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to want to stamp my feet and not contribute to a wedding present?

(69 Posts)
JustKeepSwimming Thu 23-Jun-11 20:37:29

<<Ranting here to avoid saying something in RL that I might later regret.>>

DS1 started school last Sept.

November time one of the other mums had a baby - a collection was got together by mums A & B (A arranged the gift apparently, B collected/chased the money) - mum got a lovely basket of stuff for baby.

April I have a baby (and she's lovely smile) - one of the mums gives me a lovely dress+cardigan outfit.
The others? nothing.
No collection, no lovely basket, and not a word said sad

Now I am a grown-up and have spent the last 9 weeks not dwelling/brooding on this and have been doing well I think - though I have felt very cool towards mums A & B it must be said.

Anyway, roll on to yesterday - another mum mentions collection for teacher/TAs for the end of the year, oh yes I'm keen, saves me having to think of something (though I will prob give them a bottle each having been a teacher myself, you can never get too many presents!), how much I ask?
£15 but we're also doing a collection for A's wedding (next month, have heard lots about it), so say £20.

Now I couldn't care less about the fiver really, and I duly handed over my money today (through gritted teeth) but the idea of contributing to her wedding present really does gall. I have been grumpy/down about it since yesterday.

It doesn't help that she's PTA-queen and everyone seems to love her, including the only before-this-school- mum-friend who is on the PTA too and friends with her (going to the wedding), so i can't have a decent bitch to get this off my chest in RL.

I know I need to breathe deeply & get over it, & i don't even want a pile of stuff for DD, we have everything we need (she is DC3), it's just the principle of it all.

AIBU to want to react like my 3 year old would, stamp & scream & shout & cry?
(I won't of course, but I'd love to let them know how I feel!)

TidyDancer Thu 23-Jun-11 20:43:59

No, YANBU. I would be upset too.

Congratulations on your lovely baby! smile

Funtimewincies Thu 23-Jun-11 20:44:10

Why didn't you just decline? shock at £15 each for a teacher's present (and I'm a teacher)!

Can I just check? are you saying that this woman was collecting for her own wedding?

thisisyesterday Thu 23-Jun-11 20:47:22

£15????? EACJH????? for a teacher present

you're off your rocker (in the nicest possible way smile)

they're having a laugh aren't they???

and i wouldn't just "get over it" either. they've been actually really nasty and spiteful by leaving your present out (or, being generous they've been thoughtless and tactless)
how bloody dare they?

i would find it incredibly hard not to say something in your position, and not because of getting presents... just because of the damn unfairness of it!

chinam Thu 23-Jun-11 20:48:10

I would be very upset if this happened to me too. Can't believe the gall of some people, but am also shock at the idea of £15 each for teachers pressie. What the heck is she getting?

JustKeepSwimming Thu 23-Jun-11 20:50:22

TidyDancer - thanks, she is truly fab smile

Funtime - there is a teacher & 3 TA's so 4 staff in total so not much between them.
And luckily no, A was not collecting this money, a third mum (C?) is doing it.

I really felt like I couldn't insist that I only gave £15 and said no I'm not contributing to the wedding thing - though if there had been a card I wouldn't have signed it - but that would have prob been petty if I'm honest.

I really want someone to acknowledge that I've been missed out, playground politics are tough enough/i'm paranoid enough as it is, but this feel like being excluded and makes me sad

JustKeepSwimming Thu 23-Jun-11 20:51:27

thanks people - i'm glad that i'm not BU to feel upset, though this is making me feel worse in a way as i could tell myself to suck it up if i was BU, if that makes sense?

MardyBra Thu 23-Jun-11 20:52:59


I suppose the only thing which could work in their mitigation if the Nov baby was a first child and the family didn't have much stuff. But even so, they are being pretty mean. I hope one of them reads this and recognises their situation and puts it right.

I hate playground politics.

Fluffycloudland77 Thu 23-Jun-11 20:53:40

I didnt want to contribute to family wedding once but I did. I then got married and didnt invite any of them.

They only invited us to the evening do and put it as "mr fluffy and guest" wth I'd been with him for 2 years and i was engaged to him. Thank you card was mr and guest too.

allnewtaketwo Thu 23-Jun-11 20:53:47

Oh gawd it's like being back in the playground with the pretty bitchy girls calling all the shots.
Are these people actually your friends or do you feel obliged to hang around with them? They sound like a nightmare. And I wouldn't have been giving the £5 towards A's present!

