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DH keeps spending. AIBU to be pissed off?

(119 Posts)
Purplegirlie Wed 22-Jun-11 11:21:31

Have namechanged.

My DH has always been a bit of a spendthrift. We've never really had any savings as he spends everything. We have three children and I have always tried to budget. I meal plan each week. He then decides he doesn't fancy what we're having for tea and goes to the shop and spends £20. Some weeks we probably spend in excess of £80 over budget because of his spending. He won't save up to do things to the house, he just buys things regardless. He was obsessed with getting a new sofa and as soon as we'd paid off our existing one (which is fine) he ordered another one. He insisted on having our living room ceiling re-plastered without saving up for it, so now we are £500 down.

He does shooting and had an expensive gun. A few months ago he decided to buy another expensive gun and said he would sell his old one. He never sold it and has decided not to sell it even though he doesn't use it. He got a dog to take shooting recently and spent over £700 getting the dog, and equipment for it, and things like vaccinations.

The thing is, he doesn't earn enough to sustain this spending. We already got into lots of debt before because of his spending and we got straight about 2 years ago and now I am finding credit card bills that have been run up again. His job is temporary and he won't look for another job. He wants to earn lots of money (in his words) but won't do anything to achieve that. He has turned down 2 opportunities recently; one a permanent job and one to be a business partner in a friend's business (DH is in a trade and his trade would compliment his friend's trade). If I try to talk to him about getting another job or about our finances he either starts singing or does that type of talking people do when they're going off to sleep, with his eyes closed and all muttering and talking nonsense.

I work part time from home, but obviously the more we earn between us, the more he spends. It doesn't seem fair that I am shopping at Primark and charity shops for the kids and I, whilst he is spending hundreds of pounds on his hobbies, extra food from the shop, etc. Any money that I manage to get, he spends it. I made a couple of hundred quid doing boot sales with unwanted stuff we had, and he had mentally spent it before I'd got it, and sure enough it was spent straight away on stuff for decorating the living room. A family member gave me some money the other day to buy myself something to wear and DH straight away said "Oh you can put that in the spends pot in the kitchen", basically meaning I should spend it on milk, bread and school dinner money whilst he has a gun worth 1k sitting unused in his gun cabinet.

I think the problem is he has 2 friends that are also complete spendaholics. One spends regardless and has been made bankrupt before but he still spends and spends and just says he'll go bankrupt again one day. The other owns a business and probably earns a fair bit more than DH so obviously his spending power is going to be more. If he gets something, DH has to get it too.

AIBU to be highly pissed off?

GeekCool Wed 22-Jun-11 11:24:44

If he is going to act like a child, treat him like. I think you need a seperate account for your boot stuff. Remove his credit cards from his wallet (are they join? who is main account holder?)

TheProvincialLady Wed 22-Jun-11 11:25:41

This is actually quite a serious situation. He could bring you and your children down with him in his quest to live the life of a rich person without having to put any effort in. And as for trying to stop you spending your own present money on yourself....

What are you going to do about it?

ObiWan Wed 22-Jun-11 11:26:23

No you're not BU.
Open a bank account that he has no knowledge of/access to and do what you will with your own money.
He cannot be unaware of the problem, he's just determined to make it your problem.

JudysJudgement Wed 22-Jun-11 11:27:24

no i would be annoyed too

could you set up another bank account just for bills etc and only you have access to that, and transfer x amount from his salary to cover bills each month. That way at least the essentials would get paid first

LRDTheFeministNutcase Wed 22-Jun-11 11:29:55

YANBU.

But how does it work, I'm confused from your description. So he's 'mentally spent' the money you had in your hand - well how did it get out of your hand? Where does your money go to - joint account? If so, you need to be discussing what it will be spent on together. What does he say when you object to his spending?

Purplegirlie Wed 22-Jun-11 11:30:17

I just don't know what I'm going to do about it TBH. I've tried so many things; doing a budget spreadsheet and showing him that we literally cannot afford all this stuff all the time. Arguing about it. Taking his bank card (is joint account). But he still spends on credit cards.

It makes me so angry that he's trying to make it my problem. I do have a separate account of my own in which I get the CB and maintenance for my oldest child, so I use that for school dinners, clothing for the kids, etc. But he is always going on about me "not touching that money each month and saving", no doubt so he can spend it or so we have some savings so he can carry on spending from our joint account.

I am so angry that he won't sell the old gun. I keep saying that he should but he won't. 1k would go quite far to pay off some of the debt he has accumulated recently.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-Jun-11 11:30:17

YANBU and this is going to drive a wedge between you if it seems to be you saving the money and him spending it."When money goes out of the door, love flies out of the window". You have to do what women have always done with financially thick husbands. ie. Take his wages, give him 'spends' and take the credit cards off him. Then open your own bank account and start saving anything you get for child benefit, car boot sales, spare housekeeping etc. You'll need it one day.

