To ask my OH to stop smoking...

[1Catherine1]

Sometimes when people post on this board they are quite sure what the response they're going to get is but in this case I really don't think it is that simple. My OH smokes and I don't. His smoking is only now starting to irritate me. I'm thinking of asking him to stop but I might just be being a bit selfish.

Reasons I shouldn't ask him
My OH was a smoker when I met him over 3 years ago, he has always made it clear that it is something he enjoys and he doesn't want to quit. He claims it is his one little pleasure.

Reasons I want him to
Firstly, and my strongest argument, we have a DD who is 13 weeks old. Although he doesn't smoke in the house he does come in smelling of smoke and is occasionally his reasoning for why he can't have DD when I need a break. He also belongs to the group of smokers that believe if they smoke outside near the baby it is safe.
My second argument is the cost. His habit costs us approximately £250 a month. He is also a big spender and likes to treat himself to nice (read expensive) things. This year he has already treated himself to a camera (~£250) and an exercise bike (£200) as where I have only treated myself to some new clothes (~£40) after I realized all my old ones were stretched and the reason a woman asked when my baby was due . So basically I'm jealous he gets so much more of our income for personal use (I regard it as a luxury and he regards it as a necessary expense) than I do and I'm angry that we could easily have a better standard of living if he'd quit. Next week we're going on holiday but this will be our last for a couple of years but we could sure afford another if he didn't spend that money.

Should I speak to him about it or am I just being unreasonable as this is the man I met. Am I asking him to change who he is? WWYD?

[worraliberty]

You chose to have a baby with a smoker so I think YABU to expect him to stop until he's ready. Addictions don't tend to work that way...it's far easier to give up when he wants to.

YANBU to ask him to stop spending money like a kid in a sweetshop if you can't afford it as a family.

[Crossssssshairs]

My DP smokes and I dont. I wouldn't ask him to quit as he has always smoked and has no interest in stopping.

If these things really bother you, discuss them with him and try to come to some sort of compromise?

[deliciousdevilwoman]

To be honest, as a fellow (non smoker) I am surprised you got with him in the first place, let alone tolerated it for 3 years without asking him to give up. I grew up in a household of smokers, and whilst I am generally "live and let live" I couldn't date/live with a smoker.

I think you have 2 good reasons for asking him to stop-the baby and the expense. You could offer to support him to quit. The money could go towards a fab holiday or some other joint goal. There is sooo much support out there. My sis has quit via the NHS support after 25 years and many failed attempts in the past.

[Glitterknickaz]

It is his habit, it is his decision to quit.
Nobody can force him to do that.

If being a smoker is so unacceptable maybe you shouldn't have gone there in the first place?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

YANBU to think quitting smoking would be a good idea. No brainer. But YABU to think it's going to happen. You've got together with a smoker and, like all addicts, they will not see their 'one little pleasure' as a problem in the slightest. If you now make him stop, you will always and forever be the bad-guy ... even if, on the surface, he quits voluntarily. By all means discuss it but be prepared to be knocked back and disappointed.

[moominmarvellous]

I encouraged DH to stop smoking once we'd had children because the bottom line is I don't want him to die. If he died of a smoking related illness, as well as obviously being distraught, I'd be pissed off with him for continuing to smoke knowing it is highly likely that it will lead to a premature death.

And I say it both as a former smoker, and as someone who lost a parent at a v young age due to cancer caused by smoking. I'm angry with that parent for choosing fags over a life with me and my siblings, which is why I stopped and why I asked DH to stop too.

Views can change once you've had children, on alot of subjects.

[Bonitas]

There are 2 issues here - his smoking and his spending.

Stopping smoking has to be his decision but I don't think it's unreasonable to talk to him about cutting down on both.

[LadyThumb]

Get him to smoke roll-ups (will cut down on cost), or get him an E-Cig for his birthday (will help him stop). But I think you are onto a loser to be honest!

[GrimmaTheNome]

'one little pleasure' that costs £250 a month and could kill him, or lead to years of ill health (bronchitis etc)? Bit suprised that wasn't your #1 reason.

Smoking isn't 'who he is'. Its something bloody daft and expensive that he does. Being an addict may at this point be part of who he is, but not a part anyone ought to feel an obligation to tolerate unchallenged.

[fishandlilacs]

not a chance in hell you saying anything will make the blindest bit of difference.

My dh is in the process of givig up but only now he's finally got bored of it and money is extremely tight, he'd rather free up the cash for something else. Me saying anything 14 years ago when we got together or ever since woud have only made him smoke more.

[GrimmaTheNome]

To be sure, he won't change unless he genuinely wants to - but YANBU to ask, certainly you're not the selfish one in this.

If you ask, and tell him you will do anything you can to support him if he tries to quit, it might give him the shove he needs. No harm in asking, surely?

[Omigawd]

£250/month on fags - that's about a 30 a day habit by my calculation - is it really so much? If so I think YANBU to ask him to cut down, for his own health never mind the cost - but YABU to ask him to stop, and you knew what you were letting yourself in for.

YANBU to ask that some money is diverted to DC/you.

[pointydog]

Ask him by all means. But it is very unlikely he'll say 'ok then'.

[lookbutdonttouch]

You knew he smoked when got together, I assume he hasn't indicated a desire to quit before? YABU to expect him to suddenly do it now just because you asked.

However you now have a family and need to agree on what's best for the baby... And you all.

YADefNBU to discuss with him, and expect efforts to be made about , smoking near, inc outside and then not helping with the baby.

The cost is clearly ott...

An entirely separate point is his other spending which YANBU about if the finances do not allow.

