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to be fuming at my dd's friend's mum re: not sharing/wrongly insinuating my daughter lied

(28 Posts)
nettlefairy Fri 24-Jun-11 20:48:32

Here's the background: I've always taught my dd (6) to share and her best school friend has been over for several playdates where my dd has shared everything except on one occassion a new beloved toy which I then put away to avoid fights. Her friend was in angry tears for a long time afterwards. She also always asks to borrow toys and has a fit if my dd says no (although she always offers a replacement if the toy is too precious to lend). From what I've seen her mum never says "no" to her and even has to hide returned borrowed toys to me in case her daughter gets upset etc...soooo...we are in the playground this week and my daughter is holding her new cuddly toy which she had asked me to bring to pick up. They are all in the park and her friend asks to play with it, my dd lets her play for 5 mins and then takes it back - lots of tears. She comes running to her mum, sitting sobbing on her lap for 10 minutes saying "but sharing is IMPORTANT" etc and her mother says "yes, well it IS nice to share but...ahem" - you get the type of thing. I feel really frustrated hearing this, particulary as this isn't even a playdate and given her own record of sharing (not good). She was also still going on about the toy I'd put away at the playdate and her mum was just comforting her. I had to say something and reminded her about her finding sharing difficult herself. I decided to put the toy away again to avoid upset and then near home time, my dd asked for another play and said that the deal was that she could as long as she let her friend have a short play first. She agreed and ran off to her. She soon returned saying "she didn't accept the deal" and I told her that she could then go off with her toy - at which point the girl's mum muttered "that seems unlikely". When I asked her what she meant she said "I think it's unlikely she would have said no, if asked" - implying that my daughter had lied (not one of her faults). I waited for my daughter to return and asked her again if she'd offered her doll first to her friend and why her friend had said no and she told me that her friend thought it was unfair as she should have exactly the same time with the doll as her. I then told the mum that I wasn't surprised that my dd had been telling the truth, as I wanted to highlight the fact that this is what was being implied. Am I being unreasonable for thinking that I was bending over backwards to accommodate a spoilt child and a mother who thinks she should have whatever she wants....I've been fuming ever since so feedback would be appreciated and sorry for the novel!!

mercibucket Fri 24-Jun-11 20:54:19

not quite the same thing but
if my children don't share something with each other, like their sweets, then the next time it comes to sharing, I remind them that last time their brother or sister wouldn't share theirs and say 'I'd think about whether you want to share with someone who won't share with you - your decision' (in front of the non-sharing child)
I don't want my kids to be walked all over - even by each other. sharing is all well and good but not if it's a one way street

Jonnyfan Fri 24-Jun-11 20:55:31

I don't know where you get the energy to fume over something as unimportant.

griphook Fri 24-Jun-11 20:56:55

jonnyfan, just what I was thinking

toomanyopinions Fri 24-Jun-11 20:58:58

They both have a touch of 'the princesses' about them going by this snippet! Hard to swallow but you're doing the right thing and your daughter will be a better woman for it. Have had one-sided sharing so many times with friends children and always whisper in my childrens' ears "don't worry Santa saw", follewd by a 'secret' pinkie handshake!

activate Fri 24-Jun-11 20:59:23

you're too involved in it all

no toys should leave your house ever - make it a rule that friends can play when they come round but not take anything away even if DD says they can you say they can't

sharing is fine but special things don't need to be shared

avoid getting involved - do not fume at 6 year olds

valiumredhead Fri 24-Jun-11 20:59:58

Arghhhh YABU on the grounds my eyes hurt after reading that with no paragraphs! grin

Sharing is vastly over rated imo wink

Lamp the sill cow one next time she starts and be done with it! Life is too short!

( I agree with you btw but don't waste your energy fuming about it )

hugeleyoutnumbered Fri 24-Jun-11 21:00:08

YANBU seems the little angel can do no wrong in mummy's eyes.

I would avoid this little charmer like the plague, difficult when your DC always insist on being friends with the one little monster child that you want to avoid grin

I would keep play dates simple park or neutral ground where the issue of who can play with what doesn't present itself, but to be honest I would want to avoid mummy too, lest I tell her what I really think.

toomanyopinions Fri 24-Jun-11 21:00:30

She's hardly 'fuming'! Every post will be mundane to some and strike a chord with others!

valiumredhead Fri 24-Jun-11 21:00:50

I agree about no toys leaving the house.

hugeleyoutnumbered Fri 24-Jun-11 21:01:42

grin @ valiumredhead

valiumredhead Fri 24-Jun-11 21:01:43

Err she says she's fuming in the title of the thread confused

thisisyesterday Fri 24-Jun-11 21:02:24

tbf the OP did say she was fuming in the last sentence

toomanyopinions Fri 24-Jun-11 21:04:07

Sorry! That'll teach me to skim read! Withdrawn!

thisisyesterday Fri 24-Jun-11 21:06:13


twooter Fri 24-Jun-11 21:08:14

As a child, I had a friend who used to take and keep my toys, so I've told my dc that they are not allowed to lend toys( unless they are desperate to). This way they can blame me for not lending stuff, and it stops them from feeling pressurised into lending something when they are unhappy with the situation

FabbyChic Fri 24-Jun-11 21:09:13

I have to say that sharing toys is a pita, generally they get broken and those you share them with never share theirs. I used to hide all my kids good toys after some kept getting broken and not replaced.

cat64 Fri 24-Jun-11 21:11:44

Message withdrawn

WhoAteMySnickers Fri 24-Jun-11 21:12:01

Tell the mother that you'll happily share your DD's toys if she (the mother) is willing to share her car/house/husband with you for a few hours.

Elizadoesdolittle Fri 24-Jun-11 21:15:31

This sharing lark is a difficult one. I think I go the other way with my DD, I am so keen to teach her how to share that quite often the other child will get to play with whatever it is my DD wants to play with and she then misses out. I don't want her to be a walk over either though!

One of my friends DD has issues with sharing and the tantrums can be quite something. As some others have suggested, we try to keep play dates to outside without toys and this is working well so far. Goodness knows what we will do when the weather is bad.

I don't think it's something you should get so het up about. It's not nice for this woman to have implied your DD is a liar but you know the truth. I would just relish the fact that your DD obviously has better manners than hers.

nettlefairy Fri 24-Jun-11 21:18:08

ha ha -grin point taken about it being a really silly thing to get worked up about. I think I'm on MN to rant as I know my friends/hubby would think it a mountain out of a molehile and tell me to get a life. Despite this - it seems to have really got my goat. Think it was because I really do find sorting out these sharing issues with kids stressful and exhausting as I want to be fair and don't want to play favourites with my daughter and so I find it hard when others don't return the favour.

cat64 Fri 24-Jun-11 21:21:04

Message withdrawn

WhoAteMySnickers Fri 24-Jun-11 21:34:01

Children learn soon enough themselves that if they don't share then other children might not want to play with them.

My DS knows that if the children in our close have come to play with him in our garden and he doesn't let them take a turn on the trampoline or the swing they will get bored of standing there watching him and go and play elsewhere.

Let them find their own way with this.

TheFrogs Fri 24-Jun-11 21:34:58

No lending or borrowing allowed here at all, problem solved! grin

Jonnyfan Fri 24-Jun-11 21:35:27

Yeah, chill Fairy and have a soothing Friday glass of wine! It helps to have a rant though smile

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