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AIBU to not want my mum staying over as soon as I've given birth?

(29 Posts)
pipparoo Tue 21-Jun-11 17:24:13

As the years go on my relationship with my mum is getting more and more disfunctional. When she comes to visit she is completely disrespectful to my husband and sees no harm in telling us what to do/force her opinion on us.

I am due to give birth in the next few weeks and my mum (who lives 200 miles away) has stated that she is coming to stay for the night when the baby is born. She stayed with us when our daughter was born and completely ignored my husband's role in his new baby's life and made us both feel uncomfortable in our own home. AIBU to not want her to come to stay? Really what I think I need is some advice on how to deal with her that doesn't resort in the usual screaming matches/her telling us that she never wants to see us again etc etc. Can't face such at this late stage!

TIA

Xales Tue 21-Jun-11 17:26:51

Don't let her know until a week after the baby is born?

pipparoo Tue 21-Jun-11 17:28:43

ha, was thinking that. Would take serious guts on my part!

dickiedavisthunderthighs Tue 21-Jun-11 17:29:08

"This time I would just like to be with my husband and new baby for the first few weeks but we'd love to see you when everything has settled."

twooter Tue 21-Jun-11 17:29:36

Do you need her for childcare? If not could you suggest a b&b?

Punkatheart Tue 21-Jun-11 17:30:14

I am very close to my mother and even we fell out when she came to stay after my DD was born. DON"T DO IT! It's a stressful time - and it is your time.

LadyFlumpalot Tue 21-Jun-11 17:32:02

I had this but with MIL and it was a fortnight, not just a night. I was so stressed about the prospect that it was affecting my health in the last few weeks of my pregnancy. In the end, I just told her "no". I told her (politely) that I couldn't be dealing with houseguests at that time, of course her input was vital to my childs wellbeing, and the best way she could help, which no-one else would have the decency to think about, would be to give me some space. Of course, she would be the first person invited etc, etc.

Basically I just flattered the pants off of her and made her think that everyone else was being rude and disrespectful by crowding me.

It worked...

Good luck!

Nixea Tue 21-Jun-11 17:32:31

Try explaining that you think the transition would be easier on DD if it was just the three (well soon to be four! Congrats BTW) of you in the house and that once you're settled you'd love to have her to visit.

LolaRennt Tue 21-Jun-11 17:35:03

Tell her no. Or tell her after the baby. You cant really pussy foot around it can you?

pipparoo Tue 21-Jun-11 17:36:22

Twooter I have very considerate inlaws who are going to take care of my DD when labour starts, so no. She's said no to staying with my sister who lives down the road, justification being that we have a guest room so why would she, so bnb suggestion wouldn't go down well.
Thanks Punkatheart, I agree that it's our time, just wish she would too!
dickie I'm liking your diplomacy, I'm going to try it out and see how I get on.

Thank you for your replies

pipparoo Tue 21-Jun-11 17:39:35

I definitely can't, Lola, and realise that I have to get on and tell her it's just not happening.

I like your suggestions LadyFlum and Nixea, flattery is the way to go with my mother to avoid the arguments!

ChaoticAngelofLitha Tue 21-Jun-11 17:53:00

Is that guest room eventually going to be the baby's room? If it is I'd get it turned into a nursery now before the baby arrives, when you have one less child to look after and a bit more energy than you'll have after baby arrives.

"I need is some advice on how to deal with her that doesn't resort in the usual screaming matches/her telling us that she never wants to see us again etc etc."

Well if this does happen you'll get the time alone you want when the baby is first born. Not the ideal way but <shrugs> She will come to see you again eventually if she wants to see her DGC.

pipparoo Thu 23-Jun-11 10:11:07

Thanks Chaotic. The guest room is there to stay hence her thinking she can use it whenever she wants. There's water damage in there at the mo and I was even considering getting the building work underway around my due date so it's out of bounds but of course that's just stupid. I'm going to tell her today that we need our space and will not be accepting houseguests and she can react how she wants and we'll deal with it

fulllife Fri 24-Jun-11 12:06:37

more power to you! did the same thing at 4 months already - the idea of my parents (both) nesting with us for weeks just made me hyperventilate. do expect her to switch completely to "non-recepetion" my parents completely refused to budge and i actually found out that they had bought flights without consulting with me , and after, that they were planning on "sneaking in" and waiting on stand by to pounce on me "surprise!!" when the little one was born. i never once retreated though, you are the only one who knows what will be good for you and its your duty to create the most welcoming and peaceful environment for your newcomer. just saying: do it now, expect it to hurt, and expect it to take about a months until everything is settled...ah, and dont try to reason, its just a waste of time.

