To rage because I never get to have a lie in or any time to myself(27 Posts)
DS is 18 months now. He still wakes for milk in the night and it's always me who gives it him. If dh goes in to him he screams mama over and over and has a massive tantrum. This morning I was so tired I asked dh to get up with ds and give me an extra half hour in bed. The same thing happened: a screaming fit and mama mama over and over. Dh gets angry and frustrated by this very quickly and dumps ds in cot so I end up having to go in to him anyway. I am constantly knackered and every now and then I feel so frustrated that I get in a massive rage and scream and shout and say horrible things to ds.
Dh is a good guy, he's not completely unsupportive. He plays really nicely with ds and know how to look after him. Dh works really long hours 6 days a week and so ds is used to having me to comfort him, which is why he won't accept dh as comforter if he knows I'm around.
If feel like breastfeeding got me into this position where I am the giver of all comfort, comfort which seems to be required on tap 24/7 with no break for me. Probably I'm supposed to relish it, but you know what, it's not what I signed up for. I thought things would be a little more equal and I didn't expect my baby to be so demanding.
Ds was colicky and for the first 4 months he basically cried all the time he was awake. He woke about every 2 hours in the night for feeds until 7 months, when I stopped breastfeeding. Then night feeds diminished to about every 4 hours. Now he wakes once in the night for a feed and tends to wake up for the day any time between 5.00 and 7.00. He is lovely and he's doing really well, talking more and more, learning lots of new things like climbing etc. But he is really full-on compared to a lot of kids. He is always climbing on the furniture and falling off, deliberately dropping things down the back of the radiator or pulling pasta out of the kitchen cupboard and crunching raw spaghetti and spreading it over the floor. I have playpen which I don't use because he's always gone nuts when I put him in it. He hates it if I leave the room, but if he's not in the playpen, at least he knows he can follow me.
I am working 3 days a week, dh and I have our own business and work is getting more and more demanding. Dh is a videographer and films lots of weddings so he often works at weekends. We don't have a weekend routine where we have time to recharge.
I suppose everyone thinks this is normal and I should stop moaning, but sometimes I feel like I'm about to explode. Ideally I would like to have another baby. I loved having sisters and I think ds would thrive in a bigger family, but dh doesn't really want any more kids and I don't know if I can face going through the baby phase again, which I remember as being a complete nightmare. A lot of people tell me my next baby will probably be a good sleeper, but what if they aren't? It might tip me over the edge.
It's been a struggle to get ds to sleep as well as he does now. We have to do controlled crying just to get him to be in his cot and go to sleep, never mind weaning him off milk at night. That's got to be the next step, getting him to stop waking for milk, but I'm dreading it and I'm inclined to wait till we've been on holiday.
My Spanish in-laws think ds is too much of a mummy's boy and should be sent to nursery full time. (He goes to a childminder 3 days a week while i'm working). I think it's normal for an 18 month old to want his mummy. I just wish he would accept his daddy sometimes instead and give me a break.
Vicious circle I think. He cries DH dumps him back in his cot so never calms him down, DH needs to stick with it so your son can be soothed by both of you.
YANBU to have a little rant about this.
Maybe your hubby can spend some time (on his days off) just him and his son so you have a bit of time on your own and your son gets used to daddy being with him and having to deal with everything.
My DS very similar, he's now 6 & still really clingy. Definately need to try & get him to accept his Dad doing things for him, even though its hard. Does he go ok to childminder?
Have you ever had an evening away/out, sometimes my DS accepts care from his Dad better if I'm not physically in the house, he just gets on with it, so Daddy can put him to bed etc.
Sometimes we do a turn about thing, eg I put him to bed a couple of nights then DP turn.
We had to realise that DS getting upset is his way of getting his own way but my DS is older & this happened when he was about 3yrs & going to nursery. I had to be firm & make him accept care from someone other than me.
Thanks for replies
He cries when I leave him with the childminder but she tells me he's OK after a few minutes
How about giving little man a bowl of porridge before bed? That's what I've done and it has helped. Sleep deprivation is just awful I'm now on anti depressants! Good luck
Thanks for suggestion. He won't eat porridge anymore. I let him eat an orange and a biscuit last night just before bed and he still woke up! I'm sure eating oranges biscuits and milk just before sleep can't be good! But there you go, sometimes you'll try anything! sorry to hear you're having a bad time Missalien.
When you have days at home with him what do you do with him?
Could you purposefully plan some really active things late in the aftertoon to tire him so he sleeps through and wakes a little later? (This is the advice the doctor gave us)
Could you even try putting him to bed a little later the point of it being he is more tired he sleeps through more?
I would also keep going with the bedtime snacks to make sure he sleeping on a full tummy.
he should not need milk in night. only water.
dont give him oranges (acid) with milk.
porridge good carbohydrate much better idea
move pasta to high cupboards so he cant spread all over floor - pit only no breakable things like plastic tubs in low cuupboards.
go away for a night and leave dh in charge.
YANBU to have a rant, but I think your life probably sounds very much like that of any other Mum of an 18 month old. It is really draining but it does get better as they get older. Can you at least get Daddy to do an hour's shift by himself at the weekend so you can nip out for a good walk or a coffee somewhere - sometimes that's all it takes to re-charge your batteries a bit and help you get through the next few days!
cestlavielife - If only I had enough high cupboard space and enough plastic tubs to fill low cupboards!
