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to be pissed off that yet again DS1 has been left out?

(60 Posts)
Hatesponge Sun 19-Jun-11 20:42:18

Brief history: I split with Exp 3 years ago. We have DS2 who is now 10. DS1 who is 12, is my son from a previous partner. DS1 has never met his 'real' father, and as Exp was in his life from the age of 18 months, he has grown up calling him Dad etc, which Exp encouraged.

There were some issues when Exp and I were together, as I felt he didn't always treat DS1 the same as DS2. Since the split however things slowly got worse, culminating in last summer when Exp said he could only afford to take DS2 on holiday, and DS1 couldn't come. This wasn't true - he also paid for his GF and her 3 children to go. So he could have paid for DS1 but chose not to.

Since then, and after I told him if this continued I would think about stopping him from seeing both boys, he's behaved a bit better and made an equal effort with them. Until today when DS1 came home and said he'd been at his friends all day (had a sleepover last night). He was waiting for Exp to collect him but he never turned up, and he then called Exp's parents house (where Exp lives) who said he'd gone out for the day with DS2, GF and her children.

DS1 is really sad, and said he doesn't understand why his dad left him out, esp as it's fathers day and he thought the 3 of them would spend time together.

I've text Exp about it, however I doubt I'll get a reply. Feel v sorry for DS1 however.

OnlyWantsOne Sun 19-Jun-11 20:44:38

He sounds like an insensitive twat.

mummyosaurus Sun 19-Jun-11 20:45:29

That's horrible, poor DS 1.

Wish I knew what to say, hopefully someone wise will come along soon.

chicletteeth Sun 19-Jun-11 20:46:12

YABU totally unreasonable to threaten him with being unable to see his son. He's behaving like a dick certainly, and his behaviour is really shitty. But that doesn't give you the right to prevent him from seeing his own flesh and blood (and unfortunately for you, that is the difference between DS1 and DS2).

I feel very sorry for your DS1 (does he know that his "dad" isn't his biological father?) but really, what the fuck is wrong with you for even thinking that it's ok to deprive your DS2 from contact with his father?

BootyMum Sun 19-Jun-11 20:50:00

Hatesponge, that's terrible. Feel sad for your DS1. Your ex is a pathetic excuse for a "father". I don't understand how he can do this to a boy who he's seen grow up and who considers him to be his Dad.

I am not sure I have any helpful advice for you, hopefully someone will be along in a minute who does. sad

FabbyChic Sun 19-Jun-11 20:51:52

He is not his biological father, he does not have to see him or do anything with him, he was there for him when he was with you but does not have to take the responsibility on now.

Nnow is the time for you to tell your DS1 that your ex is not his real father.

FabbyChic Sun 19-Jun-11 20:52:55

As he never adopted him he has no responsibilities to your first born, the responsibility lies with you to find his real father, and to tell your oldest the truth before he becomes damaged.

BootyMum Sun 19-Jun-11 20:56:43

Is it possible for you to discuss this with ExP? Is he a complete arse or is it possible that there is some reason for his recent neglect of DS1?

I agree that to ban him from seeing DS2 would be counterproductive - both in depriving DS2 of time with his father and may also make ExP retaliate - which may mean he digs his heels in even more about not including DS1 in family outings.

Perhaps if you and ExP got together and talked about this, could you let him know how disappointed DS1 was not to see him on Father's Day and that you were concerned about it? A long shot perhaps but I was wondering whether ExP may feel for whatever reason that he is best out if DS1's life...and this is what you and DS1 also want? Is that possible? Could he have it wrong somehow?

Hatesponge Sun 19-Jun-11 20:58:47

chicletteeth I haven't ever actually stopped Exp seeing the boys. My comment was made because in my view he was being totally unreasonable and unfair, and I wanted to make him think about how he was behaving. He has made no attempt to get any form of contact approved by the courts since we split, and chooses to rely on my goodwill. Probably because the alternative might cost him money as he also makes no financial contribution for the boys.

fabbychic DS1 is well aware that his dad is not his biological father. I don't need to tell him anything. He has known this since he was tiny. I have no idea where his real father is, and after 12 years I'm not going to start looking.

My view is that if you decide to act as a putative parent to a child, you don't then wash your hands of them 10 years later.

Tryharder Sun 19-Jun-11 21:01:15

God, I hate men sometimes. What a nasty, vindictive fucker. It's probably not OK to threaten your XP with not seeing his "real" child but how else are you supposed to reason with someone who is clearly not to be reasoned with.

Biological fatherhood or not, this man took on the role of father for the best part of a decade and the OP's DS calls him "Dad". Would it be OK to treat an adopted child like shit just because there was no biological connection.

OP, I have nothing constructive to suggest other than is there a grandparent or other in law you could talk to who would take your DS1's side and reason with your XP?

pingu2209 Sun 19-Jun-11 21:04:37

Does your Exp pay maintenance for DS1 and DS2 - even though DS1 isn't his by blood?

