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AIBU to want to take partner to DC sports day when XH will be there (and probably have a face on)

(41 Posts)
MrsS01 Tue 21-Jun-11 18:39:01

Been divorced for 9 yrs since DC was a baby (XH had affair and walked out on us). Always asked XH to attend parents eve, school stuff and he usually has (although he's usually miserable, hardly saying anything to me), but I've put on a brave face for DC's sake. Now in a happy relationship (though only 5 mths) and DC likes new partner. New partner wants to go to DC's sports day and I'd like him to go to sports day. I know if new partner goes XH will have a face on, although he will have one on with me anyway. However am worried it'll cause friction and problems for DC. What would you do?

Mutt Tue 21-Jun-11 18:41:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fairydoll Tue 21-Jun-11 18:42:36

I totally agree with Mutt

Ormirian Tue 21-Jun-11 18:43:40

"However am worried it'll cause friction and problems for DC. " There you are then. There's your answer.

CurrySpice Tue 21-Jun-11 18:43:59

So do I. I think 5 months in is a bit soon tbh.

Why do you want him to go? To make a point?

worraliberty Tue 21-Jun-11 18:45:29

I wouldn't bring your boyfriend along as it's bound to make your child feel uneasy seeing his dad with a 'face on' and feeling the tention.

Perhaps think about it next year, if you're still together.

LittleMissFlustered Tue 21-Jun-11 18:45:54

It's about your kids, not your partner. He has no need to be there.

Seona1973 Tue 21-Jun-11 18:51:33

so your dc is 9 then? Do they want your DP to go to the sports day? At 9 they are old enough to have a say too.

MrsS01 Tue 21-Jun-11 18:51:34

Thanks, that was my gut feeling - next year. But thought it was nice of partner to want to go.

XH just p's me off as he'll be miserable, making me miserable.

MrsS01 Tue 21-Jun-11 18:52:43

Seona - I haven't asked him. I know he likes my partner. He'd probably say yes if I asked him, but hasn't asked if he's going as he know he works.

Pagwatch Tue 21-Jun-11 18:52:46

Someone you have been seeing for 5 months may be the start of a long term relationship but they shouldn't be of any significance to your child yet and so shouldn't go in a role which is really for parents or, at a push, grandparents.

And the fact that the tension could affect your dcs should cause you to dismiss the idea immediately.

You must miss watching these events with someone to elbow and chat about how fantastic your dcs are smile . That is an understandable wish.
But really, no.

fatlazymummy Tue 21-Jun-11 19:50:54

It is nice of your new partner but it is still very early days. There will be other opportunities for him to take an interest in your son's school activities without causing tension.

JudysJudgement Tue 21-Jun-11 19:55:12

stop using your kid as a pawn in your silly games

Seona1973 Tue 21-Jun-11 20:16:27

if he is at work then I wouldnt bother asking him to take the day off for sports day. Dh hasnt been to any of the sports days but does make time to go to other occasions that are of more importance such as ds's nursery graduation and to see dd get her awards at the end of year prize giving service.

MrsS01 Tue 21-Jun-11 20:22:35

judysjudgement - i think thats an unkind comment. You don't know me or what my XH has put my child and me through. I've never played silly games or used my kid as a pawn. I've always put my DC 1st even though my XH is vile to me and always puts himself before his DC, I don't let my DC see how this upset me. And even though my XH says bad things about me I never badmouth him to my DC.

I asked for comments of what other mums would do in my situation, not to be judged.

HappyMummyOfOne Wed 22-Jun-11 19:36:30

I'd ask your sons dad if he wants to go, he's the parent after all and should get the chance to see his son at sports day if he wishes.

Given you've already introduced your son to a new partner very early into dating, you run the risk of hurting him if the relationship goes belly up in the near future so asking him to significant parenting events over your ex is very wrong.

Your son should not be placed in the situation of choosing his dad or your boyfriend or feeling even slightly uncomfortable.

lunar1 Wed 22-Jun-11 20:53:36

Why would you introduce your child to a partner of only 5 months?

AmberLeaf Wed 22-Jun-11 20:58:55

How is your DP so well aquainted with your DC, enough to want to come to sports day after such a short relationship?

Too soon for the whole thing IMO

xstitch Wed 22-Jun-11 21:09:23

I agree with people saying that 5months is too soon.

If its any consolation my XH moans about me going to things as he doesn't want me there, gives me vile looks and makes even more vile comments. The trick is to ignore, smile and enjoy the sports day no matter how grumpy your ex is.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin Wed 22-Jun-11 21:25:15

'Why would you introduce your child to a partner of only 5 months?'

After how long would it be acceptable Lunar1?

OP, I think that it's probably better not to take your DP. I would take a friend/relative for support though, as it sounds like your ex takes it as an opportunity to be an arse to you. If you take your DP, your ex will get the argument he wants, as your DP will naturally be protective and likely to react to any verbal attacks on you. If you take eg a female friend and have a great time and pretend you're unaware of his presence you'll deny him the rise he's trying to get from you.

brickingit Wed 22-Jun-11 21:55:06

DC comes 1st; what's more, however much DC might like NP, he / she will still probably be worried that your new relationship might undermine his / her relationship with XH. Sports Day friction would exacerbate this. NP stays away ...

brickingit Wed 22-Jun-11 21:56:09

DC comes 1st; what's more, however much DC might like NP, he / she will still probably be worried that your new relationship might undermine his / her relationship with XH. Sports Day friction would exacerbate this. NP stays away ...

TidyDancer Wed 22-Jun-11 21:57:51

I think it's lovely that your partner would like to be there, but given the circumstances, it would probably be best for him not to be there.

MissVerinder Wed 22-Jun-11 22:00:24

What TIDY said.

fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran Wed 22-Jun-11 22:04:57

I am in a similar situation although a bit further down the line.

Me and DP are just over a year together and it's sports day at DD2 school. And prize day - all on the one day.

XH is going to be there, but DP is also going, if he can make it.

DD asked DP to go, she wants him to go and see her, so if he can manage it he will be there.

But he's going because she wants him there, not because ex is going to be there, if that makes any sense at all

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