun-11 02:43:00

What event was it? Why didn't you want him to go on his own?

JamieAgain Mon 27-Jun-11 05:26:40

I think Y sound ABU

They are his family too. Is he not allowed to have emotions and be disappointed? - although a serious conversation is probably better than moaning, but still. Your daughter perked up sufficiently to visit your parents, so chances are she's be OK, and you said he's go "if your DD is well enough"

Unless there's more to this and he doesn't put you first at other times

JamieAgain Mon 27-Jun-11 05:28:54

Also, what gets me about your post is that you seem to be referring to his relationship with his family as "duty" and not love - maybe he loves them. It makes you sound a bit jealous. Sorry if I have read that wrong.

JamieAgain Mon 27-Jun-11 05:58:26

OP Strike that last comment of mine. On reflection Unwarranted, given you probably need to vent after sleepless nights. In my defence, it's early

exoticfruits Mon 27-Jun-11 06:11:47

I think that it is quite understandable. It isn't duty-you want to be with loved ones at special times. I think that you are looking at it from a different view-you weren't in the least upset to miss it but he was.In years to come I expect that you will hope that your DD will want to be with you at special times and not just shrug it off as unimportant.

Iteotwawki Mon 27-Jun-11 07:22:03

Tough call. Definitely not unreasonable not to take your daughter, if she's got any sort of chest pr

Iteotwawki Mon 27-Jun-11 07:26:55

Sorry, iPhone buggering about.

Anyway! Definitely not being unreasonable not to take your daughter, with a chest infection she shouldn't be flying (oxygen at altitude isn't as high as land, most healthy people's saturations drop).

Him moping about missing a holiday - well, you were with your family and he wasn't with his. So he's acting like a spoiled toddler there (and I would have had a quiet word with mine about his attitude if he'd behaved like that).

However, him wanting to go on his own for a few days if your daughter is well enough is entirely reasonable, even more so if someone is moving long distance and may not be coming back first. We emigrated 2 years ago (long way away!) and I would have been very upset if a family member hadn't made it to our going away party on the grounds that his daughter had been ill but was getting better now. Admittedly our party was in the UK but it was a fair drive for some people and they all made the effort, even those with tiny ones (for which I was extremely appreciative).

MadYoungCatLady Mon 27-Jun-11 08:56:29

Can see your DP's pov - but I very much sympathise with you. I remember my mum having pneumonia - it was bloody awful for her. For your baby to be going through that must be awful. Does your DP actually realise how serious an illness this is??? Not only that, but you must be bloody exhausted with worry about your DD, and from looking after her. Yeah, you managed to take her to see your parents. Maybe you needed some support you weren't getting at home during this hard time!
Maybe things are too black and white IMO, but if my DP wanted to sod off to a party - albeit a family one - abroad whilst I was left at home holding a seriously ill baby, I would be telling him to pack a frigging huge suitcase cos he wouldnt be coming back in my house. Yes, I'm a hard cow. But your children always always always come before other family members.

spookshowangel Mon 27-Jun-11 08:59:25

ummmmmmmm why didnt he just go on his own?

Bonsoir Mon 27-Jun-11 09:11:23

OP - I think you were unbelievably mean not to encourage your DH to go to the family event on his own while you stayed at home with your DD. Why didn't you do that?

CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes Mon 27-Jun-11 09:18:05

I can understand him being disappointed but at the same time it isn't your fault that your DD isn't well, and it sounds as though he's taking it out on you.

I would just encourage him to fly out as soon as your DD is well enough, okay so you will have to look after your ill DD alone but it doesn't sound as though he's being very helpful at the moment.

WidowWadman Mon 27-Jun-11 09:21:08

If your daughter is well enough to visit your parents than it can't be that bad that he can't go away to see his family for a few days. I think you're being mean.

diddl Mon 27-Jun-11 09:35:19

I think that YABU.

Not only did he miss a trip that he could have done alone-he ended up at your parents!

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