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to not expect a 2 year old to be able to share?

(13 Posts)
jbcbj Wed 22-Jun-11 10:05:57

I went to visit an old friend the other day; there was another old friend there (both good friends). Their oldest dds are both about a year older than mine. We had had a short discussion earlier in the visit about sharing, when I said that dd was very young to understand but actually didn't do too badly - she is often quite good about giving a toy to another child or finding something else for them to play with (I sometimes worry that she is a bit too passive about this; no more will I worry now though! grin).

Anyway, dd was playing with a small trolley thing with balls in it. Friend's dd (fdd) came over and took one of the balls out of the trolley (there were others lying on the grass so these weren't the only balls around). DD screeched at her and tried to take it back. I went over, said (gently) to fdd that my dd was playing with those, and when she had finished it would be her turn - in the meantime should we go and find another ball? Fdd happily put the ball back and took my hand, at which point friend loudly said "fdd, (my)dd is not wanting to share right now, she doesn't really know how - you are very good at sharing though, well done for sharing".

I think she was trying to make her dd feel better, and fair enough (although she was fine) but I was a bit hmm. Probably overreacting though but I did feel a bit protective of dd as a couple of the children (whom she did not really know) had tried to take things off her already.

AIBU to think she is a bit young to understand sharing, and also to think that sharing is not about giving up a toy that you are playing with to another child that just comes and takes it? (I have said this to the CM before when she comments that dd does not always share very well. Admittedly dd sometimes has an issue with a child trying to play with something that she has used but put down). She can understand the concepts of "turns" quite nicely if it is explained to her but I am often a bit hmm that to some mothers sharing seems to consist of their child being allowed to play with whatever they want never mind if my dd (ok, I'll admit, pfb) is already playing with it!

Sorry about all the dd's. How selfish of my friend not to have had a ds to make this post easier to understand...wink!

She is still a friend btw. It was lovely to see her.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 22-Jun-11 10:09:49

2 year-olds are generous one minute and selfish the next. You sort them out when they're being selfish and say 'well done' when they do something kind.... until they get the hang of it. Never too young to start learning manners.

worraliberty Wed 22-Jun-11 10:10:37

I think it's a storm in a teacup.

Your DD sounds lovely and perfectly normal for a 2yr old.

Your friend sounds to me as if she wasn't having a dig, but simply explaining age difference to her DD and praising her for not throwing a tantrum.

Also, she may have been worried that her DD wouldn't understand how it's 'ok' for yours to 'not share' but that she herself has to. This can make some older children revert back to being toddlers if you see what I mean.

I do think it's all about the age gap.

SummerRain Wed 22-Jun-11 10:15:13

Sounds like she's doing well for her age (better than my 2yo!) but your friend is right in a way, as they get older and are playing in a group it would be normal for the games to interlink and for other children to be able to play with whatever she has at the same time and join in her games and there's nothing wrong with that, and it would certainly be rude for her to be possessive.

As the age gap is what it is I'd say your friend was right to say what she said, he daughter has progressed to open playing in groups but is still very young so might not have understood why a child she perceived as not that much smaller than herself was doing something that she might have been told off about.

BornThisWayBaby Wed 22-Jun-11 10:23:42

YANBU to expect your child not to share at that age smile
Souds like your friend was trying to make her DD feel better not intending to make you feel hmm

spookshowangel Wed 22-Jun-11 10:24:07

i dont think 2 is toy young to learn sharing, i dont think your friend was wrong for praising her daughter for reacting well to the situation when she could have reacted badly. think you are seeing judgyness were there is possible just good parenting.

vmcd28 Wed 22-Jun-11 10:35:18

Do i understand correctly that her dd is a year older than your dd? In which case, she WILL be better at sharing and I think your friend was simply praising her daughter for being a big girl and sharing well. Even if she wasnt, who gives a toss?! It's no biggie. I've had REALLY arsey comments from one of my "friends" - and you'll get plenty too - start getting used to it smile

Oh, just to add, I got given good advice when ds1 was small - dont tell young kids to "share", tell them to take turns with something. They understand the concept of taking turns better than sharing (even though it's basically the same thing).

DorisIsAPinkDragon Wed 22-Jun-11 10:36:08

I think YAabitU dd3 turned 2 a couple of weeks ago and I do make her share (and have done for some time).

In your scenario if there were other balls left in the basket (your op implies there were) it would have been a good opportunity to do a sharing chat i.e dd you have some and you've shared nicely and now fdd has one too...

sharing isn't a thing that suddenly happens but gently working on the concept has to start somewhere particularly if you know your dd has some difficulties with the concept.

UrsulaBuffay Wed 22-Jun-11 10:37:07

I don't think there was anything wrong with what she said to her DD, doesn't sound like there was any side to it.

MrsRhettButler Wed 22-Jun-11 10:40:13

Personally I would have picked up one of the balls on the grass and put it in dd's trolley and said no big deal it's the same but then I have no tolerance for anything that causes a fuss grin

Don't think either of you were right or wrong though

MrsRhettButler Wed 22-Jun-11 10:42:52

you are right though, sharing is NOT just giving up a toy you are actually playing with as some premed seem to think angry

MrsRhettButler Wed 22-Jun-11 10:43:31

Premed? WTF? I meant parents bloody iPad

jbcbj Wed 22-Jun-11 10:44:39

thanks all! fair enough - i was probably being a bit pfb and definitely reading too much into it. there was no issue made of it though, nothing was said, no hard feelings at all. i do discuss sharing with dd and taking turns; she is generally very good if i explain. i suspect that for her the issue was that this was not the first time, she didn't really know the other children (and was happily playing on her own) and it had been a long weekend...

all good though, and i have no worries about her ending up being selfish or mean, she is very gentle and generous usually but has a fine screech on her when she feels wronged!!!

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