I know of a 'family' where this happened. For 8 years he was perfectly happy to call the child 'his daughter' and for her to call him 'dad'. When they split up he was forced to pay maintenance for the girl and in all the bitterness of the split he did so very begrudgingly. This bitterness ate into his original feelings for the girl and he refused to see her even though he was paying maintenance for her.

If your ex is paying for DS1 he may feel anger about that (money does that kind of thing) and is taking it out on the boy.

It is so very sad.

To be honest I think that it is unreasonable to stop him seeing his own son if he doesn't treat them both the same. However, I think I may well do the same thing in your circumstances.

Pictish Sun 19-Jun-11 21:04:41

Awww bless. I feel very sorry for your ds1, i really do. sad

chicletteeth Sun 19-Jun-11 21:07:01

Hatesponge it's not very nice what he's doing, without a doubt.
But do you really think it's ok to prevent your DS2 from seeing him? You obviously do otherwise you wouldn't have said it. You can't blackmail him into wanting to be with DS1 and that's effectively what you're trying to do.
Regardless, what if he still doesn't want to see DS1 but DS2 still wants to see his dad? Are you telling me that you'd actually stop him from doing so? It's a silly threat really, unless you want to be responsible for both of your boys not seeing their dads and why on earth would you want that?
Unfortunately whilst it would be nice for him to treat them both the same, he is not related to DS1 in that sense and so there is nothing you can do.
Re the contact, why would he have to go to the courts if you've got an arrangement anyway? Were you married? If you weren't then unless you can't agree on visitation, why would it have to go to the courts.

Re his financial contribution, if you want money from him for DS2, then go to the CSA. This really isn't the issue here though is it?

FWIW, I feel sorry for you and for DS1 but preventing contact with DS2 is not the answer and the bottom line is, if he doesn't want to see him, you can't make him

eandemum Sun 19-Jun-11 21:07:19

"I have no idea where his real father is, and after 12 years I'm not going to start looking"

WTF

Yes yr DS1 is being treated unfairly by yr exp and by YOU

Hatesponge Sun 19-Jun-11 21:08:00

Bootymum Exp and I haven't had a face to face conversation for about 2 years (since he beat someone up for talking to me - this being a year after we'd split). Since then, I've limited contact between us to texts, because the less he sees me and knows what I'm doing the better. Unfortunately that does make it difficult to have any sensible discussion, as I can send as many texts as I like, he can just ignore them if he chooses.

tryharder sadly the ex-ils are all totally on his side, they've previously told me they know I stole all his money (he didn't have any money!) when we split, how I ripped him off and ruined his life etc. I don't have any living family. I might try one of my close friends though, they've known him since we first met and he's been ok with them since we split. Might be worth a try.

BluddyMoFo Sun 19-Jun-11 21:08:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youarekidding Sun 19-Jun-11 21:09:11

I can understand a little why your EX would chose to spend more time money on DS2 in a biological sense. Though not a moral/ parental sense iyswim?

But to chose to take 3 children you haven't raised and are not/ haven't been dad to on holiday or out for the day without a child who you have been dad too is completely unfair. I agree that he chose to be a dad to DS1 and has theoretically dropped him for his GF 3 children.

YANBU to think he's being unfair but YABU to stop him seeing DS2 and think contact is up to your goodwill. Many split families don't go through court - its expensive for a start.

TheStallionOfSensibleness Sun 19-Jun-11 21:10:43

but hes not his dad?
i dont get it

Hatesponge Sun 19-Jun-11 21:12:10

pingu he doesn't pay a penny for either child. Never has. That doesn't stop him telling everyone I screwed him over financially. I actually don't need or want his money, but it annoys me that he plays the poverty card (as in last years holiday) when it's all lies.

FabbyChic Sun 19-Jun-11 21:12:40

He was a parent to him when you were together, he ceased to have to be anything to him when you split up, you are being unreasonable to expect him to do anything other than what he is doing. I married someone when my children were 7 and 2.5, there father was out of the picture, my husband was good to my kids but I never allowed them to call hm dad because he wasn't there dad.

You made a rod for your own back, deal with it.

TheStallionOfSensibleness Sun 19-Jun-11 21:13:32

why should this man have to take another mans kid out if he isnt his dad?

LeninGrad Sun 19-Jun-11 21:17:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeninGrad Sun 19-Jun-11 21:18:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hatesponge Sun 19-Jun-11 21:20:42

fabby my son wasn't 7 or even 2.5. He was less than 18 months old. When he started speaking, Exp asked if it would be ok with me if he called him Daddy. We discussed it and reasoned that as I was then pregnant with DS2, it would be odd for DS1 if he was calling Exp by his name, when his younger brother was calling him Dad. It was a joint decision, based on the fact that my then partner told me he loved me and my son, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with us.

Rod for my own back? hmm

FabbyChic Sun 19-Jun-11 21:21:24

He should never have been allowed to call him dad, my youngest started to call my husband dad and I put a stop to it and made him call hm by his name.

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