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Hmm i think i am some may not.

(16 Posts)
M0naLisa Tue 21-Jun-11 09:42:27

My sister (again)

She has a 1 year old little boy.

She is one of these who is skint ALL the time, lives in her overdraft because she cant control her money. When her boyfriend moved back in she rang TC and they told her she would get £80 per week in WTC on top of her CTC. She took this as gospel and went out and spent money which was for her bond on her house on clothes, H&M, Primarni, Asda, etc etc which tbh if she wants to go out and spend money she hasnt got on clothes thats her problem not mine, Only when it came to actually doing the TC claim when he BF moved in she was only entitled to £4.90 per week so she shagged herself over that.

Last week she was moaning she had no money for this, no money for that, she was constantly arguing with BF because of money, then moaning because she couldnt go for fathers day meal - which she did eventually.

Anyway she posts on her FB (i know i know FB) that she wants to buy her little boy some Converse Trainers. I mentioned that by the time he got used to them they would be too small for him.
Next thing i know shes giving me an ear bashing about how much my husband and i paid for some trainers for ourselves in 200 and pissing 7. Also i got the 'oh and how much do you pay for your glasses?'
Excuse me i get them free from NHS prescription and if i want designer i pay £40 towards them.

Do you know i actually loathe being a big sister sometimes.

TBH i dont know what i am asking i am just renting again

AuntieMonica Tue 21-Jun-11 09:44:36

did you post about your sister and her TC claim before?

M0naLisa Tue 21-Jun-11 09:53:16

yeah. il find it.

M0naLisa Tue 21-Jun-11 09:55:02

sorry i cant find it.

Imnotaslimjim Tue 21-Jun-11 09:58:09

She sounds very entitled tbh. She wants what everyone else has got, even though she doesn't workwhether she can afford it or not. My little sister is just the same and it drives me bonkers.

I just leave her to it now, I bailed her out once and won't be doing it again. She was ungrateful and rude about it, and never took notice that I skinted myself for the month to help her out

worraliberty Tue 21-Jun-11 09:59:39

Well you can always earn a few quid 'renting' your thread out grin

Imnotaslimjim Tue 21-Jun-11 09:59:47

crap, ignore the bit about her not working, that was about my sister not yours. Don't know if your sister works or not!

ChaoticAngelofLitha Tue 21-Jun-11 10:11:39

grin Worra

YANBU just ignore her as much as you can and don't let her get to you. Easier said than done, I know, but it'll be better for your blood pressure smile

AuntieMonica Tue 21-Jun-11 10:25:22

tbh, it sounds as if you've both got into a cycle of out-doing or under-doing each other, so the best thing to do is ignore her.

so what if she wants to buy her DC certain trainers, would you prefer him to be dressed more shoddily? just in the same way it's none of her business how much you pay for your glasses (where do you get that deal from though, i need to get mine sorted...it's £££££ shock)

i realise how difficult it is to ignore, i have 3 sisters....they there is a myth that me and DH are 'minted', not because we are, just we rarely talk about income/expenditure with anyone outside our four walls.

everyone is feeling the pinch atm, the current news headlines where benefits are under deep scrutiny is setting tone for lots of people to turn on each other.

she must have more endearing qualities, or you wouldn't care so much about this part of her smile

fastweb Tue 21-Jun-11 10:27:35

Has anything you have tried to say to her ever got through ?

Other than your frustration and bust ups, what have been the fruits of trying to broach the subject of her management of her financial situation ?

If all you are getting is heartache and fighting, without any compensation in the form of helping her find a better way to budget, then stop.

Hide her on facebook (I think you can do that rather than defriend right ?), if she starts to whinge about money, change the subject, or find a reason to leave the room\end the call (go for an unneeded, but convenient cup of tea, a pee, popping to the shops). worst case scenario and you can't get a way, listen rather than speak, with the occasional non committal "ah ha" to demonstrate your presence int he conversation. (very good idea to think soothing thoughts at that juncture, to avoid boiling over with frustration)

Sometimes you just have to accept that people need to find their own way (or stay lost) and you cannot make a difference over and above creating bad feeling that they then use to deflect their attention away from the self induced nature of their plight.

