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wanted a 2nd girl but ended up with 3 boys - tell me IABU and need to move on.

(25 Posts)
RuddyNora Sun 19-Jun-11 23:05:26

I am aware that this should probably be in mental health but I wanted more traffic so more replies. A thread I posted on earlier has got me thinking.

DD2 was stillborn and was a much wanted sister for DD1. I found out I was pregnant again 2 months after we lost her (fuck knows how that happened confused), we later found out it was twins. It was not planned, I was not ready for it and we were so deep in grief, it seems like I sleepwalked through the pregnancy. I gave birth 10 months after the stillbirth.

They told us one was definitely a boy and the other they were not sure of. I desperately hoped for a girl. He was a boy! Now straight after the birth I felt like I'd won the lottery but that soon wore off. I'm not sure if it was because they were such hard work or because they were boys but I realise now I resented them and still do to a point. Even though they are 9 now, I still find them very difficult to deal with. They don't listen to a word I say and I have very little patience and shout a lot which I hate myself for. I am starting to wonder whether their behaviour to due to the fact that they sense my underlying resentment. Don't get me wrong, they are very happy kids, not neglected in any way and know they are loved.

I was desperate to give DD a sister and felt like I'd failed her. She was well aware of the stillbirth (4 years old) and was not impressed with them being boys.

I have recently had another baby boy (last one and I secretly hoped it would be a girl)and am over the moon with him but still get so sad that I ended up with another boy.

DD was disappointed too and still talks about DD2. I so wanted her to have a sister and feel like crap about it. I am actually jealous of women who are pregnant with girls I am ashamed to say.

All my boys are much loved and I feel blessed but I really can't seem to get over the fact that I won't have another girl. I know I have unresolved issues about my stillbirth which counselling has not helped with. It was not straight forward and I have posted about it on this thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/childbirth/1240689-Is-this-the-norm-in-UK.

I need to get over it but I don't know how?

expatinscotland Sun 19-Jun-11 23:07:46

I don't know what to say other than xxx.

Sorry you're going through this.

FabbyChic Sun 19-Jun-11 23:08:46

You need help, you have for nine years taken your grief out on your boys because they were not girls, or one of them was not a girl.

Your boys behave the way they do because they feel the underlying emotions from you with regards their sex.

chicletteeth Sun 19-Jun-11 23:09:11

I am very sorry for your loss.
Why was DD not impressed with them being boys?
Why are you so sad that your newest baby is a boy?

Either way, you have unresolved issues that perhaps stem for the loss of you DD2 and I think you should speak to somebody about this.

RuddyNora Sun 19-Jun-11 23:11:10

I have had CBT for anxiety where this issue was worked on but it obviously did not work.

Northernlurker Sun 19-Jun-11 23:14:36

Well you can't get over it just by wanting to do so. You aren't failing your dcs because you haven't iyswim.

Lets break this down a bit:

You lost your dd - and I think the impact of stillbirth is HUGELY underestimated

You became unexpectedly pregnant - that's a trauma for anyone

You had twins - also a huge shock to the system for anybody - let alone a grieving parent

Your dd would like a sister - we all like to get our dcs what they want. I think this is particularly painful to you of course because of the loss. I would find that very, very hard too.

Come on lady - you sound like you are doing amazingly well with all this in the background! So what can you do now? You've tried counselling, I really don't think there is much else you can do except to give yourself a lot more time. You have 5 dcs. 1 you only knew as she grew inside you and that's a very, very hard thought. 4 you will know lifelong God willing. I suppose what I'm saying is try to look forward with your dcs at the people they will become. This is a longterm project smile I wish you well with it.

chicletteeth Sun 19-Jun-11 23:15:23

But why do you want another girl? Is is because you lost your DD2? When finding out you were pregnant with DC2, did you want it to be a girl? Or were you not bothered

fairydoll Sun 19-Jun-11 23:16:38

Can I say as an objective outsider that {a} feeling you are letting your DD down by not giving her a sister is absolutely ridiculous.Millions and millions of women have grown up without a sister perfectly happily.
(b) wanting another girl for yourself is totally fine.Your feeling are what they are , they are involuntary.I wanted my 4th to be another girl and remember dreaming it was a boy and being so disappointed!
I think you are way too harsh on yourself and should let yourself grieve that you won't have another daughter rather than trying to sweep your feelings under the carpet and move on too quickly.