[rainbowinthesky]

I agree with the poster who was surprised you got together with a smoker. GOing out with smokers didnt bother me in my teens but no way would I have married one and had dc together.
To spend £250 a month you must be well off or something is seriously wrong.

Yabu to ask him to stop and it's pointless unless it comes from him.

[jeckadeck]

I'm going to go against the grain here, I'm married to a smoker and I nag him constantly about it. I know nagging puts stress on a relationship and can be counterproductive in the short term but I think if you want someone to stop you should tell them. Its hard to keep that sort of thing to yourself. I want my DH to stop purely for health reasons, as opposed to financial ones, it scares me to think of him getting lung cancer. I am grown up enough to know that it will probably take a long time before he quits, and I don't nag him about it all the time but I'm buggered if I'm going to just pretend its all OK and I'm hunkydory with it. Also those of you saying "I'm surprised you got together with a smoker", you are kind of missing the point about people not having much control about who they fall in love with. :(

[tigercametotea]

Smoking is a hard one. The smoker has to really want to quit deep down for it to happen. DH has always been a smoker since the days we first met and back then I didn't mind it and was a social smoker myself. Then after the children arrived, I became very anti-smoking, especially in front of the kids. So I tell him to go outside to smoke. But sometimes if we were out with the kids, he'd start puffing up when they were around to see and smell the smoke (though not in enclosed area). And it started to bother me a bit eventually. I told him to please try not to puff up when the kids can see. Isn't there research showing that children are more likely to take up smoking later if their parent(s) smoke? I'm not sure though if parents don't smoke in front of the kids at all, would that somehow make it better. I'm thinking it might. I didn't know/care much about health in my younger days. But motherhood changed me and now I'm trying to live really healthily and its also made me become a bit concerned about DH not quitting. Well, he's taken what I've said on board. Tried a few times to quit - well tbh they were quite feeble attempts, he just went cold turkey, wouldn't go to a health professional for counselling or for nicotine patches... and then he'll be back on smoking in about 2 weeks. Actually I think that's right - he's never succeeded in quitting it for more than 2 weeks at a go. We've had quite a few bad arguments about his smoking in the past and I did think to myself eventually that its his life and I did choose to marry him and have children with him despite him smoking and all that... so if he's really not ready to quit now (or ever) maybe I should just not demand that of him. He's always been willing to heed my "rules" about smoking : never smoke at home or in view of the kids, and he's a great dad to the kids, so that's good enough for me now I suppose. I love him apart from the smoking, but for everything else he's a decent guy. I still hope one day he will stop, but I don't go on about it anymore. Its a bit pointless in my experience. He's got to really want to stop if he's going to stop. No amount of harping on my part will get him to do it.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP and tigercametotea... If you've never been addicted to smoking yourselves, it's impossible to understand the addiction. I used to smoke, I quit by reading Allan Carr's 'Easyway to stop smoking' book. How it's relevant for you is that if you read it, it tells you all you need to know about smoking and how pointless it is (without being judgemental), it takes apart each excuse that smokers use to smoke and shows the excuse for what it is. The method has had amazing success and it helped my Mum stop also - she didn't want to stop smoking, but she stopped after reading the book.

I'd really recommend that you read it, perhaps your partners will also read it out of interest. You'll understand then at the very least and when your partners make their excuses to smoke, you know where they're coming from.

[FabbyChic]

He smoked when you met him now you want him to change? You should have thought about it before you stayed with him and had a child.

If he works he is entitled to smoke.

Get him to change to roll ups cost me £20 a week.

[FabbyChic]

Does he work? and you stay at home? Then he needs more clothes than you because he needs clothes for work

If you want your own money get a job.

[Desiderata]

I'm sure your kid will survive the onslaught.

He won't give up until he's good and ready, believe me.

[Jonnyfan]

I think he is being very selfish, £250 a month is a lot to throw away each month, and he has expensive tastes too. He could quit- maybe hypnosis might help, but of course he has to want to. I do wish you luck. Maybe you could work out how the money could be spent on things which would benefit all of you, and ask him to consider it.

[OurPlanetNeptune]

I have never smoked, I find it disgusting and I hate being around smokers because they do they tend to smell and it makes me gag. That is why I would never have have dated (and married) a smoker. I also understand that smoking is an addiction thus it is almost impossible to make someone stop smoking, they have to want to do it. However, he is stupid to think it is ok to smoke around a baby, even outside.

So you are being YABU to ask him to stop doing it now when you have not complained before, and when he always has smoked...particularly when he stated clearly he would never want to stop.

His spending habits are another matter. Can you afford it? Does he stop you spending money, or is it your choice to spend so little?

[OurPlanetNeptune]

you are being YABU ..oh dear

[1Catherine1]

FYI FabbyChic - I'm the main earner - even while on ML. I am supported by nobody but myself. @ the "get a job" comment. Hence the resentment of him having all the disposable income. Also it was me who recently bought clothes after pregnancy stretched my old ones not him. I do not ever begrudge him buying new clothes for work or home though hence why I didn't mention that.

What set me off today is that it is payday on Monday and I have only £50 left in my account and then he wanted money for cigs and he got annoyed when I told him he'd have to make them last till Monday. We have had an expensive month (bought passport, paid for flights and airport carpark) but running out of money stresses me out and then I consider where it has gone :(

Now I have typed this it has made me see that smoking isn't the issue here. His total disregard for our financial situation is. He has to cut down on the smoking or his luxury items - he just can't have both. We can't afford it. Thank you for your replies.

[still @ the "get a job" comment] like I would tell someone who financially supported me how to spend his money...