getting upset over my mums comments?(9 Posts)
Hi - first post but I desperately need some advice from someone...
Today my other half and I went out with my mum, but this outing has led to a falling out between my mum and me when she said we do not give my ds enough freedom, thats why he plays us up. I followed this up when I got home with a text to say the comment had upset me - to which she responded with a phone call telling me her and my dad think we are far too strict on ds (who is almost 4) to the point of being abusive! I asked what we had done to make her think this - we had not let ds hold my mums hand in a shop because he was getting hyperactive (which he does frequently and we try to deal with this by being strict on him) and my partner took him outside for a while to calm down. We had lunch before and he grabbed a boiling hot metal teapot from under her nose and hurt his hand, kept jumping up and down and knocking into the table, eating ketchup out of the condiments bowl, ignoring me when I spoke to him - nothing major but just a lot of little things that I wanted to keep him calm before he hurt himself.
I am heartbroken by what she has said. I try so hard to be strict but fair with him because he IS a handful - am I wrong?
He's your DS so it's down to you how your wish to raise him. But perhaps if you're taking him places where you feel you always have to control him, she's only seeing you constantly having to tell him off etc IYSWIM....
You are not at fault. Your mother is clearly not understanding. Would it be possible (or advisable) to let her look after your son for a short period? Perhaps then she would understand the issues? How far away do you live?
This is a very common thing - each generation believes they did it better - it will settle...but you need to talk to here about it....
It does sound like you are only trying to keep him safe, however if you're too strict then he will probably be trying to push against that to have some freedom. It depends on whether he is really hyperactive, or an averagely lively four year old.
Would holding your Mum's hand have calmed him down? Sometimes somebody other than the parent can have better success in calming down little ones.
She is wearing her granny goggles. My Mum wears them. Ds1 was on the swing and kicked ds2 off his feet as he played on the patio. Of course I was on the phone to her at the time. As I told ds1 off for not facing in the other direction like I had told him twice and to be careful she was defending him, even though she could hear ds2 crying. She then said oh well I guess ds2 will be okay. She can see no wrong until ds1 is outrageous. You have to set boundaries because your ds is your responsibility not hers. She is there for fun and indulging. No-one will know your ds as well as you and if (I mean when) my dss behave like that I tell them not to. I also notice the little wind up things my ds2 (just 4) does that others don't. It is okay for her to question even though a more sympathetic approach would have been better. My Mum told me I favoured my ds2. This really hurt me as I don't. When she does it again just think granny goggles. You know in your heart that you were right to set boundaries. If you don't tell your ds not to eat ketchup out of the condiments bowl who will?
You need to call her back, thank her for her input and tell her that you understand that she's got your DS's best interests at heart.
Follow that up by saying that you have had a think about how you manage your DS's behaviour and, on reflection, you feel that it is important for him to have firm boundaries in order to be safe and feel secure. Explain how hurtful it is to be accused of being abusive and explain that you have thought through the methods you use and there is a reason for what you are doing.
Hopefully hearing that you have listened and reflected on her comments will be enough. If she pushes it further remind her that your DS is not a carbon copy of her own children and you need to be allowed to parent in the way that works for you and your family. Tell her that if she continues to be openly critical your relationship with her will suffer and you don't want that to happen.
thank you all for your advise! I hate hate hate arguing with my mum, even though I'm a real-life grown up she still scares the crap out of me!!! I never answer back - even when she is really out of order (which I feel she has been this time).
I KNOW that sometimes my DP and I can be too strict on DS. But my mother is so very laid back it makes us look like control freaks. We both suffer from different forms of depression - me bi polar - and my mum has been a big help to us in givng us a break every other week for a couple of nights. DS is allowed to do whatever he pleases whilst in her care and I've not once questioned it because I feel if she is looking after him she can make the rules. I don't criticise what she does even though I think she is far too lax and spoils him rotten. Maybe thats good for him - sometimes. I, as a full time parent, cannot match the attention and freedom he gets with her because he would literally run wild.
DS has no respect for me or DP- he kicks us, screams and shouts at us, even spat on DP the other night when he tried to calm him down for bed. When I told my mother this, her advice -smack him! Thats ok to her but taking him outside a shop to calm down when he starts touching things is abuse??? Am I mad or does it just not make any sense whatsoever?
At the end of the day I suppose we all do our best don't we? We just want our angels to grow up as rounded as possible - I adore my DS all I want for him is the best advantage in life.
Thanks everyone your comments have made me feel loads better
Funnily enough my parents also seem to think that a smack is less traumatic and more effective than being sent out of the room to calm down. They have no idea of the feelings I harbour from my own childhood about them raising their hands to me.
I think you're right not interfere with how your mum cares for your DS but at the same time she needs to accept that your parenting style is your choice too.
Good luck. I hope you can work things out nice and quickly.
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