to fall out with my mum?

[pinkyp]

Very quick back ground...my mum didnt want me to have both my ds's but was fine with them once they were here..totally smitted with my 1st and baby's him - feeds him with a spoon herself, lets him have anything he wants sweet wise, bleeding carrys him if he's being lazy (he's now 4). My other ds (6months) she'll hold/show a little interest but clearly not favourite.

Today was ds's sports day - she invited herself, not hinted or even asked.

Ds came out with his 'team' and we saw him (me, dh, my mum and dad) and waved and moved closer so we could see what he was doing in his different activities and my mum (rather than standing back to watch like we did) went right up to him threw her arms round him and said hello baby - so ds being ds wanted to play and my mum actually walked with him in the egg and spoon race! Me and dh were fuming so i told her to leave him he's in his team were suppose to watch! SO this time she stood at the end of the track with her arms wide open so she could give him a cuddle when he got there (it was only a little track). Ds was having fun then and started doing everything without her but she stood behind him hovering with her arms open - again i told her to come back he's fine! SHe wasnt happy at all but finally did it. Ds then took it in turns with all his group to go on the actvitys and come out of his shell a bit which was lovely to see.


Ds fell over and my mum rushed to him a picked him up and started cuddling him and he started screaming (he was fine just fell on grass) so dh went over and took his hand and calmed him down in less than a few seconds he was smiling again and forgot about it - if my mum had carried on he'd still be in her arms crying now. Another thing that REALLY annoyed me was i was holding ds2 and i said "would you like to hold him" and she said "oh no i cant he pulls my hair" and walked off to ds1 - really she didnt want anything stopping her grabbing ds1.

Got back to my mums house and my mum offered him a cake (suprise suprise) i thought fair enough he's been good at sports day a treat wont hurt him - he brought a plate in room and sat down ready for his cake (we were all sat in room), my mum came in and said "Oh u need a different plate" (must of been dirty or something dunno) and went in conservotory and shouted him and sat in their with him away from us all :/

She's getting worse - i dont mind her coming to sports day - it would of been nice for her to ask or hint for a invite at least! its just her behaviour is appaling Ds did so well today when she took a step back. I'm gonna tell teachers tomorrow that i'm picking ds up coz i know theres a good chance she'll still turn up for him :/

The icing on the cake is today ds randomly said "fires make you die" so i asked what he ment and he says grandma said it!! I sent her a message asking her about this (thinking maybe he'd been near a fire or seen an extinguisher or something and she told him to come out or he might get hurt etc). The

convo went like this:

Me: Ds has said you told him fires make you die?
Mum: no not mentioned fires
Mum: not been near / seen a fire to mention
Mum: he comes out with some stuff lately lol
(at this point i was typing my reply - but recieved the next messages so never bothered sending it)
Mum: anyway ds says you and dh dont love him
Mum: oh and he's been asking to come live with me

I have bitten my tongue on loads of occasions as she use to look after ds1 whilst i worked part time so i tried to keep the piece, i'm due to return to work in 4 weeks from maternity leave :s

WTF? Advice what to do?

[tiredteddy]

I don't know what to say except that sounds really awful for you. You need to talk to her and set some ground rules she us obviously putting words in you ds mouth. I hope you get list of replies with good advice x

[tiredteddy]

Is not us and also lots not list! Sorry terrible at typing on my mobile!

[Stars82]

Firm, Fair, Sharp and too the point.

Even if you are worried you willl hurt her feelings you MUST talk to her. You MUST stand your ground, overwise it will drag in and on and a few niggles becomes hate etc (not saying you will hate her. just an example)

I wouldn't stand for it either I am afraid.

:)

[pinkyp]

i cant talk to her :/ dont have a great relationship & today she completely blanked me when she told my ds she'd pick him up from school tomorrow and i said no. we've been 4/5 days previous (fathers day sun, tues after school and weds i had hospital appointment) so i wanted to spend some time with ds myself.

I must point out she did look after him whilst i worked part time and would have him at the drop of a hat (prob her only good point) and i am greatful. Really worried she's overstepping the mark at the min just as i'm due to go back to work. Ds has never said he doesnt love us or is leaving home! I can imagine she asked him whilst he was eating one of her cakes "do you want to live with grandma coz i love you lots and lots..."

