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was only being friendly/neighbourly but man misunderstood/has chip on his shoulder

(93 Posts)
paisleyII Sun 26-Jun-11 19:29:50

back from work this afternoon, went to supermarket, crossed road, halfway across there is a bench - someone (a large man) was sitting on the bench tucking into a large tub of icecream with a spoon - i said to him with a smile 'that looks nice' as it was hot and he was eating ice cream - to my surprise he looked up and instead of ie smiling and saying something like 'yes, isn't it hot' etc he said with a kind of smile (quote) 'i don't give a shit....' i was flumoxed, wtf? i was just being friendly, i often chat to strangers, then as i walked back to the car i realised that he must have thought i was being sarcastic, making some reference to the fact that he was (very) fat and he was tucking into a large tub of ice cream - there is no way i would ever do something like that, i am still mortified when it comes into my head that he would think that. clearly he has a chip on his shoulder, probably from being bullied over the years about his weight. if i had realised at the time what he meant i would probably have said something so he knew i was referring to the nice ice cream he was eating as i was hot etc, i feel innocently horrible now

MumblingRagDoll Sun 26-Jun-11 19:33:37

Why would you comment on a strangers food? I think YBU for doing that whoever was eating it! I'm not fat and I HATE people commenting on food I'm's rude.

TyDontWannaMissAthing Sun 26-Jun-11 19:33:51

Whoops, maybe he was already feeling guilty about eating it.
This is why your told as a child not to talk to strangers wink

purplepidjin Sun 26-Jun-11 19:34:42

Not your fault he only listened to the words not the tone of voice!

LilQueenie Sun 26-Jun-11 19:36:57

I wouldnt have took that comment as sarcasm at all. He just sounds very rude.

tigercametotea Sun 26-Jun-11 19:39:37

He was being rude. Ignore him.

paisleyII Sun 26-Jun-11 19:40:33

i am a bubbly friendly sort, i don't think there is anything odd about making a non descript comment about something like that, i don't notice peoples weight/judge them, i would have said it if he had been thin like a beanstalk. i won't change, london is a lonely enough place with people not taking enough notice of each other and usually if i talk to someone you can tell they appreciate the company, i know i like it (most of the time) if someone makes an effort to say a fellow type neighbourl thing however i will think twice next time incase whatever i was going to say could be taken out of context/twisted. mumbling - it's not fucking rude, you are miserable as he was

MumblingRagDoll Sun 26-Jun-11 19:40:40

It is hard if you have an eating disorder...ALL of your reactions around food are warped. I suffered from Anorexia for years and still battle with it daily. As a result of my illness I don't like people looking at me eat or commenting on it...I see that other people without disorders think it's fine to do this...the man...being so oveweight also has a disorder...and as I say it distorts your thinking.

ChairOfTheBored Sun 26-Jun-11 19:42:24

He sounds rude to me. Perhaps the heat had addled his mind?

paisleyII Sun 26-Jun-11 19:44:29

mumbling - fair point, i take it back, actually i re-read your initial comment and i wondered if you had/had had an eating issue, if i look at it like that then he probably thought i was having a dig, i feel awful now and i was only being friendly, i'll keep my mouth shut infuture re food anyway.

MumblingRagDoll Sun 26-Jun-11 19:44:43

I x posted with you OP....and you don't seem that friendly and bubbly to me....not if you start wearing and calling people miseable as SOON as they disagree with you.

MumblingRagDoll Sun 26-Jun-11 19:45:22

I cross posted again! Sorry. It's a sensitive subject you see. smile No offence.

CaptainBizarro Sun 26-Jun-11 19:45:30

I'm a friendly, chatty sort, but I also think there is something - perhaps oddly - rude about commenting on food. Don't ask me why - i have no rational explanation!

I'd perhaps focus on the weather the next time you meet someone chowing down public.

