AIBU to be so sensitive about my messy flat? (rant...!)(12 Posts)
DP and I had to move in extremely hurried circumstances late last year (long story but not of our own choice/doing) from huge flat to miniscule one, consisting of four small rooms (lounge/kitchen/bedroom/bathroom) and it's really more of a single person's flat.
We are on our own but have his son stay every other weekend plus have him most of the hols. Which is fine...a real squash but we love having him. (as my old Nan used to say, 'if there's room in your heart, there's room in your home') even though with just two of us, we are constantly having to squeeze past each other! So three is a challenge, but it's worked out so far.
We don't have any storage, by that i mean none of the 'norm' ie shed/garage/ cupboard under stairs etc..not even a hall or landing to put say shoes or hoover on, so everything is out and we are tripping over it. (not a cupboard in the place apart from small kitchen ones) so hoover, mop, general clutter and essentials are always out and literally i get bruises bumping into stuff! It's stressful but we are so lucky really. We have a home. My DP was homeless years ago for a while, and we count our blessings.
Admittedly we are both clutterbugs and still in a state of chaos (piles of stuff everywhere/not much floor space..but then there isnt much without having the stuff!) and trying to sort the place out..we are both bookworms, not minimalistic at all (eg DP has a huge vinyl record collection- but as he works in the music business, it goes with the territory) we are currently short on both time and money, I work in two jobs plus have a small ebay business,(so not like i'm stuck indoors all day getting slowly buried) ;-) and we BOTH use our small lounge as an office, so we dont have room for even a table to eat off. Our old place looked fine as we had a lot of space and storage..
We've just learnt to live with it (for now) and are planning what to do about storage solutions and have already chucked out a lot of stuff (ok, it's hardly made a dent! but hey it's a start) and thought we were making the best of things..We know it's a problem but at the same time, it's not with dirt, only 'stuff'. Eg the sinks, bath, loo etc are more spotless than anyone's i know, i clean them daily. The only dirt is all the clutter being a dust trap.
However, we are friends with a couple who can't stop making comments and maybe i am BU but it's starting to get to me and the female in the couple (my best friend) has NEVER even visited, so it's doubly unfair!
We have been in chaos recently with flooded bathroom so workmen in and out, so much worse than usual. Her partner visited during this time and was obviously clearly horrified as she told me things he'd later said and she's now put off visiting us... The thing is, they have the same amount of space as us, but have their storage sorted, and are both childless and extremely tidy/minimalist . They have a loft which is boarded on the floor so easy to use, and everything gets thrown in there..or in the bin! Literally..a new book is read then chucked in the loft or out. Birthday cards up for one day, then binned. That kind of thing. They have nothing in their flat but the barest essentials, but the loft is a mine of hoarding, on her partner's part anyway!
She keeps continually making comments and made it clear whereas she wanted to visit before, she doesn't want to now even though in the past she's always been happy to sleep on a sofa (and i always sleep on theirs). When a mutual friend asked if they could stay one night, she butted in saying 'are you sure you want to subject yourself to all that?' - when she has never been to ours, or seen a photo!
Maybe i'm being oversensitive as we do have a problem, but our place is definitely cleaner than theirs and at least there's things to look at and you don't have to be scared of leaving a cup out!
Am sick of the constant digs when we are trying to get back on our feet.
A true friend would come over and give you a hand to get organised, not bitch about you like that. YANBU. Ditch the friend, she is BU.
he (her partner) had popped in and was meant to be giving us some valuable advice and a hand (being that we'd told him he has the same size rooms as us) but he just ummed and aahed and made his excuses.. she told me he got back to theirs and started manically cleaning/tidying and that it must have been the effect of visiting us...which is unfair as our place is cluttered but clean, and theirs is spartan but not so clean...
...then when i later saw her, she tried to put the friend of coming, and moaned about i hadnt stayed at theirs for a while (they are about hr and half drive away) but she's never been to ours! and she was in our area late at night for an event, but wouldnt stay, obviously on the basis of her partner's visit..
yet the weird thing is, he has a works van which is filthy inside, and they go away for days and sleep in that on the dirty floor, to save money on accommodation. How can that compare to a clean, comfy sofa?!
May I suggest that you declutter an important aspect of your life? There is always room for more books but there need not be a place in your life for negative people. Friends like this are not friends at all.
If she was a true friend she would be getting stuck in helping you to get organised. Even if she was concerned that your flat was dirty, she could offer to help you clean. Making snide comments isnt really on.
Could you afford to rent storage space for a while?
i should say that...this friend has done some incredible things for me. but this issue...it's really no one's business and we wanted advice, not criticism. I've slept on her floor many times (no sofa!) so they forget the times they've had it tough. They are so incredibly tidy and organised, but it took them a while to get there, i am upset she keeps making digs when hasnt seen it for herself and the challenge the place presents
Next time she comments, make it clear to her that you find it equally frustrating and ask when she's next free to help you out.
Create storage. Once things have a place to go, it's easy isn't it? Anything that doesn't have a place to go, has to go. I'm a clutterbug in recovery and it's quite refreshing
and very weird!
I really feel for you. Is there any chance you could say ,'I'm sorry I am trying my best to live and I find it quite upsetting when you say things like that to me?'xx
I would tell her that if she gives you a hand with the decluttering then you will give her a hand with her cleaning then you can both work to your strengths <passive aggressive>.
Or when she starts on about it again just say 'ok I get it - my flats a mess. You don't need to mention it every time I see you. I'm trying to sort it.' Or have you already said that kind of thing to no avail?
Also meant to say that I used to be a clutterbug myself but am now quite minimalist. You have to get a load of bin liners and sort what you need (I mean really need) and what is junk and take the rest to the charity shop/sell it/Freecycle it. You have to be ruthless.
And get some cupboards - if you can't afford any that you want ask on Freecycle and see if you can get any to tide you over while you save.
this friend has done some incredible things for me.
She is a rescuer. I think your friend is dying for you to ask her to come and help sort your flat out.
If you did she would probably turn up with star charts, a rota, colour coordinated storage solutions and a label machine a la Monica from friends
Do it, ask her.
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