[pinkyp]

thank you for the replys btw! I agree with all of you but i'm ashamed to say I am a push over and she does talk down to me alot i find it easier to let her have her sly digs that cause an arguement, she can be nasty if things dont go her way.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

How did your mum know it was your ds's sports day?

When you return to work are you planning for her to care for both your dc?

[SposeIOughtToNameChange]

Nope, wouldn't stand for it. Had a similar situation when DS was 2/3. Took Mum into the back garden and had this convo:

Me: Mum, I need to talk to you about DS
Mum: mmmmmm
Me: I want you to know that I am really glad that he thinks of you as a second mum. I trust you with him and it means a lot to me that he loves you as much as I do
Mum: Aaaah :)
Me: So, that's why I need to say this. I am his mum. I am a good mum. You taught me, so you know this. I need you to step back a bit
Mum: But....
Me: Do you want me to give you an example?
Mum: No....
.....massive row ensued (sorry, did you think this was Disney? ;) ).......
Me: Look, we just need to come to an agreement where you let me be his Mum or we are going to have to see less of you.
Mum: Hmph

Cue icy atmosphere for a few weeks, treading carefully around each other making new boundaries and then 9 years (and counting) of perfect harmony .

If you love each other enough, you can work out a new relationship.

[pinkyp]

that sounds pretty ok spose i'd be happy with a conversation like that :)

my mum knew it was ds's sports day as we go down a couple of times a week - ds's school is literally accross the road - if i dont go to her house for a couple of days she waits outside school gates for us

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

Would you be able to stand your ground and cope with the fallout from the massive row outlined by Spose?

Is your dad a reliable mediator, or does he take a back seat if you have differences of opinion with your mum?

Is your mum going to be caring for your dcs when you go back to work?

[pinkyp]

origionally she was suppose to be caring for them but at the min i feel like i'm loosing her trust so i dont really know what will happen. My dad would probabily take a back seat in the matter.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

I don't think you're losing her trust - it's more a case of she's lost yours.

Will you be working full or part-time, and do you have any alternative childcare in place?

Given that you've got 4 weeks before your return to work, I would suggest you have it out with your mum in the next day or so - ask your dh to look after the dcs while you go to visit her so that you can say what you need to say without any distractions for either of you.

Although your dad takes a back seat, it may be helpful if he's at least within earshot while you're discussing childcare with your mum as witnesses are always useful!

Good luck with this - hope you'll come back with an update, or if you need a quick confidence booster before you set off to do the deed.

[MollyMurphy]

Wow - she sounds like a nightmare. I would have it out with her - cards on the table and then you can decide how you feel. I wouldn't cut her out without doing this. She needs to know how you feel and she deserves an opportunity to respond. I would force this conversation - it would simply have to happen period and full stop, because her boundaries sound horrific.

[pinkyp]

Argh not good with confrontations! Does it have to be face to face?

[MollyMurphy]

I think it does have to be face to face because she is you mum and over the phone is too impersonal. Maybe write how you feel in a letter to give you a guide and remind you of what you want to say? Perhaps start with "I love you, but I have some concerns we need to talk about. I'm not good at confrontations but I have to get this out".

[WyrdMother]

Typed in haste before breakfast

It does have to be face to face because doing it at a distance will just make you look weak and give your mum an excuse to ignore what you say.

It might be worth trying the broken record technique, before you go in figure out what the bottom line is, the most important things that you will absolutely not move on, break it down into a max of three or four short sentances (one or two is better, less is much more in these circs.) and rehearse saying them in a calm voice (sounds silly, but honestly, this can work).

Get together with your mum, give her a cup of tea and a biscuit and lay it out for her. However much she shouts, screams, drags other things into the argument, refuse to be distracted and do your best to keep your voice calm (hence the rehearsal) eg...

You : "Sorry, but that isn't what I'm concerned about today, as I've said you must ask me or DH if it's okay before picking DS up from school."

Mum: RANTS

You: "I'm sorry you are upset but I am his mum and you must ask me or DH before you pick DS up from school."

