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to be totally wound up and pissed off....very very very long story (sorry)

(290 Posts)
Stars82 Fri 24-Jun-11 16:32:03

Ok I need to set the scene for ya

I work in the care industry, we are often subjected to many forms of abuse (not just from those we are care for either) We get bitten, scratched, sworn at, punched, and recieve an abundance of verbal abuse....

I was involved in an incident today which has been playing on my mind at little...

All names have been changed
CAPITALS are used for the raised voices in the convo

Bad timing is a particular bug bare of mine, I detest being late for anything. I arrived at Bett and Bills at 0923 (for a 0930 call)

I went into the house and greeted them in a polite, happy and professional manner only to be greeted back with moans and looks of disgust, general rudeness (not unusual sometimes). The convo is as follows

Bill: You are very early stars
Me: only 5 minutes, my sheet say 0930
Bill: (huffs and pants, clearly pissed off) It is meant to be 0945 on a Friday
Me: honestly Bill I am not lying (shows my sheet)
Bill: Don't care what it says on there it is 0945, Our breakfast is going to be ruined now
Me: sorry bill but seen as I don;t come here regulary I am unaware of betts particular timings, I just follow my sheet. I will wait until 0930 and if 2nd carer doesn't arrive I will call office and wait in the car (getting a little wound up at this point)

at this point 2nd carer walks in to more groans and huffs etc

Bill: here's another one that is too early
2nd Carer: Sorry????
Bill: you are not meant to be here until 0945 (very angry now)
2nd Carer: my sheet also states 0930 Bill....
Bill: I'm not having this I'm going to eat upstairs.....
Me: I will go outside and call office
2nd Carer: (reminds bill of timings policy etc)
2nd carer: well it clearly does bill
Me: right I am going to call office
Me: well yu are clearly annoyed at something that has been way beyond our control bill and I feel I need to talk to the office. You are being very rude and aggress
2nd carer: you are bill

We then go outside, inform office to be told that Bill has a reputation for being extremely hostile, to try to do what we can, and remember we are not paid to take abuse of any kind. The office will call Bill

We return....

Me: Bill the office are going to call you
Bill: well don't bother
Bill: you ahve totally ruined our breakfast...(has a rant about nurses and timings and other appts)
Me: again Bill I am NOT physic
Bill: just stop talking, you are delaying breakfast even further
Me: hang on a minute, this has been a two way convo, we are both delaying breakfast
2nd carer: bill there is not need to be so rude
Bett: (to me) and you turned up at 0920!!!!
Me: I actually turned up at 0923, and in all the times I have been to you Bett, I have always been either on time or very slightly early and not ONCE have you ever said that you didn;t like it. I have even turned up to find a carer has already started and again noting has been said. You can't pick and chose when you feel it is going to be acceptable to accept a carer early!!!!!
Bett: OH JUST SHUT UP!!!! (also has rep for being rude and nasty at times)
Me: and we don;t get paid enoughto take ANY FORM OF ABUSE
Bill: right thats it

Bill moves in to grab my arm which I doige

Bill: go on and get out
Me: I am more than happy to leave but DO NOT TOUCH ME, I have no objections being asked to leave but you will not lay a finger on me

We both get our things and head to door, at this point bill panics..
bill: no 2nd carer you can stay
2nd Carer: no bill this has also involved me, you have been rude to me and I havebeen involved in this arguement, If we leave we both leave I have also said my fair share today

Called office etc etc

AIBU to think that this situation is totally out of order?? I feel really wound up by it and I keep replaying it in my head sad

I am always polite and professional and have a good rep at work and feel that this will cast a shadow. Totally annoyed

Flisspaps Fri 24-Jun-11 16:34:39

YANBU. Don't feel that it will 'cast a shadow', especially if 'Bill' has a reputation for being rude and nasty.

Stars82 Fri 24-Jun-11 16:37:36

Thank you smile

Maybe I'm just worried, don't want other carers etc thinking I am like that all the time. etc they will no doubt chew all carers ears off about it for the next week which I will eventally hear about it on the good old grapevine smile

bubblecoral Fri 24-Jun-11 16:38:54

It won't cast a shadow, you handled it well.

Unfortunately, you work with people, and people can be buggers sometimes.

Try and remember that Bill and Bett's reaction is not a reflection on anything you did, it's probably more of a reaction to the fact that they need your help in the first place. And the fact that they are grumpy sods.

You will feel better in the morning and when you have had a chance to rant at a few colleagues who have probably also been on the sharp end of Bill's tounge.

Put it down to experience.

Bearcrumble Fri 24-Jun-11 16:39:03

I'm sorry you had to deal with such a miserable and abusive client. I guess he feels like everything is slipping out of his control and tries to assert what little control he can in this sort of incidence. Doesn't excuse his behaviour though.

SunRaysthruClouds Fri 24-Jun-11 16:40:37

Yep - your card is marked - don't do it again.

Actually you ANBU but if everyone filled MN with their shit days at work their servers would give up.

Have a better weekend smile

Catslikehats Fri 24-Jun-11 16:43:43

TBH it sounds like you could have dealt with the situation much better.

Your comments come across as fairly hostile and you could have done a better job of diffusing the situation.

Stars82 Fri 24-Jun-11 16:44:32

true Rays however, I am generally a cheery and very happy person but I didn't want this on my mind all night when I am meant to be enjoying seeing my friends.

