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Its only been two days, the guilt is killing me alreadyand nothing I do now will make it better

(17 Posts)
Fernier Tue 21-Jun-11 15:10:12

I have 4 children, we recently found out I was pregnant with dc5. Not expecting to be pregnant but realisitcally we took a risk even if it was only once and so there we go. We are happy about it but I am being eaten up by guilt over my sister.
She has been trying for betwen 1-2 year already (she didnt tell us exactly when she started ttc but at least 18 months i would say possibly more). She has had mulitple miscarriages in that time I will have had 2 or maybe even 3 children (if it has been slightly longer than I thought).
Normally as soon as i have had a positive test i have told her but I just cant bring myself to this time I feel so guilty and selfish for being pregnant again and more than that for feeling anything less than overjoyed when I first found out. I know she would give anything to see those two lines on the pregnancy test.

To make matters worse one of her due dates was in a few days. I have no idea how to handle this if she gets pregnant (or already is since she stopped telling people for the first few weeks after the first mc) then it will seem llike i did it to copy or something if she DOESNT then well I am pregnant and she isnt.

I dont want to hurt her feelings but i dont want her to feel like i am hiding it from her either - we dont live close to each other but we speak every single day especially online (we carry ipad around with us and talk through our housework and cooking even!) and the other way I dont want her to be upset i havent told her.

what can i do everytime I talk to her I feel so guilty about this and so worried about hurting her or damaging out relationship.

Fernier Tue 21-Jun-11 15:10:52

i forgot to add my aibu
aibu to wait to tell her

KnitterNotTwitter Tue 21-Jun-11 15:13:06

Not unreasonable to wait at all IMO... I'd make sure you tell her face to face when the time comes. Also if you want to white-lie you can say that you thought you were 12 weeks but the scan says 16.... or something like that?

jesuswhatnext Tue 21-Jun-11 15:13:20

tell her exactly what you posted here! - she is bound to feel a bit jealous, but that dosnet stop her from loving you or the baby!

lazarusb Tue 21-Jun-11 15:13:34

I would wait a while longer to tell her. I'm sure she will know that you haven't got pg just to spite her. Allow her time to deal with your news and don't push her for her opinion. Good luck.

iwanttoseethezoo Tue 21-Jun-11 15:14:09

Sigh - this is a hard situation. It's not your fault you fall pregnant easily and not her fault that she doesn't - life is unfair like that. Personally, I would wait a little while, maybe till 12 wks, and when you tell her say that you wanted to make sure everything was OK before you told anyone? Maybe within that time she might either get pregnant herself, or at least get past the 'due date' of her previous failed pregnancy... one way or another you will have to tell her of course, but I would leave it till a few weeks after this 'due date' so she's got that out of the way...

itisnearlysummer Tue 21-Jun-11 15:15:15

I don't think YABU for any of it.

YABNU to be "less than overjoyed" - a 5th child might make a lot of people feel like that if it wasn't planned.

YANBU to want to wait to tell her, at least until her difficult due date has passed.

YANBU to be concerned about how this will make her feel.

In fact the only think you are BU about is feeling guilty and selfish.

Good luck to you and DC5.
Good luck to your sister too.

MenaZovut Tue 21-Jun-11 15:15:37

I think the only way is honesty, sooner rather than later. Telling her AND her finding out second hand or finding out she's been left out will be doubly hard to take. Acknowledge her feelings about it, don't over-talk it.

nightowlmostly Tue 21-Jun-11 15:17:03

yanbu, if you want to wait for a few days, weeks even. She doesn't have to know that you waited at all, especially if it's unexpected news.

I'm sure she won't think you're 'copying' her. I understand that she may be upset at first, so you're probably right to wait until her due date passes, not being unreasonable, just thoughtful!

Congratulations, by the way!

thegruffalosma Tue 21-Jun-11 15:19:44

I would just tell her. There isn't going to be a good time. She will probably be upset but that's not your fault and it's not her fault.

freddy05 Tue 21-Jun-11 15:40:03

Congratulations to you.