Mum: RANTS

You: Repeat with a bit of variation if you can manage it to avoid sounding like a parrot.

Basically if you refuse to veer from the main points and keep calm she'll just make a prat of herself stamping her feet and blow herself out or storm off, but you will have the upper hand. Just be prepared that she might go for round two once she's re-grouped and stick to the above (or whatever you choose as your main points).

You might have to let some stuff slide and deal with the biggest problem(s) first, try to bring in too many issues the first time you do this and you can loose the thread and give her the advantage.

Good luck whatever happens.

[ladylush]

I think if you try your best to work things out with your mum then you've given it your best shot and have no reason to feel guilty.
I haven't spoken to my dad for 2 years. I told him what the issues were but he refused to acknowledge them. I was very vulnerable at the time - had given birth to a very premature baby. That seems to have been the catalyst for me not caring about reconcilation. It sounds awful but I have now come to the conclusion that he doesn't add any value to my life (or the kids lives)so I can't muster up the energy to work things out. But it doesn't sound like things have got this bad for you yet, so I hope you are able to reach a truce.
Good luck

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

It has to be face to face - and it may have to be face to face more than once until she gets the message.

Is there anyone your mum doesn't ride roughshod over? Does your dad speak up for himself? What's she like with your dh? Do you have siblings? If so, how does she treat them?

[WriterofDreams]

I think your mum's behaviour is extremely weird. What kind of mother tells her daughter that her son doesn't want to live with her and that she and her husband don't love him enough? That's just horrible nasty selfish behaviour. She sounds unhealthily obsessed with your son. Her behaviour would make me seriously consider cutting her off completely unless she changed hugely.

[pinkyp]

Yeh I do have a brother, 31ish still lives at home & my mum still buys him stuff and worships the ground he walks on! My dad does stick up for himself but will tend to keep the peace so won't cause an argument etc.

I think she likes to feel wanted hence why she behaves like she does. I don't have a good relationship with her at all, my dad works away alot n they bicker, my brother is usually out so she's on her own alot - which is y I think she loves saying that ds wants to live with her we don't love him etc for her own ego.

Dh says to go tomorrow as planned n keep the peace then avoid her maybe let ds go once a week or something.

[MollyMurphy]

I can understand wanting to keep the peace - but she's picking your son up from school without asking? That is really, really just unacceptable. Few people love confrontation but I would say you need to get that sort of behaviour sorted.

Consider that as your son gets older her behaviour will can turn from overbearing to undermining you very quickly. Best to sort it sooner than wait for the problem to get worse IMO.

Hope it works out for you pinky

[pinkyp]

Thank you I spoke to school & unless I say she isn't allowed to pick him up no more.

[pink4ever]

Sorry but perhaps I have read your psot wrong? you are prepared to leave your dcs with your mum when you return to work even though she spoils one rotten(possibly to his detriment?) and practically ignores the younger one?. Are you sure the fact that you are not prepared to confront her is not in fact because she is going to be your,presumably free,childcare?.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP... I agree with pink4ever here. You can't use your Mum for free childcare yet prevent her from having access to her grandchildren... and act like an adult, for goodness sakes, have a face-to-face conversation with her. You've had some really good advice on this thread from other posts and you have to talk to her, not let things escalate like this. Are you going to tell her that she can't pick up your children from school now, or just leave it as a nasty shock and let the teacher humiliate her?

[pinkyp]

Yeh you've read my post wrong. Ds 1 use to go to my mums whilst I worked part time. I then went in mat leave with ds2 and originally she was going to be looking after them BUT be because of this situation I did say I don't know what to do now. No i am not willing to leave my dc's with her acting as she is now - that's pretty much why I wrote this thread!
She doesn't ignore ds2 but ds1 is clearly favorire.
I agree there is some great advice. I don't really understand why you were trying to say in your post?

[pinkyp]

Oh as for school I have asked them not to let her pick him up - they did say if she turned up they'd keep him til one of the last (so I would def be there by then if not already). If your mum went to pick your child up from school without telling you- you only see them walking home I think that is worse than the teacher saying "we have to wait for his mum as she said she would be picking him up".

At the end of the day she shouldn't be picking him up without me knowing so if she does get humiliated then it's through her own doing!