MsTeak Sun 19-Jun-11 23:17:44

Fabby, what the fuck is wrong with you? Thats the 3rd post today that I've read from you that made me wonder that. Christ on a bike lady, find some sodding empathy. angry

OP, I have no experience, have you had specific counselling? Have you tried it again recently? It's never too late to go back to it.

midori1999 Sun 19-Jun-11 23:17:44

I don't really know what to say, but wanted to say something.

More counselling may help, it may not. I lost twin girls after they were born very prematurely last April and am expecting a baby girl any day now. (being induced on Thursday) I don't deny that although any living baby was our goal when we were TTC again, the fact that this baby is a girl I think has somehow made things a tiny bit easier in some ways. I don't know why though, I mean, why would it?!

I think lots of people find twins very difficult anyway and struggle a lot, so that may be affecting your judgement. Do you know many other parents of twins or are you a member of TAMBA etc?

I don't think anything can ever make losing a child easier, you just have to learn how to live with it somehow. I really feel for you.

RuddyNora Sun 19-Jun-11 23:19:02

Northernlurker - I am sitting here in uncontrollable tears. You are right and thank you x

AuntiePickleBottom Sun 19-Jun-11 23:20:04

you have to seek help.

but have you been to the gender disappoinment website

www.in-gender.com/Gender_Disappointment/

shakey1500 Sun 19-Jun-11 23:26:53

You have been through SO much and I also think you are beating yourself up with an invisible guilt ridden stick. You are not unreasonable to feel how you feel and it is obvious that an enormous amount of this guilt rest on your shoulders. Give yourself a break, accept that you have felt like xyz, accept it has been a part of that phase of your life, accept that it was not wrong to feel like this. Absorb it, forgive yourself.

xx <screws etiquette>

SpottyFrock Sun 19-Jun-11 23:29:21

I have no experience but just wanted to say sorry for your loss. Have you thought, perhaps, that you may have been equally as sad if your youngest child had been a daughter? What I mean is that perhaps you have assumed that what you want/need is another DD when what you really want is your DD2. Another little girl would still not have been her though and maybe you need to look further into whether you have spent 9yrs hoping for the 'magic solution' of another DD and that has stopped you properly coming to terms with the daughter you lost.
I hope you can find some comfort soon x

mrsgboring Sun 19-Jun-11 23:29:36

So sorry to hear about your DD2. I lost my DD to stillbirth (at 41+3) and then went on to have two DSs. I do feel sad that I don't have my DD and jealous of people who have girls. Also people who have 3 or more DCs as I really wanted another after DS2 but DH doesn't want to go through it again (we've had a horrid time over all obstetrically speaking)

I've no idea if I would feel this way if I hadn't lost DD. I don't really know how to move forward from here except to say that I do adore my DSs and the desire for a girl is mostly in the background and a small pain rather than the huge aching loss that is the desire to have my DD alive (IYSWIM). It is easy to fan the flames of girl desire by focusing on all the trappings of daughters - pretty party dresses and dolls houses and whatnot - and if I do that it makes me feel worse because these low level sadnesses get mixed up with the grief and become much bigger than they really are (and that makes me feel like a fruitcake).

I can only echo what others have said. I had a bit of counselling after DD which was rubbish. I haven't needed more, but I wonder if it might be helpful to have a counsellor work through with you to disentangle the grief from the gender disappointment. I think you may have both going on and because they are mixed together it's much harder for you.

