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My bastard of a partner is watching porn whilst I struggle to feed our baby

(31 Posts)
Delski Tue 21-Jun-11 22:56:18

Recently had a baby and I'm struggling to fed him, partner no help.
Tonight I said I'd feed him upstairs then go to bed, partner was going to do some paperwork, I fed my baby got ready for bed and but telly on as a little background noise helps me drop off. I turn on and he's watching the adult channel babe something or other, I sneak downstairs and he's masterbating.
I screamed he was a pervert and gone to sleep in the baby's room. I don't want to see or talk to him. AIBU to feel like this. I tired very weepy and strutting to feed bubba.

Delski Tue 21-Jun-11 22:58:14

Sorry for typos using my phone

worraliberty Tue 21-Jun-11 22:58:25

YABU unless you asked him to help you feed the baby?

Anyway, masturbating doesn't make anyone a pervert...male or female sad

Northernlurker Tue 21-Jun-11 22:58:48

If you are unhappy with him watching porn then you need to talk to him about unsubscribing. I don't think masturbating by itself is a huge problem is it? If you are breastfeeding then there's not a huge amount he can do to help anyway.

StealthPolarBear Tue 21-Jun-11 23:00:57

What problems are you having OP? Can we at least help with those?

EricNorthmansMistress Tue 21-Jun-11 23:01:20

YANBU to feel unsupported by him. The porn/masturbating is a red herring, he's not a pervert for masturbating nor for enjoying porn, but it sounds like you feel he should be helping you more.

How many weeks is the baby? Are you getting proper support to improve the feeding issues? How could your partner help? I assume you're breastfeeding, so you may need to be very specific about what he needs to do to support you (unless he's actively being unsupportive in which case that's a different problem)

The months after having a baby can be pretty turbulent in every way, not least emotionally and sometimes I think we have to be very clear about what we need, rather than have general 'you bastard' type rants (tempting as they are)

The breastfeeding board is great for advice, by the way.

ZillionChocolate Tue 21-Jun-11 23:01:28

YANBU to feel upset and disappointed at his lack of support for you. I hope he will be shocked into modifying his behaviour.

Delski Tue 21-Jun-11 23:01:33

He knows I don't like porn and I've no problem usually with him masterbating but I've been in tears all night trying to feed the baby he knew that, but still had to watch porn.

StealthPolarBear Tue 21-Jun-11 23:02:57

yes, I understand OP sad Different priorities

Northernlurker Tue 21-Jun-11 23:03:17

So the issue is that he is thinking about himself and not about you and the baby? I agree the porn is a red herring really.

Tomorrow you need to sit down and tell him you need to feel he is with you in this.

worraliberty Tue 21-Jun-11 23:03:49

Maybe he didn't have to watch it but sometimes feeding can leave a DP feeling a bit like a spare part...and having a baby in the house is exhausting for both of you.

Watching a little soft porn on TV (cos that's all it is) was probably just his way of release.

Delski Tue 21-Jun-11 23:04:39

No I've no support, family are far away we are mew to the area.
Bubba won't always latch on and I feel if he doesn't have feed he will starve, silly I know but I'm a new parent.

StealthPolarBear Tue 21-Jun-11 23:06:30

OK, how old is he? Are you still seeing your MW every day? Has your milk come in? Is he weeing lots and pooing quite often? Do you have any other reason to be concerned about him?

DogsBestFriend Tue 21-Jun-11 23:06:35

Insensitive yes, a pervert, no. TALK to him lovey, screaming won't help, honestly.

I have never been in your situation but being an MNer has taught me that finding a DP/DH watching porn can seriously distress some women though others are cool with it, knowing that it's no threat to their relationship.

Let's get to the bottom of what's troubling you. The porn per se or that he's watching whilst you are a new mum? Or that he's watching whilst you are struggling to feed? I take it that you're breastfeeding? Are you having difficulty? Because if so the ladies on here can help (I can't I FF), which may make you feel less like you're struggling.

StealthPolarBear Tue 21-Jun-11 23:06:51

Was he full term? Was he jaundiced?

Delski Tue 21-Jun-11 23:07:08

I try not to make him a spare part and involve him but basically he's not interested. He's never changed him or gets up in the night with him, yes I know he works and I stay at home but a little help would be so good from him.

EricNorthmansMistress Tue 21-Jun-11 23:08:40

Ok so what Real Life help are you getting with feeding?

Have you posted on the breastfeeding topic for advice?

How old is the baby? Is he gaining weight nicely, enough wet/dirty nappies? Are your nipples sore?

Have you told him what help you need? Just to make a cup of tea and give you a foot rub, chat to you while you feed, bring you the TV remote, a magazine etc before he disappears off for a wank they can all help when you are feeding. I struggled with mine and I remember finding it terribly difficult - H watching me in tears while DS refused to latch, I know he felt completely useless and spare.

Delski Tue 21-Jun-11 23:09:20

Bubba is 4 months old and seems perfectly healthy, I'm just a worrier.

worraliberty Tue 21-Jun-11 23:10:29

He does need to support you. I agree with others who have said the porn is the red herring really.

Does he know how you feel? I mean sometimes as new Mums we can go into overdrive and look as though we are coping much better than we really are.

Do you try to include him? Some Dad's panic and end up leaving things to the Mum because they have little confidence in themselves.

Delski Tue 21-Jun-11 23:12:26

No I have not posted on there, not sure how mumsnet works yet.
He's not a heavy baby but not skinny either. Plenty of dirty nappies and very sore nipples, spoke to MW who just tells me to either carry on or go on formula. I'm trying my best but sometimes doesn't seem to be enough.

Delski Tue 21-Jun-11 23:13:20

I always include him I have from the day I found out we was pregnant.

Northernlurker Tue 21-Jun-11 23:14:35

Well congratulations on joining the league of mumsnetters who have been given shit advice from healthcare professionals.

Who has watched you latch on? You could do with some specific breastfeeding support I think.

worraliberty Tue 21-Jun-11 23:14:37

You'll find loads of help on here re breast feeding...so you've come to the right place smile

Dipinted Tue 21-Jun-11 23:14:54

Disgusting behaviour on his part OP. I feel for you.

You sound like you are having a very hard time, while he sits about with his dick out.

I hope that as above, you are getting some help with BF issues, but he sounds vile.

"Have you told him what help you need?"

How about he doesn't sit about, thinking through his cock and wanking and actually goes to ask her without being told/asked?

He isn't stupid, I assume, so can presumably tell that she is the mother of a 4 month old and more than likely would like her husband to just do something rather than sitting about masturbating,

fifitot Tue 21-Jun-11 23:15:39

You need some breastfeeding help. Shouldn't be sore. Go on the feeding board for advice, phone a helpline, go to a BF support group.

FWIW I think I would be pissed off if I was struggling to feed a baby and husband masturbating to porn. He could be making you a cup of tea at least!

Hope you get things sorted out. BF can be hard at first.

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