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I haven't been invited to DP's nephews baptism...

(40 Posts)
GreatScottWeDontNeedRoads Thu 23-Jun-11 15:18:40

I'll try and give as much detail without making this ridiculously long.

I have been with DP nearly 6 years, we have a DS who is 4.

The last year has been a tough one for us due to some idiotic behavior of DP's part and interference from his family.

We were both young when DS was born (I was 17, DP was 20) and his family have very old fashioned views so were shocked and disgusted (at me though not DP)

DP has a younger brother who turns into a very vile person when he has been drinking. He has said some awful things to me in the past and questioned DS's paternity on many occasions. I'll be honest and say DP has never stood up for us like he should have.

This particular brother has a 2 month old baby with his girlfriend. I have never seen the baby in the flesh only pictures. It is the babys baptism in about 2 weeks time and I am not invited although DP and DS are.

Myself and DP do not currently live together and the baptism will fall on a the saturday that it is actually my turn to do something with DS so I would also be loosing out on the only weekend time I have with him. DP has him every second weekend friday-monday and other weekend sunday-monday IYSWIM?

DP's whole family will be there as will his other brothers Girlfriend.

I have NEVER done or said anything to explain why the particular brother hates me so much.

AIBU to be hurt that DP would take DS and go without me and not even stand up for me and demand that I be included in some way?

Of course I realize that it is his nephew and I would be a cow to ask him not to go.

I'd just really like some advice on how to deal with the situation? Hopefully something I can show to DP? If you don't agree with me at all I fully accept that and feel free to be completely honest.

biddysmama Thu 23-Jun-11 15:20:51

does his family know you are together? because that set up sounds like you are seperated tbh

GreatScottWeDontNeedRoads Thu 23-Jun-11 15:23:39

Yes they definitely know, I go to his parents house with him very often and sometimes stay over night. I also live next door to his other brother and his girlfriend whom I get on quite well with.

grumpypants Thu 23-Jun-11 15:26:55

you don't live together and you have alternate access? what's that about?
tbh i'm more interested in why you don't live like a copule but expect to be treated as part of one?

Nixea Thu 23-Jun-11 15:30:24

TBH I wouldn't think of inviting someone who'd never seen my baby to a baptism either. Seems odd that you've not cared enough to visit but you're having a paddy at not being invited. Very odd situation.

GreatScottWeDontNeedRoads Thu 23-Jun-11 15:30:41

Because we split up for about 4 months, have been back together since February and I don't feel ready to go back to exactly the way things were before because of his erratic behavior in the past.

I dont think its U to not live together but still be treated as a couple?

LaurieFairyCake Thu 23-Jun-11 15:31:43

You're not viewed as a couple if you're not living together and you share custody of DS - unless his family really got on with you (which it sounds like they don't) then No, you can't expect to be invited.

You could be petty and not let DS as it's your weekend but you could compensate by having the two following weekends. Your DS might enjoy it too, they are his family.

I presume that before you agree to a committed relationship with your DP you're expecting him to stand up for your relationship more and be more forthright with his family?

GreatScottWeDontNeedRoads Thu 23-Jun-11 15:32:05

Its not that I don't care enough to not visit. I have been banned from having anything to do with the baby because of the brothers dislike of me (Which I can honestly say there is no logical reason for)

My issue is that DP doesn't see anything wrong with it.

GreatScottWeDontNeedRoads Thu 23-Jun-11 15:33:50

I get on well with his parents, sisters and 1 brother. Its just the younger brother I don't get on with. I see his family a couple of times a week, go to family functions and days out with not a bother. This is the first time this has ever happened.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 23-Jun-11 15:34:01

You don't behave like a couple so why do you think you should be treated as one? You have your reasons for that and they're your business. I don't think it's unreasonable that you haven't been invited. Swap your weekends with your partner.

To be honest, if you were a couple, why wouldn't you do stuff together at the weekends anyway? It's your business OP, but it sounds an odd setup. confused

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 23-Jun-11 15:36:28

x-posted with OP.

If you don't get on with partner's brother, why do you think you should go to the christening and why would you want to anyway?

You shouldn't stop your partner from going, it's his nephew - he's no relation to you though.

Suck it up for this one and see how things go. You say yourself that you're not ready for a couple-some as you were before so why the importance on being integrated into partner's family?

Nixea Thu 23-Jun-11 15:37:35

"I have been banned from having anything to do with the baby" - the surely this comes as no surprise to you that you're not invited??

TBH it sounds like you're looking for a reason to be offended. As lying said it's a very odd setup and I can understand your In-laws not treating you as a couple. Shared custody is not a term that should apply to any couple with a child that want to still be treated as a couple.

GreatScottWeDontNeedRoads Thu 23-Jun-11 15:39:15

I think this has come out all wrong.

When I said it was my weekend I meant that DS sleeps at my house that night not that I have him and that DP does not have anything to do with him and the same goes for when He stays at his house. We do things together as a family all the time and probably would have done on this saturday but thats when the Baptism is.

I don't understand where anyone got the idea we don't behave like a couple? We don't live together and thats it. I wanted to get my head around things first before jumping back into living together in case things didn't work out.

