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to keep my DD away from step father-in-law whom i dont trust

(79 Posts)
smallveg Sat 25-Jun-11 21:06:15

I have name changed for this and apologies if it is a long post.

the situation is that my dp's mum died recently - very unexpectedly and suddenly. She had 4 kids , with dp being the closest geograpically. it has been a pretty horrible time since she died and both dp and DD (4) have been distraught. DD spent every wednesday afternoon with her gran and it was a really special time in the week for them.

She was married (3rd hubby) to a man we have only superficially known for a few years. I never particularly liked him - hes a very angry man, full of the 'isms' and is always ranting about something. He is a very heavy drinker and was abusive to his wife. She called the police a couple of times because of this. He would openly insult her in front of us and in front of DD who absolutely loved her gran. I always intervened and would not allow comments like that from him, which he took as an insult to him.

I know nothing of his background - his previous life etc prior to him meeting DPs mum in 2006. He has always wanted to be a part of DDs life, which tbh I have never felt that comfortable about as i feel most times we have been in his company - he has not respected our 'rules.'
An example is a few weeks before her death when we were visiting, i was really uncomfortable with the way he was with dd. He kept asking her to come upstairs alone with him, taking her aside to give her chocolate in secret and telling her that her mum was silly and a spoilsport. It was his attitude that bugged me and after i had specifically said to him that i did not dd going upstairs without me, i found him standing at the top of the stairs calling out to her to come up and see him. At the time, i was angry but also confused as to why he wanted her on his own. I did say that if there was anything he wanted to show or tell her - it could be done downstairs with the others. He was not happy with this and we left after he told dd (in front of me )that her mum was a stuck up f***king cunt who deserved a good slapping.

this is not an isolated incident of him wanting to get her on his own - either outside to the shed, into the bathroom or upstairs but whilst he would usually sulk about my saying no - this time he went ape.

Fastforward a few weeks. His wife has died and its all a bit crap. he is ringing me up drunk every couple of nights saying that my dd is the only thing keeping him going, he wants her to come and visit / stay overnight and he wants to take over the wednesday afternoons. his mother whom i have only met a couple of times during the funeral etc has also rang me up saying that i have no right to keep him from DD.

i dont trust this man, i know very little of him and what i have seen shows him in my eyes to be abusive and controlling. Not the kind of man I want in her life.

am i being paranoid / unreasonable to actually never want this jumped up wee terrier of a man anywhere near my child??

pudding25 Sat 25-Jun-11 21:09:14

I wouldn't let an animal near him never mind my DD. Tell him to get to hell.

flamegirl77 Sat 25-Jun-11 21:09:46


BelleDameSansMerci Sat 25-Jun-11 21:11:04

You're not being paranoid. Trust your instincts. Why on earth would you want to leave your DD alone with a man who drinks too much and uses language no child should really hear - let alone hear it applied to her mother?

I say steer well clear. You owe him nothing.

Please don't let "good manners" or what someone might think leave your DD in a vulnerable position.

Portofino Sat 25-Jun-11 21:12:04

Why would you even consider the idea?

mamalovesmojitos Sat 25-Jun-11 21:12:09

Stay well away. YADNBU. At all what a nasty man.

Mare11bp Sat 25-Jun-11 21:13:51

YADNBU. Trust your instincts, he sounds awful, cut him out of your life if you have to. He sounds like a very unpredictable and erratic man

StayFrosty Sat 25-Jun-11 21:14:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vigglewiggle Sat 25-Jun-11 21:15:03

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I would trust your instincs. What does your DP think about it all? If he is in agreement then I can't see any real problem with withdrawing any contact from this man.

LunaticFringe Sat 25-Jun-11 21:15:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smallveg Sat 25-Jun-11 21:17:47

Portofino - i am not considering the idea but i guess wanted some affirmation of my instincts.

Dp is 100% behind this and whilst it will not change my mind - it is interesting to hear dp's siblings reactions to him. They never gave him the time of day while she was alive and only met him twice before the funeral but somehow now - they feel that he needs supported through this time of grief. easy for them to say when they are 100's of miles away and in reality expect this support to come form dp and myself.

TBH - the only thing positive out of dp mums death was the potential to no longer have him around.

LadyGok Sat 25-Jun-11 21:17:49

I wouldn't be polite and tell the sod to fuck off actually. But thats me. You owe him nothing.

Stick to your guns and refuse.

No YADNBU in every sense.

troisgarcons Sat 25-Jun-11 21:19:23

Gut instinct. always the best indicator.

V sorry about your MIL ..... but this man is nothing to you and your family.

hairfullofsnakes Sat 25-Jun-11 21:19:35

Did you ever really think about doing this? Keep away, away, away! Cut all contact! When your dd went to stay was he there too? Do you have any worries about those times that anything untoward happened?

Get a restraining order if you need to but get this man out of your life.

jan123 Sat 25-Jun-11 21:20:59

No no no...tell him to piss off....sounds like a nasty piece of work....

Madinitials Sat 25-Jun-11 21:21:41

Trust your instincts, I have this sort of situation with someone close to me and refuse to leave my DCs with him though I cannot explain to DH why.

YANBU, don't leave her with him.

IDrinkFromTheirSkulls Sat 25-Jun-11 21:21:45

YANBU. I actually would go so far as to tell him that he's acting suspiciously if he ever tried to take dd upstairs again!

In fact I think I would stop seeing him altogether, especially after he called you that!

Onemorning Sat 25-Jun-11 21:23:01

YANBU. He sounds as creepy as hell.

OTheHugeManatee Sat 25-Jun-11 21:23:43

YANB at all U. He sounds creepy at the very least, if not a potential abuser. You're doing absolutely the right thing keeping your DD away from him.

OneHelluvaBroad Sat 25-Jun-11 21:24:33

he sounds abusive and vile. I wouldnt even bring my children around him, let alone leave them with him for a second.

smallveg Sat 25-Jun-11 21:25:36

HFOS - he was never there on a wednesday. he travels alot with his work or looking for work so was away mid-week. she has never been on her own with him and right from she was born - it was both dps & my agreed plan to keep his contact with her to a minimum. he has probably only seen her about 20 times in her life.

when he rings asking to see her - i have just said no but havent actually stated the full reasons why. whilst i dont like confrontation and dont relish the thought of telling the man the truth - i know it has to be done.

DogsBestFriend Sat 25-Jun-11 21:25:54

"he told dd (in front of me )that her mum was a stuck up f***king cunt who deserved a good slapping."

THAT is enough to give you reason to tell him that he's a cunt and to cut him out completely. No if's, no but's, you need no other reason.

edam Sat 25-Jun-11 21:26:29

He's violent, he's a drunk, he's secretive, he makes repeated underhand attempts to get your dd on his own, he uses abusive language about you to your dd...

This isn't about instinct, this is about a man who may as well be standing in the town centre wearing a sandwich board proclaiming 'dangerous to women and children'. Your dh's siblings are nuts - ignore them, they clearly have no interest in keeping your dd safe. You do.

tazmin Sat 25-Jun-11 21:26:42

if anyone used that language to me or my children, i would never ever set foot near them again and nor would the kids

no way

purplepidjin Sat 25-Jun-11 21:27:43

He can fuck the fuckity fuck right out of your life and when he gets there he dance the fuckdango.

He has lost any right to sympathy the minute he undermined you in front of your daughter.


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