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to think I may be able to change DH's mind about a third baby

(16 Posts)
whoneedssleepanyway Tue 21-Jun-11 16:09:30

I have two lovely DDs but can't help thinking I would really like a third DC and it isn't because I want a boy or anything, I was one of 3, DH was one of 3 and I had always thought I would have at least 3 or 4 DCs.

DH is categoric that he doesn't want anymore. We had quite a hard time with DD2 and he doesn't think he could go through that again. In addition our nephew who was born around the same time as DD2 has special needs as a result of complications during the delivery and DH thinks we should count our blessings.

I am thinking more and more though about how I would like a third, not necessarily straight away but in the next few years. When I ask DH if we can just have a conversation in a years time about having another one he says no.

Am I feeling like this as it is like closing a chapter saying we won't have any more and I would feel the same if we did have a third (i.e. you always feel a bit sad when you know you won't have anymore) or did you know when you felt your family was complete so to speak.

revolutionscoop Tue 21-Jun-11 16:14:55

Sounds like your dh's mind is made up TBH. If you keep pushing the issue you are likely to damage your relationship. Tread carefully.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Tue 21-Jun-11 16:21:47

I think you should leave it alone a bring it up in a year, by keep asking if you can have a convo you are making him dig his heels in. Give him some time.

dickiedavisthunderthighs Tue 21-Jun-11 16:23:01

You're pushing something that doesn't need to be pushed yet. Asking if you can have a conversation in a year's time is nonsensical; just have that conversation in a year and see where you both are.

You could end up doing a lot of damage to your relationship by trying to get him to make a decision on something that could be years away.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 Tue 21-Jun-11 16:23:02

My dh never forgave his exW for stopping the pill without telling him and getting pregnant when he categorically stated he didn't want a third. She thought it was very amusing and also used it as a way to hang onto him for another few years when the marriage turned sour.

Not so amusing when he moved out unable to cope with the deceit, even years later she moans that he "left her with 3 kids"

I would be open and honest and have a frank discussion about the benefits of a third child, but you have to respect no meaning no.

stillstanding Tue 21-Jun-11 16:23:15

I am in exactly the same boat as you, whoneedssleep - I very much want a third but DH is not keen. He has his reasons and they are all very good ones. Mine are self-indulgent (... I honestly can't think of a single non-selfish reason to have another!)

I think your DH is being unreasonable to slam the door shut especially when you are just saying that you want to discuss the matter in a year's time. I think perhaps you do just what you say, ie don't push him about it now, but bring it up in a year's time when the memories of DD2 and your nephew may be less raw.

Ultimately though (for myself anyway) I am of the view that when it comes to having more than two children, if one person doesn't want another then you don't have another. Makes me very sad anyway though.

whoneedssleepanyway Tue 21-Jun-11 16:27:03

stillstanding I think you are right about that.

and I would never even deceive him and get pregnant by "accident" I can see how someone could not ever get beyond that.

i don't badger him about this, and think i will leave it for some time.

i just wondered though did you feel sad because it was your last baby at whatever number...

itisnearlysummer Tue 21-Jun-11 16:27:52

Well I do believe in counting your blessings. Especially if you had a tough time with DD2.

We have 2 DCs. I had a dreadful pregnancy and nearly lost the second and we both felt very strongly that someone had been looking out for us (and neither of us are remotely religious).

We would have loved 3 but decided not to because we thought whoever had been looking after us last time might decide we were on our own the next and neither of us fancy our chances.

Sometimes I do get broody now, especially at the moment. I know deep down that my family is complete but when I look at mine growing and realise I'm never going to BF again, never going to smell baby head, never going to wonder what my baby's voice is going to sound like ever ever again, it does make me incredibly sad.

And I think that is what is behind my current broodiness. So I won't mention it, won't discuss it and won't consider it. Not seriously.

itisnearlysummer Tue 21-Jun-11 16:29:04

If I win the lottery however....

stillstanding Tue 21-Jun-11 16:31:30

Well, at the moment (DS2 is 16mths) I am in firm denial of the fact that this is my last and am still packing away baby clothes and car seats diligently. I am trying to think of all the positives about having only two and hope that ultimately it will feel just like it was meant to be. Really we need to hear from someone who went through this stage say 10 years ago and whether they have any regrets (expect some do .... which is obviously purely anecdotal and no relfection on what you/I will feel). I think most women must feel sad that they would never have another baby even if that baby was no. 8!

Insomnia11 Tue 21-Jun-11 16:35:05

We went to a fun fair with some friends who have three kids. Just totting up how much they had to spend for everything x 3 was enough to put me off grin (X 2 is bad enough) Plus 3 x dancing classes, 3 x swimming lessons 3 x uniforms 3 x university fees...also another big factor for us is that with 4 of us, we can go and visit my parents on the IOW quite easily or other family and friends up north...with 3 kids it wouldn't be possible.

I know lots of people do it well but it can be a big step to go from 2 to 3.

wearylawstudent Tue 21-Jun-11 16:51:07

Is he so against it he's wanting to get the snip?

lukewarmmama Tue 21-Jun-11 16:54:02

In answer to your last question, yes I do think you feel sad at the door closing on another, how ever many you're at.

I've got two, and emotionally I would love a huge family. But practically and physically I can't do it (so much so that I gave away all my maternity and baby stuff as soon as I could, to remind myself how much I didn't want to go through that again, because you forget so easily when they get older). DH is even more adamant than me.

Doesn't stop me feeling so sad about the children I will never have though. I find it helps to focus on the ones you DO have, and start thinking about yourself and your dh as well, as it's sk easy to forget to look after anyone but your dcs.

whoneedssleepanyway Tue 21-Jun-11 17:29:24

funnily enough weary not that against it...

Nixea Tue 21-Jun-11 17:38:58

We're having this very argument discussion at the moment in our house only it's the opposite way around. It's DH that would love another child and me that really, really can't understand why!

I do think that there's no point pushing him at the moment as he's clearly made his mind up. Rather than saying you want to discus it in a years time why not let him be and then bring it up in the future. Unfortunately if he's still decided then I'm not sure what else you can do. Sorry though - it must be really hard.

skybluepearl Tue 21-Jun-11 17:39:53

i wanted three and have three boys. DH wanted to stop at 2 but then after a while was happy to have a third. My family is now complete.

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