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Aibu about what happens after I give birth

(48 Posts)
UnreasonableDIL Sun 19-Jun-11 19:49:14

i am a reg but have name changed as dp knows my usual name.

I have just over four weeks till dc is due, already have dd who will be 18 months when dc2 arrives.

Dp has just come back from pil and told me they have decided that dd will stay with them for 1-2 weeks after dc is born. Aibu to want my dd at home with us?am feeling very emotional and don't want her away from me, I'm worried she will feel pushed out or confused.

I know why pil have suggested this, I was very unwell after having dd and confined to bed for 3 weeks on doctors orders. I think they are anticipating the same situation and are trying to make things easier for us so dp will only have me and the new baby to worry about and look after.consultant has said almost no chance of the same thing happening again now they are aware of the problem.

I really don't know if I'm being stubborn or if my reaction of 'no way is that happening' is normal? Dp is in a foul mood now and implying I hate his parents. I don't at all they are lovely, if my parents made the same suggestion I would have said no to them too.

Sorry it's long, please help.

BluddyMoFo Sun 19-Jun-11 19:50:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bibbitybobbityhat Sun 19-Jun-11 19:51:23

Say to dh: "no, I want dd to stay here".

lookingfoxy Sun 19-Jun-11 19:51:37

Maybe they could have her overnight and you have her during the day?
I think they're just trying to help, I presume you would see her everyday anyway.

HarrietJones Sun 19-Jun-11 19:51:53

No don't do it. Dd will feel pushed out. Just say it's a kind offer ( possibly dd stay while you are in hospital but make sure she visits)

Good luck!

UnreasonableDIL Sun 19-Jun-11 19:52:28

I will thank them for the offer and explain why I'm saying no. Sorry dp is coming to bed now so can't carry on posting. Will respond tomo.

FabbyChic Sun 19-Jun-11 19:53:05

I think it will be the worse thing to do to your 18 month year old psychologically, as she will feel that now you have a new baby you don't want her any more.

SuePurblybilt Sun 19-Jun-11 19:53:11

Say no, I really want her here. Please do come and visit and help us though.

GingerWrath Sun 19-Jun-11 19:53:12

Can you explain to him you want DD to be around to get used to the new family dynamic and for her to feel included? Also say you are more than grateful to have Pil's as a backup plan in case there are complications?

ShowOfHands Sun 19-Jun-11 19:53:14

Yes, the correct response is 'thank you, what a kind and lovely thought but I don't think dd would be happy being moved out when the new baby arrives and I would like her around. Perhaps you could do xyz to help instead? That would help a lot and take the pressure off'.

Really, you don't want to ship out one child when a younger sibling ships in. It's a pretty powerful and upsetting message and I don't think you'd handle it either. Your dd is still your baby too.

I think you can gently explain this whilst acknowledging the kind gesture.

M0naLisa Sun 19-Jun-11 19:53:18

My DS1 was 18months and 3 days old when DS2 was born. My Dad and stepum had him for a week -Wednesday the day my waters went (day before DS2 was born) to the following Wednesday. It worked out well because me and DH could then have a week with DS2 and bond without DS1 being there iykwim? When DS1 came home he wasnt interested in 'The baby' he was more interested in getting out his toys and playing in his usual spot by the window.

Maybe they are just thinking it may be best for you and DH to bond with a newborn.

cleverything Sun 19-Jun-11 19:53:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cookcleanerchaufferetc Sun 19-Jun-11 19:53:35

YANBU. I would explain that your DD will feel left out and may have big issues with the baby when she returns. Your DD is bound to be very excited about the baby and helping out so she should be around. Your DH and pil should not be offended. I actually think they are slightly u.

faverolles Sun 19-Jun-11 19:53:53

Agree with mofo, but I would also add that 1-2 weeks away from you would be very unsettling for your dd, especially as it is an ideal time for you all to be together and get used to life with a new baby.

bubblecoral Sun 19-Jun-11 19:54:04

Say that you appreciate the offer, because they probably are trying to help, but that you want your dd with you. There is no need to discuss it, she is your child so it's your descision. Can't they come and stay with you if they ant to help?