His family know we are a couple.
I see them regularly.
I have even seen his brother and girlfriend that I don't get along with but since the baby was born they choose to not call around when they know I'm there.

GreatScottWeDontNeedRoads Thu 23-Jun-11 15:41:16

I'm not surprised at all that I haven't been invited. That was never the issue and I'm sure I never said I expected to be invited or that I was surprised about it.

My issue is that DP does not see anything wrong with his brothers behavior.

JudysJudgement Thu 23-Jun-11 15:44:24

what a complicated set up, the kid must be thoroughly confused!

worraliberty Thu 23-Jun-11 15:44:28

To be fair you could do something with your DS any weekend so I don't think the Baptism has anything to do with it...just swap your plans around.

As for you not being invited, well if he doesn't like you I suppose he would be hypocritical to invite you.

And as for your DP and DS, why should they miss out?

GreatScottWeDontNeedRoads Thu 23-Jun-11 15:51:38

I don't expect DP and DS to miss out at all. I already said that I would be a cow to ask them not to go.

His brother, girlfriend and baby expect to be treated as a family and they can invite or not invite whoever they want to the Baptism but is it so wrong of me to expect DP to stand up for me?

ConnorTraceptive Thu 23-Jun-11 15:55:48

Why would you want to go? They sound like they have been awful to you. Just because they are your DP's family doesn't mean you have to be part of their lives. Personally I would be relieved that I don't have to spend time in the company of people who have treated me so badly.

GreatScottWeDontNeedRoads Thu 23-Jun-11 15:58:59

Your right ConnorTraceptive and I don't really want to go at all its just that if the shoe was on the other foot I feel DP would be outraged at not being invited to a family function. He admits this himself but still won't say anything to his brother.

LolaRennt Thu 23-Jun-11 16:00:55

I think people can invite who they want to a chrisitening or a wedding so it would be unfair for dp to insist you come. I also think that if his fmaily really aren't keen on you that it might ruin their day having you there. I apogise if that sounds nasty but its probably how they feel, you dont like the guy you probably wont have much to do with them as a family.. So I can understand them not inviting you, especially with the set up you have now.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 23-Jun-11 16:01:11

How can he, GreatScott? Partner's brother doesn't like you and you say yourself you don't get on, don't see the baby and so on. What is he supposed to stand up for you about? You're not perceived as a couple, that's clear, if you were then they'd find it harder not to invite you... as it is, it's easy and your partner doesn't have to defend their position.

Can't you just put this one behind you, swap weekends and stop thinking about this? To be quite honest, it's not the christening or the baby that seems of any importance, it seems like it's an event that you feel entitled to attend by dint of being your partner's partner.. albeit in a very untraditional way. If the christening itself and the baby aren't important to you, please let it go because all your partner can do is kick up a fuss on your behalf, and for what exactly? Your attendance at an event with people you don't care about?

2rebecca Thu 23-Jun-11 16:04:49

If you aren't living together and you and the father of this baby hate each other and you haven't seen the baby anyway then I'm not sure why you want to be invited or expected to be invited.
I'd let your boyfriend take his son to the do and find something else to do.
People who aren't either living together or married aren't generally seen as a couple for family events, particularly if they don't get on with the family.

Xiaoxiong Thu 23-Jun-11 16:05:08

For all you know they may have a very tight guestlist for the baptism, due to either budget or space constraints (or both). I certainly know for our wedding, we didn't invite people's other halves unless they had been together for a significant period of time and were for all intents and purposes married already - therefore we didn't invite a cousin's boyfriend of two years because they didn't seem rock solid (had broken up a few times) and we were desperate to get the numbers down because we were over the fire safety limits of our venue.

It may be as simple as that - they have to have a cutoff somewhere and as you have just gotten back together, don't live together and have shared custody arrangements of your DC, they felt you weren't a solid enough part of their and their child's life to take the place of someone else who is more present.

GreatScottWeDontNeedRoads Thu 23-Jun-11 16:08:45

I don't feel entitled to go because I am with DP. I don't know how many more times I can say it.

In the past when his brother has said things to me such as 'you should have kept your fanny in your knickers' or 'DS is so and so's. He's definitely not DPs child' his family have always encouraged me to forget about it and forgive him, invite him to Ds's baptism and whatever girlfriend he was with at the time. Even when he hit my child with his car all I got from everyone was that it was an accident, could have happened to anybody. I have never done anything to this guy. I even bought a present for the baby when it was born. He expects his girlfriend to be treated as my Ds's aunt after she has been around a year yet after 6 years I'm nothing? I really don't think us living together has anything to do with it.

Xiaoxiong Thu 23-Jun-11 16:13:51

I've got to say, if I were you I would not even want to be in the same room as him let alone go to the baptism!!

This guy seems to be a piece of work and has done you a favour by not inviting you - if anyone asks why you're not going you don't have to say "because he's a shit of the first water" in which case they'll all side with him (blood thicker than water etc).

You can instead smile bravely and demonstrate your "meek forgiveness" of all his disgusting behaviour and say "I would love to go but wasn't invited this time, but it's ok, I understand, have a lovely time everyone" and they'll all feel sorry for you. And you can go out for the evening with your friends who care about you!

Win win all round, I'd say.

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