BimboNo5 Sun 26-Jun-11 19:47:52

I also think commenting on peoples food is a bit well- personal really?

paisleyII Sun 26-Jun-11 19:53:28

people can often do/say something spare of the moment which is what i did. had i have premeditate the situ then i probably wouldn't have said anything ie seen his weight etc and thought he might take it the way he did, i just didn't think, i won't make that mistake again. i don't exactly make a habit of commenting to strangers about their food, probably never have before, it was meant in the vein of 'isn't it hot today, i could really do with some icecream' that sort of comment. i have met some fantastic people over the years being quite outgoing and talkign to people (i don't always talk to strangers, just sometimes) whereas dh is quite closed off and never really talks to anyone. ie i was crossing the road the other day, there was a frail looking man with a walking stick waiting to cross the same road as me, i gave it thought, should i ask him if he would like some help or would he take offence, this time i DID give it thought and ended up asking him, he was (fortunately) very grateful for my offer although declined but i know, he could have been pissed off my asking, i will still ask someone old if they need help and risk offending them in certain situ's as it is better to offer help someone may actually need than worry about my feelings (although this ain't exactly the same thing, i have gone off at a tangent. mumble - i am sorry for swearing at you, didn't mean it, i backed down when i read your second post and understand smile

BluddyMoFo Sun 26-Jun-11 19:54:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

celticlassie Sun 26-Jun-11 19:57:08

He was being a grumpy bugger, for whatever reason, justified or not. Keep being nice, OP. smile

prettybird Sun 26-Jun-11 20:10:38

Sometimes you just can't win. I'd have done the some as you - but then, I'm Scottish and we tend to acknowledge people and strike up conversations even with strangers (everyone is a stranger until you talk to them for the first time).

It's his problem (or issue - taking MumblingRagDoll's point) not yours.

Much better to be friendly and risk being snubbed than to live in a cocoon not acknowledging others.

paisleyII Sun 26-Jun-11 20:14:49

thanks pretty but i am due on and hormones and lingering, i actually feel really quite bad - i can be unintentionally a bit of a 'larry david' sometimes and can be overly forward/outspoken sometimes, getting myself into trouble. my worst by far was chatting to a mum at the school gate in the early years and i made the BIG mistake (will NEVER do this again) of asking her when she was due as she looked totally pg, she wasn't bloody pg was she, that is nearly as bad as it gets, thank the lord she smiled and laughed and though it was really funny, i don't, i'll NEVER make that mistake again...

prettybird Sun 26-Jun-11 20:22:34

I've done that to, to friends of my uncle in SOuth Africa (so that we only ever see them every couple of years). I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I swear she didn't look even 6 months - she looked at least 8 months gone! blushblushblush

I now need to be told by the person herself and/or two independent witnesses and/or for her to go into labour in front of me before I even acknowledge that a baby might be imminent! wink

Truckrelented Sun 26-Jun-11 20:28:03

Did he eat the chip on his shoulder as well?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sun 26-Jun-11 20:31:19

Perhaps he was sitting there, eating ice cream and he had a group of lads walk past and hurl abuse at him, and then he had a woman walk her dog past him and sneer at him, and then he had a couple of girls walk past and snigger at him...

and then you walked past and commented.

An innocent comment from your pov, but maybe he didn't interpret it that way. Perhaps rather than being miserable or grumpy or unreasonable, he had faced the barrage of insults that any fat person faces if they dare to be seen to eat or drink anything in public.

And maybe he thought your remark was yet another one.

paisleyII Sun 26-Jun-11 20:36:04

themag, i know, i know, i feel terrible now, what was an innocent friendly passing comment as his ice cream did look good has now been disected due to his comment and i feel bloody awful - all i saw was someone enjoying some bloody ice cream and i was acknowledging that but i can see it from his pov now and i feel bloody awful. i didn't see it coming, in hindsight i was a bloody stupid cow

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sun 26-Jun-11 20:53:54

No. No you weren't.

You were an innocent, friendly person for whom his weight was not an issue and who saw nothing to criticise in him eating an ice cream.

It is unfortunate - more than unfortunate, shitty - that people can be hammered so much that they are cowering, just waiting for that next attack.

But that is still not your fault.

paisleyII Sun 26-Jun-11 21:22:39

thanks themag, that makes me feel a bit better but i have definately learnt from this. i used to do ballet years ago, after work, and i was friendly with a girl who had (quite severe) anorexia, she was terribly thin and always wondered around the changing room with a tupperware with lettuce in, people would snigger, i have also experienced people taking the piss when they see someone overweight eating a donought - i guess it makes people who belittle someone deliberately better about themselves, my take on it is that if someone is happy with their life they don't feel the need to be bitchy to someone else - i was (don't laugh) unintentionally involved in a cult millions of years ago but one of the things they preached that i really believe was this, if someone is happy they don't feel the need to be horrible to someone who hasn't been horrible to them.

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