PeppaPigandGeorge Sun 19-Jun-11 19:54:12

YANBU. I'd be furious that this had been discussed and deicded upon in my absence. Howver, to keep the peace, perhaps you could say something like "thank you for the offer, it's good to know we have the option IF for any reason there are problems, but we obviously hope there won't be and would like DD there to bond with new brother / sister".

bibbitybobbityhat Sun 19-Jun-11 19:54:28

Only send your dd away after the birth if you absolutely have to. She will certainly feel unwanted if life doesn't go on as normal as possible for her around the time of the birth of your second dc.

LillyTheMinx Sun 19-Jun-11 19:55:10

1-2 weeks is a long time. I understand why they've suggested it, but I don't think it's a good idea. DD would probably feel pushed out as you have suggested. A new baby arrives and she is carted off elsewhere.

I have just started working, my DD is 18 months and she has been going to a childminder and my parents for three days during the week. I see her every evening, but she has definitely become more clingy since the separation began.

Do they live close enough for you yo be able to see her daily?

BerryMojito Sun 19-Jun-11 19:55:22

No YANBU. They seem to have made a decision about this without talking to you. I too would want my DD there and would worry about her feeling rejected, getting used to a new sibling is hard enough for them without them being sent away. I would speak to them all and say that whilst you really appreciate their kind offer you would prefer that she was home at home, but that, if the worst should happen and you are ill again, you would really appreciate them having her.

Meglet Sun 19-Jun-11 19:55:38


I was keen on my parents having DS for the odd night after I had DD (planned cs following crap EMCs first time round). But my mum pointed out DS would feel pushed out so in the end they all popped by every day to take DS to the park or amuse him so I could concentrate on DD. In the end I was glad we were all together as a little family unit even if I couldn't do everything with DS while I recovered.

Are your IL's close enough to be able to pop by the in day and help?

LillyTheMinx Sun 19-Jun-11 19:56:02

I'm a very slow typer...lots of x posts...

LordSucre Sun 19-Jun-11 19:57:51

Just thank the pil for their offer, and say you would like to see how you go, all together at home. If you then feel a bit stressed or tired, they can take dd out for the day or possibly overnight, up to you.

I think they are being really kind in offering, nothing more than that.

Ivortheengine8 Sun 19-Jun-11 19:58:40

I have a DD and she will be exactly 2 years when our next arrives in October. I am still not sure what is going to happen. My mum has offered to come and stay with us and look after her but I am thinking I just want to be alone with DH, DD and new baby.

I wouldn't want DD to be away though. I think my DH understands this and he too just wants us to be alone. I think you should explain to your DP. He maybe doesnt understand how us women feel after the birth and what an emotional time it is. You need to do what YOU feel is best and what you are comfortable with. You are the one giving birth and bringing the new baby into the world.

Did your DP not talk it through with you before he asked or agreed to it. I think its quite unfair that they have decided for you what they are going to do. I don't have In Laws (DH's parents are both deceased) but if I did I would want at leats a week before I had people coming around to see the baby. They really should understand that especially his mum.

LCarbury Sun 19-Jun-11 20:01:57

YANBU in that you have not been consulted. However, if it helps, I remember going to spend 2 weeks at my grandparents when my little brother was born (27 m age gap) and I had a lovely time and it didn't occur to me to feel pushed out - I felt really like it was a massive treat!

PeppaKew Sun 19-Jun-11 20:05:44

Absolutely don't allow your DD to stay away. There were some studies in the 60s where children were left with non-family members whilst the mother was in hospital. The fathers visited frequently but not for long. The studies claimed that one participant was badly affected for the rest of his life after this. Much of it is on film. I believe it changed hospital policy in the UK regarding children visiting their mums in hospital. Will try to find a link.

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