Be there if you can if it all goes horribly,horribly bent, but don't let anybody take the piss by using you as a constant money shaped crutch so they can avoid facing up to the results of their behaviors.

The above is where nobody can take away your control because those are your choices and yours alone. Feeling back in control again is a huge relief after a long period of feeling impotent.

Possibly opting out of the dynamic where she uses your (perceived) criticism as a distraction, she might reflect on what lies within her control a little more. If her frustrations with her situation cannot be redirected and released via a row with you, then maybe they will build to a critical point where she reassesses how she wants to go forward. If she is free from external criticism she might be less defensive, which helps when you need to be a bit more self critical.

I don't doubt that your motivation to challenge her comes from love, but it might not just be "not working", it might actually be thwarting any progress, and it is upsetting both of you to boot.

Time to try something different, and I can heartily recommend the sense of liberation that comes from accepting that which you cannot change and focusing instead on solely the choices you have complete control over. Your own.

I know it is easy to say and hard to do. I stumbled so many times, mainly out of a sense of guilt from not trying to solve their problems for them by poiting out they needed to deal with the heart of the matter, but it was really worth the effort to get there in the end.

backwardpossom Tue 21-Jun-11 10:28:08

I know it's hard (believe me, I know from my brother how hard it is), but presumably your sister is an adult - you can't make her decisions for her. Just ignore...

WriterofDreams Tue 21-Jun-11 10:33:27

My sister is similar in the sense that she overspends all the time and whinges about it constantly. She then expects everyone, including my absolutely skint younger sister (who is a student) to lend her money and gets aggressive and bitchy if they don't. She is also a horrendous bitch mind you so that's not her only failing. I ignore her mostly, she only gets me riled up and there's no point.

JudysJudgement Tue 21-Jun-11 10:42:36

why do you tell your sister your business?

why does she tell her hers if you both get irritated about it

M0naLisa Tue 21-Jun-11 11:03:43

AuntieMonica
NHS you pay so much towards, i think the top price to getting designer galsses for free is £40 top. But on this occasion she is talking about i didnt know i was entitled to and paid £275 for some Emporio Armani Glasses.

She does work. But what she gets in wages goes on to her extortionate rent.

She was living in a small 2 bed terrace, she split with bf, had trouble from his family so she moved to a house that was vacant on my mums street, she pays £475p/m which i know to some isnt a lot. But when she only earns £300p/m shes skint. She pays ALL the bills. Her BF moved back in and spends his wage £200p/w on shite they don't need. Shes paying off extortionate amounts off her catalogue and credit card which HE has run up. I mean yeah he likes his games but including interest £700 for a PS3 is ridiculous.

Shes shagged herself over because she has a car on finance which is in my dads name cos she couldnt get credit. But because she got that when she was with BF before they split and before they got back together HE wanted a 1.8 sport. so she got one. <rollseyes> Hes already smashed up 3 cars, the last one being Christmas Eve 2008 when he cant remember anything, only being cut free by fire fighters after doing 90mph on a m-way slip road coming out of work on a 40mph road!!!!!!!!

She pays £130p/m on HER insurance, he isnt on it because when it was they paid £150p/m EACH to insurance. shock

sorry for rambling on. just gave back story.

M0naLisa Tue 21-Jun-11 11:07:24

Judy
Are you sure your not my DH in disguise?! He says the exact same, he doesnt get involved and when she starts he switches off. grin maybe i should take a leaf out of her book.

Thing is i look like the bad one then when shes posting things on FB saying
'seems im not allowed to buy little man anything no more'

As if iv banned her from buying him stuff.

I just dont want her to spend gawd knows how much on some baby converse that will be ruined as he is toddling and wont fit him by the end of august!! Waste of money if you ask me.

M0naLisa Tue 21-Jun-11 11:10:06

Fastweb
no nothing i say gets through to her,when she was on income support a company rang her saying she needed to pay a debt (studio cat i think) and i said to tell them you are on income support now, things have changed and you can only afford £5 instead of the £45 they were asking. She didnt listen and paid the full £45 then moved into my mums for a week cos she was skint.

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