Thanks for advice yousankmybattleship! You are right that it's a pretty standard situation. But then what makes people go ahead and have another child?!
Thanks to everyone who read rant and gave advice. I have to log off now. Work to do xxx
Mine are the same....both of them. I made DH take them out individually...more bonding time alone. It helped a lot.
The daytime activities sound much like my 16mo DD - pulling stuff out of cupboard, spreading it on the floor, posting things down the back of the radiator - that's not 'full-on' compared to other kids, that's normal
You need to be firmer with DH though. If it's his turn to get up with DS, then so be it. No putting him back in the cot, no bringing him to Mummy - it's a case of DH and DS have to learn how to get through the tears without you. DS will never settle for DH if he knows that within minutes you'll come to sort it out anyway.
I think it's a really good idea for you to plan activities for yourself outside the home, and leave the baby with DH. That way, Mama is not an option so he will just have to get used to Daddy dealing with him.
I have a friend with four kids (zoiks!) and she has joined a jogging group, and does various other activities outside the home so that the kids get used to Dad.
And I agree be firmer with DH! He and the baby need to learn to just deal with each other; neither of them should think it's okay for them to give up because you will just take over!
Oh, and YANBU.
agreed,the issue with your DH will not get any better unless they DO spend time together and you might have to be physically unavailable in order to make that happen. My DP takes DS away for a little trips 2/3 nights to friends/in-laws etc and their relationship is noticeably closer after each one. ~Difficult with busy lives etc and I guess this is the busiest time of year for him to, but a day trip somewhere nice might be good
I think most of us have times of feeling like this - like you have nothing left to give and just need a rest.
I think you and your DH have to agree to breaking some of these patterns - and it will mean toughing it out (for both of you) when he cries for you. Maybe start with one day a week - say a weekend morning - when your DH has the baby first thing - feeds him, gets him up and ready etc. Build up to it, tell your DS that it is going to be really fun and exciting, maybe get DH to get him up and take him straight out somewhere.
If your DH never takes sole responsibility for your DS - away from you - you will always be the one who has to do the donkey work of parenting. Time to share the load a little more evenly, I'd say.
It would really help the daytime frustration to have a switch around of your kitchen I think - maybe you could give it as a job to your dh. Any 18 m/o is going to spread pasta on the floor if they have access to it. I've got 3 tiers of stuff in my house. Dangerous stuff - chemicals/medicines etc which are in a locked cupboard. Safe stuff that can be left at toddler height - toys/things in low kitchen cupboards such as tupperware/scales/colander/pans/tins etc and lastly stuff that isn't dangerous but will piss me off if they get hold of it - those things go on shelves or in a high cupboard. It's the only way with young kids imo - they don't know why they can't touch things and telling them off all day is frustrating for the kids and the parent.
You say your dh works 6 days a week - imo you should be having a lie in on day 7 at least considering you work 7 days and nights at the mo.
For what it's worth the behaviour/sleep got a lot better for me at around 2 - they can communicate better then and understand rewards/consequences.
Sorry - I sounded as if I was dismissing your problems earlier - must learn to read what I have written! I really do sympathise but I also think you are at the absolutely hardest stage and it will just get better and better.
I don't think you could/should try and change your OH, but it would be a good idea to create times when you can take a breather (lock the bathoom door and have a bath, go for a walk etc).
I also think you need to address the sleeping. It is hard, but a banana or weetabix or similar before bed and then minimal intervention - no picking up just reassuring that you are there and defo no milk in the night - should crack it.
Oh - and people go on to have another because even though they make us knackered, stressed and poor our children are the best thing that will ever happen to us. I have three and they've all driven me to tears many times!!
DD is like this at the moment, and I think 18m is almost a regression, I remember DS being the same - clingy, cryey, wanting me. The good news is by the time DD arrived DS was 2y4m mostly sleeping through and past the worst of the clinginess.
When DD was born, DH had to very quickly figure out how to soothe her, as I would be feeding DS. I think your DH has to stick with it - yes he will cry but he will be being cuddled and crying. Get him to try a few different things - dancing/listening to music, going outside, putting something inoffensive but not cartoons on the TV..something will work and then he will have it to use.
I work with children and you can have children having massive crying fits, going mad, kicking the doors, screaming for mum one minute. Then if you distract them, soothe them, cuddle them etc (you learn what works for each indivdual child) then ten minutes later they are absolutely fine and happy and smiley.
He will settle with your husband if he puts the effort in. You deserve a lie in and there is imo no reason why you shouldnt be getting one tbh.
Helpful Judy .
I assume she is looking after her 18 m/o - she has mentioned them a few times in the thread.
Take it in turns to have a lie in so you both get one lie in a week. Make DH take him out of earshot when it's your turn. It doesn't matter how many days you both work outside the home you both deserve a bit of peace and quiet.
My Saturday morning lie-in is one of the things that keeps me sane, seriously.
Also the person having a lie in gets breakfast in bed in our house. DD1 (5) has also started wanting occasional lie ins
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