DeWe Thu 23-Jun-11 20:54:43

I think the baby basket is one of those things that they started the year with lots of enthusiasm and a of-course-we'd-do-this-for-everyone thought. Then reality hit in, or maybe a few pregnancies and by this time in the year people are less enthusiastic.
The wedding is cheeky. Collecting on the back of the teacher's present. I'd expect those that know her well would probably want to get their own present and those who don't shouldn't be asked to pay at all. To say £15 for the teachers (when we've done it the teacher's money covers the main teacher, the TA and the one-afternoon cover teacher, in varying proportions) is fine, but to put in the wedding is plain cheeky.

FionaJT Thu 23-Jun-11 20:54:52

No, YANBU - I hate all this group present buying! A group of my friends started to go down this route (did it for someone's 40th & then one person was very enthusiastic and tried to organise it for all subsequent birthdays in the group) but fortunately enough of us politely declined and it died out. If you feel close enough to someone to chose something thoughtful for them yourself, great. But chucking cash into a pot for a generic gift for every acquaintance is completely unnecessary!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 23-Jun-11 20:55:18

Definitely not being unreasonable, JustKeepSwimming. I wonder if everybody really does love this woman or whether there are others like you who have to play the game because not to would just make waves? There probably are some, more than you might think.

Congratulations on your baby!

LindyHemming Thu 23-Jun-11 20:55:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortu Thu 23-Jun-11 20:55:32

Seriously though, I gibber with astonishment when somebody hands over a cheap bottle of wine (my preferred end of year present). A collection? Blimey.

JustKeepSwimming Thu 23-Jun-11 20:56:30

That's the thing, i've talked myself all the way round this.
Nov baby is DC2, DC1 is in the reception class with DS1.

Ok, so it's a girl and dc1 is a boy. But then i have 2 boys and DD is my first girl, so that theory doesn't work.

Now her DS did attend the pre-sch attached to the sch and my DS didn't, so maybe they know her better?

I also accept that A is busy with her wedding and maybe didn't want to be automatically responsible for every present/event going. But..they knew i was pg when the other baby present was organised & there was plenty of time, so she could've got someone else to do it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 23-Jun-11 20:56:46

I think DeWe might be right. The basket-buying started out with the best of intentions.. and then waivered and stopped for whatever reason.

MardyBra Thu 23-Jun-11 21:00:23

blush sorry wasn't thinking the first child thing through. Of course not if they have a DC in reception.
<bangs head on desk>

Funtimewincies Thu 23-Jun-11 21:00:55

If there are lots of staff (for example in an early years unit) it's best to get a tin of roses that can be shared by all (usually the favourites are eaten before it finds its way to the staff room grin). A LOT cheaper.

So £15 divided by 4 staff multiplied by how many parents? Still a lot of cash.
A sincerely meant 'thank you' is worth ££££££ IMO.

The wedding thing is just cheeky!

JustKeepSwimming Thu 23-Jun-11 21:03:37

There has only been the other baby & mine.

JustKeepSwimming Thu 23-Jun-11 21:04:46

Having been a teacher i'm quite happy to be (over)generous when it comes to presents smile

expatinscotland Thu 23-Jun-11 21:04:48

Oh, lose this herd of hefers and their low rent tribe!

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I got the DDs a £10 voucher and that's for two of them.

Just tell them you're doing your own pressies. And as for A, why the fuck are you giving her bitch ass a present if you're not even going to the wedding?

Again, 'No, thanks, I'm organising my own gifts.' That should be the end if you say it firmly.

bejeezus Thu 23-Jun-11 21:05:54

i wouldnt get involved in these group collections
do people really do that? I bet everyone secretly hates it--there is always going to come a point for everyone when they cant afford it or dont want to contribute for a certain person

bleurghh! I can imagine the kind of people A & B are too!

bejeezus Thu 23-Jun-11 21:07:05

yeah--what expat said

emsyj Thu 23-Jun-11 21:07:07

This happened to me at work. Seemingly every week there was a request for £5 for birthdays. Then it was my 30th. Not so much as a card or a cream cake for me. So the next time I got asked 'it's x's birthday, £5 each do you want in?' I said, 'given that I have had 2 birthdays since starting work here, one of which was my 30th, and I've never had so much as a card, I think I'll pass'. Cue tumbleweed.... But I'm glad I said it.

I don't work there any more -thank goodness! grin

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