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dh wants dds dla to buy a car , i said no.

(109 Posts)
droves Sat 25-Jun-11 15:47:01

Aibu . Dd4 has dla payments because she has autism. Its put into her bank account for when she need something , its kept seperate from family money.

DH works part time, i gave up work to become dds full time carer. He keeps his wages to himself .
I get child tax credits, carers allowence , maintenence payments from ex for oldest 3 kids and child benefit payments. these are used to run the home and buy what the children need & want.
I cover all bills except council tax and maintenence payments to dh`s ex wife.

We had two cars . DH had a zafira , which was bought before i learned to drive , was 8 years old. Some of the cost of his zafira was covered by using dd`d dla, because we desperatly needed a car to take her to her special needs school.It was large enough to take the kids out together. He sold it last week for £2000... more than enough to buy a runabout for himself.

My car is a corsa (was £2500 when bought it), also 8 years old the car was bought because dh would not change the insurance on the zafira ,so i could drive it. I needed to be able to get dd to school , so i used some of her dla to buy it.

Dhs argument is that dla paid for my car , so he should be able to get some again for another car.

I said no , because hes already had some of dds money for his last car , which he got rid of because he said it was costing him tooo much money.Hes never paid back any of the money to dd that hes "borrowed".

My argument is that i got my car because dd needs to be taken to school ....he just wants a flashier car ,with a big engine, more than he can afford...and dd doesnt need a car that will just take her dad to work <30 min walk btw>.

So aibu and mean ? or is dh being a twat.

HuckingFell Sat 25-Jun-11 15:49:47

He is a twat.

Why could he not work full time if he wants a better car. Why does he not contribute more to the household running costs?

amIbeingdaft Sat 25-Jun-11 15:50:27 view might be unpopular,'s disability living allowance, right? I honestly think if you can afford to save it then you shouldn't have it.

droves Sat 25-Jun-11 15:52:14

TBH its not that he doesnt want to work full time , its that hes had no luck in finding full time work.
Part time job , is better than no job.

I dont see why he cant stop smoking and save more of his own money.

MissVerinder Sat 25-Jun-11 15:54:41

AmIbeingdaft? Yes you are.

DLA, is for the child, and TBH, as she is four it should be saved for her, and used for what her mum knows she needs until she is old enough to decide what she can spend it on herself.

OP is saving that money, and her dd might well need it in the future for tuition, special equipment, extra clothing or any one of the other myriad expenses that may occur.

droves Sat 25-Jun-11 15:54:58

Amibeingdaft , yeah i know what you mean , but it is used for when dd4 need stuff , like sensory equipment or special clothes that dont irritate her , or safety gates ect , it not for us to use as we please its dds for her needs iykwim?

duckdodgers Sat 25-Jun-11 15:55:05

Why is everything not done more jointly with finances as a family "he keeps his wages to himself" type of thing may work with a childless couple but I feel rarely works when children are involved - you are all a family.

worraliberty Sat 25-Jun-11 15:55:09

If it's only a 30 minute walk to work, he's a git for not insuring you on the first one anyway.

He doesn't need it for work and you could have used it for the school run.

Sorry but I think he's a selfish arse.

MissVerinder Sat 25-Jun-11 15:55:16

OP, YANBU. I forgot to say!

tazmin Sat 25-Jun-11 15:55:42

could you not get full time job while he cares for child?

if you can afford to save, smoke and only work p/t, i would say you are getting too much in benefits quite frankly

benefits are there to be a safety net

droves Sat 25-Jun-11 15:56:05

or nappies .... big nappies are expensive .

NettoSuperstar Sat 25-Jun-11 15:57:15

Why are you arguing over his and hers money if you are a family?

Can you not sit down and decide how best to use the money to benefit all of you?

I'm currently applying for DLA, in my name, as it's me with the disability but it'll be family money, used to help me but will no doubt benefit DD too.

BertieBotts Sat 25-Jun-11 15:57:21

daft - no it doesn't work quite like that. It's to cover extra expenses which you might come across due to your (or your child's) disability. These aren't so much everyday living expenses but bigger one offs, like if you needed to take a taxi somewhere because a bus route was not accessible (as a random example).

Glitterknickaz Sat 25-Jun-11 15:57:24

amibeingdaft sometimes you need to save the dla for larger things.... dd's preschool fees for example, a term is more than a month's dla, you don't always spend as you go

droves, your dh needs to shut up

Northernlurker Sat 25-Jun-11 15:58:46

DLA is there to assist the disabled person in the extra costs of living incurred by their disability. So the OP is quite right to save it until something is needed for dd. The op's partner does not need a flasher car in order to benefit the dd so he shouldn't be accessing the money.
He sounds pretty awful tbh.

Glitterknickaz Sat 25-Jun-11 15:58:59

tazmin, dla is not a safety net, it is for day to day living
why should the op's dd have HER money spent on family things?

Alibabaandthe80nappies Sat 25-Jun-11 16:01:39

So hang on - you are paying all the costs of running your home etc etc with tax credits and maintenance from your ex.

What is your DH contributing to the family pot? Anything?

amIbeingdaft Sat 25-Jun-11 16:01:52

Droves, thanks for not biting my head off, I see what you man and that's exactly what I think it should be used for.

Misssverinder, I agree that the DLA should be used by the parents to buy what the child needs, it's just the saving of it I don't agree with, iyswim. I think that about all benefits, by the way, not being 'disablist'. I just think that any state benefits are there to help people get by, and if you can get by without them then perhaps there's someone more in need than you are. I'm not meaning to 'benefit bash'...I also think that if the OPs daughter needs things in the future then there should be money for that then.

By the way OP, YANBU. £2000 is more than enough for a reasonable car, and your DDs money should be for her needs, not your DHs wants. If you were saying he couldn't afford a car at all, then I'd argue that he could use the DLA as he has to work to support his family, but that's not the case.

amIbeingdaft Sat 25-Jun-11 16:03:15

Those who pointed out about the 'big one offs'...yeah, I take your point.

droves Sat 25-Jun-11 16:03:52

I have been saving dds money for her use. She has about £800 now and we were hoping to get her some extra speach therapy <private>, her nhs salt doesnt see her as much now , and dd has hit a plataue iykwim ? and a balance bike .

Riveninside Sat 25-Jun-11 16:03:57

He is sounding like a lodger and not a partner and father with his 'keeping his money to himself'

Glitterknickaz Sat 25-Jun-11 16:04:03

Fair dos... but sometimes equipment for people with disabilities can be expensive and can necessitate saving the DLA.
I do think droves' husband should support his current family more financially, he obviously does his first family. The DDs DLA is not for that.

michglas Sat 25-Jun-11 16:05:10

He sounds like a selfish twat and I can't see why you are with him, as he sounds like a right good for nothing who doesn't contribute and wants everything his way.

Blu Sat 25-Jun-11 16:05:18

He keeps his wages to himself.
He refused to let you go on the insurance for a car bought partly out of your dd's DLA
He got rid of the only car which actually fit the whole family in
Although a family of 4 children and 2 adults are managing on benefits and one p/t job he wants to spend DLA on a big flash expensive car, which will have increased insurance, tax and running costs?

He sounds so selfish and genuinely twat-like that I don't think the issue can just be about the DLA for his next car.

But, whereas it is reasonable to put the DLA towards a car which the family need in order to transport your dd, it isn't reasonable for him to think he can boost his personal set of wheels with money intended to cover the consderable costs of having a disabled child.

Glitterknickaz Sat 25-Jun-11 16:06:14

Tbh op you'd be financially better off without him. He'd also be forced to contribute to the family finances with CSA.

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