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To leave my job or should I stay?

(7 Posts)
hurryup Sun 19-Jun-11 09:40:51

morning, please can you give me some advice about work? Please be gentle, I've recently left an abusive marriage, 5 dc one of them is being seen by Child mental health on wednesday as he's been physically and verbally abusive to most days for last 6 weeks, he's 12. I'm on citalopram and counselling started.

After marriage ended had stupid rebound relationship with twat at work. When it ended after few weeks, he kept playing games. One minute friends, next colleagues, next pestering me etc. Eventually I sent him email saying either we talk about it or one of us will have to go (I was willing to resign) as although my job is not one I could get again, there are few and far between, it's stressful and hard work for little pay but emotionally and intellectually very, very rewarding. In fact, it is my perfect job.

However, on Thursday he told my boss and office girls and showed them the email. They only know his side and have clearly taken view I'm some sort of stalker. Naively I haven't kept emails or records of converstaions. Boss told me not to go to his house, twat doesnt want to be my friend etc. However, last night my friend suggested I looked in to benefits which I've always been against if I'm able to work. Financially I'd be no worse off. But, whilst I don't want to work with rebound twat or even see him ever again, would I be letting him chase me from a job I love or used to love? He'd have won then and so would everyone else that choose to believe him? They all know what a crap time ive had over last 8 weeks with H and ds2, not one of them contacted me on friday to see if i was ok after this happened on thursday so i don't feel great about the job to be honest. What should I do?

oh and after my bosses kind offer for time off when i was upset after twat humiliating me by showing boss the email, I asked him on friday if I could return some files, he said yes - 1 at end of September! What should I do? Brazen it out, hope things get better or just leave - no stress, no embarrassment for something that i did and was justified but everyone else has had his side only and financially would still be ok as I could claim benefits. I've never claimed anything other than smp in 20 years of working. Gp keeps offering to sign me off so actually wouldnt need to see any of them again. Just don't want to make a mistake or give them the satisfaction?

hairylights Sun 19-Jun-11 10:08:25

Don't leave. Why the hell should you?

You are still able to work - a life on benefits is not the right thing
To choose.

AuntiePickleBottom Sun 19-Jun-11 10:16:56

i would take a few weeks off sick, then see how you feel.

hellospoon Sun 19-Jun-11 10:26:05

It sounds like you could do with a couple of weeks off to let the dust settle. You did nothing wrong with rebound man that's all he is, he is the one who should be ashamed as he took advantage of a woman having a hard time.

Anyway. Get yourself signed off for 2weeks on for stress. Take them 2 weeks to chill, potter about and get rid of exh from your house.

DO NOT GO ON BENEFITS you have a job, benefits will drag you down into a pit u will find it hard to get out of. If your on citralopram u need to be work else your mind will run away from you. Take a couple of weeks. Don't quit.

Things will get better in the end, shit doesn't last forever.

sunshineandbooks Sun 19-Jun-11 10:27:21

If you decide to leave because you are not coping (and god knows you seem to have enough on your plate on the domestic scene) that's one thing. But please don't less this man bully you out of what you yourself called your perfect job.

Obviously if you are some sort of needy stalker type then this advice does not apply grin but I'm going to assume you are presenting yourself fairly in your OP.

Reading how you present yourself in this post and knowing your relationship background, I'd say you're probably not good at standing up for yourself, which is very understandable after what you've been through. The man at work is probably playing this and knows that if you walk in to see your boss you will probably become flustered and unable to present your side of the story effectively. So don't do it. Write a letter/email presenting your side of it.

Stick to the facts and don't pepper it with emotional phrases, but paint a clear, short as possible picture of your side of the story and (more importantly maybe) show your boss that your co-worker is being somewhat disingenuous and manipulating your boss by showing him the email you sent. No boss likes to feel like they are being taken for a mug by their employees, so it could well go in your favour. Be very careful that you present a 'solution' and keep it dignified. So maybe something like

"I am sorry that mine and <co-worker's> relationship has had a negative effect on the work place. I am mortified that my personal life is up for discussion at work. I can assure you that I have no problem accepting that the relationship is over and I will not be contacting <co-worker> outside of work again. All I was trying to do when I sent him the email was establish whether indeed the relationship was over as in my opinion he was sending me very ambiguous messages. Now that I know the relationship is over, the matter is closed as far as I am concerned. It will in no way affect my work and I am quite capable of dealing with <co-worker> in a professional capacity. I can only apologise for any discomfort that this ill-advised relationship has brought to anyone else here at <place of work> and hope we can all put this sorry matter behind us."


cookcleanerchaufferetc Sun 19-Jun-11 10:50:25

Surely if you choose to leave you won't get benefits....?!

I would stay where you are as it is your perfect job plus must be a distraction fro. All the other problems you have.

This guy is clearly a twat and I would simply ignore him and have zero conversation with him. Do not leave because of him. Do you have an HR dept which you could talk to, ask their advice, give your side etc? Or is your boss nice enough to have an informal chat/heart to heart?

hurryup Sun 19-Jun-11 15:35:49

No sadly no hr and boss is not nice. It just horrible that not only everyone has been discussing my private life, those that I thought were my friends clearly aren't and think I'm some sort of psycho!! This man really is a twat but I let myself be fooled by him so my already low self esteem has taken even more of a hit from him and the others. I feel like blanking the lot of them except a cursory good morning but not very mature really. Usually all very friendly and open, open plan office as well so will be interesting.

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