If you are going to tell people then tell your sister, if you are telling noone until after your scan then tell noone. The only thing you really want to avoid is everyonelse knowing and her not. I've been there and it made me really angry being shut out because I was unable to conceive myself. I had been clear though throughout about the fact that I didn't mind other people having babies that was great for them but if they wanted to let me know they were pregnant then to do it when they told everyonelse but to give me space to be upset for myself while still wishing them all the best. Has your sister ever given you any idea about how she would like to be communicated with about this?

I hope you get past this soon so you can get on with enjoying your pregnancy

iggitwotimes Tue 21-Jun-11 15:45:44

A due date is hard enough, so waiting till after that (and not the day after!) seems kind.
Her hurt and anger are not directly to do with you, iyswim, but at the hand life has dealt her.
Incidentally I was a fifth child, and after the schock my parents have been very glad to have me (I think!)
It's good that you are thinking of her feelings, IME many people don't.

MrsSnaplegs Tue 21-Jun-11 16:11:01

I had something similar with a friend and it is really difficult. Friend had been TTC through IVF and just had last attempt. DH and I not trying actively for no2. I discovered I was pg just as she found out her last IVF attempt had failed. I told her and yes she was upset for herself as I expected but really pleased for us. 6 months later she found out she had conceived naturally and has just given birth to a healthy baby boy.

YANBU but I would suggest ensuring you do it face to face, after she has got over her upset from her due date but before it becomes public knowledge IYKWIM

jenrendo Tue 21-Jun-11 16:18:34

YANBU but I have been your sister and it really hurts when your sister/friends are scared to tell you they're pregnant because you can't be. I had many rounds of failed IVF and all through these everyone else got pregnant, including my sister. One of my friends even told me the day I came out of hospital from having my embryos implanted. She blurted it out and cried because she felt so guilty. I would never want anyone to feel guilty for being pregnant when I'm not. Yes, it sure did upset me, but I was happy for them and cried for myself only after I'd shut the door. Your sister doesnt have to know you weren't overjoyed but if you speak every day she will be hurt if she finds out you've been holding back. Congratulations and good luck!x

RoseC Tue 21-Jun-11 16:18:57

YANBU. From what you say, I am as close to my sister as you are and I think if we were in that situation and I was you I would wait and (I think) I would like her to wait if she was you. Second those who are saying do it face to face if you can and try and do it before other people know (realise with the distance it may not be possible). Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 21-Jun-11 16:19:44

You're being very considerate of your sister, OP. Congratulations on your pregnancy. smile

I'm sure that your sister will be delighted for you, once she has had some time to deal with her feelings over this latest 'unfairness'. It's a shame that some people who so want to conceive, can't, and others who would rather not, do, but that's life.

I think you could sweeten the pill by keeping the news from everybody but your DH for now and your sister being the first person that you tell after him. I think if it were my sister, I'd labour the point about how much you're looking forward to having a niece or nephew and that you're sure it will happen, as she'll be a wonderful Mum herself. If it never happens, your kind words won't have injured her feelings at all.

Good luck, OP, not easy at all...

happylittlebear Tue 21-Jun-11 21:16:46

OP, I was in a similar situation when i found out i was pg with ds, he was planned but it happened a lot quicker than i thought it would and my sister was just about to start her 4th round of IVF.
I kept quiet in the beginning, not even telling my mum in case she felt awkward and then we found out my sis IVF had failed sad

It was just before xmas and i didnt say anything in case it made her and bil xmas even worse than it was going to be....a few days later we found out it had actually worked and she was pg, just that she had tested a little too early grin.

I still held off for a bit longer to let her have her "moment" IYSWIM as she had waited so long for it.

Although I cant know what her reaction would have been if her IVF had failed she was over the moon for us and a bit upset that we hadnt said anything and I think felt a bit guilty that i'd been feeling too awkward to tell anyone.

My initial plan had she definitely not been pg would have been to wait until after xmas and then tell her first before anyone else as I didnt want her to think all the family had discussed it and been talking about her.

It is really awkward and obv she will probably feel a bit jealous, upset and a lot of other things but eventually i'm sure she'll understand that you cant help being able to get pregnant as much as she cant help not being pregnant

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