To bear and Bubble: I can honestly see your point, I think I was more in shock TBH I can normally have very good convo's with both of them and I have on more than one occasion done things for them inmy own time (drop prescriptions in etc)

Nevermind, like you say...all experience but I am a hoarder, I keep everything in most of the time smile

buzzsore Fri 24-Jun-11 16:44:33

I think you should have waited until 9.30 to go in, tbh.

I know there was no excuse for all the shouting etc, of course.

Pancakeflipper Fri 24-Jun-11 16:44:39

Other carers will suss out after a few visits that Bill and Bett are tricky customers. Don't worry about that. Just keep your integrity.

I don't get Bill and Bett's argument but I guess they feel they need something in their lives to control and feel vunerable and. They probably hate having to have help and take it out on you. Which isn't fair but perhaps you are the only contact they have with the outside world most days?

jenrendo Fri 24-Jun-11 16:44:59

YANBU and thank goodness you had another carer there as a witness to his behaviour. Go and pour yourself a big wine

ImeldaM Fri 24-Jun-11 16:46:55

Agree with bubble

mrsdonkeybucketVAMOSRAFA Fri 24-Jun-11 16:49:40


Have a wine

Stars82 Fri 24-Jun-11 16:50:10


I think I could have said much more...

the reason behind going in early with bett isn't so I can get out early, it's that more often than not they may have the odd extra job or there are extra notes to read etc, as I said in my thread they have never indicated that they don't like you going in even 7 minutes early......

It is a heavy call with alot to do so if I can have an extra 5 mintues (that I won't be paid for) to get ready then I will grab all the time I can

apart from raising my voice when bill when to touch me I think I remained firm and calm throughout but getting my point across at the same time......

If you were faced with a shouting, pointing, swearing , agressive man wouldn't you do the same?

I do completely understand that yes, Bill and Bett still need control of their lives which I could never argue with but dealing with carers that way will only drive us away sad

buzzsore Fri 24-Jun-11 16:57:28

Yes, grabbing the extra five minutes may not seem much to you, but it's for your convenience, not theirs, isn't it? I can understand why they'd find carer's visits an intrusion, despite needing them.

I can also understand why you'd need to keep on schedule and find their extra little jobs a problem, btw. I just can see their source of irritation as well.

IWantWine Fri 24-Jun-11 17:10:03

I think you handled it very well, both of you. Can I ask if you have had any training regarding dealing with abusive and challenging behaviour?

Unfortunately it is par for the course in your line of work and I am sure that all the carers who visit this couple will be very well aware of how they can behave. Just remember they are a minority and the vast number of people you care for really do appreciate you, I am sure.

Stars82 Fri 24-Jun-11 17:10:04

i completely agree Buzz, I do think their frustration was that they had expected an 0945 call, so when we turned up for a 0930 call it knocked them off. I just feel that Bill could have dealt with it better, I did state that I was happy to wait etc smile

I would also like to add that this is a call we do a great deal in, over and above the call of suty and I just wasn;t happy being dealt with in a manner like that, and I will not accept anyone trying to man handle me regardless of their situation smile

Stars82 Fri 24-Jun-11 17:13:47


I did receive training and prior to doing this and before starting I was serving in the forces so I feel I can deal with most things...

Doesn't mean I should accept it thoughsmile

I can handle most things but can't get to grips with abusive people when we are trying to offer a very good service smile

you are also right most of the people are AMAZING and a joy to help smile

MackerelOfFact Fri 24-Jun-11 17:16:24

It must be hard to accept you need care, and that it will be decided upon by an 'office' with 'policies' and 'employees'. It's their home and they probably just want to enjoy it in peace and without unexpected disturbance. I can sort of see where they are coming from, even if they are cantankerous and unpleasant about it.

It's not a reflection on you.

Stars82 Fri 24-Jun-11 17:24:04

I understand Mackereloffact,

But in order for carers not get too far involved with these families which is so easy to do ( I'm not that cold hearted) We are taught to quote policies etc... other we can get the piss taken out of us TBH.

I honestly agree with it is their home and up until today there has been no issue at all, generally my calls there have been fine (not great but at least fine) We would chat, etc etc

I just found it so shocking that Bill thought it was fine to talk to us in that way despite his frustrations with timings which WAS beyond out control.

I can totally see that they feel people coming into help can make them lose their sense of control but they chose US to help and I do think sometimes it is forgotten smile

WhoAteMySnickers Fri 24-Jun-11 17:24:27

I think you could do with some de-escalation training, and so could your colleague.

Stars82 Fri 24-Jun-11 17:24:44

*can't spell today sorry*

Stars82 Fri 24-Jun-11 17:26:48

what more de-escalation training could the matter want...

Was polite
remained calm
called office
continued to remain calm
stood up for myself
didn't swear
didn't point
tried to explain and reason
still reamined calm even being sworn at
left when asked despite almost being grabbed
called office again


Stars82 Fri 24-Jun-11 17:28:31

I don't mean to be funny Snickers but I've defused far more dangerous situations (Iraq 2004)

certainly disagree that more training is needed sad

I feel I was as calm as I could be smile

littleducks Fri 24-Jun-11 17:28:57

I think you could have handled the bit after you called the office better to be honest. Tried to diffuse the situation instead saying you weren't psychic and the two way convo bit.

But it is hard to say, without knowing the body language, tone etc. Also (i realise you cant disclose on here) but the reasons behind needing a carer is important too

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