MeconiumHappens Fri 24-Jun-11 12:28:12

have the baby, tell her you have to stay in the hospital for two days for observation....

ZonkedOut Fri 24-Jun-11 12:34:10

You could tell her that the spare room is uninhabitable due to the water damage, maybe?

PrettyMeerkat Fri 24-Jun-11 12:52:20

This is perfect -

"This time I would just like to be with my husband and new baby for the first few weeks but we'd love to see you when everything has settled."

ASByatt Fri 24-Jun-11 12:55:58

Hmm but unrealistic to expect her to stay away for 'the first few weeks' - especially if nice inlaws are around and meeting new babe, surely?

Can you 'big up' the water damage issue? - Strictly on the basis of thinking of your dear mum's health?

PrettyMeerkat Fri 24-Jun-11 13:05:38

OP Would you rather she didn't stay at all or is there a time when you would feel better about it, say after a week or so?

Would she really refuse to stay at your sisters?

It must have been tough on you both and particularly your DH last time. I think that is awful when dads get pushed out.

InTheNightKitchen Fri 24-Jun-11 13:06:40

I think you are asking the wrong question. You shouldn't be trying to think of a way to get rid of your mum without her getting upset. You should be trying to get her to understand that she doesn't have the right to use the threat of a row to get round your wishes.

My advice is that you tell her once, politely, that she can't come. Tell her that it is not convenient or that it will be difficult. If she complains, say that there is no offense intended, that you are grateful for the offer of help, but that you have made your mind up.

Then don't engage in any rows. Just say that you are sorry she feels that way. Don't get involved in bargaining/compromise. Put the phone or leave the room. Get your DH to tell her "sorry, pipparoo has decided this and i am sticking by it. She is 9 months pregnant so i am not discussing it further with her. You can visit at the time and place she has decided and we will be delighted to see you."

Sorry if this sounds harsh, in my experience there is no getting round people like your mother. If they don't get their way they will make you suffer for it no mater how you break it to them.

knittedbreast Fri 24-Jun-11 13:13:38

had the same. when i was at uni and had my son my parents who i had the most awful relationship with rang to say surprise we have driven 250 miles to see you and the baby!
there had been complications, my son and i went into shock, i was a mess. my bitch of a mother turned up at the hospital while i went home for a bath. she told the midwives she was my mother and they showed her my child without me there or wih my permission. i hadnt even known she was coming.

i was so angry i cannot explain. when she called me to say how beautiful O**** is i told her to get back in the fucking car and never come back.

i refused to see or speak to her for 4 months.

this time is so special, its about you and baby and your hubby. stand your ground

MistressFrankly Fri 24-Jun-11 13:15:35

Pretty Meerkat's line seems sound. I know its hard but you need to put your foot down. Your mother should not be making you feel anxious in your late stages of pregnancy and make you wory about new baby's early days. Her insistance to stay is unreasonable especially is your sister is close. You are an adult and a parent, it is time to do what is right for you, your DH and DCs. If she cannot accept it, leave her to the arguments and dont get dragged into it. If she cannot be supportive then that is on her. She will get over it. Probably.

MIL was a nightmare. She did everything she could to stress me out when i was pregnant and when we stood up to her she flipped (she's the adult because she is older? i think not). Neither i or my now xoh have spoken to her since i was 8.5 months gone. She has never met her gdd and i pity her but i was not going to have her taking over my family and making us feel like crap because we didnt want things to be how she insisted they had to be.

This time is about your new LO not your mum.

PrettyMeerkat Fri 24-Jun-11 13:17:22

I copied it from dickiedavisthunderthighs although would love to take the credit. smile

PrettyMeerkat Fri 24-Jun-11 13:20:54

My MIL refused to say whether or not she would look after my older child while I was in labour. I had literally no on else I could rely on and the only reason she did it was out of spite! I explained that I needed to know to try to make some other arrangements (what I don't know) and she just said it would "probably be ok". PROBABLY! Talk about stress. I have terrible labours and really needed my DH there, so the thought that he might not be because my MIL was trying to make me suffer . . .

Why do people not realise the stress they cause (although of course in my case it was intentional).

MistressFrankly Fri 24-Jun-11 13:22:14

smile fair enough yours was the closet name making the point and couldnt be arsed scrolling!

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