Also Northernlurker is spot on that this is all a longterm project. How old is your last DC? I felt particularly ghastly when DS2 was a baby and realised he was going to be my last. I think it's a whole new phase of grieving for a lost child that you don't come to till your family is "complete" (which it never can be in our cases)

EightiesChick Sun 19-Jun-11 23:43:43

I really don't have experience with this but think spottyfrock has a good point. The fact that your later babies were boys has obscured what might have come to light anyway in time with another daughter - that it would still not be the same as having your DD2 with you. Echo all the suggestions about continuing to search for a good counsellor. The right counsellour is incredibly valuable. Good luck with it all and best wishes.

chipmonkey Sun 19-Jun-11 23:44:51

Auntie, I have often visited that site and am not sure how helpful it is, tbh. It's true that it's one of the only places where GD is acknowledged but I found that the more I visited it the more I felt justified in my disappointment IYKWIM and was much more inclined to wallow in it. I have four boys and am expecting a fifth DC and am really trying to love the idea of having five boys. (Deliberately haven't found out with this one)

Ruddy, I do feel for you. I think when you have lost a baby, you know you can't replace that baby but I think a lot of people do feel that they would want the same gender again if they have another baby to help fill the void.

I am also a bit sad that even if this baby is a girl that she won't have a sister. For a long time in our family, there were 3 girls ( my brother was a later "afterthought") and one of my sisters in particular has always been a good friend to me.

But your dd does have brothers who will in time be good friends to her too, although she might not see it that way now. And who's to say that even if she had a sister that they'd get on? A good friend of mine never got on with either of her sisters and this has been very painful for her over the years.

It does get better. One day, I was out shopping with my four boys and I looked at them walking side by side and just felt sheer pride. Today, dh and I were sitting on the beach and the boys were down at the shore together and they just looked amazing together, a cool little group of lads having fun and I really thought, it doesn't matter what gender the new one is, if it's a boy, he'll fit right in!

You will get there but be gentle on yourself, it takes time.

RuddyNora Sun 19-Jun-11 23:52:44

I know the guilt I feel about DD not having a sister is irrational and would almost certainly not feel that way if DD2 had not existed IYKWIM. I do feel like I focus on my sadness for her and what she has missed out on rather than MY own sadness.

I also feel incredible guilt about DD2s stillbirth as I was very ill during my 2nd month of pregnancy with a viral illness that could have contributed to her abnormality and I feel like I did not do enough to give her an opportunity of life when I agreed that she should not be resucitated [sic] at birth.

GothAnneGeddes Sun 19-Jun-11 23:59:46

RuddyNora - As other posters have pointed out, you have had a tremendous ordeal. I do think you might benefit from finding a good counsellor and working through those feelings. It's one thing to know something's irrational, but another to believe it sometimes. xxxxx

Fabby Chic - You are obnoxious on every thread you comment on. I've reported you to MN, because your posts are toxic. HTH.

RuddyNora Mon 20-Jun-11 00:00:32

Chipmonkey - like you I am incredibly proud of my DSs. In fact they are the most handsome boys in the universe IMHO and despite the fact that the DTs run me ragged and drive me to despair, I am secretly sometimes glad that they are so 'spirited' and the general life and soul of everything!

My sympathies to all who have been through a similar ordeal sad.

spiderpig8 Mon 20-Jun-11 00:03:24

Even if your illness did contribute to an abnormality (which is very very very unlikely) how would that possibly be your fault.
I think you are clinically depressed which is manifesting itself in irrational feelings of guilt.You really really need to talk to your GP and get yourself some help.

chipmonkey Mon 20-Jun-11 11:44:48

Ruddy sometimes it is better to let a child go, rather than see them suffer. It's a horribly hard call to make but I'm sure you made the right decision for your dd2.

darleneoconnor Mon 20-Jun-11 12:00:53

I think that if I'd been through what you've been through I'd feel the same.

porcamiseria Mon 20-Jun-11 13:31:16

oh dear, how very very sad. but you owe it to your boys to get some therapy NOW. There are some bloody good ones out there and I dont think its fair on your boys, and I suspect nor do you. do something, please

and my condolances for your loss, its fucking hard XXXX

RuddyNora I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with the others that you are coping remarkably well considering.

You clearly have some deep unresolved issues around the sad loss of your DD2 as if there was something different you could have done. That is a tremendously heavy and unfair burden to place on yourself and it must be absolutely draining to still be carrying it after so many years.

Do go back to counselling. My only suggestion would be to recognise that some issues are so big that you can only deal with them a bit at a time. So you may find you have some counselling, feel a bit better and then a while later the next issue bubbles up, this is normal and doesn't mean the counselling has failed but simply that you have processed as much as you can for that moment.

Take care.

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