Purplegirlie Wed 22-Jun-11 11:32:16

LRD, he kept going on about spending the car boot earnings on decorating stuff, and I felt I had literally no choice but to hand the money over once I'd done the sales. He would keep going on and on and on about it otherwise. Silly of me,I know.

I am doing another boot sale this weekend as have had another clearout of the kids wardrobes so will hold on to the proceeds....

fedupofnamechanging Wed 22-Jun-11 11:33:11

I'd insist on cancelling the cards, having all the money paid into my sole account and would give him a limited amount each week for his own spending. Even if the cards are in his name, as his spouse, you could be pursued for his debt (it could be claimed from his assets) if anything happened to him.

Call the bank/mortgage company and arrange it so he can't use an overdraft or borrow against the house without the signed consent of you both.

I'd insist he sought professional help for his spending compulsion. This would be a deal breaker for me, because you can't go on living like this. He sounds like a right selfish git.

Also put the gun on ebay. Don't even tell him. Set up your own paypal account and keep the money.

Ordinarily I'd say my advice sounds controlling, but needs must in this case!

LRDTheFeministNutcase Wed 22-Jun-11 11:34:18

Look, he is spending money (from a joint account?) without asking you.

What is stopping you from removing the money from the joint account and putting it in your own account? Yes, he will spend on credit cards but maybe he will get a wake-up call. You shouldn't be scrimping on clothes and food for you and the children, I agree: so spend the money on that stuff before he can spend it on his things.

It sounds as if he believes you are Magic Wife who makes money appear out of nowhere when he needs it.

snailoon Wed 22-Jun-11 11:34:50

What do you expect from someone who thinks killing is fun?

Purplegirlie Wed 22-Jun-11 11:37:35

The thing that gets me too is his lack of willingness to talk about it. It is just so annoying and so childish when he does his speaking like he's going to fall asleep. He even closes his eyes and lolls his head.

He really needs to grow up

EvelynBakerLang Wed 22-Jun-11 11:37:35

Don't put the gun on ebay. For goodness sake.

SpecialFriedRice Wed 22-Jun-11 11:38:12

YANBU

I'm a bit of a spiteful cow so I would probably sell his gun behind his back and use the money to pay off all/some of the debts he's accumulated. Then take his debit AND credit cards and cut them up. Then you can give him an allowance to spend as he sees fit.

If he carries on its not just himself he's going to get in the shit, he'll take you all down with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-Jun-11 11:38:47

I would also have the old gun on e-bay... or at least threaten it. He's clearly not responsive to logic (showing him the budget) or persuasion. He's only interested in showing off and trying to keep up with his mates. And whilst that's fine if he was some insecure, needy kid with no responsibilities, it's a bit sad in a grown-up family man.

MorallyBankrupt Wed 22-Jun-11 11:39:10

She never said he was killing anything?! He might well be clay pigeon shooting!

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Wed 22-Jun-11 11:39:18

Shooting is a expensive hobby, dh does this too. But he sold one of his guns to carpet the house when we bought it!

Do his friends shoot? Are you sure he doesn't use the otherone? Are you sure he hasn't already sold it and spent the money?

He needs to know just how serious you are.

Purplegirlie Wed 22-Jun-11 11:39:26

We will end up losing our house if he carries on. He knows that. I've told him so many times. I think he is genuinely in denial and thinks that money will magically appear from somewhere at some point.

LRDTheFeministNutcase Wed 22-Jun-11 11:40:02

He really does need to grow up, yes.

I am assuming there are all sorts of good and lovely things about him, but this one will drive you nuts if it's not sorted.

Is it feasible to remove money from where he can access it? If so, I would do it. It sounds as if you hold back from buying necessary/reasonable things for you and the children because you are worried there won't be money to cover it when he's spent on luxuries. But he knows that he can always spend on luxuries because you won't have spent the money yet.

He sounds like a selfish wanker, frankly.

Purplegirlie Wed 22-Jun-11 11:41:18

LoveBeingAble, yes his friends shoot. He doesn't use the other one, he admits that he doesn't, but wants to hang onto it just in case. He hasn't sold it as it's still in the cabinet. He got the new super-duper expensive one as the old one wasn't as good and now apparently it's too good to sell.

EvelynBakerLang Wed 22-Jun-11 11:41:30

Selling the gun on e-bay would be illegal. FFS.

Purplegirlie Wed 22-Jun-11 11:42:25

Evelyn, why are you saying FFS to me? I haven't sold the gun on ebay and don't intend to....

GeekCool Wed 22-Jun-11 11:43:58

If the credit cards on his name, let him spend it, if you are on it, request removal (providing you are not main account holder). I agree, if he can take money out of the joint account so can you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-Jun-11 11:44:35

So what are you going to do purplegirlie? What's your gameplan to improve the situation.

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