To think I wasn't being selfish to expect a bit more, and they should stop bringing it up!(91 Posts)
My mum is driving me up the wall because she keeps niggling at me about my wedding (nearly a year ago ) and she's now got my brother in on it.
Basically, I tried to include my mum and dad, told them all about our plans, did the 'give them one big thing to be responsible for', etc. Because my mum is the way she is, she threw massive tantrums and made things quite difficult. But she had no interest in actually helping - everything like trying on a dress or choosing flowers was 'a ridiculous fuss' that I shouldn't bother with/was frivolous.
I ended up doing all the planning myself while telling her how lovely it was that she was doing the cakes and trying to keep the peace when she made a fuss about everything. I have two brothers and I asked them on the day to help out by leading the guests to the reception venue (a few hundred yards away) where wine and capanes were waiting, so we didn't bore anyone doing pictures. On the day, instead, they didn't. I asked them to and both shrugged and said they'd rather I did it. Not a big issue I know ... but it was the only thing I'd asked them to do. My lovely MIL made me feel great by making a beautiful speech, but I felt a bit alone from my family.
The thing is, my mum obviously knows she wasn't exactly nice about it all. Since my brother got married, my mum saw his MIL helping her daughter organize and helping out, and I think she realized it's not actually usual for the family to do very little to help with a wedding. Since this, she keeps hinting things like 'I was nice at your wedding, wasn't I?' and 'We put a lot of work into your wedding, didn't we?'. I feel cross because I can see she must be feeling bad, but she isn't apologizing, she's just trying to pretend it happened differently! She's now got onto my brother who has told me I expected too much from mum and the family, and should realize I'm lucky they were 'so nice' about it. It seems to be that they'll carry on about it until I cave and admit they were great on the day ... I think my brothers are totally oblivious to the fact that I was hurt they didn't bother to help, and think I am being mean to my mum.
Sorry, ranting and it is so fucking crap to have this keep on circling at me.
I mean, I don't know if I was expecting too much?
Could you not just be honest and tell them diplomatically they were crap but it is in the past. Your brothers seem to be sitting on the fence and need telling too. YANBU.
Why don't you tell them straight. And as cookcleaner says tell it is all in the past now.
And no you were not expecting too much.
I have tried saying 'um, no, you weren't great actually' but maybe I need to be more forceful!
I think with my brothers the thing is they don't realize how it is - they just see my mum feeling hurt and don't quite get why I'm not telling her it's all ok. My big brother's wedding was all organized by his MIL, so I think he doesn't really know what work goes into plannign a big party like that ... he thinks it just sort of happens and if my mum wants to be thanked for it, she should be!
I think my brothers and my dad feel like I should know they love me, but it is a bit much to have expected help with my wedding ... I don't know how to get across to them that in most families, the family does do some things on the day. Then they look at my mum and think, well, she helped out, she told you loads of stuff that was wrong and you had to fix!
Out with it! FGS, they did let you down! why let them think any different.
Tell them that you have dealt with it and it was a lovely day for you and MrLRD anyway, but no, they were distinctly unhelpful.
Don't let them fling crap at you, think TEFLON love, you did nothing wrong! they did!
OP do you love your Mum? If so just let it go.
It's not really a big deal. Perhaps she is not a 'wedding planner' type. Perhaps she didn't want you to feel she was taking over. And why are you comparing her to your MIL? Perhaps she [and your Dad] just didn't feel comfortable in that kind of situation. There is no way in hell I would be making a speech at any of my children's weddings, that doesn't mean I don't love them.
Wow, that was emphatic HerH!
I dunno ... I love my brothers but they were a bit crap and just don't quite get that I would have loved them to be there on the day helping out, and I think they felt as if turning up as guests was the same thing. I would have liked to feel as if I had family support and I didn't really. Both my brothers have been quite clear that they think I was being selfish really and I think I need to have this out with them instead of just telling them mum and I disagree.
Of course you shouldn´t be telling your mum it´s all OK just to spare her feelings.
She expected you to cope with her not helping & not being interested in your wedding.
I don´t think my mum actually did much-but she did listen to me prattle on & gave opinions when asked.
And she was interested/excited.
It was uber crap f your brothers not to do as you had asked and your Mum looking for reassurance now is VERY irritating.
You could smile and say "You did your best I'm sure." which is neither here nor there....or you could say "No Mum! You were crap and I was very sad about it...but hey ho...the past is the past!"
Forget it...thats what I would do.
fat, I do see that ... she is not the wedding planner type and no reason she should be. But she threw tantrums about so many things before the wedding, it really made it difficult for me. I wouldn't mind if she were just shy; I wouldn't mind if my brothers were shy. I minded that I felt none of my family really bothered to support me that day - apart from my dad they pretty much turned up as guests, my mum found fault with things, and now they're expecting me to smooth things over with my mum who's feeling shown up by my brother's MIL being a normal mum.
I do love her, but I feel as if I'm required to pretend everything was lovely in order not to upset her.
Every time I forget about it she brings it up again.
I do need to just tell her straight but I don't think it will really change her mind - I mean, she obviously knows she was a pain or she would't be fishing for reassurance, so I don't really get what good it will do.
"Mum, the past is for reference, not residence. Let's have a G&T and move on"
sorry, hit "post" too soon. The above is code for "just frikkin' drop it would you?" in my family......
Give her direct examples with your brothers wedding and yours. for example, brother mil did x with wedding dress and you did x, repeat with food, venue etc. Tell her you were upset and feel that more could have been done as was raised at the time but it is in the past and her constant guilt niggling just upsets you. The time has come for you to be direct and honest and sort it out for once and for all.
That's such a great phrase! Thanks.
DH once told her 'it's all done now, I think LRD will feel fine if it stays there' and she denied all knowledge of what he was referring to - having just said cryptically 'I was good to you two, wasn't I?'.
Could you turn it over to her ... "you keep bringing this up mum, it seems
really important to you that you are seen as helping with the wedding?"... Or something a bit less passive aggressive...
Maybe if she explains why she is mulling it over you can have a more honest conversation?
cook - oh ... I hadn't thought of that. Guess I'd been doing it in my head and feeling it wasn't 'fair' to bbring it up but it would be clear, wouldn't it! Thanks.
You were definitely not in the wrong! You handled your wedding very diplomatically. They were crap.
Unlike most others on this thread, I just lie to my mother. She's barking and lives in a world of her own choosing. I'd be agreeing the cakes were the best in the world ever; my brothers were essential to the proceedings; she did/didn't whatever she wants to think; have a nice time on Planet Weird
But that's just me ...
I would ask 'How do you mean, nice?' I would just say that iyho she found the whole thing stressful and that she didn't really help as much as you'd would have liked. No point in her worrying about it now but trying to re-write history would be a pee me off. All subjective and in a few years she may have convinced she paid for everything/ did all the organising etc.
Ask her straight: "Why do you keep asking me?" The answer (or lack of) might help with how you deal with it next.
Love TheBride's phrase though.
Just tell your mum that you love her, had a lovely wedding, thank her for her help. Be the bigger person.
just say to her, you did a great job on what i asked and i had a wonderful day
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